Iv fucked it haven’t I?

[Dancefob]

I will start by saying I am a very chilled person. My job requires a ‘calm under pressure’ persona and that is always me. I do have some anxiety but over the years have learned to manage this really well.

Ok so, been with my partner for 11 months. Things are incredible. He is my soulmate absolutely. We have had normal challenges, kids from other relationships, health etc but always worked together to come to a solution. He is an awesome communicator as I think I am, and it’s been refreshing to be with someone, where everything works well without effort.

The other day he made a comment that his family are not keen on me starting to have a bit of involvement with his child. I can see this all angles but I was a little hurt as nothing is rushed and we are sensible etc. but I got over it. It came up again yesterday I stewed on this all day. We had a date night planned (just in the garden) and sadly my anxiety and a few too many drinks before he arrived in the evening meant that when he arrived all smiles and happy for our date , I for some reason, I had a personality transplant 😦😳 honestly, I didn’t know myself. I said some horrible things and I remember him just staring at me. I then flounced off (completely unlike me) he came to see if I was ok and I pushed him away (we are a tactile couple I have never done this before!) he was stunned.

And then he said I was reminding him of his ex wife who alledgely acted in the same way if she didn’t get her own way. This was like a red flag to a bull to me and I again said some awful hurtful things. He stayed the night and left today, it’s all very quiet and he has said how hurt he is and how he doesn’t understand what happened and it’s made him feel quite uneasy about me, he has implied that this might be the real me and I’m only letting it out now we are ‘more comfortable’ with each other.

I have apologised profusely and he has just been his kind and patient self but I can’t help feeling he is now having second thoughts.

PLEASE, how do I fix this?!

Oh behave! 🤣

We all have the potential to do a lot of things.

We all have the potential to lie, steal, cheat, be abusive, smack our children, say unkind things when we're angry. We all have the potential for any of those things.

But some of us can emotionally regulate ourselves, some of us think before we speak/act, some of us are aware of the bigger picture, some of us consider the potential consequences of our actions...

Ultimately, it's up to the OP's boyfriend what he chooses to do. Nothing anyone says on here will make the slightest difference to that.

For those saying it's not abusive. Well, taking your anger out on another person is abusive. It doesn't mean it's going to develop into an ongoing pattern but it's up to him whether or not he wants to take that risk.

How many women who've ended up in abusive or controlling relationships did so because they overlooked the first few instances? Because they were one offs? Because they seemed out of character? Because he apologised and promised he'd change/not do it again?

The majority of abusers don't set out to be awful people. But they have disordered and dysfunctional ways of responding to stressors; they try and minimise their own negative feelings; try to mitigate the chance of something happening that would upset them.

I can be quite pragmatic about this. I grew up in an abusive household and developed dysfunctional coping strategies out of trauma. Of course, I didn't realise they were at the time because they made sense to me. This meant that I did do things, said things and responded in ways that, on reflection, would have fallen into the category of emotionally abusive. I had therapy and addesed it. I wasn't an awful person but fear and anxiety made me someone that I didn't really want to be. So whilst, no, I'm not perfect, I know that I don't do any of these things anymore.

The OP may need more support for her anxiety, she might need to lay of the alcohol altogether. But this man is perfectly within his rights to make the decision that this is not the relationship for him based on this one off incident. Maybe he will and maybe he won't. Only time will tell that.

@yipeeyiyay
What in particular about my reply to OP indicates to you that I would like you to believe that I never say anything wrong, that I think that I'm perfect and I never lose my rag?

The question was, has she fucked it with her recent behaviour. My opinion is, yes probably, as it's likely giving him some major misgivings about furthering the introduction process with his kids. If he's a good dad, then yes, this might have fucked it. Just like if I was thinking about introducing a boyfriend to my kids and they lost their mind and had a 'personality transplant' because they'd sunk a load of cider before I arrived for a date. It would put a halt on the relationship. If that leads you to believe I think I'm perfect, then that's fine but I don't think that's perfect parenting, it's basic parenting.

OP was drunk.

‘Think mother bear anger’. God preserve is.

He comes from a very tight family, me not so much and my want to be liked and accepted in to the family is huge. It’s a huge part of his life with regular trips and events etc

And then he had the insensitivity to tell you his family had reservations about you meeting his children!

You went off at the deep end, but it would be fair for him also to reflect on the position he is putting you in. Is he holding you up to be vetted by his family? Then telling you nice things they said about you? I am sure they did but it is him you are seeing, not the whole tribe.

He’s now doing the silent treatment/has ended the relationship. If one row has done this then it wasn’t a strong relationship. I am interested to know OP if he has met your child and how he feels about this?

If he loves you enough to propose then he wants you around his child. If he is having reservations about that, it follows he is having reservations about the whole relationship. Btw he is also a single parent.

I think OP was being pushed out and confronted him. As someone else said, in vino veritas.

How long before he decided you were good enough. He’s got you doing the pick me dance and you aren’t even married ffs!

I think people are reacting too strongly to you saying you said awful things - objectively I don't think anything you've actually said sounds that horrendous. You haven't shared that many details, but from what you have said it sounds like a fairly normal fight and a bit of an overreaction from all involved.

It doesn’t matter if someone here thinks what she said wasn’t that horrendous. Absolutely not the point. If he thought it was, or revealed a side to her he really didn’t like, that’s up to him. Who are random posters on here to arbitrate that?

Who are random posters on here to say either way? All any of us can do is share our opinion on how bad it sounds, and thus, how fucked it's likely to be.

Op I think you showed a real misunderstanding of how trust works when you said 'I've been lovely me for 11 months and made one mistake, it isn't fair he's hurt by that' (words to that effect).

But that isn't how it works. Otherwise abusers (I'm not saying you are one, just using the analagy) could say 'I'm lovely to her 11 months of the time, she shouldn't hold it against me if I hit her / shout at her / threaten her / get drunk and aggressive once every 11 months. Who you are is EVERYTHING you are. So the person who got drunk and abusive is a part of you. Your bf has to decide if he can live with the risk of that person resurfacing every so often.

And to those saying that she was only hurtful because he was - I see no suggestion that he was hurtful at all. He told her that his family didn't think she ought to meet his children yet. It's general MN policy that you shouldn't meet the children for at least the first year, and IRL not an unreasonable position. So his family thinking that isn't unreasonable. They weren't making a judgement on the op. They weren't saying the op isn't good enough. They were saying that it's sensible not to meet the children too soon. The bf had every right to disagree (we don't know whether he did or not) but I don't see any sign he's been hurtful to the op.

And, tbf, the drunken outburst would make me think twice about introducing children in to the mix. If I were the bf, I'd be thinking 'is this the real op? How often will this happen?'

Who you are is EVERYTHING you are. So the person who got drunk and abusive is a part of you

who are you to declare with such certainty that someone who you don't know in real life's mistake is who they are. Do you know how arrogant and judgemental that makes you? A person is not defined by their thoughts or their behaviour - ill-advised or good. A human being can make a mistake and behave in a way that's out of character, and not who they actually are. Human behaviour fluctuates. As humans we can chose to view people with understanding and insight, or if like you, then they do something wrong and by god, they're absolutely fucked.

As for you declaring general MN policy, are you nuts??? What policy would that be, oh yes the one that posters talk about - newsflash that doesn't make it policy it's just people's opinion.

🤯

If a bloke did that me, I'd be long gone and he'd certainly not be meeting my kids.

You fucked up big time and tbh, I think he'd be better out of it.

He’s now doing the silent treatment/has ended the relationship. If one row has done this then it wasn’t a strong relationship.

It wasn't one row. They often argue when drunk and slagged off his family and belittled him.

Are you Ok OP?

OP I think should take whole responsibility for your behaviour and explain to him how you feel and where it came from. Being honest and vulnerable in relationship always works better then bottling things up and then attacking and pushing away.
I know you want to come across as strong and like you have it all together but in any healthy relationship trust and communication is very important. And you can't help how you feel. If you don't talk and get it out in a healthy way it will come up in ways you don't want!

Also, please be e kind to yourself. We all mess up! You've made a mistake and you owned it. It doesn't make you a bad person.

In the real unwoke world we all lose our shit sometimes and say things we don’t mean. You’re not an abuser just somebody with real feelings. I hope he realizes that normal relationships include arguments.

What does 'woke' have to do with this?

It's not an argument that's the problem. It's the targeted verbal abuse and berating. That's not being woke - it's being respectful.

Hope you are doing ok OP. I'm just wondering who your support network is. You say you don't have a close family. What about friends?

Where does it say what the family were saying?

i don’t think it would be over, but you might be starting from 0 again, the prior 11 months wouldn’t count for anything & you would need to rebuild the trust and rebuild the relationship again

Promise him not to drink again more than you safe dose, ever. Maybe this will help salvage it, if he sees how mortified you are and if you said it only happens when you drink too much, it's not the real you, and you must control it. But yeah it's hard to forget the nasty words, it depends how resilient he - but he may give you one more chance.

Somewhat cross-posted with you, Op, re booze.