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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he depressed or having an affair!?

214 replies

Mumma2Ro · 10/07/2023 23:36

Things have been different with my husband for a couple of months now.

He has been moody with me- like everything I say annoys him. He has been showing me very little affection, not interested in sex (which is very unlike him!), not saying I love you as much, being short with me on messages. I’m pussy footing around him like a silly girl worried incase I say the wrong thing etc!

we had a deep conversation about a month ago as I was concerned. He said he doesn’t feel himself right now, he doesn’t feel happy and he doesn’t know why. He can’t put his finger on it. He said he doesn’t know if it’s me, us, work, financial worries etc.

he had a huge argument and falling out with some big bosses at work recently- he was suspended etc and has since found another job which he starts soon.

we had a great weekend at a family wedding, things felt normal again! We had a few drinks together, we danced, we kissed, we had sex. We had a laugh! And I felt like I had my husband back.

but come this evening he has switched again saying he isn’t feeling too good mentally today. he has been having weekly teams meetings with a counsellor to help him try and figure things out. He said the counsellor mentioned something about a retreat being something to look into for him!

sorry what…… now I’m confused! Have you ever heard of a retreat for depressed men??

as soon as he mentioned this my thoughts are running away with me. Is he having an affair and using his mental health to cover up the way he is action towards me?? I’m so confused. Am I being paranoid ??

this may sound a bit selfish but I’m getting very upset not knowing where I stand with him. Does he like me today? Am I gonna piss him off today ?

I miss my husband terribly :’( any advice ?

OP posts:
MumGMT · 13/07/2023 01:16

OP, a few have mentioned the thread from a couple of months ago where you were told he cheated on a stag do.

2 months before that you had a thread where it sounds like you were acting very similarly to how he is now.

You said you couldn't remember the last time you were happy, you thought your husband made you unhappy, you said you were irritable, snappy and down, and you had told your husband you were unhappy and he offered to leave, why no mention of any of that?

Acornsoup · 13/07/2023 09:32

How are you this morning OP? Hope you got some sleep. Please don't shoulder all of this yourself you need at least 1 person IRL to confide in and you won't be able to/should not have to, keep it quite forever.

Bookworm20 · 13/07/2023 10:17

Oh goodness OP, I'm so sorry to hear this.

At least you now have an inkling of whats really going on though and you can channel your anger dire ctly at the source. Him.

If you want to find out about the retreat, he says his old employer is paying for it - sorry, but thats bollocks. No company is going to send an ex employee that they have dismissed on a 2k weekend retreat! It just wouldn't happen.

But call them and just say you are just checking details of the retreat and how the bill will be paid as the retreat state it should be paid on arrival, so you are confused. I imagine they will say 'what retreat?'.

I very much doubt he has actually been in counselling either. That was his way of keeping you hanging on - hes doing what he can bla bla bla. That wednesday you couldn't get hold of him too, bet he wasn't at darts.

What a complete and utter pig. And yes, I think the whole telling his work collegue you were seperating absolutely confirms theres another woman. Shame he forgot to mention that small fact about seperating to you!

You could ask this ex collegue why he got dismissed. I'm so sorry, but I think you need to start to prepare yourself for a whole heap of shit coming to light very soon. Just look after you and your dear little children and tell him to stay the hell away.

And please read 'the script'. he's already halfway through it and you'll get an idea of what's coming next. My guess is him threatening suicide and then rewriting your entire history.

youlied · 13/07/2023 11:02

Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 12:37

Okay I’m not having these stupid comments about the dog and him dog walking! The puppy is 4 months old and has a 20 minute walk in the evenings

When my Ex was cheating he started taking the dog out for walks to call her. At the time I paid his phonebill and looked up the bill to see calls to her at the times he was out with the dog.

HopefulP · 13/07/2023 11:35

Sorry but fire an apple air tag in the pocket behind his drivers seat and you can see where he is driving too, or when he's in a shower pop in his location on his phone so you can view it to see where he is, he doesn't get any notifications that you looking at his location.

Ps- not crazy, used to be crazy girlfriend when younger 🤣🤣🤣

mimi912 · 13/07/2023 11:51

youlied · 13/07/2023 11:02

When my Ex was cheating he started taking the dog out for walks to call her. At the time I paid his phonebill and looked up the bill to see calls to her at the times he was out with the dog.

Show quote history

Yes, people sometimes think it's bizarre to mention dog walks within the context of possible cheating. I used to think that they meant that cheaters were meeting up in fields etc. I'm sure that does happen every so often but basically how I understand it now is that the dog walk is the perfect opportunity to get out of the house to use the phone.

BlastedPimples · 13/07/2023 12:26

My ex went out for three hour dog walks when he was fucking someone else.

Morewineplease10 · 13/07/2023 12:59

My ex 'nipped to the co-op' a lot when he was having his affair. No dog - other than her.
Any excuse will do!
Sending strength op. It's a dire time. Please get some real life support.

debbs77 · 14/07/2023 19:57

How are you doing today OP?

scoobysnaxx · 17/07/2023 09:22

@Mumma2Ro hope you're okay OP..

AutumnalPumpkin · 17/07/2023 13:07

There are many reasons that our partners can start behaving differently. And unfortunately a number of those reasons are in fact mental health issues. Be that your big standard depression, OR underlying mental struggles that have not been previously addressed. Many different issues can crop up later in life, with no rhyme, reason or explanation.. that is until they are explored. My partner is currently suffering. He is VERY emotionally distant at times, as a result of his struggles. It can be very hard to deal with as a family, but it does NOT mean that he is having an affair.
Not everything without explanation means the worst.
Chances are your partner is really struggling, and the therapist knows more of this than you do.
When he says "I don't know" chances are he genuinely does not know. Depression does not always have a reason, things can be absolutely perfect, and people will still suffer from depression.
Good luck to you all x

Coulditreallybe · 17/07/2023 23:27

You sound vulnerable @Mumma2Ro i hope you’re ok x

MumGMT · 18/07/2023 02:08

AutumnalPumpkin · 17/07/2023 13:07

There are many reasons that our partners can start behaving differently. And unfortunately a number of those reasons are in fact mental health issues. Be that your big standard depression, OR underlying mental struggles that have not been previously addressed. Many different issues can crop up later in life, with no rhyme, reason or explanation.. that is until they are explored. My partner is currently suffering. He is VERY emotionally distant at times, as a result of his struggles. It can be very hard to deal with as a family, but it does NOT mean that he is having an affair.
Not everything without explanation means the worst.
Chances are your partner is really struggling, and the therapist knows more of this than you do.
When he says "I don't know" chances are he genuinely does not know. Depression does not always have a reason, things can be absolutely perfect, and people will still suffer from depression.
Good luck to you all x

The OP had a thread from March where it was her who was feeling this way.

She said Yes I am able to talk to him, but he doesn't understand. He asks why i am unhappy and what he can do to help, he asks what I need etc but I can't give him these answers as I do not know myself

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