Iv fucked it haven’t I?

[Dancefob]

I will start by saying I am a very chilled person. My job requires a ‘calm under pressure’ persona and that is always me. I do have some anxiety but over the years have learned to manage this really well.

Ok so, been with my partner for 11 months. Things are incredible. He is my soulmate absolutely. We have had normal challenges, kids from other relationships, health etc but always worked together to come to a solution. He is an awesome communicator as I think I am, and it’s been refreshing to be with someone, where everything works well without effort.

The other day he made a comment that his family are not keen on me starting to have a bit of involvement with his child. I can see this all angles but I was a little hurt as nothing is rushed and we are sensible etc. but I got over it. It came up again yesterday I stewed on this all day. We had a date night planned (just in the garden) and sadly my anxiety and a few too many drinks before he arrived in the evening meant that when he arrived all smiles and happy for our date , I for some reason, I had a personality transplant 😦😳 honestly, I didn’t know myself. I said some horrible things and I remember him just staring at me. I then flounced off (completely unlike me) he came to see if I was ok and I pushed him away (we are a tactile couple I have never done this before!) he was stunned.

And then he said I was reminding him of his ex wife who alledgely acted in the same way if she didn’t get her own way. This was like a red flag to a bull to me and I again said some awful hurtful things. He stayed the night and left today, it’s all very quiet and he has said how hurt he is and how he doesn’t understand what happened and it’s made him feel quite uneasy about me, he has implied that this might be the real me and I’m only letting it out now we are ‘more comfortable’ with each other.

I have apologised profusely and he has just been his kind and patient self but I can’t help feeling he is now having second thoughts.

PLEASE, how do I fix this?!

He just reiterated what his family said. Anyway it sounds like two people saying hurtful things to each other isn’t a good relationship anyway.

She wasn’t provoked. The conversation was a few days before and she said she was over it.

They arranged for him to go round and she drank a bottle of wine before he got there. How did he provoke her? By turning up?

She provoked herself. She chose to start drinking which escalated it, herself. She decided that she was going to say she was over it when she wasn’t. That’s all on her. She could have chose to just cancel him coming round and said she was still upset. Or not drank if she wanted to seriously discuss an issue.

He, after trying to see if she was ok and resolve it, bit back after she started again. If we are talking provocation, The person who was provoked was him.

People argue, we are all dicks sometimes. We all have the potential to say things to hurt when we are hurt. In my view you were hurt and have your own insecurities and so you drank wine which gave you the confidence to hurt back. Alcohol doesn't always 'bring out the truth' it allows us the confidence and justification to do something we know is wrong. It's a fuck up because he has seen your capacity to be mean but it's not indicative of who you are. We all have the capacity to be mean and we all have things that push us to it. He will have his own things too (perhaps surrounding his ex?) You need to work out what it was that triggered you to be horrible (sounds like you have begun this) and you need to communicate that with him when he is ready and he needs to move past it and recognise what it was that hurt you (even if it was unintentional) xxxxxx

You were clearly triggered to behave in the way you did albeit very extremely. Yes, you were in the wrong but there are things in your post that I think are red flags on his behalf.

His parents comments are their opinion. If he had confidence in his opinion it wouldn't be important. Him reporting what they said back to you is very odd and comparing you to his ex was clearly done to try and guilt you.

At 11 months, I feel you should know enough about someone's general character to be able to make a sound judgement yourself. The fact he is clearly unable to says something about him.

This is clearly not the right relationship for either of you and maybe you're as well drawing a line underneath it.

People argue, we are all dicks sometimes. We all have the potential to say things to hurt when we are hurt

True. Anger is a normal human emotion. I bet the saints on this thread aren't so perfect in real life.

@Cherryblossomed ok, fair point, she wasn't provoked at that point, I concede that.

She did choose to say she was over it when she wasn't, but again I'm not sure that's something to berate her massively for. I've certainly done that! Mainly because in my head I'm thinking, dont be silly, you need to get over it, keep the peace etc. But actually you're not and it comes out again later. I do think this is just being human, I really do.

I'm not excusing her actions, but I think there are normal human irrational reasons behind them that I think if we are honest about, most of us are guilty of sometimes.

I still think framing it as abuse is too much.

I can't quite work it out but if you are saying you drank a whole bottle of wine before he got there, that's not normal and you need to work on your drinking.

Maybe if you can tackle that you won't get drunk and horrible but on these threads people always say 'oh i hardly drink normally it's just weak gin, and on this one occasion I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself and it's so out of character.' I suspect you're not being honest with yourself about your drinking.

Because if this is how you carry on I wouldn't let you near my kids either.

You don't have to be perfect to recognise that enabling abuse is wrong.

Abusive behaviour is abusive behaviour. Get drunk and verbally abusive, is abusive behaviour. It may be the only time yeh Op ever does it. But that doesn’t make the behaviour not abusive. It’s verbal abuse.

Op labels herself a great communicator.

I agree we all have said we are ok with something that we aren’t. But to say the communication is so great but do this, is odd.

But that’s not the point. You don’t get to pretend you are over it, then get drunk, drag it all up again and be nasty about it. The fact that you said you were over it when you aren’t isn’t an excuse.

She stewed on it all day. She absolutely could have called and cancelled. Or remained sober to discuss it.

I can promise if she turned up at his and he was being verbally abusive, telling her about how much more than her he earned, drunk because he was pissed off about something that was said days ago and pretended he was over it….people would say it’s a massive red flag. Even if it was just once.

and certainly wouldn’t be telling Op to introduce this man to her kids.

Why do you feel the need to be so snide? Perhaps these behaviours are common in your life and you have learned/learnt to accommodate or excuse them?

I really feel for you, OP. I'm sure many of us have had too much to drink and made a tit of ourselves at one point or another.

Would you consider going to counselling? It sounds like you've got a lot of emotions you're not sure how to handle, especially since becoming a single mum.

I'd understand why he has his reservations about the relationship now, but you'll have to take whatever his decision is on the chin and learn from this. I don't think you've got a drinking problem at all, for what it's worth. You just made a bad decision when feeling a bit vulnerable, and I think you've learnt from it.

Just can’t see how 11 months of being me

11 months is no time at all, you don't know each other and you can't know you are soul mates unless you have been together years..it's only in reflection that you know that.

The reason I raise it is because you (or both of you) are putting this relationship on some higher level rather than - we were getting on great and were really smitten. It smacks of emotional immaturity to have a soul mate view when you both haven't got to know each others children. Clearly there is more to you than he knows and he will have traits that you are not aware of.

How long have you been single?

I can't cope with the every time someone does or says something that isn't perfect then it must be abusive brigade. The reality is we are human and there is a whole spectrum of behaviour. He would have left if you were being that bad OP. Instead he tried to cuddle you 🙄 but didn't like it when you didn't want to be cuddled. If he was really that decent he'd have been trying to understand what had upset you so much. You are allowed to be upset!

I also think give yourself a break. You also don't have fuck all to prove to him or his family.

Honestly, if I'd read stuff about myself in a family group chat that was derogatory towards me, I think I'd have something to say about it. Drunk or not.

Did you even read her post? She didn’t read anything in a family group chat.

Why do you feel the need to be so snide? Perhaps these behaviours are common in your life and you have learned/learnt to accommodate or excuse them?

Not being snide. I'm appalled at the way some people are piling on the OP - it's bullying.

You're the one being snide with your suggestions about my life. Happily married for 35 years because DH and I recognise that there are a whole range of emotions that make up a human. And expressing anger occasionally is healthy.

This thread resonated with me because I think until recently I'd have been in your position of "It was a one off, there was a good reason it happened (in your case alcohol)" I'm talking about my own behaviours here.

You are most likely not anywhere near an irredeemably bad person OP but I'm not buying the narrative from some that it was all his fault either. It doesn't sound like you were acting in a moment of necessary self defence. Women and men can commit abusive acts, although us men are much more likely to and we hold far too much societal power, allowing toxic masculinity to perpetuate.

So, like most of us, you are somewhere in the middle. That said, you have within you a capability to commit acts that are abusive. So do I. You can read other stuff under my username if you wish.

What can often happen is that when we do something like this, we feel shame. We know we have violated a social norm and the urge we have is to hide it away. Shame is a horribly painful emotion so we wall off what we did with excuses and justifications and so cannot bring it into the light to ask ourselves why we did it, why that capacity to hurt others (and ourselves) is a part of us.

I have spent 18 months wrestling with this sort of stuff in and out of therapy, looking back at past behaviours to understand why I did them. My wisest friends said to me, you are a person capable of great kindness and compassion but you need to face and understand why you did what you did so you don't do it again. They were right. I have a better understanding of that now and have let go of most of the vicious cycle of episodes of shit or stupid or all about me or responding to a trigger from the past behaviour - shame/self attack - internal distress - more unhelpful behaviour to manage distress - shame....

I was left with a journey of understanding why I behaved as I did (no prizes for guessing it was not good enough parenting and exposure to narratives that certain behaviours were ok). So now I try to walk a path of consciously/mindfully holding compassion for others - guilt for past behaviours - consequent urge to repair hurt- behaviour as best I can to repair hurt - more compassion for others and, importantly, self - understanding the work on self must continue.

You can of course minimise what you did, blame your partner, his family. They may be assholes . But if you don't own what you did and really learn from it then you will repeat it or something akin to it. After all, if his family are assholes and he is also one, why didn't you hold a boundary and end it firmly but compassionately with him? Why was him coming over a trigger for a binge drink?

Very best wishes OP

Why does he keep bringing up this being around his kids stuff. Bringing up something repeatedly needs to be talked about. It would wind me up as well that there are people in his ear.

I'm not going to batter you for getting drunk and mouthing off. You're going to feel utterly shit for the rest of the day.

Ah behave!

Expressing anger in this way is not healthy.

I have never got drunk and done this. That doesn’t mean I am perfect. It means I haven’t done this.

Are you now claiming to be perfect? Because you and your husband accept this sort of behaviour occasionally.

I don’t think Op is a bad person. it was a shitty thing to do. But that doesn’t make someone entirely bad. But all this twisting in knots to make it his fault or the ridiculous claims that if you think what op did was awful you must also be saying you are perfect is bizarre.

Are you now claiming to be perfect? Because you and your husband accept this sort of behaviour occasionally.

You really do like to twist what people say, don't you?

She's made one mistake ffs. Everyone's done it. Everyone makes mistakes.

Thank you so much for telling me how I would react if the roles were reversed. Thank goodness I have you there to speak my mind and think for me.@PuddlesPityParty

in fact I would not have cared who said what, man or woman, the fact is my point stands that the DP could have chosen not to add fuel to the fire by mentioning his ex, how was that helpful. It wasn't.

And this, is what being 'deliberately obtuse' looks like 🤣

How have I twisted it. You accused people of pretending to be perfect because they believe the Op did something bad. I asked if the same applies to you since your follow post went on about your long and Happy marriage.

Funny how you don’t like that both ways isn’t it? I am twisting things but you claiming people think they are saints because you don’t like their opinion, when they never said anything of the sort isn’t twisting things? Ok then 😂

You said that your marriage was long and happy because you accept the full range of human emotion. On a thread about an op who got drunk then verbally abused her partner. Your comment was that occasional anger is healthy. That definitely suggests both you and your dh accept the occasionally episode of drunken rants. Good for you. Doesn’t make it healthy.

Getting drunk because you are in a mood and having a go at a partner, isn’t healthy. So why make out it is?

I don’t think you know what that phrase means 😂😂😂

Anger can be healthy
(Not resentment)
Think mother bear anger
Sometimes you do have ti stand up for yourself- firmly.
Op was no unprovoked