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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he depressed or having an affair!?

214 replies

Mumma2Ro · 10/07/2023 23:36

Things have been different with my husband for a couple of months now.

He has been moody with me- like everything I say annoys him. He has been showing me very little affection, not interested in sex (which is very unlike him!), not saying I love you as much, being short with me on messages. I’m pussy footing around him like a silly girl worried incase I say the wrong thing etc!

we had a deep conversation about a month ago as I was concerned. He said he doesn’t feel himself right now, he doesn’t feel happy and he doesn’t know why. He can’t put his finger on it. He said he doesn’t know if it’s me, us, work, financial worries etc.

he had a huge argument and falling out with some big bosses at work recently- he was suspended etc and has since found another job which he starts soon.

we had a great weekend at a family wedding, things felt normal again! We had a few drinks together, we danced, we kissed, we had sex. We had a laugh! And I felt like I had my husband back.

but come this evening he has switched again saying he isn’t feeling too good mentally today. he has been having weekly teams meetings with a counsellor to help him try and figure things out. He said the counsellor mentioned something about a retreat being something to look into for him!

sorry what…… now I’m confused! Have you ever heard of a retreat for depressed men??

as soon as he mentioned this my thoughts are running away with me. Is he having an affair and using his mental health to cover up the way he is action towards me?? I’m so confused. Am I being paranoid ??

this may sound a bit selfish but I’m getting very upset not knowing where I stand with him. Does he like me today? Am I gonna piss him off today ?

I miss my husband terribly :’( any advice ?

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 12/07/2023 17:08

You are not dumb you have missed the signs is all. Lock the door, keep him out if you can and transfer any money in joint accounts if you can. He was planning on leaving you ate the weekend and he's been taking the moral high ground for the last 2 months. You will be ok, it will take time. Get someone to come and stay with you x

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 17:19

Acornsoup · 12/07/2023 17:08

You are not dumb you have missed the signs is all. Lock the door, keep him out if you can and transfer any money in joint accounts if you can. He was planning on leaving you ate the weekend and he's been taking the moral high ground for the last 2 months. You will be ok, it will take time. Get someone to come and stay with you x

I’m not telling anyone about this yet. I’m too embarrassed.

he is crying to me telling me he loves me and bla bla bla. WTF

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 12/07/2023 17:19

unfortunately when you love someone you can’t always see things other people can see. Or you tell yourself it’s not true. It’s clear by him telling his mate you are separating that he’s known where his head has been at for some time, but he’s been leading you down the garden path in the meantime. This whole retreat thing really doesn’t add up either, i work in the lines of mental health and I’ve never known someone to recommend going to a 2k per weekend retreat so soon into counselling prior to visiting a GP or trying medications. If you take off the rose tinted glasses and look back at your other posts, I hope you start to realise he’s not a good man. It must be exhausting being so anxious about what he’s up to whilst pretending outwardly you’re not. Stay strong.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 12/07/2023 17:22

Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 17:19

I’m not telling anyone about this yet. I’m too embarrassed.

he is crying to me telling me he loves me and bla bla bla. WTF

Show quote history

He's an arsehole OP who has lied directly to your face, I know this is an incredibly difficult time for you but you have the measure of him now. All the time you have spent worrying about him and he was planning to go on a 'retreat' and just leave you and the kids. Utter arsehole. Get your ducks in a line and find your anger.

Acornsoup · 12/07/2023 17:24

I would never again believe anything he says to you. You have no shame here. I don think you should ask this friend of DH exactly what he's been saying and for how long. You will find your anger eventually OP there must be a reason he's wanting to go. Of course he's crying he's been found out and he needs to limit the damage. He has been lying to you - don't forget that.

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 17:25

I need to find out about this retreat at the weekend. Just to add to my case! How can I do this though, I don’t have an old phone I can hide in his car. Any ideas ??
or do I just tell him I need solid proof of this retreat?

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 12/07/2023 17:28

Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 17:25

I need to find out about this retreat at the weekend. Just to add to my case! How can I do this though, I don’t have an old phone I can hide in his car. Any ideas ??
or do I just tell him I need solid proof of this retreat?

PP's advise about checking joint accounts, making sure he can't clear you out of money, make sure you have all important documents etc is really important. You know he is lying so work on protecting yourself first.

TheShit · 12/07/2023 17:29

This is so familiar, I went through the same with my ex-husband. He also didn't know why he was so depressed, what was making him so unhappy, he was so cold to me, always crying, treated me despicably. I turned myself inside out for 2 years doing everything I could to support and fix him, I ended up a shell of my former self. And he also wanted to get away for a bit, see if it would help, bla bla bla.

Anyway, he was having not one, but two affairs. I imagine that's exactly what's happening here too, I'm so sorry. I never had contact with anyone in his work, but I do wonder what story he was pedalling about me, one of his affair partners was from work. I definitely don't believe I ever got the whole story, and at this stage it doesn't matter. The truest line I ever read here was, if something doesn't make sense, it's because you don't have all the information. He's misleading you, manipulating you, lying to you. Deliberately.

3isthemagicnumberrr · 12/07/2023 17:35

You really don’t need proof of the retreats. Do not let him back into your life, he’s clearly a good liar and will do whatever it takes to convince you about this retreat….

You deserve so much better, I’m so sorry.

Acornsoup · 12/07/2023 17:38

I really think the retreat is a red herring OP. It's just a cover story. I don't even think he has a counsellor.

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 17:42

He’s an absolute liar. Quelle surprise.

He almost certainly did cheat in Marbella, he’s likely cheating now, this self indulgent ‘retreat’ charade is probably a load of bollocks or a front, he’s found a way to happily lay a lot of his fuck ups at your door, and he was preparing to leave you with two small children and a puppy, while emotionally manipulating you into feeling sorry for him, while he indulges himself in whatever the fuck he’s been up to.

Utter cunt. As suspected.

Not to point score too overtly, but I wonder if the ‘how dare you, men can be depressed too’ brigade will be back…

nobodysdaughternow · 12/07/2023 17:51

He lost me when he told you his problems could be because of you op.

He may well be depressed and I'm sure the work situation was stressful, but it's a low blow to suggest you might be to blame.

I would think he has been fired for misconduct which could well be because of an inappropriate relationship at work.

nobodysdaughternow · 12/07/2023 17:53

You could switch location services on if he has an iPhone?

Shapemyeyebrows · 12/07/2023 17:58

when he comes home to get his stuff just ask him to hand his phone over there and then. However what more do you need to know? He cheated on you on a stag do. He’s been acting off/ distant. He’s been lying to you about being oh so depressed and making you worry about him. Whilst all along he’s been plotting to leave you. How did he say he had paid for this retreat and were you aware it was 2k? Do you have joint money/ accounts?

montecarlo7 · 12/07/2023 18:04

I'm so sorry, OP. This must be a terrible shock.

FromNowOn23 · 12/07/2023 18:07

Ask him to show you how he’s paid for the retreat? I don’t believe a word.

OnACloud · 12/07/2023 18:09

Hi there, I haven’t read the whole thread but I have read all of your posts.
I’m sorry to say it sounds similar to the way my DH went. I thought it was pressure of work and finances, which maybe it was to start with. When I asked him why he was so unhappy he said he didn’t love me anymore and wanted to leave. I found out two weeks later (by looking at his phone) that he had been having an affair for 6 months. I had no idea. He had been awful to live with but I thought it was stress.
I found out more and more in the following weeks and realised that he had been telling people for months that we were getting divorced! Sadly he hadn’t mentioned anything to me!
I’m so sorry but it sounds so similar.
That’s a long story short, there’s more to it and it’s all very complicated. We are trying to work through it to save our marriage. Happy to talk more if you think it will help. X

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 18:31

we don’t have a joint bank account.
we never have done!

I have all the important documents etc so that’s fine.

we only moved into our house in November, massive mortgage. Our household bills are £2,600 a month. I can’t afford this by myself! What am I going to do.

the counselling service he has been having has been provided through his old work and he says that the retreat is paid for by them as part of his employee benefits. He told me he is still eligible for this as he is still within his 4 week notice

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 12/07/2023 18:41

@Mumma2Ro I don’t believe him even more so now. Paid for by his work….🤔 tell him to send you the email confirmation he will have from his employer then for this weekend. I believe they may have provided counselling but I’m very doubtful about them paying for a 2k stay at a retreat. Regardless though, you now know he was intending on leaving you. He will have to contribute to the mortgage, if you are married and have young kids it’s often the case you stay in the family home until the kids are 18. You have the upper hand here now as you have caught him off guard, he won’t be liking the fact he’s not in control anymore about how this plays out.

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 19:04

He’s lying. He’s lying about the retreat and he’s lying about the counselling.

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 19:05

I suspect he was planning a holiday with another woman.

Acornsoup · 12/07/2023 19:19

I've never heard of a company putting an ex employee they have terminated into counselling or a retreat ever and I work in a related area. He is so used to lying it's positively poring out of him. He will have to pay maintenance and you may be elegance for universal credit. You can start an application when you are up to it. You may well be entitled to spousal maintenance also. Don't let him take assets. Make sure you have a car etc as no doubt you will be the one looking after the kids. Longer term it will actually be easier for you because you won't have a third child to care for. It will get easier just take each day as it comes. If you are working take some time off. Your employer should understand. Be firm with him and try not to fall for his sob stories DaffodilDaffodil

mimi912 · 12/07/2023 19:21

Sorry @Mumma2Ro if he's told someone you are separating then he must have been leading a double life of sorts. There has to be another woman involved. Men don't get themselves into this sort of mental twist otherwise. He's blindsided you, what a pig he is.

cruisingabout · 12/07/2023 19:21

nobodysdaughternow · 12/07/2023 17:51

He lost me when he told you his problems could be because of you op.

He may well be depressed and I'm sure the work situation was stressful, but it's a low blow to suggest you might be to blame.

I would think he has been fired for misconduct which could well be because of an inappropriate relationship at work.

second this. I was going to suggest the inappropriate relationship at work thing as well but didn't want to be too harsh as I was already suggesting too much of other things.

op if you really want to find out what happened, maybe you should poke about his old work and find out more details about his big 'fall out' with the boss. a bit of a funny timing that he decided to act out straight after the incident at his old job, maybe it's beacuse he thinks that he couldn't hide what he did much longer.

mimi912 · 12/07/2023 19:23

Imagine if you hadn't reached out to the friend on FB! You'd be none the wiser @Mumma2Ro

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