Iv fucked it haven’t I?

[Dancefob]

I will start by saying I am a very chilled person. My job requires a ‘calm under pressure’ persona and that is always me. I do have some anxiety but over the years have learned to manage this really well.

Ok so, been with my partner for 11 months. Things are incredible. He is my soulmate absolutely. We have had normal challenges, kids from other relationships, health etc but always worked together to come to a solution. He is an awesome communicator as I think I am, and it’s been refreshing to be with someone, where everything works well without effort.

The other day he made a comment that his family are not keen on me starting to have a bit of involvement with his child. I can see this all angles but I was a little hurt as nothing is rushed and we are sensible etc. but I got over it. It came up again yesterday I stewed on this all day. We had a date night planned (just in the garden) and sadly my anxiety and a few too many drinks before he arrived in the evening meant that when he arrived all smiles and happy for our date , I for some reason, I had a personality transplant 😦😳 honestly, I didn’t know myself. I said some horrible things and I remember him just staring at me. I then flounced off (completely unlike me) he came to see if I was ok and I pushed him away (we are a tactile couple I have never done this before!) he was stunned.

And then he said I was reminding him of his ex wife who alledgely acted in the same way if she didn’t get her own way. This was like a red flag to a bull to me and I again said some awful hurtful things. He stayed the night and left today, it’s all very quiet and he has said how hurt he is and how he doesn’t understand what happened and it’s made him feel quite uneasy about me, he has implied that this might be the real me and I’m only letting it out now we are ‘more comfortable’ with each other.

I have apologised profusely and he has just been his kind and patient self but I can’t help feeling he is now having second thoughts.

PLEASE, how do I fix this?!

Firstly, from my point of view this about you, not him. Whether the two of you stay together or not, you are the one posting and asking for help.

I have never lost my shit like this before alcohol or not

If that is really true. If your best friends and your family (and your ex) would all back you up on that and say that this was totally out of the blue... then, ok, this is not a pattern so there was a trigger.

You say you were stewing over the comments all day. Who made the comments? What were the comments? What were the thoughts going through your head when you were stewing? Whether you want to share these details on MN or not, you do need to work out why you flipped out in a way you belive you've never done before. You've never been in this situation before either, so what is it about this situation that caused you to lose control? No matter what the future for this relationship, you really do need to work this out for your own sake. You are not a bad person.

I think you should reassure him
You're not going to drink that much regularly again

Respect his need for space.

You have apologised sincerely.

Enough now.

You behaved poorly and have embarrassed yourself, apologised profusely, but no one died.

Do not humiliate yourself by begging for forgiveness.

It will not change the outcome and may ruin any possible future dynamic.

People behave badly and sometimes people forgive and move on.

If he can do that, great.

But if not, accept it with dignity and don't hound him.

I'm really sorry, I can only imagine how upset you are.

Put the phone down and give him space.

Accept tomorrows arrangements may be off as he wants space.

He doesn't sound very tactful, telling the OP that his family aren't keen on her getting involved with his children and then comparing her to his ex-wife. I don't condone the drinking and outbursts by the OP but what he's said didn't exactly calm the situation, he'd have been better to keep his mouth shut and not inflame the situation even more.

All you can do is have a calm conversation and hope he can see you as more than just one (ill-advised) drunken outburst. If not, then lesson learned, keep your drinking to a minimum if it does that to you.

OP with a situation like this, remember we are all, every last one of us, human beings who make mistakes, act stupidly, say things wrong and cock up. It doesn't make you a bad person, in fact your self-awareness on here and your willingness to see your behaviour as it is, is touching. Some people may have tried to excuse themselves, but you're clearly aren't in that camp.

Even if things don't go further with your Bf, honestly it really isn't the end of the world, you didn't assault him, you said some daft things fuelled by alcohol (that's why it's called the Demon Drink, it changes normal behaviour).

Have some time away from the situation, lick your wounds, and then bounce back strongly. Don't beat yourself up, and remember you're more than this one single isolated event, you're a complete person !

It’s not his fault the OP overreacted and got leathered instead of being a grownup. Imagine the genders were reversed? You wouldn’t say it was a lack of tact, you’d be saying it’s abusive and LTB.

Let him come to you ( if he wants).
You’ve apologised for behaving badly. Don’t compound the drama by chasing him down and talking too much. Let him process what he has, think about what got you to that point ( too much alcohol, his separation of you and the rest of his life, something else) and if he’s prepared to keep going.
If he sees a future he’ll be back. You don’t want someone who’s been talked into staying and leaves anyway a few years from now.

I don't disagree the OP was out of order verbally. Not blaming DP for that.

But I wonder what was actually said by the family that was so upsetting and why he repeated it? Did they give personal reasons for not thinking you were suitable to meet the kids? That is pertinent to me.

If they said something hurtful and unfounded, which he repeated and is now comparing her to ex wife then I'm not sure she wasn't provoked. I can see OP rightly accepts she was in the wrong for her reaction but I don't know if this came out of nowhere or was an overreaction to a genuine slight.

Obviously the drinking was not the way to handle it and that is also key.

But OP. You've apologised profusely. I would now give him space. You don't need to grovel any more. Reflect on whether his family were hurtful and if so, I'm not saying restart the argument but don't in future disregard your own feelings in case he starts comparing you to his ex again. This is in his hands because, whatever his family said, you reacted badly. However, be reflective, consider your and his actual roles in this and why you behaved so badly out of character.

He is an awesome communicator as I think I am

This stood out from your OP. Clearly, there's a gap between how you view your communication skills, and how good they actually are.

Time for some serious self reflection here. What pushed your buttons about his family's comments, and what made you want to punish your "soulmate" (and possibly yourself, in a self-destructive way) for them?

There's no point profusely apologising again and again. That could just feel like pressure on your partner to forgive and forget for your own sake. And no saying "I'm sorry, but I did it because..." which just sounds like rationalising your bad behaviour. Spend that time thinking about why you did what you did instead.

I agree, repeatedly and lengthily apologising could come off as a pressure tactic. You need to respect his right to some space and peace, @Dancefob . The next step is not up to you.

I agree with this.

Honestly op I think he has got a point. This behaviour from you hasn't come from nowhere. Anxiety doesn't make people say hurtful things. Being drunk doesn't make people say hurtful things unless they aren't bery nice to begin with. Why are you lashing out at him? Are you very insecure? Has something happened to you in the past?

Stop drinking altogether.

Stop focusing on keeping this relationship and give him lots of space.

I am genuinely not this type of person

This is where you're going wrong. You ARE this type of person, in part at least. You need to own that and take responsiblity for it. Work with a therapist to shine some light into all the murky corners. Get to know and make peace with all parts of yourself and your history. Then you'll be much less likely to sabotage yourself or ambush others with abusive behaviour.

Do you have a drink problem? Getting sloshed before the start of a "date night" doesn't sound healthy at all.

People show their true self when drunk which is probably what he's worried about - may be he had an ex who became nasty when drunk and that's why you reminded him of her.

I think you may have seen the last of him.

You mention other arguments. What were they about? Is there some residual anger in you from these?

Him tattling about what his family say about you not getting involved with his kids is dodgy negging behaviour imo. Also comparing you wth hs ex.

I am going to go against the grain here. You are calm under pressure so they must have REALLY upset you to provoke such a reaction. My coworker exploded the other day- everyone was surprised but in hindsight people had been calling her the c word and shouting at her daily, being openly disrespectful, sabotaging her and she reached her limit of disrespect that she was prepared to out up with. I suspect the same with you. Did the family chat make it clear they would never accept you? Did your fiance side with the family against you? Were they maybe setting you up as a punching bag and you picked up on it? Had you reached your limit of disrespect that you could put up with? I think it’s super important that you mentioned your earnings and it tells me they think you are less worthy and you were trying to show your worth and that you deserved respect.

OP you shouldn’t have blown up on him. But if you were seeing red flags, whether you recognised that consciously or not, your reaction was probably proportionate to the disrespect you felt. It’s not easy never being good enough and you might have saved yourself years of toxic family drama where precious son and grandchild come first and you will never be fully accepted or measure up.

As an aside, cutting down drinking will reduce the liklihood of this ever happening again. If you feel overwhelmed by emotions, write them down:- your side, his side, an objective view. Take a long walkand see the bigger picture.

Excellent post @Leverageup. There is something deeper going on here.

This won't be a popular post but if you're single with no kids and a higher earner, then I think you should know your worth and stop prostrating yourself at his feet. He and his family are acting like they're doing you a favour by letting you anywhere him and his child. It also sounds like they've all been discussing you behind your back and have judged you as not good enough. He's also compared you to his ex wife which is really out of order and dismissive of your feelings. If his ex wife behaved the same way as you then he is the common denominator. Either his 'type' is angry verbally abusive woman or he is controlling and hurtful to the point where the woman uncharacteristically lapses her temper because she's had enough.

It's difficult to know whether his family have reservations about you because you're a bad drunk and generally not a nice person, or whether you're actually lovely and he just enjoys having you on a string so he can yank it every now and again.

If this is genuinely out of the blue behaviour for you then I'd be curious about why you're so angry and whether it's actually justified. Even though you regret it today. It sounds like he has all the power when in fact he has all the baggage and you're free to walk away if you want.

Again thank you all so much for your comments.

Still nothing but it’s early I suppose.

I still feel really shit but am trying to consider his perspective and give him space. I won’t make contact again until (if) he does.

I absolutely do not have a drink problem, as in I drink occasionally never to excess etc. Friday I opened a bottle of wine while I was making dinner and just kept going with it 😕

He comes from a very tight family, me not so much and my want to be liked and accepted in to the family is huge. It’s a huge part of his life with regular trips and events etc

I have a child (who was not home on Friday) and since being a single parent I suppose I feel like I have to constantly prove myself. Seems a horrible thing to say but I am sensitive to people thinking I can’t manage or cope.

I have read all the replies and taking it all in to consideration. Will update the thread with how this all turns out.

Just can’t see how 11 months of being me can be overlooked for one night of stupidity (more than this, but you know what I mean)

In vino veritas springs to mind and also the lady doth protest too much.
I think you’re confusing your professional capability and being chilled at work with being an over sensitive single dm.
You said those things because you felt lesser.
Drinking is never an excuse. I once drank too much gin on an empty stomach and spouted some dreadful embarrassing joke. The drink made it happen but it was still my fault for drinking so much.

It sounds like he has all the power when in fact he has all the baggage and you're free to walk away if you want.

Yes, do not continually abase yourself to keep a man. Never turns out well.

These type of families can be very toxic to outsiders, remember your own worth.

@OhForFucksFuckingSake
Great post.
Agreed with every word.
@Dancefob

Just can’t see how 11 months of being me can be overlooked for one night of stupidity (more than this, but you know what I mean)
^^^
Well exactly.
You have a lot to offer and I'm sure you are knocking it out the park with a single parent (I've been there too).
If he's going ti fall at the first hurdle he's not for you.
And I think you're coming round to this train of thought.
I think anyone would be upset by what his family said
My now dh probably wouldn't have told me if they had said anything like that. But he would have a few choice words for his family ( F* 'em)

A "very tight family" might seem like a lovely thing to you when you've not had one yourself. But agree with pp it can be very toxic and if he's enmeshed in one, that is not going to make life easy for you or your child.

@Londisc yes, enmeshed is the term I was thinking of.

Agree. You'll always be outsiders and constantly trying to prove yourself. You'll be so exhausted by doing this, that you'll not have the bandwidth to stop and consider whether they're actually good enough for you and your child.

I'm interested to know how he thought you'd react, or what he thinks would be a reasonable reaction to his telling you that his family have discussed it and don't think you're good enough to be introduced to his child? Were you supposed to thank him for his 'honesty' and double your efforts to 'try harder'?

I'm surprised that he's surprised you got angry and hurt. Does he generally have low emotional intelligence?