He's put the beer down. Do I give him "one more chance" after nearly eight years of drunken hell.

[chanceornochance]

I've been living with my partner for nearly eight years. Ever since he moved in, he's had a drink problem, which had a massively negative impact of my life and that of my children. He's not a bad guy, and we have had some good times, but always with the drink lurking ready to create a toxic shitshow.

Seven weeks ago he stopped drinking. He'd been drinking every day (just about) for years but he seems to have genuinely seen the light. He's hugely remorseful, recognises what he's done, cries a lot, and is desperate for me not to make him leave so we can try again. He loves me more than anything, etc etc.

Thing is, his newfound sobriety arrived at the exact moment he realised I really was going to boot him to the kerb this time. I made my decision months ago but had been siting on my hands so as to get my DD through her nat-5s without the chaos and conflict of his departure.

I feel so torn. Life feels a million times easier without 70+ units a week being drunk in my home, he looks and feels like the man I fell in love with all those years ago again and my heart breaks for him. But I betrayed myself and my children by letting him stay way beyond what was acceptable and I know I can't take the tiniest risk of leading us back towards the shark's mouth of life with a drinker.

I don't know how much sense this makes, sorry. I guess what I'm asking is... which will I regret, giving him (and us) another chance or sticking to my "game over" line. Wisdom and perspective honestly very welcome 🙏🏼

Al-ateen would be worth contacting for your daughters.

Alateen - Al-Anon Family Groups (al-anonuk.org.uk)

Thank you.

Al-ateen is a very good idea, I appreciate it and will encourage it for daughters as the dust settles, and certainly in the future too. Impacts are not always immediately evident.

I am committed to supporting and nurturing them, to be present as a parent for them. Even yesterday after I told dd2 I felt something change between us, like she might maybe trust me and confide in me again. I know there's a lot to deal with and address, truthfully and constructively, but now at least we have a chance. And they have the possibility of a much better, steadier and clearer home life with me and each other.

It feels like liberation already. Thank you so much for responding, it makes a huge difference and honestly helps so much to stop me knocking myself off course.

I think you are doing amazing OP. I will say this though, the effects on your daughters might not be evident until they make the same choices you have. They have essentially watched you put this messy alcoholic 'before' them for the last 8 years. They will have internalised that thats what women do. Put shit men before anyone else, including your own kids. The cycle continues to the next generation. I think family therapy would be so beneficial and if you can't afford this then a structured 'meeting' around the dining table on a regular basis to discuss what went on, the mistakes you made and hopes for your futures kind of thing. Again, you may not see the effects of the last 8 years on them immediately but they learned some seriously damaging lessons in that time. Those lessons seriously need to be unlearned.
Sorry to be blunt, you are doing amazing especially with the manipulation you have faced since separating. You and your daughters will thrive.

Engage with any agencies that you can for your children. They will benefit hugely from this. Remember, you want them to carry as little of any damage into adulthood as possible.

OP you sound like a good person but you absolutely need to put your kids first every time in every relationship. He isn't even their dad.

I broke up with my ex for a lot less because of the impact on my son (not his) despite him being a brilliant dad to our shared younger daughter. Kids first in every situation. Never deviate from that.

Well done OP. Here's to your new life of peace and happiness.
It's a great place to be.

Wow! Well those responses from your kids say it all! This should help keep your resolve when he turns on the mind games.

Your children can start to release themselves from a constant state of worry and stress.
Imagine the relief they are feeling.

You will fly high and he will fall into the gutter
That's because the well-being of you and your children was being sacrificed to keep him out of the gutter
stay strong

Well, his faking being remorseful and committed to change for just as long as it took for you to fall for it has failed, hasn't it?

He'll be back to being bullying and vindictive by next week.

Have you got everything in place to change all your locks immediately? You're going to need it.

He'll be back to being bullying and vindictive by next week
Sadly I think this is highly likely, he will have expected that being remorseful and committed to change will work because it did in the past. His sofa surfing plan will not give him anything like the support and attention that he got from you, he likely feels entitled to that kind of support and may start trying to force his way back in.
When that doesn't work he may start looking for another victim but it may take a while for him to switch to that option because he's invested such a lot in you and may be unable to master the amount of charm needed to enslave another woman.
Forewarned is forearmed.
BE PREPARED

Having been where you are, I'd say stick to your guns. It's extremely rare for sobriety to go all one way, and if he follows the typical trajectory there may well be lots of false starts before he gets there, if he ever does.
It's not helped by him 'seeing the light' under threat of losing you either. It's an 11th hour reprieve from hitting rock bottom and can lead to a complacency that he can drink again and fix it later.
The healthiest thing you can do is leave as planned. If he's committed to recovery, he shouldn't use it as an excuse to drink. And if he does, that will speak volumes.
Keep in touch if you love him. Maybe even keep a door ajar in your mind that you might be able to get back together at some point in the future if he is able to stay sober. But leave him to do the work he needs to do now.

Well done OP.

Big hugs to you and your DC.

You can all put each other first now.

Keep updating us, I wish you a lovely summer full of happy memories with them. I know you'll still be hurting but you seem to be at peace with the right decision thankfully.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache thank you. I don't read your words as blunt, I read them as thoughtful, perceptive and authentic, compassionate too. My aim is to make time for kitchen table check-ins as you suggest, as well as accessing professional help. I'm very aware that my daughters will have taken on all sorts of negative, harmful messages from this time and I want to enable them to avoid the mistakes I've inflicted on them. Even with all the love and good intentioned parenting in the world, the kids can end up in a muddle especially around relationships. I will listen to them and make sure I'm properly, genuinely here for them, not absenting myself to firefight an alcoholic mess.

Never let him back him your lives. Put your kids first. There are a million men out there.
Don't waste a second more on him

@5128gap @oi0Y0io yes, I need to be prepared. And am! The manipulation and strategising approach to how to "deal" with people, i.e. me is something he's expert at. As someone very astutely said earlier in this thread he's had 8 years to work out how to get what he wants from me to serve his own purpose. And he's still practicing that way of behaving around me.

I really hope for his own sake he stays sober and that staying with his mate is so aggravating that he finds something better for himself. But that will never be me and this house, my children's home again. Even now he'll go out and blithely leave dirty dishes in the sink in the expectation I'll tidy them. It's such a small detail but shouts disrespect and contempt so loudly.

Life will be better and brighter and freer.

And thank you everyone for generous, supportive, understanding words. Part of the hell of this has been feeling so shamed, alone and isolated. And, yes, realising that my daughters must feel that way and then some. I am so glad to be able to express this here and to know there are people out there who can see with real clarity the way out of this. To recognise what must be done and why. Thank you.

Probably more than you. I also said above that I am the daughter of an alcoholic. No one I know has ever managed 7 weeks sober

I am the daughter and the sister of alcoholics. DM drank herself to death and DB has been dry for over 30 years. He still goes to AA when he needs the support. I'm bloody proud of him.

There's no way in hell he'll keep it up (if he isn't secretly drinking outside the home /in the shed/when you're sleeping already).

Life after you've said a final goodbye to an alcoholic partner is all kinds of wonderful.

We are all just winging it really @chanceornochance . You have an amazing chance to reset with your girls. Good luck 💐

Thank you again, everyone. @MrsDanversGlidesAgain I am so sorry for what you and your family must have been through, but your words make me feel bloody proud of your brother too. What a brilliant testament to strength, vulnerability and courage.

I feel somehow committed to updating this thread, so here goes. My children are on holiday, safe and enjoying themselves. He has started to move his stuff out and I think he might be gone tomorrow or the day after. Not sure why he can't just take it all at once, but seeing as how every interaction between us is openly hostile I'm trying to minimise those interactions and get on with my own stuff. Which seeing as I work from home is a bit grim.

Anyway, I'm ticking off the days / hours and working hard on keeping my cool and protecting my headspace / energy / sanity. He is leaving and, obviously, I only wish he had never brought his drink problem into this house, my children's home. The atmosphere in here really feels so oppressive and heavy, I hope so much that changes when he goes, so my children can walk back into a better space, one that feels safe and steady for them. Like their home.

So glad you're seeing it through. He's probably longing it out as he's hoping you'll have a last minute change of heart. Well done for keeping strong.

It will be weird and an adjustment but I think you're right, your home will be much happier and lighter with him gone. Then you can enjoy the rest of the summer with the kids xx

As a recovered alcoholic - it is quite possible that you saying he has to leave has resulted in him bottoming out. Of course he could have some relapses along the way. I think he now needs to seek support from one of the relevant agencies which support people with substance misuse issues. This would also be a good time for him to attend AA and you Alanon.
It might be best to attempt a trial period of living apart while he tries to further sustain his sobriety.

Trial? He's being outright hostile now his weeping and wailing has failed.

The OP isn't doing a trial or half measures. She's putting her children first and she's done with his shit.