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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he depressed or having an affair!?

214 replies

Mumma2Ro · 10/07/2023 23:36

Things have been different with my husband for a couple of months now.

He has been moody with me- like everything I say annoys him. He has been showing me very little affection, not interested in sex (which is very unlike him!), not saying I love you as much, being short with me on messages. I’m pussy footing around him like a silly girl worried incase I say the wrong thing etc!

we had a deep conversation about a month ago as I was concerned. He said he doesn’t feel himself right now, he doesn’t feel happy and he doesn’t know why. He can’t put his finger on it. He said he doesn’t know if it’s me, us, work, financial worries etc.

he had a huge argument and falling out with some big bosses at work recently- he was suspended etc and has since found another job which he starts soon.

we had a great weekend at a family wedding, things felt normal again! We had a few drinks together, we danced, we kissed, we had sex. We had a laugh! And I felt like I had my husband back.

but come this evening he has switched again saying he isn’t feeling too good mentally today. he has been having weekly teams meetings with a counsellor to help him try and figure things out. He said the counsellor mentioned something about a retreat being something to look into for him!

sorry what…… now I’m confused! Have you ever heard of a retreat for depressed men??

as soon as he mentioned this my thoughts are running away with me. Is he having an affair and using his mental health to cover up the way he is action towards me?? I’m so confused. Am I being paranoid ??

this may sound a bit selfish but I’m getting very upset not knowing where I stand with him. Does he like me today? Am I gonna piss him off today ?

I miss my husband terribly :’( any advice ?

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 12/07/2023 19:23

Put your energy into looking after you and the kids.

Don't waste another minute of your time on someone who tried to blame you for his mistakes.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 12/07/2023 19:27

the counselling service he has been having has been provided through his old work and he says that the retreat is paid for by them as part of his employee benefits. He told me he is still eligible for this as he is still within his 4 week notice

He’s lying.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt upthread. I’m sorry, I was wrong.

debbs77 · 12/07/2023 19:42

I'm so sorry. That's really crap

Deathbyfluffy · 12/07/2023 19:46

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 11/07/2023 11:09

My dh played the depression card. Wouldn't take meds. Would however take solace at the pub, the golf course and playing pool. Sadly not able to do school runs, chores, go to the shops or indeed much at all that wasn't about him.
Been an exh for a good few years now. His mh isn't yours to fix, manage or suffer through...

His mental health isn't yours to fix? Did you even read your marriage vows... in sickness and in health?

The attitude towards men's mental health in general is appalling - and even more so on here. He could well be suffering with it, and I hope that other men get more support than you'd give.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 12/07/2023 19:51

Deathbyfluffy · 12/07/2023 19:46

His mental health isn't yours to fix? Did you even read your marriage vows... in sickness and in health?

The attitude towards men's mental health in general is appalling - and even more so on here. He could well be suffering with it, and I hope that other men get more support than you'd give.

Show quote history

Come on, @Deathbyfluffy - it isn’t the OP’s to fix?

It’s his to fix, and hers to support.

He’s also mean to ‘love and honour’ her - remember?

It’s a two-way street.

MumGMT · 12/07/2023 19:52

Deathbyfluffy · 12/07/2023 19:46

His mental health isn't yours to fix? Did you even read your marriage vows... in sickness and in health?

The attitude towards men's mental health in general is appalling - and even more so on here. He could well be suffering with it, and I hope that other men get more support than you'd give.

Show quote history

This is really not true. It's the opposite.
When a man says he's depressed people listen, people care, people bend over backwards taking them seriously.
Maybe the attitude on a forum can be harsh but in real life it's totally different.

But when it's a woman she's expected to just get on with things. She certainly wouldn't be waved off on a retreat.

Whenever I hear about a woman going missing (and no foul play is expected) I always assume she's been crying out for help/support/a break for a long time and was ignored, because that's been my experience and that of several women I know.

MumGMT · 12/07/2023 19:53

*suspected

BlastedPimples · 12/07/2023 19:54

Nobody but nobody can 'fix' anyone else.

This bloke has led the op on a merry dance.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 12/07/2023 19:57

@Deathbyfluffy don't think this is a mental health issue, if he had felt that bad he would have gone to gp for medication.

isthismylifenow · 12/07/2023 19:57

Just the fact he says he can get a place in a retreat with 3 days notice is a huge red flag on its own.

The rest are a parade I am afraid.

It's hard to see these things from the inside of a situation OP. From what you said in your posts, has made things clearer to posters as we are outside of your situation.

Do not let him talk you around this time. He's planned a jolly away for the weekend. Now you know this you can make sure he doesn't have any access to your funds, and you are a step ahead.

I am sorry about the update. It is shit. But you will find a way forward without him. And you won't be walking on egg shells anymore.

Acornsoup · 12/07/2023 19:57

@Deathbyfluffy do you really think she just didn't listen? Have you read her posts. She has been nothing BUT be concerned and supportive of him. The rest of us don't have to be, he's not our DH. And he is sadly not that original, he's doing something we see over and over again- that's why it's called the script.

Susieb2023 · 12/07/2023 20:08

Deathbyfluffy · 12/07/2023 19:46

His mental health isn't yours to fix? Did you even read your marriage vows... in sickness and in health?

The attitude towards men's mental health in general is appalling - and even more so on here. He could well be suffering with it, and I hope that other men get more support than you'd give.

Show quote history

RTFT

Honestly, the man is a walking red flag!

Isthisexpected · 12/07/2023 20:20

You don't need proof of anything OP. He's told someone you're separated. Clearly there is someone else and they're test driving their relationship this weekend at the "retreat".

Isthisexpected · 12/07/2023 20:21

Shapemyeyebrows · 12/07/2023 10:34

Just seen this is also the man where you had a message from someone saying he had slept with someone on a stag do. Maybe guilt about that perhaps?

Oh no it's not the same man is it? That was awful. The OP on that thread believed her obviously lying husband who blamed it all on his mates.

cruisingabout · 12/07/2023 20:25

Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 17:25

I need to find out about this retreat at the weekend. Just to add to my case! How can I do this though, I don’t have an old phone I can hide in his car. Any ideas ??
or do I just tell him I need solid proof of this retreat?

Contact his old work, he said it’s paid by the old work which is very likely a lie, so confirm it by letting people at his old work know that he’s a lier, maybe they’ll tell you more about what he said and did when he worked there.

Shapemyeyebrows · 12/07/2023 20:30

Isthisexpected · 12/07/2023 20:21

Oh no it's not the same man is it? That was awful. The OP on that thread believed her obviously lying husband who blamed it all on his mates.

Show quote history

Yes, same man unfortunately.

superwoman232 · 12/07/2023 21:19

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Mumma2Ro · 12/07/2023 21:33

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superwoman232 · 12/07/2023 21:38

Sorry but you call me names because I give you a reality check? Why do you post at all if your head is deep in the sand? Do you want us to tell you yes it’s fine he’s just sad, and the retreat is paid for by his old employer? That the shocking details from that text didn’t mean anything? That some randomer texted you so much information? wake up and smell the coffee and leave him. Find your self worth and don’t be naive.

Dullardmullard · 12/07/2023 21:39

I’m so sorry he’s done this

Now you know he’s lying and has done all along.

if he’s back and doing the crying shit ignore it and ask matter of factly for him to leave till you sort yourself out.

Acornsoup · 12/07/2023 21:41

superwoman232 · 12/07/2023 21:38

Sorry but you call me names because I give you a reality check? Why do you post at all if your head is deep in the sand? Do you want us to tell you yes it’s fine he’s just sad, and the retreat is paid for by his old employer? That the shocking details from that text didn’t mean anything? That some randomer texted you so much information? wake up and smell the coffee and leave him. Find your self worth and don’t be naive.

Because what she really needs is a reality check from you? Have a care you ghoul.

Tresto · 12/07/2023 22:48

Mental health issue caused by his deceitful manipulative behaviour.

Living a lie for months/years and deceiving your loved ones could cause you to have a mental health problem.

Sorry op.

highdaysandholudays · 12/07/2023 23:14

I don't know you or your husband. If you'd written this 8 years ago my answer would have been very different. But when you're in the midst of this situation which is pretty much the same kind of scenario for every man who is desperately trying to have his cake and eat it. Then you see the world very differently. You're in dangerous territory here OP. You are constantly having your husband's "depression" becoming your problem and he will drag you down with him. Protect yourself at all costs. You can't help him if he won't help himself. Look after yourself. At this point it hardly matters if he is having an affair. He is hiding something. A suspension from work is not normal behaviour.

Isthisexpected · 13/07/2023 00:07

Tresto · 12/07/2023 22:48

Mental health issue caused by his deceitful manipulative behaviour.

Living a lie for months/years and deceiving your loved ones could cause you to have a mental health problem.

Sorry op.

That's what I was thinking about the current headline news too

MsDogLady · 13/07/2023 00:52

@Mumma2Ro, you must be shocked to the core. While you’ve been been so concerned and supportive of your H, he’s been deviously scheming with his hidden agenda.

I commented on one of your previous threads, and sensed infidelity. You detailed H’s sudden withdrawal of his affection and his avoidance of spending time with you. He said he didn’t feel like himself, but you were his only target. He acted normally with the children and friends, and was continuing with his social life and usual activities. Your OP shows how his initial distance eventually escalated to contempt and moodiness with you. He knew he was causing you great distress.

Your update makes clear that he has been leading a double life and abusing you with a huge amount of deception and manipulation. You’d be very unwise to trust his claims regarding the counseling, the retreat, his suspension, and his fidelity.

Don’t give him any more opportunities to manipulate you, @Mumma2Ro. Surely this is the end.