Iv fucked it haven’t I?

[Dancefob]

I will start by saying I am a very chilled person. My job requires a ‘calm under pressure’ persona and that is always me. I do have some anxiety but over the years have learned to manage this really well.

Ok so, been with my partner for 11 months. Things are incredible. He is my soulmate absolutely. We have had normal challenges, kids from other relationships, health etc but always worked together to come to a solution. He is an awesome communicator as I think I am, and it’s been refreshing to be with someone, where everything works well without effort.

The other day he made a comment that his family are not keen on me starting to have a bit of involvement with his child. I can see this all angles but I was a little hurt as nothing is rushed and we are sensible etc. but I got over it. It came up again yesterday I stewed on this all day. We had a date night planned (just in the garden) and sadly my anxiety and a few too many drinks before he arrived in the evening meant that when he arrived all smiles and happy for our date , I for some reason, I had a personality transplant 😦😳 honestly, I didn’t know myself. I said some horrible things and I remember him just staring at me. I then flounced off (completely unlike me) he came to see if I was ok and I pushed him away (we are a tactile couple I have never done this before!) he was stunned.

And then he said I was reminding him of his ex wife who alledgely acted in the same way if she didn’t get her own way. This was like a red flag to a bull to me and I again said some awful hurtful things. He stayed the night and left today, it’s all very quiet and he has said how hurt he is and how he doesn’t understand what happened and it’s made him feel quite uneasy about me, he has implied that this might be the real me and I’m only letting it out now we are ‘more comfortable’ with each other.

I have apologised profusely and he has just been his kind and patient self but I can’t help feeling he is now having second thoughts.

PLEASE, how do I fix this?!

Well unless she gives further detail about his abuse or her downtroddenness from her boyfriend of 11 months all we can do is go on her posts.

Well unless she gives further detail about his abuse or her downtroddenness from her boyfriend of 11 months all we can do is go on her posts.

Yes, which only outlined in any specific detail her saying some fairly tame stuff in an argument, and him having a massive reaction. This does not point in any conclusive way to her being the abusive one.

Totally agree. Some of the judgey comments on here have been disgraceful

This ^^

Saying some things that make you look like a dick when you're a bit sloshed does not make that person an abuser. Calling someone an abuser when they're not is actually pretty abusive!

Totally agree x

OP,

You really need some counselling.

You have clearly made the decision to prostrate yourself in front of him.

You have a lot to make up for? 🤢🤮

He either accepts your apology or not.

Him making you feel you have a lot to make up for sounds highly manipulative.

Your desperation for him is palpable and makes you hugely vulnerable to being treated poorly.

You have a child that really needs to be your priority, not being "accepted" by some great man and his enmeshed family.

Please be wary and mind yourself.

This ^

Completely agree with billy1966.

Trying to be perfect so you don't upset him or his family is going to just result in more problems. The stress of walking on eggshells all the time is going to make for a horrible atmosphere. Your child is definitely going to pick up on that.

I have a lot to make up for.

No, you don't.
He forgives you or he doesn't.

He can't hold this over you and make you treat on eggshells and be scared to ever challenge anything his family says - you just have to do it properly next time and not let it fester until you've had a drink and lowered your inhibitions.

Stop beating yourself up and do not listen to ‘the perfect people’ on here saying you’re an abuser because of one drunken incident.

I think you probably had very valid reasons to feel disgruntled, but unfortunately as we all know expressing yourself in a drunken state loses you all credibility in an instant.

I hope for the relationship’s sake he doesn’t hold this against you, and I hope for your sake you don’t suppress your opinions (but obviously never when you’ve had one too many!!).

Some of this, but not all of it, this poster is trying make out the guy was at fault for the OP getting drunk and behaving like spoiled brat.

does he need to accept the apology, yes,
the other comments are just this poster trying to make it look like the guy as at fault just for being male

During our long relationship DP and I have both found ourselves in this sort of situation, and on both sides. Normally after having too many bottles of wine one side will react to some perceived feelings of being aggrieved and will say things that they regret afterwards.

The challenge is in dealing with the consequences. Normally apologising and trying to talk through what was the trigger and why there was such a reaction. Typically the result is that there had been a lack of communication about some issue that had led to some resentment building up on one side, coming out in some OTT comments after a drink. A good discussion between us (without alcohol) will always clear the air and the relationship remains sound.

Following our experience OP, it looks like you were understandably unhappy with what you heard about his relatives’ comments but didn’t discuss it with him at the time. You maybe had a buildup of emotion and it came out in a bad way after drinking. This really should not signal the end of your relationship and I hope that you can talk things through honestly and each see what happened from the others perspective.

Good luck!

No one needs to accept an apology.

I'm not saying he won't but no one needs to.

Good luck OP.

Your relationship could emerge stronger for this as you have owned your behaviour and reflected on it and hopefully your DP has reflected on how he communicated his family’s opinions and feelings to you.

The answers here only reflect what you are able to share and perhaps it is worth discussing the full details with a close friend or counsellor for support.