Iv fucked it haven’t I?

[Dancefob]

I will start by saying I am a very chilled person. My job requires a ‘calm under pressure’ persona and that is always me. I do have some anxiety but over the years have learned to manage this really well.

Ok so, been with my partner for 11 months. Things are incredible. He is my soulmate absolutely. We have had normal challenges, kids from other relationships, health etc but always worked together to come to a solution. He is an awesome communicator as I think I am, and it’s been refreshing to be with someone, where everything works well without effort.

The other day he made a comment that his family are not keen on me starting to have a bit of involvement with his child. I can see this all angles but I was a little hurt as nothing is rushed and we are sensible etc. but I got over it. It came up again yesterday I stewed on this all day. We had a date night planned (just in the garden) and sadly my anxiety and a few too many drinks before he arrived in the evening meant that when he arrived all smiles and happy for our date , I for some reason, I had a personality transplant 😦😳 honestly, I didn’t know myself. I said some horrible things and I remember him just staring at me. I then flounced off (completely unlike me) he came to see if I was ok and I pushed him away (we are a tactile couple I have never done this before!) he was stunned.

And then he said I was reminding him of his ex wife who alledgely acted in the same way if she didn’t get her own way. This was like a red flag to a bull to me and I again said some awful hurtful things. He stayed the night and left today, it’s all very quiet and he has said how hurt he is and how he doesn’t understand what happened and it’s made him feel quite uneasy about me, he has implied that this might be the real me and I’m only letting it out now we are ‘more comfortable’ with each other.

I have apologised profusely and he has just been his kind and patient self but I can’t help feeling he is now having second thoughts.

PLEASE, how do I fix this?!

Mean drunks do not need enabling from "empathetic" people.

But she knows she has. She is asking for a bit of empathy. How many of us have said the wrong thing in the heat of the moment? She has accepted she is in the wrong and I think is trying to make sense of it.
How many of you have said things you aren't proud of?
Said things you wish you hadn't.
She said things to her OH and it has had consequences. That's on the OP to understand and sort it.
Piling on isn't helping.

This.

I don't believe that you have never done this before and it seems both him and his DC have had a lucky escape.

Pile on? Don’t be so dramatic.

The Op got drunk then verbally abused her partner and is asking for advice on how she can fix it.

There hasn’t been a pile on and there’s far more sympathy for her than there would be for a partner if a woman posted ‘I told Dp my family had concerns about meeting my kids. I went round to see him and he wa drunk verbally abused me, started banging on about how he earns more. I tried to comfort him and see if he was ok and he wouldn’t let me near him and then we got into an argument’. People would be telling her to run for hills and whatever his issues are, it’s not her responsibility to put up with it or fix him.

Besides which. You don’t set the rules for MN. If Op didn’t want directness, she wouldn’t have posted. You don’t get to tell people what and how they should post.

And blaming the alcohol isn’t facing what happened or taking responsibility. She wasn’t drunk when she got in a mood and started throwing drinks back before he even arrived.

I think playing it down and saying ‘ah you were a twat but poor you’ as though it’s not a big deal isn’t really helping either, but no one is telling you what to post.

Him and his child have had a lucky escape. You don't behave like that unless it's deep routed.
Leave him be and get some help for your behaviour, it's abusive.

What??

She got drunk, threw some really nasty comments at him, rejected him when he tried to reassure/comfort her and you think he is in the wrong?

Wow.

From your OP it sounds like you were dwelling on the issue and just waiting to let him have it as soon as he arrived. You should have cancelled and met another time when you weren't in a bad mood.

I can see your point. I still think we , Mumsnet, are framing this as horrible woman, how dare she fall back on too much alcohol. Even if she drank too much,she obviously regrets this. That doesn't make her actions okay, far from it. It means she needs help to understand that her actions were not okay. She needs to get better. That is the whole philosophy of recovery.

You've really communicated your hurt badly OP and you know that. You have apologised profusely and perhaps what might be best is to communicate this hurt in another way - perhaps by writing it down.

As for your mask slipping and all of the over the top posts here, yes you haven't covered yourself in glory...what you have shown is that excess alcohol and problems don't mix - you clearly know that now.

The ball is in his court now. I hope you get things sorted.

I can see how this looks horrendous and trust me it completely is. But I am not like this. I have never lost my shit like this before alcohol or not.
we have had a couple of drinks together before and some arguments, nothing like this.

He has been in touch just to say that he is hurt and confused and worried about us and our future. He also sent some positive things his family have said about me. I couldn’t feel any more shit than I do now (unless he does choose to end the relationship) which I am praying he does not.

I am honestly not like this and I feel that one night has fucked up everything.

I will give him space and see what happens.

Off of booze forever

You got drunk
You don't NEED him

Who cares?

Oh dear. I think everyone is entitled to one fuck up (within reason, obviously). Belligerent drunks are horrible though. Maybe lesson learned about drinking too much. I hope he forgives you.

Oh dear

Lots of time and patience is the only way you can fix it.

You have to accept that he will pull back and you will have to re earn his trust. Ultimately, he will need to see you acting very differently in similar situations to see that the real you is not the one he saw yesterday.

This ^
But it's not like you murdered anyone ,give yourself a break .
Hope it works out

Alcohol can be just the worst, especially when you are not used to it.

Years ago in my early 20's we were doing the Greek islands and out drinking.

Late in the evening walking home, pissed, we came across a group of girls trying to restrain and reason with their friend who wanted to kill herself.

She'd been drinking gin cocktails.

Her friends were physically sitting on her to stop her hurting herself.

It was very upsetting and scary and it really frightened us.

We didn't drink shorts and hadn't heard about gin and it driving you mad and being a terrible depressive.

Recently I was reading about wine rage, white wine in particular.

OP, this is awfully upsetting for you.

I hope you can move forward and forgive yourself.

We all make mistakes in this life, it's how we move forward from them that shows our real character.

"When we know better, we do better" has always informed me in my life.

Sounds like his family were right to be cautious about you. Maybe they sensed something about you that you’re not admitting to yourself. No excuses for your behaviour. If you were a man behaving like this to a woman about her children you know the reactions on here would be harsh and rightly so.

Op, I’d honestly tell him what you are telling us. And just apologise, massively.

my mum was an alcoholic. Nasty, damaging. She never apologised. I hate alcoholics. I also hate drunken arguments.

But I think there are miles and miles between my experience of an alcoholic — the upset is relentless, heartless, denied — and what you’re describing.

What you did: Massive red flag, yes; and he’s dead right to size you up. But I think if you humbly and whole heartedly apologise, and say how much he means to you, what an utter dick you were, then he may forgive. Maybe your relationship will move to a better place as a result of this (hopefully one off blip).

Oh and as you’ve said, stay OFF the wine; it isn’t worth it. Good luck. And fwiw, I think you sound like a really kind person who just cocked up. Your anxiety however makes it worse (& caused this). Look into how to help your anxiety a bit, too? Meditation, if you can face it, helps me (fellow anxiety sufferer!)

Are you so perfect? 🙄

Agree 100%.

OP I really need to think you yourself need to understand a bit better why you behaved as you did. Otherwise any apology is a bit pointless. I think you need to get at the root of whatever your insecurity is

I’d probably do nothing. Just leave it alone now as anything further is just digging a larger hole. Let this disappear into a distant memory and I guess, try not to do it again. If you’re convinced the booze was at fault then just be very careful with it going forward. None likes a messy drunk.

Oh dear.

I do recognise the resolve to be calm but the rising tide of unstoppable anger.

I think the best you can do is reflect deeply about what set you off. Are you jealous that he has concerns and commitments around his children? (You wouldn’t be the first, it’s natural for there to be a bit if that). Do you feel insecure about his family talking about you? Are you irrationally jealous that he is forever tied to his ex via kids or that he has kids that are not with YOU?

Alongside these or other possible causes, why is he telling you things his family say that can be taken personally? Why is he letting his family influence your relationship? His decisions wrt his kids?

If you can find out for yourself you will be half way to stopping yourself going off on one again, and also, if you can communicate openly with him, be able to explain to him.

I agree. Don’t beat yourself up - you were hurt by his family’s interference. But definitely dump the booze. Good luck.

Thank you all. He hasn’t messaged since earlier. I replied to him and he hasn’t read it. - quite unlike him but then it’s all up in the air at the moment😩😣 Couldn’t help myself but send another very long apology text just now.

Will have to see what happens next.

We had pre made plans tomorrow afternoon so will see if he messages in the morning.

I can’t believe I have done this. I only have myself to blame

You are brave to post this OP. You know you royally fucked up and became an abusive drunk towards a man who sounds a very decent guy who is rightly trying to protect his kids and himself from further hurt. It sounds like you wouldn’t blame him yourself if he walked away after your behaviour. Sadly you have only proven that his family were right to have concerns so this will take a huge amount to fix.

If you want to salvage this you need to:

1. Give up alcohol as you never want to be in this situation again and this would show a commitment to never do this again. Including bringing up how much you earn in a disagreement. Not cool.
2. Apologise profusely for your behaviour and assure him it will never happen again.
3. Go for counselling to try to understand what happened and why this triggered such rage in you and work with a counsellor to look at healthier ways to express when you are hurt and to manage your anxiety.

Whatever happens you will be a better person for this self-reflection.

You did a bad thing but you are not a bad person. If the relationship is meant to be it will weather this storm. Good luck OP. Big hug.