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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he depressed or having an affair!?

214 replies

Mumma2Ro · 10/07/2023 23:36

Things have been different with my husband for a couple of months now.

He has been moody with me- like everything I say annoys him. He has been showing me very little affection, not interested in sex (which is very unlike him!), not saying I love you as much, being short with me on messages. I’m pussy footing around him like a silly girl worried incase I say the wrong thing etc!

we had a deep conversation about a month ago as I was concerned. He said he doesn’t feel himself right now, he doesn’t feel happy and he doesn’t know why. He can’t put his finger on it. He said he doesn’t know if it’s me, us, work, financial worries etc.

he had a huge argument and falling out with some big bosses at work recently- he was suspended etc and has since found another job which he starts soon.

we had a great weekend at a family wedding, things felt normal again! We had a few drinks together, we danced, we kissed, we had sex. We had a laugh! And I felt like I had my husband back.

but come this evening he has switched again saying he isn’t feeling too good mentally today. he has been having weekly teams meetings with a counsellor to help him try and figure things out. He said the counsellor mentioned something about a retreat being something to look into for him!

sorry what…… now I’m confused! Have you ever heard of a retreat for depressed men??

as soon as he mentioned this my thoughts are running away with me. Is he having an affair and using his mental health to cover up the way he is action towards me?? I’m so confused. Am I being paranoid ??

this may sound a bit selfish but I’m getting very upset not knowing where I stand with him. Does he like me today? Am I gonna piss him off today ?

I miss my husband terribly :’( any advice ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 09:42

Hi guys.
yes I am a ‘repeat poster’ as someone said. Is there anything wrong with that? Our marriage has had its ups and downs. I come on here to get things off my chest, to vent, to get opinions, advice and different perspectives.
I tend to post when things are bad rather than good obviously.

I appreciate some of the things I’ve posted about before add context and are red flags- you’ve given me lots to think about thank you.

and please don’t judge me for wanted help and advice- I have no one in real life I can talk to about these things.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 09:45

Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 09:42

Hi guys.
yes I am a ‘repeat poster’ as someone said. Is there anything wrong with that? Our marriage has had its ups and downs. I come on here to get things off my chest, to vent, to get opinions, advice and different perspectives.
I tend to post when things are bad rather than good obviously.

I appreciate some of the things I’ve posted about before add context and are red flags- you’ve given me lots to think about thank you.

and please don’t judge me for wanted help and advice- I have no one in real life I can talk to about these things.

I’m not judging you. But I do think this guy is taking you for a ride. Big time. The latest one being an expensive and sudden ‘retreat’ (that he can emotionally manipulate you into because depression), leaving you to contend with a young dog, two young children, full time work and financial woes.

At best, he’s a selfish, selfish prick…

Acornsoup · 12/07/2023 10:00

I mean has he even paid for this retreat? He could just be going away with the lads. Or someone else. He's serving you guilt so you will agree to anything. Talking matters would not make a recommendation like this. I doubt a professional therapist would either in these circumstances. If there is an addiction problem I understand the shame he would be feeling but he is pinning this on you - doesn't know if it's you or the relationship. I is neither - it is him and his part in the relationship. He's got you jumping through hoops OP

Shapemyeyebrows · 12/07/2023 10:28

@Mumma2Ro I get the impression your husband knows exactly how to play you. I also remember some of the posts other people have mentioned, and no there’s nothing wrong with being a repeat poster but how many things does he need to do to you before you say enough is enough? And it’s just so typical this man has a history of red flag behaviour for it to be HIM who is the unhappy one and needing to go to a retreat. Hear of this so often where the husband treats partner like shit, red flags galore, she becomes a shell of herself in the end only for HIM to be the one to leave her. Leaving the woman with crushing confidence, questioning what she did wrong etc etc. I just hope you have good family and friends around you right now.

Shapemyeyebrows · 12/07/2023 10:34

Just seen this is also the man where you had a message from someone saying he had slept with someone on a stag do. Maybe guilt about that perhaps?

mimi912 · 12/07/2023 10:42

He's feeling guilty about having done something, that's for sure.

mimi912 · 12/07/2023 10:49

Reading between the lines I think he's having an affair and is using his MH as a convenient excuse. I don't think he's going to Promis, either.

Susieb2023 · 12/07/2023 10:56

@Mumma2Ro i am absolutely not judging you for being a previous poster. To be honest I feel like this man is pulling the wool over your eyes and it’s hard when you’re there to see the wider picture including previous incidents, luckily you have posted and we can see all the incidents that have some of us so concerned about how you’re possibly being manipulated and lied to.

As I’ve said dig deeper. You sound anxious and a lack of safety brings on that level of anxiety. Somewhere deep inside you know that you’re not safe emotionally and mentally with this man.

Bookworm20 · 12/07/2023 12:07

Having read a couple of your other threads, I remember them when you posted, I think he is very likely having an affair or something with other women. Perhaps even seeing prostitutes.
You were notified he slept with a prostitute on a recent stag do, last few months hes stopped being affectionate/wanting sex with you, he goes out every wednesday and recently you couldn't get hold of him all evening, not sure if there is any more.....

Sorry, but it doesn't look good. He seems to be functioning perfectly fine in his overall life, except with you. It does lean more towards OW than depression.

Honestly, adding all that together, I'd be taking a look at his phone.

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 12:16

Thank you all.
I’ve decided I am going to look through his phone tonight when he is asleep.

I am also going to call the retreat he is staying at over the weekend to see if he is there.

any ideas how or what I can buy to track his car movements ??

i feel angry today. So I want to go on full investigation mode

OP posts:
cruisingabout · 12/07/2023 12:17

Shapemyeyebrows · 11/07/2023 23:11

@Mumma2Ro I’m sorry but he does know what it is. He just doesn’t want to tell you yet. The thing that’s making me think other woman is that he’s saying he doesn’t know if it’s you or your relationship. Plenty of people have depression but make it known they still love their partner. My ex had a period of depression but I still felt he loved me and he wanted to be with me. I knew his struggle was not about our relationship. The cynic in me is wondering if he’s really going to a retreat or if he’s going away with another woman to decide whether shes good enough to leave you for. Yes men can have depression but gut feeling on this is there’s someone else lurking and confusing him.

this. I believed it's just a depression before the casual mentioning of 'I don't know what it is, it could be you or the relationship' crap. also to all the sexist comments, this topic has nothing to do with 'women should allow men to be depressed too', it's entirely about people's behaviours, and is not gender related.

my h has been mildly depressed for a few years, and I was severely depressed and self destructive a decade ago. when people are depressed, they KNOW why they are depressed. they might not know on a specific level, but they can separate what's triggering and what's not. they can even identify what's soothing and healing. our relationship actually helped with our respective depressions. I started to heal after dating h, always felt better when being with him, and eventually that horrible feeling went away, I think he had a lot to do with it. h is currently depressed due to stress at work, and guess what, he drags his feet when having to log on to work by spending more time with his hobby and me. he avoids work NOT ME.

and let's say if your h really is depressed and 'can't figure out why', then guess what he does NOT identifying as soothing and healing? YOU AND DC. and what is he going to do to 'make himself feel better'? get an ow. what will he say when you react to said ow? that you should be all understanding and supportive because he was depressed and feeling miserable now he feels better. how is he going to react when you argue with him? that you are selfish and toxic and don't want him to get better. what will happen eventually? you will leave because you can't take the abuse and humiliation anymore, he gets to be the victim, people start to say things like 'poor greg he was always so unhappy when he was with w'. what's the reslut for the both of you? him a poor man mistreated in his marriage who eventually were released and found happiness, you a screaming controling bitch.

I'd pay more attention to his late night dog walks btw.

mimi912 · 12/07/2023 12:20

Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 12:16

Thank you all.
I’ve decided I am going to look through his phone tonight when he is asleep.

I am also going to call the retreat he is staying at over the weekend to see if he is there.

any ideas how or what I can buy to track his car movements ??

i feel angry today. So I want to go on full investigation mode

I've seen people on here say to hide a phone which is logged into your icloud account in his car. Then you can track your own movements so to speak.

mimi912 · 12/07/2023 12:21

Of course, if he's clever, he will drive to near where Promis is, leave his car parked there, then go off in another car. If he's having an affair that is.

mimi912 · 12/07/2023 12:23

Having a dog really helps a cheater.

Shapemyeyebrows · 12/07/2023 12:28

@Mumma2Ro I doubt they would give out any information of a patient over the phone to you. How has he paid for the retreat, can you not check your online banking for the payment coming out?

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 12:37

Okay I’m not having these stupid comments about the dog and him dog walking! The puppy is 4 months old and has a 20 minute walk in the evenings

OP posts:
cruisingabout · 12/07/2023 12:50

Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 12:37

Okay I’m not having these stupid comments about the dog and him dog walking! The puppy is 4 months old and has a 20 minute walk in the evenings

20min is plenty enough for phone call and texting. you can't see what you don't want to see. also seems like he never told you why he had that big fall out with his boss, were you satisfied with the disciplinary hearing and paperwork explaination? why was he given a disciplinary hearing, and what was the reason he had that big fight with his boss, was it an implusive thing or had tension been built up for a long time? what was the fight about? was anyone else involved? he seems very secretive about his own life, and had you convinced that he doesn't have to tell you more. again, you can't see what you don't want to see.

mimi912 · 12/07/2023 12:56

Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 12:37

Okay I’m not having these stupid comments about the dog and him dog walking! The puppy is 4 months old and has a 20 minute walk in the evenings

Mine wasn't a stupid comment (in case you thought it was).

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 13:11

We’re on your side @Mumma2Ro. Whatever is going on, his behaviour towards you is totally and utterly unreasonable. This retreat plan is a joke, especially when you’re strapped for cash, have a puppy, two small children and you work full time.

And his conduct is odd. You’re well within your rights to feel you need to evidence-gather. I’d feel the exact same.

NESS111 · 12/07/2023 13:42

Why not ring the retreat beforehand and check what time he is supposed to arrive? things must be so bad for you that you would want to use a tracker on his car. Depression or not he is leaving you to sort everything out at home he cares only about himself. It sounds like he has been getting you ready with the whole depression story and he is probably meeting up with someone. Can you check his bank statement and see if the retreat has been paid for?

Dullardmullard · 12/07/2023 13:48

The clinic won’t give any info out data protection and all that.

bank statements is good though. Unless finances are separate

if your doing the tracking etc I’d just ask him to leave as it’s over.

Bookworm20 · 12/07/2023 15:11

So sorry you are going through this. I really do hope he is just stressed, but some of it really isn't adding up well.

He also got booked into the retreat pretty quick, I'd of thought there was some sort of waiting list. Has he told you how much its costing?

Ok, so full on investigation mode. You need to first find out if he is in fact going to the retreat. so evidence of a payment made to them for it - they will want that upfront before he goes I imagine. Booking confirmation, he will have an email from them detailing all the arrangements, times, costs, expectations, what he needs to bring, what location he is going to (they seem to have a few different ones) etc etc.

Looking at his phone to be honest is a good idea. You are worried about him, he isn't giving you any answers and you want to help him with this depression. Is the reason you give him. Check for deleted messages, do you know how to do that on an iphone? deleted emails and also check deleted photo section. In whats app you can also go into settings, storgae and data, manage storage and it shows the conversation trails in there, I think including any which have been deleted if they contained images or videos of any kind.

Get to the bottom of why he was let go from his job. Make sure you have all the facts about that, it could be related to all this.

If you can log into your home modem, it should show you what devices have connected to it at any time, so if you suspect a second phone/device, it should show up on there.

If you have an old iphone you can leave it in his car accidently awitched on and as long as its connected to your find devices it will show its location from your other linked devices.

`lets honestly hope he is just going through a bit of a wobble and is depressed and is getting help at the retreat. I find it odd though that he is willing to pay out quite a bit of money to do this, yet refuses to go see a gp. I'd probably ask him that question too.

Good luck OP, I hope it turns out to be nothing, but either way he is putting you through hell lately and depressed or not that is pretty shit treatment of you and unacceptable.

Dullardmullard · 12/07/2023 16:24

Bookworm20 · 12/07/2023 15:22

OP, not sure how accurate this is, but reviews suggest a 30 day stay at this retreat is in the region of £20,000. A weekend is £2000. How long is he going for?
https://promis.co.uk/assessment-programme/

It’s for the weekend if I’ve read right as it’s for 3 days

2K is a lot if your struggling for money.

20K is obscene!!!

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 17:05

You’re not all going to believe this……

as I want to start investigating, I messaged DHs friend at work on fb.
said along the lines of…… I’m messaging you in confidence as I’m really concerned bla bla bla.

he replied to my message saying……. I spoke with him yesterday and he told me you guys are separating!!!

😳😳😳😳

Well as you can imagine I called him and went mental. I’ve packed his stuff in a suitcase and told him it’s over and the suitcase is waiting for him on the doorstep.

I feel numb. How can I have been so stupid

OP posts: