Iv fucked it haven’t I?

[Dancefob]

I will start by saying I am a very chilled person. My job requires a ‘calm under pressure’ persona and that is always me. I do have some anxiety but over the years have learned to manage this really well.

Ok so, been with my partner for 11 months. Things are incredible. He is my soulmate absolutely. We have had normal challenges, kids from other relationships, health etc but always worked together to come to a solution. He is an awesome communicator as I think I am, and it’s been refreshing to be with someone, where everything works well without effort.

The other day he made a comment that his family are not keen on me starting to have a bit of involvement with his child. I can see this all angles but I was a little hurt as nothing is rushed and we are sensible etc. but I got over it. It came up again yesterday I stewed on this all day. We had a date night planned (just in the garden) and sadly my anxiety and a few too many drinks before he arrived in the evening meant that when he arrived all smiles and happy for our date , I for some reason, I had a personality transplant 😦😳 honestly, I didn’t know myself. I said some horrible things and I remember him just staring at me. I then flounced off (completely unlike me) he came to see if I was ok and I pushed him away (we are a tactile couple I have never done this before!) he was stunned.

And then he said I was reminding him of his ex wife who alledgely acted in the same way if she didn’t get her own way. This was like a red flag to a bull to me and I again said some awful hurtful things. He stayed the night and left today, it’s all very quiet and he has said how hurt he is and how he doesn’t understand what happened and it’s made him feel quite uneasy about me, he has implied that this might be the real me and I’m only letting it out now we are ‘more comfortable’ with each other.

I have apologised profusely and he has just been his kind and patient self but I can’t help feeling he is now having second thoughts.

PLEASE, how do I fix this?!

Yeah I would say you've fucked it. I wouldn't be able to trust you to respond to anything maturely after this.

He's a mug if he takes you back - it will happen again.

His family have reservations about you mixing with his children and you have proved them right.

I agree.

But, tbf, it took longer than it normally does for someone to twist it and make it his fault!

I agree that, were the situation reversed, you'd have been told his mask had slipped and when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Your mask did slip, OP. And it being after alcohol was considered also suggests you're not able to manage yourself when you've been drinking. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who had behaved like that towards me. It would be instant dismissal.

And, yes, if someone behaved in a similar way to an ex and I hadn't been happy with that behaviour, I would draw also comparisons. I would be worried about history repeating itself and I would consider it a very valid reason to end a relationship. However sad I might feel about coming to that conclusion.

Sorry OP, you have royally fucked it. As nearly all of the other posters have said, if you'd been on the receiving end of this behaviour, every response for sure would be LTB, when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

Do you drink to deal with stress and negative emotions? (That's not me having a pop, I am a long term recovering alcoholic, I used to drink for all the reasons). At minimum it sounds like you should give up booze for a good long while to see if you can manage your emotions better. Have you behaved like this in other relationships?

I don't think you can salvage this, you can (and should) apologise again next week and make clear you know how utterly unacceptable your behaviour was. But there's no quick fix for this, no way to treat this as 'just a blip'. You need to do some work on yourself, and he needs to stay away.

He told you his family have reservations about you becoming more involved with his DC.
If he (perfectly reasonably) discusses your reaction with his family, then he'll listen to them. Your overreaction is all on you. It's most likely over, and he'd be keeping you and his child separate even if the relationship limped on for a while.

Your mask is slipping.

I too would not want you around my child and his family could see what he couldn’t until now.

Be honest. Is this really the first time you've got shitfaced and lashed out at someone after stewing on something?

You can't fix it OP. You need to give him space.

I would give it a week to cool off Then apologise. It’s not too late to undo his new perception of you, but you have to make a conscientious effort to not allow it to happen again. As for the seeing his child, it is quite early on still. Sounds like you’re very eager to settle down quite early on. So definitely some time to calm down and take things abit slower would help the relationship.

I agree with this. The family most likely have a valid reason why they have concerns about op being in contact with his child.

Why did you get drunk before he arrived? That seems a strange thing to do.

thank you all for responding, I really appreciate this.
I will reply a bit more in a sec but just wanted to highlight I didn’t physically push him or touch him just rejected his efforts to comfort/reassure me.

i would also add, I have not drunk alcohol in a while and when I do I drink gin, poured weakly so a bottle of wine is a hell of a lot to me, not sure what motivated me to keep drinking, probably my mood.

I told him I felt hurt, made a few silly comments about their family group chat and then made comments about my own achievements (I am a higher earner than him) along the lines off, what are they worried about I earn loads it’s not like I want your money etc - I’m dying recalling all of this tbh

I am genuinely not this type of person

Do you have a pattern of this? Have people told you in the past you are a mean drunk? Do you have borderline personality disorder tendencies?

Wow!

So you equate his and their concern about the kids to money?

Then started bragging about how you earn more?

I am the higher earner in my relationship. I don’t bring it up in arguments because I don’t think it’s relevant.

You think your earnings are relevant to this relationship and the relationship with his kids. Possibly in all relationships. Your earnings wether more or less than his are entirely irrelevant.

If I was seeing someone who earned more and they did this I would be thinking that their default position was the their earnings made them ‘better’ and they thought me and my family should be grateful he was with me. Instant turn off and a huge red flag.

Drink doesn’t give you a personality transplant l. It lowers you inhibitions. Makes you more likely to say and do things you know you should keep to yourself.

@Dancefob this sounds absolutely mortifying. Try not to beat yourself up any more than you're already doing. All you can do now for damage limitation is to give him space and time. Hopefully he will realise that the behaviour and comments are out of character for you.

I believe that alcohol can change personalities, in a Jekyll and Hyde way.

The thing is though, whether you like it or not, you ARE that person. Your actions have demonstrated it, and feeling remorseful doesn't alter that. You are still making excuses for yourself.

Oh Dear,

You thought they only see pound signs, but it was the personality that they saw through.

Is it possible that you don’t actually know yourself very well, or what your values actually are, or how others perceive you?

Ignore the nasty comments. Just don't let it happen again and give him space. Hope it works out x

He is being massively disrespectful to you. Lots of red flags about his behaviour - very controlling at the least. Time to move on and find someone better. What a creep he is.

I'm always amazed at how many perfect people are on MN. You know the ones. The ones who never lose their rag. Never behave unreasonably and never say things they shouldn't 🙄

😅 is that what you say to all abusers?

Incredible. It’s his fault OP got drunk and verbally abusive, mocking him and his family and slagging off his earnings. Are you saying he asked for it? Would you say that to a woman?

I cannot believe the pile on!
Yes she was a twat, yes she said things that her oh found abusive. That's for them to sort out. She has owned it and apologized. If he doesn't want that, fair enough on him, he's absolutely entitled to draw a line and finish it.
The OP needs a bloody bit of empathy and understanding.
It's not beyond most of us to mess up and then regret it. For fucks sake, she knows she has.
I hope you are okay OP.

The flaw in your desire to upbraid everyone else is that she knows herself that her behaviour was way out of order and that she has jeopardised her relationship.