Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Iv fucked it haven’t I?

217 replies

Dancefob · 08/07/2023 17:43

I will start by saying I am a very chilled person. My job requires a ‘calm under pressure’ persona and that is always me. I do have some anxiety but over the years have learned to manage this really well.

Ok so, been with my partner for 11 months. Things are incredible. He is my soulmate absolutely. We have had normal challenges, kids from other relationships, health etc but always worked together to come to a solution. He is an awesome communicator as I think I am, and it’s been refreshing to be with someone, where everything works well without effort.

The other day he made a comment that his family are not keen on me starting to have a bit of involvement with his child. I can see this all angles but I was a little hurt as nothing is rushed and we are sensible etc. but I got over it. It came up again yesterday I stewed on this all day. We had a date night planned (just in the garden) and sadly my anxiety and a few too many drinks before he arrived in the evening meant that when he arrived all smiles and happy for our date , I for some reason, I had a personality transplant 😦😳 honestly, I didn’t know myself. I said some horrible things and I remember him just staring at me. I then flounced off (completely unlike me) he came to see if I was ok and I pushed him away (we are a tactile couple I have never done this before!) he was stunned.

And then he said I was reminding him of his ex wife who alledgely acted in the same way if she didn’t get her own way. This was like a red flag to a bull to me and I again said some awful hurtful things. He stayed the night and left today, it’s all very quiet and he has said how hurt he is and how he doesn’t understand what happened and it’s made him feel quite uneasy about me, he has implied that this might be the real me and I’m only letting it out now we are ‘more comfortable’ with each other.

I have apologised profusely and he has just been his kind and patient self but I can’t help feeling he is now having second thoughts.

PLEASE, how do I fix this?!

OP posts:
Zarataralara · 08/07/2023 17:54

I don’t think you can fix it. You over reacted to a concern over his children by drinking too much and attacking him verbally. To say hurtful things you have to have thought them.
When there are children from previous relationships this sort of thing is going to come up over and over.

DustyLee123 · 08/07/2023 17:54

It’s not up to his family who has involvement with the child. If he wants it, then it should happen. I can see why you are so upset.

GLC789 · 08/07/2023 17:57

Give him time.
All you can do is reassure him you were 'having a wobble'

We all let emotions and Rose wine get the better of us from time to time.

Give him a few days to cool off, while you cool off yourself. Then talk.

If it's meant to be, it will be

Don't beat yourself up too much over it x

GoldDuster · 08/07/2023 17:59

You got drunk and lost your marbles, said some awful hurtful horrible things and pushed him, so I don't think you can fix it necessarily, nor should you try.

If he's a good father he will be rightly having a good hard think whether you're a suitable addition to their lives. Might be a steep learning curve rather than a happy ever after with this one.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2023 18:03

It’s up to him if it’s fixable. Your behaviour sounds pretty bad. His upset won’t be reduced by you blaming anxiety or alcohol, you obviously really hurt him. Why? Why did you blame him for what his family said? Would you rather he hadn’t told you? He presumably thought he was sharing something, as couples do, and you attacked him for it.

If it was the other way around would you be accepting an apology and letting it go or would you feel it wasn’t acceptable and had ruined what you thought you had?

Mumofnarnia · 08/07/2023 18:05

GoldDuster · 08/07/2023 17:59

You got drunk and lost your marbles, said some awful hurtful horrible things and pushed him, so I don't think you can fix it necessarily, nor should you try.

If he's a good father he will be rightly having a good hard think whether you're a suitable addition to their lives. Might be a steep learning curve rather than a happy ever after with this one.

I agree with this. I have children and I certainly would be wary of introducing them to someone who behaved like this with me. I can understand your upset at the comment he made about his family not being keen on you having involvement with his child but I do think your reaction will have made him not want to even bother trying to convince them that you will be of any benefit to his child’s life… or his for that matter.

honeyandfizz · 08/07/2023 18:11

If you were posting on here having been on the receiving end of this behaviour then imagine the responses, you would be told 'when people show you who they are believe them' and LTB. It sounds like you are insecure and the alcohol multiplied that feeling, it will be up to him whether he thinks there is a future. For you you need to look at yourself and why you reacted in the way that you did, you say anxiety but is that a reason for you to behave in such a nasty way to somebody who cares about you? If you do stay together you need to ensure this sort of reaction doesn't happen again.

Darkandstormynite · 08/07/2023 18:11

Do you remember what you said at all?

Might help to work out whether it's fixable and something you can come back from.

billy1966 · 08/07/2023 18:11

OP, I really feel for you because you clearly feel bad.

How much drink did you have to so completely over react and be so unpleasant?

I mean this really kindly, but if this was you writing how he had behaved I would 100% be saying his mask has slipped and this is a huge red flag.

I also would be saying to be very careful about having someone so irritate around your children.

Wine is treacherous for bringing out very bad behaviour.

Give him lots of space and accept that it might well be over for you.

I'm so sorry.

PizzaPastaWine · 08/07/2023 18:13

What did you say?

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 08/07/2023 18:19

This isn’t about you fixing it, it’s pretty fucking hard to fix that kind of behaviour. Give him the time and space to decide what he feels about this and what it means going forward. Don’t push him.

Look at this from the other side.

Your family think you should take some caution with your children and this relationship. You tell him this then he gets drunk and says some awful things. Would you want that man around your children? Would you want to be in a relationship with that man?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 08/07/2023 18:19

If the roles were reversed everyone would be telling you to Leave the Bastard. You went nuts over something quite small, got smashed, said very hurtful things, and then pushed him, which a lot of people would call physical abuse if he did it to you.

There's nothing you can do except apologise profusely, then back off and wait and see if he has any interest in continuing things.

Even if he does want to, you're back at square one. You'll have to reearn his trust all over again, so you've pushed back the whole relationship to the dating stage.

Talia99 · 08/07/2023 18:23

You seem to be accepting verbal abuse and domestic violence (which is absolutely what ‘a push’ is unless I a completely misunderstanding you).

I can’t blame him for being worried. If he had done this to you, I think there would be a chorus of ‘mask slipped’, ‘domestic violence only escalates’ etc.

I’m sorry but I don’t think there is anything you can do to salvage matters.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2023 18:26

Your mask slipped. There's no fixing this.

ladydimitrescu · 08/07/2023 18:26

If I was him I would also think this was the real you and end the relationship. You've apologised, it's up to him if he wants to continue, leave him be for a while. He will contact you when he's ready to.

Cherryblossomed · 08/07/2023 18:26

Jesus what did you say?

Does this happen a lot when you have been drinking?

If I went to Dps and he had been drinking and became verbally abusive I would have left. Not come to see if you were ok.

The whole issue is ridiculous. His family have concerns. But that doesn’t impact anything unless he has concerns. If he has concerns, that’s valid. would be interesting to find out why his family has concerns and why not meeting his kids yet is such an issue for you, you became abusive.

I suspect he has concerns and sounds like he was right

Cherryblossomed · 08/07/2023 18:28

Oh and you did this be ending the relationship if he doesn’t.

and get yourself sorted. It’s beyond selfish to be in a relationship if this is how you act towards a partner.

Landndialamrhf · 08/07/2023 18:30

It’s not up to his family, why is he telling you that but not discussing it or telling you what he thinks and doing what he wants. Why do they have so much power

you got annoyed and he immediately compared you to his ex wife - is that going to be a regular occurrence

You need to figure out why you drank so much that you can’t control yourself or act in a mature or respectful way.
and you say he’s been kind and but you think he’s done with you, but he’s not saying that, as a couple you don’t seem to be able to communicate.

and now he’s suggesting that this is the real you? Is it? Only you know. If it’s not I wouldn’t appreciate someone comparing me to their ex wife and implying that they knew what a bad person I was better than I do.

TheOutlaws · 08/07/2023 18:30

The only thing you can do/say is ‘I behaved unacceptably, and I apologise unreservedly’. The ball is then in his court.

I would also be giving up the booze if I were you.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2023 18:32

You were emotionally and physically violent. If a man treated you like this every single response would be RUN FOR THE HILLS.

Sadly, this is what I would tell your boyfriend. There is something you need serious help with. You didn't just have a bit to much to drink and get weepy. You were vile and physically assaulted him. This should be a massive wake-up call for you. Something in you needs help. I hope you get it.

GrazingSheep · 08/07/2023 18:33

you got annoyed and he immediately compared you to his ex wife - is that going to be a regular occurrence

The op got drunk, said awful things to him, flounced off and pushed him when he went to see if she was ok. Maybe that’s what reminded him of his ex.

Nanna50 · 08/07/2023 18:34

Well if this was the other way round somebody would remind you when they show you who they are, believe them.

You really need to take a look at yourself and wonder why you really acted this way. Is he right was it because you weren’t getting your own way?

Where did those horrible things come from if everything has been so great. You can’t take those words back and we all know that they stick far more than words of endearment.

Can you explain it to yourself, if not how is he going to understand it?

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 08/07/2023 18:35

You're a nasty drunk - let this man go, then work on your alcohol problem.

K8ate · 08/07/2023 18:35

Alcohol is NOT in ANY way an excuse.
He is probably seeing red flags all over this.

if the boot was on the other foot, you would receive absolutely zero sympathy and would be told in no uncertain terms to LTB.

Because you are female, you are getting a very easy ride from the other posters on this thread.

Newbutoldfather · 08/07/2023 18:35

Lots of time and patience is the only way you can fix it.

You have to accept that he will pull back and you will have to re earn his trust. Ultimately, he will need to see you acting very differently in similar situations to see that the real you is not the one he saw yesterday.