He's put the beer down. Do I give him "one more chance" after nearly eight years of drunken hell.

[chanceornochance]

I've been living with my partner for nearly eight years. Ever since he moved in, he's had a drink problem, which had a massively negative impact of my life and that of my children. He's not a bad guy, and we have had some good times, but always with the drink lurking ready to create a toxic shitshow.

Seven weeks ago he stopped drinking. He'd been drinking every day (just about) for years but he seems to have genuinely seen the light. He's hugely remorseful, recognises what he's done, cries a lot, and is desperate for me not to make him leave so we can try again. He loves me more than anything, etc etc.

Thing is, his newfound sobriety arrived at the exact moment he realised I really was going to boot him to the kerb this time. I made my decision months ago but had been siting on my hands so as to get my DD through her nat-5s without the chaos and conflict of his departure.

I feel so torn. Life feels a million times easier without 70+ units a week being drunk in my home, he looks and feels like the man I fell in love with all those years ago again and my heart breaks for him. But I betrayed myself and my children by letting him stay way beyond what was acceptable and I know I can't take the tiniest risk of leading us back towards the shark's mouth of life with a drinker.

I don't know how much sense this makes, sorry. I guess what I'm asking is... which will I regret, giving him (and us) another chance or sticking to my "game over" line. Wisdom and perspective honestly very welcome 🙏🏼

80 units a week and be didn’t go through the DT’s? Dry heaving, vomiting, the runs, shivers, sweating, hallucinations, insomnia? Alcohol withdrawal isn’t something you can go through quietly without someone noticing. I’m suspicious that he may not have stopped.

I don’t agree with all those saying once a drinker always a drinker, I’m an alcoholic 3 years and 3 months sober. I went to AA. It’s the only way I got and stayed sober. I went through withdrawal so many times, it’s horrific. You need to stick to your guns. I cried a lot in my early recovery but in meetings and in private, not to my family or the people I’d hurt through my drinking. A lot of his behaviour is suspicious.

He should move out and go to AA.

7 weeks cold turkey is great, but it hasn’t tackled the reasons why he chose to drink alcoholically for eight years and fuck up his relationship and family life.

Good luck OP, it sounds as if you've found the resolve. To live with an alcoholic is like being the frog thrown into warm water and very slowly boiled alive (apologies for the yuk image). The frog would jump out of boiling water immediately. Alcoholism is horrible, and many are caught up in the behaviour and attempting to help and 'fix' and 'save'

He has his own fight and he has to do it alone now, with the support of professionals. I suspect he is making a show of it as he has realized the game is up with you. Be ready for him to relapse and blame you for it - IT IS NOT YOUR DOING. It may be kinder to all concerned to fully end the relationship.

Don't hold on to a mistake because you spent a long time making it.

Your daughter is getting to the age when she can and will leave home if you don't kick this man into touch. Don't make your children suffer any longer - it's in your gift and yours alone to make their lives better. Do it.

Thing is - as you've realised - if he can just stop drinking now because you've come to the end of your tether, why couldn't he have done so at any time during the last few years? It's only because it's affecting him now, because it will spoil his life, instead of "just" yours and the DCs'. Still selfish, sadly, despite making all the right noises.

Agree with those saying if he truly regrets what he's done, rather than just the consequences to himself, he will put in major work to overcome those demons. This should be regardless of whether the relationship with you can be saved (I kind of lean towards the "too much water under the bridge" viewpoint).

@Crucible ",don't hold onto a mistake because you spent a long time making it". Exactly this, thank you.

My resolve is strong, truly. I have been round these houses more times than I care to mention.

I can see a glimpse of freedom for my daughters, for me and am holding onto that.

I hope he finds his freedom too, but that has to take place away from this home.

You have put this man's needs before your children's for 8 years.

It is horrible growing up with a alcoholic in the house. Especially when he's not even related to you.

The issue isn't keeping strong and kicking him out, it will be dealing with the decades of emotional fall out from your kids, who will never understand why you allowed him to stay for 8 years.

I can guarantee this won’t happen and he will stay beyond July and this shit show will continue

don't hold onto a mistake because you spent a long time making it".

I imagine her children won’t share this fluffy nonsense

I understand that getting him out the house is the first step not the last. And I don't quite know how I am going to account for my actions to my daughters. Or repair the damage. But I will do everything I can to make their lives safe and steady again, happy, truthful, positive, the whole shebang, and to genuinely be there for them whatever comes next. I know I have failed them.

The situation with him is, as far as they are concerned, my responsibility. I spoke to Al-Anon a few weeks ago and the woman there said, very clearly, "you have to save yourself and your children." That is what I am doing.

Yes well let’s see if you update beginning of august to say he’s out

I doubt it

Why did you speak to AA a few weeks ago? I thought he hadn’t drunk for 7 weeks?

@Herewego81 really, I can guarantee he will be gone. I have been here so many times before, but this is different. For one, I'm not trying to deal with an aggressive drunk. So he knows he has to go. And he knows I mean it.

I regret that in the past I didn't get the police involved. This time I will if necessary. And he knows that.

Listening to myself, I might feel cynical too. But there always comes a moment when change has to happen and this is it.

For one, I'm not trying to deal with an aggressive drunk

well he will be by end of July op

I spoke to Al-Anon because I wanted some expert support for myself.

Listening to myself, I might feel cynical too. But there always comes a moment when change has to happen and this is it.’
2 hours ago you started the thread wondering what to do and whether you were throwing the relationship away and if you should give a second chance

🙄

My mother remarried to an alcoholic, it changed our lives forever. Not for the better. I wish she’d never met him or had thrown him out for hers and our sake.

It was awful growing up in a house with the constant drinking of alcohol, I couldn’t get away from it all fast enough.

@chanceornochance another vote here for him to definitely move out. I also doubt very much he’s just suddenly stopped drinking if he’s had no outside help given that he’s been drinking every day for years. Usually medication would need to be prescribed as it’s dangerous to go cold turkey without it if the body is used to daily drinking. Alongside that do you not think it’s too little too late? How much energy have you put into him and his drinking over the years which could have been put into your kids? You can’t undo the past but you can make changes from now.

N.O. on repeat.

Last Chance Saloon was >>>>>> that a'way.

Your poor kids.

He'll be back on the grog soon enough, for any number of reasons.
Pity you couldn't open a book at William Hill and make some cash off of it but of course the odds of him staying sober are negligible.

You should have binned him years ago.
Turf him out now.

He'll fall off the wagon before long. I do feel sorry for him, but it's not for you to fix. I remember reading years ago AA success rates were something like 5%. Don't know if that's still the case but very few people seem to stay sober long term.

@Herewego81
Do you think your contributions are helping? Do you think your words are supportive and motivating or are you just here to stick the knife in?

Kick him out today, on the grounds of his continued attempts to manipulate you and cross your boundaries.

Do it while you’re feeling strong.

He’s playing you like a cheap violin.

To clarify. He stopped only because you'd told him that it was over and he had to leave?

Once he's lulled you into a false sense of security, he'll start drinking again

It will always be there, as you and your children walk on eggshells, worried if any tensions will set him off down the offy again

Carry on with you plans to leave