Iv fucked it haven’t I?

[Dancefob]

I will start by saying I am a very chilled person. My job requires a ‘calm under pressure’ persona and that is always me. I do have some anxiety but over the years have learned to manage this really well.

Ok so, been with my partner for 11 months. Things are incredible. He is my soulmate absolutely. We have had normal challenges, kids from other relationships, health etc but always worked together to come to a solution. He is an awesome communicator as I think I am, and it’s been refreshing to be with someone, where everything works well without effort.

The other day he made a comment that his family are not keen on me starting to have a bit of involvement with his child. I can see this all angles but I was a little hurt as nothing is rushed and we are sensible etc. but I got over it. It came up again yesterday I stewed on this all day. We had a date night planned (just in the garden) and sadly my anxiety and a few too many drinks before he arrived in the evening meant that when he arrived all smiles and happy for our date , I for some reason, I had a personality transplant 😦😳 honestly, I didn’t know myself. I said some horrible things and I remember him just staring at me. I then flounced off (completely unlike me) he came to see if I was ok and I pushed him away (we are a tactile couple I have never done this before!) he was stunned.

And then he said I was reminding him of his ex wife who alledgely acted in the same way if she didn’t get her own way. This was like a red flag to a bull to me and I again said some awful hurtful things. He stayed the night and left today, it’s all very quiet and he has said how hurt he is and how he doesn’t understand what happened and it’s made him feel quite uneasy about me, he has implied that this might be the real me and I’m only letting it out now we are ‘more comfortable’ with each other.

I have apologised profusely and he has just been his kind and patient self but I can’t help feeling he is now having second thoughts.

PLEASE, how do I fix this?!

I see the apologists have arrived.

Just can’t see how 11 months of being me can be overlooked for one night of stupidity (more than this, but you know what I mean) that’s what they all say. And they all grovel “it’ll never happen again/don’t lose what we have” it’s the abuser’s script.

Why should anyone here believe you? You were abusive, you were nasty, and you’ve come to a women’s site for justification for being an abuser.

If he has any sense he would run a mile, and his family clearly had you sussed.

OP - you've had an unfair kicking on this thread from self righteous posters who trot out the "mask slipped" "red flag" "when someone shows you who they are ..." staples of this daft board.

You're human, felt understandably upset about his family not wanting you to meet his child (after almost a year?!) and had more to drink than you can cope with.

Forgive yourself and if he's as decent as you believe him to be, he'll forgive you too. If not then he's not worth having because everyone deserves a second chance from someone who loves them.

All the best.

You've been given a really hard time. I think some posters love to jump in and accuse people of being abusive and all the 'this is who you really are' is so unecessary and so unkind.

Yes, you shouldn't have drank so much - something that I'd like to bet at least half the people on here have done.

Yes, you shouldn't have said the things you said, but this was in response to what it sounds like your DP's family making comments about you being somehow inferior. Not sure of the contents of the group chat you referred to, but it doesn't sound nice at all.
Reading between the lines, it seems that you've held your tongue before now and the drink has made it all come spilling out. Again - not great, but we all feel a bit braver with alcohol.

The single parent thing is a HUGE factor too. We tend to feel extremely protective of our status and our ability to provide a good and stable life for our children, because like it or not, there is still a stigma around this. To have our ability and character called into question when we have been busting a gut to do the job of two people really, really stings. You probably mentioned the earnings because it's the only thing you feel you can prove to others that you're worthy.

Overall, I think yes you drank too much, you snapped back and defended yourself in a more reactive way because you were drunk. And your DP fuelled the fire by comparing you to his ex. A dick move that he also needs to apologise for.

Honestly, if I'd read stuff about myself in a family group chat that was derogatory towards me, I think I'd have something to say about it. Drunk or not.

There was no violence, you haven't said whether there was shouting or aggressive behaviour, no insults thrown etc. Give yourself a break.

I hope he accepts your apology and that he apologies to you for his unkind comment x

From your OP, it sounds like your BF has been in an abusive/unhealthy relationship before.
If I were him, with kids, in that situation, I wouldn’t and couldn’t risk that your behaviour was a ‘one off’. Especially as you’ve minimised your actions and blamed the alcohol. I’d be out the door and honestly OP, I hope that’s what your BF does.

I’m always shocked by these threads. How can you say hurtful things to someone you apparently love? I’d just never dream of saying horrible things to my husband. I don’t think he’s your soulmate if you’re treating him like this and it sounds like the relationship is beyond repair.

But he said hurtful things too? He said them first, in fact.

He didn't say anything hurtful he just told her what his family said nothing wrong in that. But poster you also say you've had arguments when drinking before so clearly there's problems with drinking and not thinking clearly. Yes you owned up to your big big mistake but if I had been on the receiving end of what you did you wouldn't see me again

He didn't say anything hurtful he just told her what his family said nothing wrong in that.

I disagree. He was hurtful.

He didn't say anything hurtful he just told her what his family said nothing wrong in that

Would you not be hurt if your partner said to you 'we've all been talking about you behind your back and everyone thinks you're not good enough to meet my child'?

Even if he didn't use those exact words, that's the bottom line of what he was saying. If he loved her he wouldn't have told her that. In fact he would've stood up for her against his family. But he didn't. He ran back to her and said 'my mum and dad say 'no''.

It's no wonder OP got hurt and angry.

How did he say something hurtful first?

are you talking about what his family said? It’s very likely he said because he also wasn’t sure. Not everyone wants their kids involved in their romantic relationships. He said this days before this incident.

You think it’s ok to stew on something you claim to have ‘got over’, get pissed then verbally abuse your partner a few days later and then blame them because you didn’t like what they said says before?

If his family said hurtful things about her, he shouldn't have told her that. That is hurtful in itself. Why tell your partner things that you know are going to upset her? Why let her see the group chat when unkind things have been said about her? He should have protected her from that. Cast majority of people would not respond kindly to that knowledge.

I'm not excusing the behaviour at all, but I can see why she is upset with what it seems were unkind comments and judgements. The response itself is understandable, the level of her response is what's not good and needs addressing. But it sounds like it's mainly alcohol that caused this.

This is not abuse. Jesus. I've been in an extremely abusive relationship and this is nowhere even in the same universe.

No. I do expect people to talk about their relationships with close family. You don’t have a right to tell a partner they can’t discuss or ask their families opinion. You don’t have a right to be involved in every conversation about you.

If a woman posted that she had discussed introducing her kids to a man, with her family, no one would bat an eyelid. In fact people would be telling her to heed their advice and put off introducing them for a while.

Where did the OP say that’s what he said? Maybe the family have reservations about her meeting his child because they feel it’s too soon. And while that’s not something I would agree with after eleven months it’s certainly a sentiment that is expressed enough on here.

This is not abuse. Jesus. I've been in an extremely abusive relationship and this is nowhere even in the same universe.

This shit blows my mind ‘it’s not abuse because it’s not like the abuse I went through’ is the worst take I have read on here for a while.

OP,

Whilst I understand your embarrassment over this, you do channel a certain desperation in your post to be accepted and good enough.

This is not a good position to enter a relationship.

His remark about resembling his wife in such a negative way, was offensive and most women would bristle, likewise his assertion that his close family are doubtful about your suitability 🤔🙄.

It was hugely unfortunate that this was told to you while drinking causing you to react.

But he threw petrol on it with his reference to his Ex.

I absolutely agree with those that flag an enmeshed tight knit family being quite toxic.

Them versus you, as you desperately seek acceptance.

Not a great dynamic, particularly now you know he discusses you and your relationship so openly.

Take this time from him to think yourself about how hard you are chasing him.

Is he really such a prize?
His family likewise?

It reads as a bit suffocating.

I don't think he is the great communicator you think he is.

A bit tackless comes to mind.

I suspect he's had a very toxic relationship before that has resulted in him being hurt. He's understandably attuned to picking up signs of similar behaviour, as are his family. For whatever reason, his family have raised concerns and your behaviour has just confirmed those doubts in his mind.

Much like on here, posters would suggest doing the Freedom program, in his mind he now has boundaries he won't cross for fear of repeating the past.

Your actions, whether justified or unjustified, are actually irrelevant now. In his mind you now present a risk. He will make a decision based on whether he's going to take a risk or not.

Even if he comes back this time, I would say given his family's view, its not looking good long term. He will probably be talking it over with them at the moment if he's very close to them and they'll be watching you like a hawk. I don't think that would be a very healthy situation for you as you'll always be on edge and it will exacerbate your anxiety.

I think you're going to have to let this one go.

If his family said hurtful things about her, he shouldn't have told her that

Exactly.

It's not that he shouldn't talk to his family.

But it's that he shouldn't have gone running to her to tell them what they said - especially when it wasn't favourable.

Leave it for now. Spend your time finding a local AA group or some support for your drinking. Next time you see him you can tell him you realise that you need to cut it out so nothing like that happens again as you are prioritising him and the kids.

Maybe the family have reservations about her meeting his child because they feel it’s too soon

So what if they do? It's his child and his relationship and his decision.

And how did you know they said hurtful things?

and again, don’t say you ‘have got over something’ whilst claiming to be a great communicator and then drag it all up again.

If she was unhappy about exactly what they said or that he told her the information. She could have used the great communication skills and told him that. It didn’t have to be a brag about earning more, and botching about their family chat and whatever else was said.

The OP's reaction kind of proved them right, though.

@Cherryblossomed blows your mind?

I think it's nuts that people can't see grey areas. Saying unkind things in the heat of the moment when you've been provoked is not abuse. It's being human.
If it is abuse then I'm an abuser and I'd guess a lot of people on here too. Unless you are a robot, sometimes you will react in an unfavourable way.
It is completely unrealistic to expect people to NEVER lose their shit.
This does not sound like a nasty, abusive person to me at all.

I've read most but not all of the thread. Some posts are overdoing it about OP's behaviour, and some are overdoing it excusing her & trying to blame her DP.

I think her behaviour was appalling, and her DP should end it. There are no excuses for the frankly bizarre things she said.

It's not abusive or red flag or any of the other wilder comments tho - it's simply childish unacceptable behaviour, and given DC are involved, in both sides, just not worth it.

I can't see why there's an attempt to blame the DP, tho perhaps he was unwise to mention his family's comments.

Spend your time finding a local AA group or some support for your drinking

Oh FFS.

To be fair, none of us know what the previous situation was and how it impacted the kids. There is nothing wrong with family looking out for vulnerable kids if they've already been through a toxic divorce. It's possible the dad has made questionable decisions previously that the OP doesn't know about, so they feel his judgement is off. How many men on here are criticised for not putting their kids first after a breakup and their family enabling them. Maybe his family just refuse to do that and are looking out for the most important people in all this, namely the kids.