Is he depressed or having an affair!?

[Mumma2Ro]

Things have been different with my husband for a couple of months now.

He has been moody with me- like everything I say annoys him. He has been showing me very little affection, not interested in sex (which is very unlike him!), not saying I love you as much, being short with me on messages. I’m pussy footing around him like a silly girl worried incase I say the wrong thing etc!

we had a deep conversation about a month ago as I was concerned. He said he doesn’t feel himself right now, he doesn’t feel happy and he doesn’t know why. He can’t put his finger on it. He said he doesn’t know if it’s me, us, work, financial worries etc.

he had a huge argument and falling out with some big bosses at work recently- he was suspended etc and has since found another job which he starts soon.

we had a great weekend at a family wedding, things felt normal again! We had a few drinks together, we danced, we kissed, we had sex. We had a laugh! And I felt like I had my husband back.

but come this evening he has switched again saying he isn’t feeling too good mentally today. he has been having weekly teams meetings with a counsellor to help him try and figure things out. He said the counsellor mentioned something about a retreat being something to look into for him!

sorry what…… now I’m confused! Have you ever heard of a retreat for depressed men??

as soon as he mentioned this my thoughts are running away with me. Is he having an affair and using his mental health to cover up the way he is action towards me?? I’m so confused. Am I being paranoid ??

this may sound a bit selfish but I’m getting very upset not knowing where I stand with him. Does he like me today? Am I gonna piss him off today ?

I miss my husband terribly :’( any advice ?

You posted a few months ago about how unhappy you were in this relationship. I remember your username.

Something was bothering you then and it sounds like it’s gone from bad to worse.

Sorry but for those who have been through an affair it screams cheating, I don’t understand why one poster on here dismisses the views of those who have been through cheating, I think experience of these kind of behaviours is more than valid.

But it’s also been months of him checking out.

You so deserve better.

Hope all is ok OP? Xxx

Hi everyone

so we had a chat. He said his counsellor today has suggested he attends the retreat.

he has told me all about it and send me the link to the place.

there were a lot of tears from both of us. I told him how he has been making me feel the last couple of months. I said while I’m sympathetic and supportive, I also can’t carry on like this! Treading on egg shells everyday, wondering what mood he is going to be in etc.

I told him I missed us and how we used to be. And how I missed him before all this shit.

he was crying and very upset saying he hates the way he is making me feel, it’s not intentional etc. he is trying to figure his head out and figure out why he is unhappy cos he wants to be the best version of himself for me and the kids etc.

i asked him outright if there was anyone else, he said no.

He did say he wasn’t sure why he feels unhappy and that he doesn’t know if it’s me or our relationship. He said it could be that, it could be all that’s gone on with his parent, it could be work situation. He just doesn’t know.

I said well I can’t go on like this forever it’s been months now and how can he still not know! That’s the bit I don’t understand- and I’m not sure I will.

I’ve suggested he goes to the GP for medication and also that we try couples counselling

so he is off to this retreat on Friday

https://promis.co.uk/about/services/primary-care/

i’m upstairs in bed crying my eyes out. He has gone for a walk with the dog x

It sounds utterly miserable for both of you.

I'm sorry it's this hard.

Aww I am sorry he is putting you through all this stress. I would really check his phone at this point though, strange he hasn't been able to pinpoint what is wrong after so long and having all these counselling sessions 🤔 hope you get to the bottom of it all asap, not nice bring left in limbo for so long.

I'd check his phone too.
Unfortunately most men lie in this situation. If he's not ready to leave for OW he is just not going to tell you.
No, he's not definitely having an affair but I'd want to rule it out personally.
Sorry you're going through this op.

Also I am super suspicious of stuff like retreats etc, I'd be doing a drive by to check his car is there too 🧐 my trust levels with men/people are very low these days 😞

OH MY GOD

Men can get depression. Men can not know exactly why they are feeling crap. Men can want to try and make things better, but not really know how to do that because they don't understand what is happening to them. Men can flounder and suffer and be crap.

But no, on Mumsnet, only women get to have mental health problems. If it's a man, he must be having an affair.

Listen to yourselves!

Im so sorry you are going through this.
Do as others have suggested...lie low, give nothing away and check that phone!!! This has ALL the traits of an OW and certainly the start of the script. Hope it isnt, but Mumsnetters are rarely wrong

@Mumma2Ro I’m sorry but he does know what it is. He just doesn’t want to tell you yet. The thing that’s making me think other woman is that he’s saying he doesn’t know if it’s you or your relationship. Plenty of people have depression but make it known they still love their partner. My ex had a period of depression but I still felt he loved me and he wanted to be with me. I knew his struggle was not about our relationship. The cynic in me is wondering if he’s really going to a retreat or if he’s going away with another woman to decide whether shes good enough to leave you for. Yes men can have depression but gut feeling on this is there’s someone else lurking and confusing him.

He's gone for a walk with the dog.

Does he usually do this?

Oh has the clinic now been taken out of special measures if not I wouldn’t go there ever and how is this being paid for as it’s private after all.

Oh FFS. This is insane. This poor woman's heart is breaking and some of the infidelity super-sleuths on this thread seem to be positively dying to be proved right. What other innocent action is next going to come under the spotlight?

Does he have an addiction OP? I know it says it treats other MH issues but bit of an odd place to go as it seems to be geared to addiction and you would assume most of the other guests will be addicts.

Sorry, but I’d definitely be accidentally dropping an old phone, with a PAYG sim to enable mobile data, and tracking app downloaded on it down the back seats of his car, just to ease my mind so I knew where he was as he sounds vulnerable with his MH issues. If he goes there, at least you know he’s safe and getting support. If he doesn’t, you have your answer.

It sounds absolutely horrendous, OP.

So - he’s had a massive falling out with his bosses.

And a massive falling out with his parents, such that you’ve been no contact with them for a year.

And he’s now on the verge of having a massive falling out with you.

I’m not reading ‘affair’.

Call me naive, but I think it’s something else at play. I could - and may well - be wrong.

I hope you’re able to find a pathway through this - because it’s definitely not tenable ongoing.

I said well I can’t go on like this forever it’s been months now and how can he still not know! That’s the bit I don’t understand- and I’m not sure I will.

Sorry to echo other posters but it’s pretty unlikely that he has no idea “what it is”. Evasiveness, talking about issues in a vague or general way and/or unwillingness to talk about his feelings and experiences in a detailed and self-reflective way is usually a massive red flag, and one that’s not easy to confront as you may feel unwilling to “push him” because he may become more distressed. But the increased distress is usually tied to the fact that the thing he’s hiding is coming closer to exposure.

It’s far more likely he knows but is not prepared to front up. It may not be an affair but some kind of addiction … alcohol, drugs, hidden spending, gambling, porn … is a possibility.

Are you clear on the symptoms of depression? Has your husband been diagnosed with depression by someone qualified to do so? Or have you/he been talking about it as a possibility without a profession opinion?

So he became his old self for the afternoon prior to mentioning going to the retreat?

Can you even get onto a retreat at such short notice?

MN is always so fast to scream affairs but I think maybe he could be depressed. My DF went through a phase like that and it was depression, people become shut off and disengaged.

@Mumma2Ro are you the poster who also had a message from a girl saying your husband had slept with a prostitute on a stag do, you asked him and he turned it into ‘how could you possibly believe he’d do that’ and you decided to believe him and block the girl?

I believe you’ve posted about so many red flags with this man and have been treated appallingly, he’s emotionally abusive, he’s withdrawn affection but his gaslighting is exceptional and you’re desperate to believe him.

Please dig deeper.

Problem is everyone who’s partner had an affair will say ‘affair ‘’
and with good reason

bit there is also every possibility he’s depressed and not handling it great
and a major work issue and family fall out are huge major issues

I thought an ex was cheating on me for similar and as we were casually dating i went on other dates

but he wasn’t , he was depressed and I was the cheat !!

either way I’d watch and wait
you can be both supportive and have some boundaries

the main giveaway for affairs are the phones
always on it and secretive

I’m just concerned that the definitive ‘affair !’ Answer might not help your anxiety

So he’s now swanning off on his retreat in three days, with no discussion, and leaving you to deal with everything in his absence?

I’m sorry but that is an entirely selfish move. Entirely.

Plenty of people have ‘trauma’ of job losses and parental fall-outs and manage to not treat their wives like shit and swan off on a ‘retreat’ with a moment’s notice. I don’t agree with the way he’s treating you at all @Mumma2Ro.

And for those posters screaming ‘men can be depressed, too!’ at those of us who are more suspicious of this man’s motives, I strongly suggest you have a glance at the OP’s other threads. This is a very, very selfish man.

Particularly the one about the stag do in Marbella.

You’re freaking out about finances, looking after a young dog and two small children, plus working fully yourself, and he wants to fuck off on a ‘retreat’, with next to no warning and no discussion…

I really hope you’re ok, OP.

I entirely agree @Hibiscrubbed context is everything here and this man is incredibly selfish and entitled and OP has posted so many concerning threads around his behaviour and her worries.

He may well be depressed but there is a lot more to all of this and the red flags are waving!

The stag do thread being particularly concerning as OP closed off entirely and chose to put blind faith into this man. I suspect that will continue.

@Mumma2Ro i genuinely am worried that he is taking full advantage of your love, empathy and compassion for him. Please tread carefully.

Wait this is a repeat poster again!!

this retreat is private and was in special measures in 2019 and costs a bloody bomb so how can he afford it if struggling for money. Something is off with this or OP is in deep denial

This ^ be careful. Being suspended is a huge deal, life can deal blows and men can deal with things differently.