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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Iv fucked it haven’t I?

217 replies

Dancefob · 08/07/2023 17:43

I will start by saying I am a very chilled person. My job requires a ‘calm under pressure’ persona and that is always me. I do have some anxiety but over the years have learned to manage this really well.

Ok so, been with my partner for 11 months. Things are incredible. He is my soulmate absolutely. We have had normal challenges, kids from other relationships, health etc but always worked together to come to a solution. He is an awesome communicator as I think I am, and it’s been refreshing to be with someone, where everything works well without effort.

The other day he made a comment that his family are not keen on me starting to have a bit of involvement with his child. I can see this all angles but I was a little hurt as nothing is rushed and we are sensible etc. but I got over it. It came up again yesterday I stewed on this all day. We had a date night planned (just in the garden) and sadly my anxiety and a few too many drinks before he arrived in the evening meant that when he arrived all smiles and happy for our date , I for some reason, I had a personality transplant 😦😳 honestly, I didn’t know myself. I said some horrible things and I remember him just staring at me. I then flounced off (completely unlike me) he came to see if I was ok and I pushed him away (we are a tactile couple I have never done this before!) he was stunned.

And then he said I was reminding him of his ex wife who alledgely acted in the same way if she didn’t get her own way. This was like a red flag to a bull to me and I again said some awful hurtful things. He stayed the night and left today, it’s all very quiet and he has said how hurt he is and how he doesn’t understand what happened and it’s made him feel quite uneasy about me, he has implied that this might be the real me and I’m only letting it out now we are ‘more comfortable’ with each other.

I have apologised profusely and he has just been his kind and patient self but I can’t help feeling he is now having second thoughts.

PLEASE, how do I fix this?!

OP posts:
Hardly123 · 10/07/2023 01:52

I think if the relationship continues you will be starting from 0 again. That will potentially be quite frustrating for you. That's the approach I took with a partner who had unpredictable behaviour - all major milestones were delayed and we stayed in the dating phase indefinitely.

Flashingtealights · 10/07/2023 03:23

Only you can tell by his responses to you over the next few days, weather you've fucked it up or not.
We've all done things we really regret, I have for sure. You drank too much which was your biggest mistake, it weakens your inhibitions making you more likely to be over reactive.
He sounds close to his family so will no doubt be discussing what's happened and they will no doubt be doubling down on their view of not having you in his children's lives at this point, and I think he will end up agreeing with them.
Generally people with kids will (if they are decent parents) put their kids first. If I was in his position I'd be stepping back. I'd be worried that as he said, now you are comfortable with him, the real you may be coming out.
He may give you another chance, if he does I'd make damn sure I didn't drink any more alcohol, because he sure as shit won't give you a second chance .

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 08:20

I think it's quite bizarre that people are acting like you are some kind of unruly danger to his children that can never be trusted again because you lost your temper and argued with your partner. That's a pretty normal thing most people will do at some point. Perhaps it came as a shock to him as it was your first proper fight, but I really think people are being a bit precious about it from the evidence you've actually given.

Original poster
Dancefob · 10/07/2023 11:19

Just wanted to update:

we spoke at length yesterday and in a nutshell we are still here but it has set us back a bit and made him think about a few things which I totally understand. I have a lot to make up for.

I am not an abuser, I hate myself for what I said and how I acted and it truly will never happen again.

I think being strong and independent for a few years with my child just us, has made me defensive in a lot of ways and the feeling of not being good enough is strong and came out in all the wrong ways.

Thank you all for your comments. I hope that no one ever fucks up like I did that night. Or makes anyone else feel the way I made my DP feel. Alcohol or not.

OP posts:
BlondeFool · 10/07/2023 11:21

Dancefob · 10/07/2023 11:19

Just wanted to update:

we spoke at length yesterday and in a nutshell we are still here but it has set us back a bit and made him think about a few things which I totally understand. I have a lot to make up for.

I am not an abuser, I hate myself for what I said and how I acted and it truly will never happen again.

I think being strong and independent for a few years with my child just us, has made me defensive in a lot of ways and the feeling of not being good enough is strong and came out in all the wrong ways.

Thank you all for your comments. I hope that no one ever fucks up like I did that night. Or makes anyone else feel the way I made my DP feel. Alcohol or not.

I hope it works out for you. Some of the posts have been insane. It was a drunken row and you have completely owned your behaviour.

workshy46 · 10/07/2023 11:54

Yes I agree, some of the responses have been OTT. I hope it works out for you

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 10/07/2023 12:07

It's important to remember though that no one thinks of her/himself as an abuser, and nearly all abusive partners feel guilty/mortified/ashamed after an incident and determined it will never happen again. However, the best guide to future behaviour is past behaviour. I am shocked at the number of people minimising this as a "drunken row" when in fact it was all one-sided, or accusing anyone with a more critical view as a "perfect saint".

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 12:10

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 10/07/2023 12:07

It's important to remember though that no one thinks of her/himself as an abuser, and nearly all abusive partners feel guilty/mortified/ashamed after an incident and determined it will never happen again. However, the best guide to future behaviour is past behaviour. I am shocked at the number of people minimising this as a "drunken row" when in fact it was all one-sided, or accusing anyone with a more critical view as a "perfect saint".

Why is it shocking? What has OP actually said that sounds like she said/did something awful, other than just saying it was awful (which is subjective)? From what she's actually described - it was just a drunken row.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 10/07/2023 12:16

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 12:10

Why is it shocking? What has OP actually said that sounds like she said/did something awful, other than just saying it was awful (which is subjective)? From what she's actually described - it was just a drunken row.

Show quote history

If you can't see it i can't help you 🤷‍♀️. Your private life must be very different from mine.

TheCheeseTray · 10/07/2023 12:18

GoldDuster · 08/07/2023 17:59

You got drunk and lost your marbles, said some awful hurtful horrible things and pushed him, so I don't think you can fix it necessarily, nor should you try.

If he's a good father he will be rightly having a good hard think whether you're a suitable addition to their lives. Might be a steep learning curve rather than a happy ever after with this one.

This.

stay off the drink, communicate effectively

notacooldad · 10/07/2023 12:28

To be honest, if I were him, I wouldn’t want you back. I would think you have created o drama that I could do without. Which, to be fair, you have.

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 12:47

@MostlyBlueberryFlavoured what a cop out.

I've just read it back and as far as I can see the only particularly specific thing OP has actually explained she said or did was this:

"I told him I felt hurt, made a few silly comments about their family group chat and then made comments about my own achievements (I am a higher earner than him) along the lines off, what are they worried about I earn loads it’s not like I want your money etc - I’m dying recalling all of this tbh"

Which yes, just sounds like a drunken argument. So please explain to me how it is so clear that what she did was abusive and appalling that I'm "beyond help" for not getting it?

I'm not the only one that has pointed out that the comments here are OTT.

Ohno778 · 10/07/2023 12:47

Op
I can understand why you felt how you did . You can only apologise for what happened . Why are his family so involved ? Why should they have so much of a say? Do you want this relationship?

OrbandSpectacle · 10/07/2023 13:14

You do not have a lot to make up for. Apologies have been made and accepted. Do not let him use this to lord it over you.

OrbandSpectacle · 10/07/2023 13:17

Why are his family so involved ? Why should they have so much of a say?

It is odd and worrying isn't it.

CattyCattle · 10/07/2023 13:19

OrbandSpectacle · 10/07/2023 13:17

Why are his family so involved ? Why should they have so much of a say?

It is odd and worrying isn't it.

Weird isn't it. I feel like the OP is going to be making this up and living the part of the awful one for the entirety of the relationship.

TammyJones · 10/07/2023 13:21

@aSofaNearYou
Agree it was just silly drunken argument.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 10/07/2023 13:21

OrbandSpectacle · 10/07/2023 13:17

Why are his family so involved ? Why should they have so much of a say?

It is odd and worrying isn't it.

Terrible to think that families care about and support each other, let alone have a view on important topics that affect family members! What is society coming to?!? wrings hands

Ohno778 · 10/07/2023 13:25

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 10/07/2023 13:21

Terrible to think that families care about and support each other, let alone have a view on important topics that affect family members! What is society coming to?!? wrings hands

Show quote history

I wonder why he said it to OP, if he had concerns he could say them on behalf of himself .His family can have an opinion but it seems a bit controlling to me . Unless he has form for doing stupid things? I wonder if the ex wife has said something too.

TammyJones · 10/07/2023 13:25

@OrbandSpectacle

You do not have a lot to make up for. Apologies have been made and accepted. Do not let him use this to lord it over you.
^^^
That's what I picked up on.
Regardless of the drunken argument - he still discussed their relationship with 'mummy and daddy' and he still bought his ex into this.
That's needs addressing (as it will come up again )

Ohno778 · 10/07/2023 13:26

TammyJones · 10/07/2023 13:25

@OrbandSpectacle

You do not have a lot to make up for. Apologies have been made and accepted. Do not let him use this to lord it over you.
^^^
That's what I picked up on.
Regardless of the drunken argument - he still discussed their relationship with 'mummy and daddy' and he still bought his ex into this.
That's needs addressing (as it will come up again )

I’d run if I was OP.

yousexybugger · 10/07/2023 13:36

TammyJones · 10/07/2023 13:25

@OrbandSpectacle

You do not have a lot to make up for. Apologies have been made and accepted. Do not let him use this to lord it over you.
^^^
That's what I picked up on.
Regardless of the drunken argument - he still discussed their relationship with 'mummy and daddy' and he still bought his ex into this.
That's needs addressing (as it will come up again )

I agree with this. I accept you haven't wanted to go into what was said on his familys side but don't overlook your own concerns here or feel you have to walk on eggshells in case he compares you to his ex again.

Superdupes · 10/07/2023 14:58

I think he had a big hand in all this OP even if you did completely unravel over it.

I think the big problem here is that he played messenger between his family and you - and that is just not a good thing to do if you want people to get on well.

It was not his place to report back to you any negative things his family say. He should have either owned the opinions as his own or if he didn't agree with them, then he should have told his family that and not mentioned them to you at all.

If he's not aware then I think you need to tell him this:
He comes from a very tight family, me not so much and my want to be liked and accepted in to the family is huge. It’s a huge part of his life with regular trips and events etc

Don't let him hold this over you forever more though OP, it might take a bit of time for him to make sure that's not the real you but if you're going to stay together then you need to move on from it. I also think you need to not drink anymore.

Thearseyone · 10/07/2023 15:05

Surprised at the folks trying to blame him. Or maybe not. If the genders were reversed no one would say it’s the woman’s fault.

what he said and told you was perfectly reasonable. And valid. And fine. And you proved his families point.

im not sure you’ve owned it, the whole it wasn’t me stuff. It’s kind of the abusers line. I think he is staying in, but only time will tell if you do do it again and it is the real you.

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 16:29

Thearseyone · 10/07/2023 15:05

Surprised at the folks trying to blame him. Or maybe not. If the genders were reversed no one would say it’s the woman’s fault.

what he said and told you was perfectly reasonable. And valid. And fine. And you proved his families point.

im not sure you’ve owned it, the whole it wasn’t me stuff. It’s kind of the abusers line. I think he is staying in, but only time will tell if you do do it again and it is the real you.

Personally, whether a man or woman, I would consider his reaction concerning IF it was disproportionate. Which, from the limited information OP has provided, it could be.

I'm not just going to blindly wade in and agree with everyone that yes, you must feel terrible and continuously grovel to try and prove yourself worthy of him, when from this evidence alone this could just easily be him doing a number on her and convincing her that's the case. People like that are common and often quite abusive, and the comparing to his ex is a red flag for this behaviour to me, too.

There's not a lot of evidence here, mainly OP saying she feels horrible, said horrible things, had a personality transplant etc. All of these things are subjective and could easily be the words of someone downtrodden and self deprecating. I think it's quite dangerous how much people have taken it at face value as definitely factual.