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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he depressed or having an affair!?

214 replies

Mumma2Ro · 10/07/2023 23:36

Things have been different with my husband for a couple of months now.

He has been moody with me- like everything I say annoys him. He has been showing me very little affection, not interested in sex (which is very unlike him!), not saying I love you as much, being short with me on messages. I’m pussy footing around him like a silly girl worried incase I say the wrong thing etc!

we had a deep conversation about a month ago as I was concerned. He said he doesn’t feel himself right now, he doesn’t feel happy and he doesn’t know why. He can’t put his finger on it. He said he doesn’t know if it’s me, us, work, financial worries etc.

he had a huge argument and falling out with some big bosses at work recently- he was suspended etc and has since found another job which he starts soon.

we had a great weekend at a family wedding, things felt normal again! We had a few drinks together, we danced, we kissed, we had sex. We had a laugh! And I felt like I had my husband back.

but come this evening he has switched again saying he isn’t feeling too good mentally today. he has been having weekly teams meetings with a counsellor to help him try and figure things out. He said the counsellor mentioned something about a retreat being something to look into for him!

sorry what…… now I’m confused! Have you ever heard of a retreat for depressed men??

as soon as he mentioned this my thoughts are running away with me. Is he having an affair and using his mental health to cover up the way he is action towards me?? I’m so confused. Am I being paranoid ??

this may sound a bit selfish but I’m getting very upset not knowing where I stand with him. Does he like me today? Am I gonna piss him off today ?

I miss my husband terribly :’( any advice ?

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 10/07/2023 23:43

Unfortunately what's more likely...a man having an affair or having a counsellor recommend a men's retreat for depression? Something is amiss here I think. What's happening with his phone?

Sounds like he's depressed alright, affairs often seem to make men horrible to their wives. It's how they justify deserving some happiness - they blame their wives for making them miserable and then resent their wives for the guilt at the affair.

Itstimetoquit · 10/07/2023 23:49

Im sorry your in this situation,i would be inclined to think he was having an affair xx

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 11/07/2023 06:14

Okay so I’ve googled it…..and it turns out there are retreats for people suffering with mental health issues, depression etc.

I do not know what to do now that this slight doubt is in my head

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 11/07/2023 06:15

Isthisexpected · 10/07/2023 23:43

Unfortunately what's more likely...a man having an affair or having a counsellor recommend a men's retreat for depression? Something is amiss here I think. What's happening with his phone?

Sounds like he's depressed alright, affairs often seem to make men horrible to their wives. It's how they justify deserving some happiness - they blame their wives for making them miserable and then resent their wives for the guilt at the affair.

If you mean have I looked through his phone ? No I haven’t. I’ve never done that

OP posts:
LittleFloatingGhost · 11/07/2023 06:36

Has he also gone to his GP for medication? It is great he is having counselling, but he may need more support?

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 11/07/2023 06:56

LittleFloatingGhost · 11/07/2023 06:36

Has he also gone to his GP for medication? It is great he is having counselling, but he may need more support?

He says he is trying the counselling route first before medication.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 11/07/2023 07:08

Well he could be having an affair
or it’s perfectly possible that the work challenges have been stressing him out slots d it’s manifesting in uncertainty, a questioning oh himself and his life/job. Being suspended is huge! And likely to have caused immense angst.

Perhaps he just needs a break

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 11/07/2023 07:28

millymollymoomoo · 11/07/2023 07:08

Well he could be having an affair
or it’s perfectly possible that the work challenges have been stressing him out slots d it’s manifesting in uncertainty, a questioning oh himself and his life/job. Being suspended is huge! And likely to have caused immense angst.

Perhaps he just needs a break

Thank you for the reply. I hope this is the case 🤞

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 11/07/2023 07:56

Counsellors regularly focus on self care and if your DH is feeling under pressure he may feel that he needs to get away. How long is the retreat, will you be left with the responsibility of home life while he has a break?

Have you talked through why he was suspended and the outcome?
Is he more secretive, is he talking openly to you?
Do you have children?
How does he usually cope with life’s pressures, is he resilient?

I think I would be asking myself these questions to judge the credibility of my DH‘s words and actions.

Hibiscrubbed · 11/07/2023 08:00

I fear you’re clutching at straws. It sounds very much like the script.

YoSof · 11/07/2023 08:01

I agree it sounds like the script.

Its not ok for him to treat you this way, depressed or not.

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 11/07/2023 10:31

Nanna50 · 11/07/2023 07:56

Counsellors regularly focus on self care and if your DH is feeling under pressure he may feel that he needs to get away. How long is the retreat, will you be left with the responsibility of home life while he has a break?

Have you talked through why he was suspended and the outcome?
Is he more secretive, is he talking openly to you?
Do you have children?
How does he usually cope with life’s pressures, is he resilient?

I think I would be asking myself these questions to judge the credibility of my DH‘s words and actions.

Thank you for your reply.

He doesn't know details of any retreat yet. He said the counsellor had just mentioned it as something they can explore if needed later down the line.

I will be left with the responsibility of the house and the kids (3 yrs and 6 yrs) if he goes, but that's okay with me.

Yes we have talked through what happened at work many times and he is being open about it with me. He hasn't been secretive at all. He usually copes quite well with pressures and stress but he has had a lot going on with work and a huge falling out with his parents a year ago which has really affected him. They haven't seen us or their grandchildren in a year which is hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 11/07/2023 10:31

Hibiscrubbed · 11/07/2023 08:00

I fear you’re clutching at straws. It sounds very much like the script.

Could you explain what you mean when you say it sounds like a script?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2023 10:37

Not "a" script, The Script. You can Google it, see if it rings any bells.

justimtime · 11/07/2023 10:53

He's having an affair.
I recognise only too well what you describe. Mine had me convinced he had dementia.
I always thought it odd when I mentioned my concern about possible depression or dementia to his family and they showed literally zero concern for him. It's because they knew the truth.

80s · 11/07/2023 11:01

he has been having weekly teams meetings with a counsellor to help him try and figure things out.
Figure what out, did he say?
Mine had counselling and it turned out that it was to help him decide to leave me for OW.

He said he doesn’t know if it’s me, us
"Don't know" sounds very familiar.

Nelly10 · 11/07/2023 11:05

Sounds very much like an affair. You have described what my husband was like with me last year, they are horrible to you as they think you are getting in the way of this new life they want. I was walking on eggshells with him for months. Encouraging him to seek help for ‘depression’! All the time he was having an affair. It’s really horrible and painful to be treated like that. I would do some investigating before confronting him.

good luck op x

BlastedPimples · 11/07/2023 11:07

Affair.

My stbx would flip from being awful to nice then remembering his girlfriend and would flip back to being awful again.

I'm sorry. But this is how they behave. Seeking to deflect by driving you to doubt, worry, and ultimately distress.

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 11/07/2023 11:09

My dh played the depression card. Wouldn't take meds. Would however take solace at the pub, the golf course and playing pool. Sadly not able to do school runs, chores, go to the shops or indeed much at all that wasn't about him.
Been an exh for a good few years now. His mh isn't yours to fix, manage or suffer through...

user1492757084 · 11/07/2023 11:09

Be supportive and positive that he is addressing his angst.

Your husband has been through a lot of trauma.
It sounds simple but try to de stress together in nature - walk in parks, enjoy trees and get good sleep. Eat fresh food and share and encourage your husbands findings re treatments.
Does he have a mother he can help once per fortnight?
Often helping others is a godsend.

Shitegeist · 11/07/2023 11:11

If you post ‘is he having an affair?’ On mumsnet you will get ‘yes’ as an answer. Mumsnet is disproportionately full of people who have been cheated on.

stealthninjamum · 11/07/2023 11:13

90% of the time I would say he is having an affair but he has been suspended from his job. That’s huge. I would be watching him carefully to get to the bottom of it.

Bookworm20 · 11/07/2023 11:45

Do you know why he was suspended from his job? You say an argument with his bosses, but what was it over? And is it what he is saying its over that you have to go on or is there proper paperwork etc detailing the issues leading to his suspension. I mean suspension usually isn't the first thing that happens, theres often other disciplinary measures before that unless its something really serious. Has anyone from his old work been in touch with him since he left?

Honestly, it could be either. If it was affair at work, he has now left. Does he work far from where he did before? Is he out alot at hobbies, working late, business dinners etc? Is he constantly attached to his phone? Did his new work set him up with the councelling, because thats unusual too for someone who has just started somewhere.

It could also be depression. Although the fact he has said he 'doesn't know' and has included you in one of the possible reasons does lean more towards affair unfortunately. If he was depressed with just work and life in general, thats basically what he'd say. But hes added you in to that. Not even as a general 'family life is a bit stressful right now'.

I think its a watch and wait situation OP.

Sunshineandflipflops · 11/07/2023 11:59

Nelly10 · 11/07/2023 11:05

Sounds very much like an affair. You have described what my husband was like with me last year, they are horrible to you as they think you are getting in the way of this new life they want. I was walking on eggshells with him for months. Encouraging him to seek help for ‘depression’! All the time he was having an affair. It’s really horrible and painful to be treated like that. I would do some investigating before confronting him.

good luck op x

Ditto.

My ex husband became very grumpy at home, disengaged from me and family life but socialising more with work. When I finally asked him what was wrong he told me he was unhappy but didn't know why. I spent time i'll never get back trying to get him to get help and being a 'better' wife (treading on eggshells) until I looked through his ipad which was connected to his work emails and found out he was having an affair with someone from work.

Sunshineandflipflops · 11/07/2023 12:00

I hope it's not that but there is a reason people refer to "the script", unfortunately.

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