Is he depressed or having an affair!?

[Mumma2Ro]

Things have been different with my husband for a couple of months now.

He has been moody with me- like everything I say annoys him. He has been showing me very little affection, not interested in sex (which is very unlike him!), not saying I love you as much, being short with me on messages. I’m pussy footing around him like a silly girl worried incase I say the wrong thing etc!

we had a deep conversation about a month ago as I was concerned. He said he doesn’t feel himself right now, he doesn’t feel happy and he doesn’t know why. He can’t put his finger on it. He said he doesn’t know if it’s me, us, work, financial worries etc.

he had a huge argument and falling out with some big bosses at work recently- he was suspended etc and has since found another job which he starts soon.

we had a great weekend at a family wedding, things felt normal again! We had a few drinks together, we danced, we kissed, we had sex. We had a laugh! And I felt like I had my husband back.

but come this evening he has switched again saying he isn’t feeling too good mentally today. he has been having weekly teams meetings with a counsellor to help him try and figure things out. He said the counsellor mentioned something about a retreat being something to look into for him!

sorry what…… now I’m confused! Have you ever heard of a retreat for depressed men??

as soon as he mentioned this my thoughts are running away with me. Is he having an affair and using his mental health to cover up the way he is action towards me?? I’m so confused. Am I being paranoid ??

this may sound a bit selfish but I’m getting very upset not knowing where I stand with him. Does he like me today? Am I gonna piss him off today ?

I miss my husband terribly :’( any advice ?

The best thing you can do now is let him know you're available to talk, but throw yourself in self care, exercise, healthy eating, meeting friends etc - this will boost your resilience so that whether it's depression or affair you'll be in best position to help him
Or move forwards, whichever you need to do

I’d be suspicious that the ‘retreat’ is being mooted as cover for a dirty weekend/week away!

Does he have these weekly teams counselling sessions at home or outside the house OP?

I’d trust your gut and go through his phone, laptop/PC, track his car etc to see if there is evidence of an OW. I wouldn’t give a damn about invading his privacy if I had reason to suspect he was cheating, lying and treating me like an idiot!

All the posters saying he is having an affair are ignoring the fact he has been through two life traumas
Several people have said that it could be either depression or an affair, and I pointed out that it could be both.

I am. How is that relevant?

Have you read ‘the script’?

Also, have you read my post? I said I feared she was being optimistic and that it sounded to me like the script.

I didn’t say “he’s definitively cheating, get your ducks in a row and leave the fucker.”

I know your MO is to hop on threads like this and defend men as an entity, but denying and picking on female posters’ opinions, which are based on first-hand experiences of male behaviour, especially when it’s shared in a measured fashion like my post was, is unhelpful. Wouldn’t you agree?

I’m a middle aged female poster and I too was wondering how distressed men can behave to avoid being accused of having an affair.

Jesus christ
track his car? That’s terrible advice.
massive leap based on nothing, to massively unreasonable behaviour!

Does he have these weekly teams counselling sessions at home or outside the house OP?

I’ve had remote counselling and there is no way I would have it in the house where others can hear. It’s intensely private. I drove out of the house and parked my car someone private to take the sessions.

Thinking someone is having an affair because they want their counselling to take place privately is really desperate to see signs of an affair.

No I would not
you, like many posters, defaulted to the “it’s probably the script, he’s probably lying and cheating”.

i think that’s unfair, based on nothing but your own preconceptions about how men are, and just as you’re entitled to have and share that view, I should be ok to point out its deficiencies and disagree with it

based on nothing but your own preconceptions about how men are
No, it's based on our experiences of what men (and women) do when they are having an affair. Have you experienced that?

Ditto!

Yes I have.

Based on my experience of trauma and depression the husband’s behaviour is entirely consistent with having suffered trauma ( which he has in two major areas). There is no need to look for an alternative explanation.

I mean he may be having an affair. He may have been happily having an affair for the past seven years. Men who successfully have affairs don’t show signs of having an affair. Only the men shit at having affairs or who no longer care to be in the marriage so aren’t bothered by their wife finding out, show signs of having affairs.

But being as his behaviour is consistent with what is actually known to have happened recently in his life, those events are the most likely explanation for his behaviour.

Op, please bear in mind you are asking the question to a forum where mostly women go when there are issues in their relationship, which unfortunately can involve affairs. They then use their experience to help other women who are going through something similar.

However some behaviour may be similar to their experience but isn't actually limited to an affair. Of course it could be, but not necessarily.

It sounds like there's has been a lot of conflict, upset and financial pressures on your husband. To be fair, depression can occur even without these triggers. Of course there are retreats for both genders. Males are actually statistically more likely to commit suicide than females, and a lot was to do with the fact there is an inequality in accessing help and provision, so there are a lot more male only services such as mental health groups, retreats etc cropping up now.

Nobody on this thread can tell you for definite that your husband is cheating or following ' the script' or anything else. They can't tell you he's definitely genuine about his mental health either. Only you know ur husband so please don't allow other people's opinions to colour yours, no matter how harshly they exclaim it

I've been through an investigation at work that almost led to a disciplinary (I left instead) -- the investigation alone was hugely stressful, definitely the worst thing that has happened to me in a professional setting and one that caused me huge anxiety and depression (regularly crying at work, etc.). If your husband went through the investigation plus a disciplinary leading to a suspension/leaving his job, I can only imagine how much stress this has put him through, especially if he felt (as I did) blindsided by it all. On top of this, you said he's been cut off by his parents (or cut them off) for the past year. I've also personally experienced this, and regardless what the reasons are, it is incredibly painful.

Based on these two pretty significant factors, the lack of interest he's showing, and the apathy he seems to currently have about his life in general, I think depression is the most likely reason he is behaving the way he is. I would agree with other posters and recommend he see a GP. Maybe medication would help, if counselling isn't helping him get a handle on it. Otherwise, you can also try starting to exercise together? You said you have young kids, so it can be hard, but walks or runs together can massively improve mood in a fairly short space of time.

I know someone who went on a men’s retreat to deal with similar issues and it made a huge difference to them. It was recommended by a counsellor. Probably not particularly mainstream but historically men haven’t necessarily broached mental health issues head on like this (sorry I don’t want to generalise but I hope you get what I mean).

I too was wondering how distressed men can behave to avoid being accused of having an affair.
My dp went through something similar to this guy in 2021 - lengthy workplace bullying followed by having to leave his job and find a new one. His mother had recently died and his teenage daughter was causing him further stress.
He did not suggest that his mental state might be because of me. He did not make me walk on eggshells. He acknowledged that he was not his usual self and apologised for it. Obviously I told him not to apologise, but the acknowledgement was helpful.
I wouldn't expect all men to be able to deal with it that well, of course.
But I've been depressed before and was still able to see when I was distressing others, and try to avoid it. If this guy is well enough to work and function relatively normally then I'd expect him to be able to see he is distressing OP.

The more extreme "bug his car" posts are clearly OTT. But he might be having an affair; it's always possible, and worth OP considering before she lays the blame entirely on herself.

@Mumma2Ro sorry but this does scream “affair to me” or at least someone else who has turned his head and confused him. I know so many people who have been cheated on, and this is exactly what happens. The signs are very much like depression, the faithful partner worries their husband is having a breakdown and is depressed when really it’s the man just dealing with the emotions of having an affair. There is a possibility he could be depressed but I would say there’s a third party somewhere. He will never admit it though.

This thread is so, ironically, depressing. Imagine a woman coming on here saying she was having trouble with her mental health following two big traumas, and that as a result her DH suspected her of having an affair. Everyone would go nuts.

sorry what…… now I’m confused! Have you ever heard of a retreat for depressed men??

These are very much a thing. A friend of mine was hugely helped by going on one, and the continuing support he has from other men who were on it.

I mean, your DH is in touch enough with his feelings that he is actually undergoing counselling. He has been honest with you, and shared his difficulties.

We're none of us perfect. Does he have to be?

You were the one who picked on my measured and reasonable post. You often post various things in a theme of NAMALT.

My measuresd opinion was just that, something I am entitled to post, just as much as you, a man. My opinion is based on professional and personal experience. And I am not required to keep it to myself in case a man or male poster is upset by it, ‘because NAMALT’…

I don't understand all this hand wringing over what men are supposed to do if they're depressed and not having an affair.

He needed to say 'I'm not coping with what's going on with my family and/or the suspension at work. I feel in a very low mood and very distracted because of the stress but I want to reassure you that it is not in any way your fault.'

Instead he said 'I feel unhappy and I don’t know if it’s you, us, work, financial worries or what.' On top of this he is cold, moody and distant, no interest in any affection or sex with no real explanation for any of his behaviour.

Is he definitely seeing a counsellor? My big concern would be that when he says he's seeing the counsellor he's actually seeing the affair partner and 'the retreat' is actually a planned week away with the AP. If I knew he was definitely having counselling then I would be less concerned because it doesn't sound like there is any other time when he could see someone else.

@Superdupes The counselling sessions are on Teams. It's in the OP's first post.

I feel in a very low mood and very distracted because of the stress but I want to reassure you that it is not in any way your fault.'

Well, to be fair, that may not be how he feels.

It sounds like he is having a shit time OP, I think PP's advice to focus on your own self care and resilience is very good. Putting the chance of an affair aside (not to say he isn't but as he isn't going away etc it's less likely imo), he is proactivly seeking help thought therapy and that's really great, so many people just do nothing. However his behavior is still having a negative impact on you and the kids and that's not on. Being depressed isn't a get out of jail card for being a dick.

You need to have a discussion about what the next steps are, what the impact on the family will be, and how you manage it. I took an extended leave of work when I had burnout, I really needed it but fortunately I was able to afford it from savings, no disruption to family life. It may be he needs to try medication, he's doing the therapy and you aren't seeing any improvements, when people are depressed they are incredibly self focused so he needs to be told what the impact of the current situation is on you and the kids.