Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

My ex would walk up behind me and hug me from behind whilst I was cooking. He had no understanding of a normal startle reflex and how much risk he was putting me at by grabbing at me like that when I was using knives.

He kept wanting different food every day. Apparently my sausage casserole is very nice, but not nice enough to have for three days on the run?

These are two of the many reasons why I chose Dcat over him.

My boyfriend is NT. He doesn’t seem to realise his behaviour is unacceptable. He regularly sends me recipes and asks if I want to try them, why would I want to try new foods? We have foods we know and like. Or we will plan a meal
and he will come home and say “I saw these new sausages so I got them for the toad in the hole tonight”- they have leeks or apples or pepper in them. Why would I want to try new sausages? I like the sausages we have. If those sausages weren’t in stock then I’m not eating sausages. But then he eats the sausages! And he likes the sausages. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes I think he’s just acting up for a reaction. Another time I asked did he want beans or veg and gravy with his pie and he said BOTH! Apparently it all ends up in the same place and in his NT brain that means it is fine to eat like that. His foods touch on his plate too. He tries new things all the time, he has no loyalty to the things we know and like. He never sniffs food before he tries it either.

He regularly buys new clothes and shoes. Then he wears them straight away! No preparation time or waiting until he’s ready to try them. But worse than that, he asks me why I don’t buy new clothes and shoes. Clearly it’s because I have clothes and shoes already?

He listens to a variety of music. Likes the radio and gets into new songs and doesn’t just listen to the same 10 songs he knows and likes. He always has music on, he can’t handle any sort of silence or quiet time.

He once asked me to choose a new TV show to watch together. He’s still waiting. It must be nearly a year now but I’m close to making a decision after some light research.

@Youreatowel
This made me sob. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this as I can relate so much! Have you tried to get him assessed for NT disorder or is he already diagnosed? He seems to be very low functioning and needs close support to be and do things the right way. I hope you can get the help you need to continue to support him.

@MyWishIsMyCommand sorry, but I disagree. You’re making excuses. His insistence on bringing new sausages home is narcissistic and abusive. He will never change@Youreatowel Divorce him.

@Youreatowel that's so sad, have you thought about speaking to Women's Aid?

I don't know if he's NT or just an abusive man - he could be both of course. I suppose the real question is does he meet the full triad of impairments?

1. Rigid social communication (relying entirely on subtle and non-literal forms of communication like body language and eye contact)

1. Limited social interaction (restricted by social conventions, focus on unspoken rules and small talk, showing a lack of open and direct behaviour, prone to social conformity pressure disorder)

1. Restricted social imagination (focus on traditional ways of behaving and interacting, sticking rigidly to social norms and showing a lack of imaginative flexibility)

While it's not technically in the diagnostic criteria, we often see sensory under-stimulation in many NT people too. As you know, this is characterised by an unfortunate lack of sensory input, leading to a decreased "richness of experience" from everyday life. This is demonstrated in the need for extreme sensory input.

It's extremely sad that our world isn't built for NT people, but with enough work and therapy, they can still have value and meaning in their lives (and ours).

I like new sausages, but not without prior consultation. I need to plan for the change.

He is BVU about the radio though. The adverts and the announcements and the DJ not letting the songs finish are so disruptive. And so much of modern music has that robotic vocal from the autotuner that makes it unlistenable.

we often see sensory under-stimulation in many NT people too

This might explain how so many of them tolerate autotune!

We have tried both, we are at our wits end! She stares blankly when I explain how the different engines function and has absolutely no recall of rail gauges . She just wants to wave at other passengers and play at ticket collectors. Which is fine, she’s a happy little soul, but I do wonder how she will manage at school. We might have to move out of a grammar area to access suitable provision.

You also have to wonder if it’s fair to bring a 2nd DC into it, we’d hate for their life to be limited by the needs of a NT sibling.

@BeastOfBODMAS 🤣🤣

@AutisticGoat looking at the NT triad of impairments really brings it home, doesn’t it? How ever do they get things done when they rely on hints, allusions and unspoken rules? And in the workplace, well, disaster could ensue. I mean, imagine the consequences of NT hierarchical behaviour, lack of sensory attunement and illogical, socially-driven behaviour in business or worse, government. 🤔

It really does, it's a profoundly concerning idea. Just think how that kind of government might manage a crisis like Brexit or Covid, or deal with issues in the economy. It almost doesn't bear thinking about.

@AutisticGoat you’re so right. Thank goodness as a nation we elected Boris Johnson! Someone with limited intellectually ability but a great laugh and loves a party! A proper neurotypical! He tells people what they want to hear, none of this “attention to detail” and “truth” (that is just so blunt and, frankly, rude). Imagine if we had an autistic Prime Minister who studied the facts and acted on logic and honesty? The horror.

Sorry for my typo. I meant “intellectual” not “intellectually” 🤦🏻‍♀️. It’s my fault for browsing this thread rather than making myself look pretty for work.

You know what, you're right. He may need support to access therapy but then LTB!

My current NT DP is wonderful. But my last one was a nightmare! He had serious communication issues. Was always talking in riddles and expecting me to know wtf he was meaning.

"How are you feeling?"
"A bit cold."
"That's not what I mean."

"How was your day?"
"Fine."
"Is that it?"
"Um.."
"Nevermind."

"Do you love me?"
"Of course."
"How much?"
"How much do I love you?"
"Yes."
"Um..what's the unit of measurement?"
"For fuck sake."
"Uhhh 12 bananas!"

As you know, this is characterised by an unfortunate lack of sensory input, leading to a decreased "richness of experience" from everyday life. This is demonstrated in the need for extreme sensory input.

@AutisticGoat You know, this makes sense (as does the rest of your post) and explains why they HAVE TO be socialised, attend any and every event or they feel like the world will end. It explains why those with NT disorder can't possibly understand why anyone (ND people) could manage happily without all that extra stimulation.

Thinking within the box/Lack of understanding of anything other than the norm is a huge impairment for them. Poor dears!

We'd have to face things head on and stop beating about the bush with unnecessary bureaucracy, deliberate time-wasting processes and delay-tactics policies. Disaster!

@Dustyyy

Thank you SO MUCH for starting this thread. I've only just noticed it and I'm shamelessly place marking to ensure that I read the thread later.

I'm autistic, neurotypical husband. He drives me nuts at times!

kicking self for not thinking of starting a thread like this 😬

Thanks for this OP but as a NT mama (I mean I'm obviously ND but raising two perfect complete puzzles with NT) I think I may be able to add more direct experience to this conversation to give you an insight into the NT world.

My nt in-laws are so draining. I find it very difficult to spend time with them. They make mountains out of molehills where my mind then goes off to overdrive thinking of millions of things people suffer in the world and my in-laws are complaining about a salad sauce. They are very needy and also all their relationships and conversations are all very shallow and on the surface. I find it very difficult to click with them as they have no deep and meaningful conversations plus they flick from subject to another so it's very hard to follow them.

My NT with a little ND DH finds it "strange" that I don't get excited about holidays/weekends away until the morning of the event! I don't like to tell him, I don't even then, but feel I must put on a show for him because he wonders why he bothers! I love these things but don't understand why I need to make a song and dance about them!

Agreed

Please don’t worry, I would just watch and wait. She may not be NT. I am ND and not mechanically minded at all. In fact yesterday, I spent twenty minutes telling IT services that my laptop wasn’t charging, when it turned out I had the charger in the headphone port.

Introducing her to different kinds of engines is a good idea but I’d also look out for other special interests you can nurture, to encourage that same focus and richness of experience. Maybe hers are more language based? Don’t give up on her just yet.

However, if she is NT the fact that she is in an understanding and supportive family will help her develop these lagging skills.

Thank you so much for this thread, I really needed it. It's so hard being married to a NT and people juts don't understand

One day we were out and later at home I mentioned something to him that I had seen and he said he 'didn't notice' WTF, I nearly LTB there and then. How could he not notice small detail!!

You know what though? In all seriousness, this thread has really made me reassess how I approach parenting my ND children, even as an autistic person myself. There is internalised ableism we don’t even realise. Thank you, OP.