Is he depressed or having an affair!?

[Mumma2Ro]

Things have been different with my husband for a couple of months now.

He has been moody with me- like everything I say annoys him. He has been showing me very little affection, not interested in sex (which is very unlike him!), not saying I love you as much, being short with me on messages. I’m pussy footing around him like a silly girl worried incase I say the wrong thing etc!

we had a deep conversation about a month ago as I was concerned. He said he doesn’t feel himself right now, he doesn’t feel happy and he doesn’t know why. He can’t put his finger on it. He said he doesn’t know if it’s me, us, work, financial worries etc.

he had a huge argument and falling out with some big bosses at work recently- he was suspended etc and has since found another job which he starts soon.

we had a great weekend at a family wedding, things felt normal again! We had a few drinks together, we danced, we kissed, we had sex. We had a laugh! And I felt like I had my husband back.

but come this evening he has switched again saying he isn’t feeling too good mentally today. he has been having weekly teams meetings with a counsellor to help him try and figure things out. He said the counsellor mentioned something about a retreat being something to look into for him!

sorry what…… now I’m confused! Have you ever heard of a retreat for depressed men??

as soon as he mentioned this my thoughts are running away with me. Is he having an affair and using his mental health to cover up the way he is action towards me?? I’m so confused. Am I being paranoid ??

this may sound a bit selfish but I’m getting very upset not knowing where I stand with him. Does he like me today? Am I gonna piss him off today ?

I miss my husband terribly :’( any advice ?

I’m not asking you to keep it to yourself. I’m just responding to it.

in my view it was neither measured nor reasonable.

I think you can be gracious here, OP. Whilst still also setting out your own boundaries and need for self-care.

You can tell him that you know he's going through a difficult time, and that you are here for him, and that you support him. But you also support your family, and your relationship, and yourself. So you need him not to let his mood affect your children. And you will be thinking about things yourself, and seeing what help and consideration you need while he goes through this.

Yes, he obviously has mental health issues at the moment. But he is also totally taking you for granted. Let him know that you will be there for him, but you need to look after yourself as well. Maybe suggest marriage counselling? Because what he's said (about not knowing if it's you, or the relationship, etc) is pretty serious and you're not happy with it.

In other words, gently let him know (if not directly) that what he says and how he behaves have consequences.

I disagree. Wholeheartedly.

Man seeks help for depression and must be having an affair!

Let's not consider that as a society we are telling men to speak up about depression, telling them to seek help. But they do, and this is the result?

I don't doubt some men have used this an excuse. Likely so have some women.

But seriously...

I can imagine your husband needs you more than ever, having to go through a disciplinary and loosing his job must be absolutely terrible.

Sounds like his previous employers have been very supportive in getting him councillors, it must be very hard to admit to people you need help, as a previous poster mentioned its well known men struggle to seek help.

Your husband has voiced he is struggling and you've here asking if he's having an affair?

I would concentrate on what you do know and be as supportive and positive as you can for him.

When we are going through tough times we need people we can trust and know are there for us.

Realistically here's no point in posting here, some people will always say yes they are having an affair and enjoy winding others up.

Thank you SO much for all of your replies. I have read every single one of them....twice!

Hubby had his counselling session this afternoon. And has since asked me if we can talk tonight when the kids go to bed. Of course I said yes.

He has been very nice to me since, I am working from home. He has been asking if I need a drink, made me a coffee. He is now making the kids dinner while I finish up some work. This is what he is usually like before all this shit!

I feel sick to my stomach though and wonder if he is buttering me up for the 'chat' later. GULP

Trauma? How so?

Well I would say that losing your job and falling out with your parents would be traumatic. Wouldn't you?

But OP, there does seem to be a pattern here. He fell out with his bosses. (To the extent that they arranged counselling for him.) He fell out with his parents. He's falling out with you.

Why don't you believe him when he says he is depressed? Why do you assume he's having an affair?

Would an affair be almost easier to handle and/or understand?

Then maybe you should look through his phone.
if he’s having private counselling how’s he paying for it..is there anyway you can see the transaction. That would at least give you some reassurance the councillor is genuine. Might also be very worthwhile to visit a couple councillor together at some point.

Why do people bother to answer posts when they clearly haven't read them?!

No I wouldn’t, but then I’ve been through something that is considered very traumatic myself, so maybe I have a different idea of what trauma is compared to most people.🤷‍♀️

Do people really think being sacked for arguing with your boss, is traumatic?

For some people, of course!

Just seems pretty extreme and dramatic, I get it’s stressful, but traumatising?! Having said that though, I totally accept I may be the weird one here! 😄

The spectrum of trauma is huge. I agree that for lots of people, it's not up there but it certainly can be traumatic

Good luck with the chat OP, I hope it goes well.

Sorry but I'm actually shocked by the knee jerk reactions of everyone saying 'he's having an affair' - based on what? People can disengage from relationships and struggle with mental health it is much more likely to be that?!?! As someone who has lived with someone long-term who had depression, firstly that depression was nearly always linked to work-related things, as that is how they saw their worth, and struggling with work meant struggling with self esteem and sense of self. As soon as they started struggling with that, their inherent unhappiness with themselves would manifest as them picking holes in me (initially this was so hard but I came to realise it when it was happening and let it wash over me) and our relationship, irritability and generally feeling like they had disconnected from me, before eventually there would be some kind of crash and they would struggle to even get out of bed for a while, before they would feel better, and the cycle would stop and go back to normal. Believe me when I say, this person did all the right things to try and engage with improving their mental health. I blamed them, blamed myself, until I came to see it's no one's fault and its either something you can live with or you can't. I can, just about. It's not easy but I also no longer take it personally. When they are in it, it does feel completely personal, but as soon as the light appears at the end of the tunnel its a different story. It isn't personal, but it is very usual for him not to know exactly what is making him unhappy and where these feelings are coming from (i.e. is it you, work, the kids). I have been told directly that it's me and that was horrible, especially considering I knew that it wasn't (sounds arrogant but only because I had been there before many times and it was never me). Someone who is depressed will often push you away because they feel unworthy, and the more caring you are the more stifled they feel and the worst it makes them feel about their inability to care for you. In a nutshell they feel sh*t and useless. Unless you have some kind of other inkling that he is having an affair then I would consider that this is mental health. It sounds identical to the situation I have been in. If that is the case, it still might not be something you can live with, but at least you could stop blaming yourself or him or worrying that it's something you can change/control. I think if he's been honest with you about his struggles, you owe it to be honest with him about your fears. Tell him it might sound silly, but he's been so down it's making you wonder if he still is interested in you, and you've even wondered if there might be someone else. Maybe it would help to get that off your chest. Just know that none of this is your fault whatever happens, and the advice to focus on yourself right now is excellent, that is what I always do. Good luck!

Ah, well, if you've been through one traumatic thing, then that cancels out everyone else's traumatic things! Obviously.

I've come through the other side of things that other people would consider traumatic. And I've not been able to deal with things that other people might not consider traumatic.

It's not a competition.

And, demonstrably, having a huge fallout with your parents is traumatic. You only have to read a few threads on here.

But, OP, my point remains - this is becoming a pattern for him. And definitely points to depression. (I am not a medical professional.)

hope it goes well!

I’m not saying that FFS, I’m simply admitting I may have a blind spot because of my own history to things like this, and wanted a genuine opinion as to if this was generally considered traumatic.

I hope your chat goes ok tonight and hopefully it's something along the lines of "sorry I've been so withdrawn and I'm going to make more effort from now on"

As someone who had a wonderful relationship with an attentive sweet man, who had revealed to me mental.health issues, I am.inclined to think.he coukd be depressed. We went from.having the time of our lives to almost being like strangers. I felt like inwas talkin to an acquaintance. Let the professionals find the solution. Don't try and fix things, which is what I tried to do- it can destroy you. The onli thing I would say is it would be hard to attend a retreat if you have just started a new job

Hopefully he will apologise and reassure you. Maybe visit the gp for antidepressants. Or maybe he is being nice so you agree to the ‘retreat’.

Sorry op but if it turns out to be an affair I wouldn’t be surprised. The fact you think it may be is a big red flag in itself (assuming you don’t usually think he is cheating).

They don’t need to meet in real life when they can meet them online. Instagram is apparently used to chat people up now 🤷‍♀️ as are computer games. Smiling at his phone. Always on his phone. Posting selfie’s are all signs. If you use Instagram/social media post a few pics of you both and tag him into the happy couple pictures. If he’s not cheating he may love seeing the pictures and if he is cheating he may remove the tag or object to you posting. Look to see who he is following and liking etc.