Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

FatGirl- yet again such good points. The world of work cant be expected to adjust to NT people really. Think of the cost and the effect on the ND workers!

Such a relief to have this thread! I had great hopes of DH as I thought he might be quite high functioning for an NT - logical and usually quite clear in communication. Unfortunately, he does have some challenging NT traits: moving my things being just one (so much that I may never find ever again and he can’t seem to grasp out of sight is out of mind); talking…. Loudly. And getting huffy if I use earplugs. Failing to appreciate the importance of my collections. Sigh! But these pale into insignificance beside not caring about my deep interests. He expects me to answer questions about subjects that interest me in one or two sentences at most. Ought I to LTB? I mean, it’s bad, isn’t it? They don't mean to be abusive, they just lack theory of ND mind.

It's taken me years, but my husband has finally learned not to eat his breakfast next to me. NTs can learn, don't give up!

Potentially NT DH is a real problem at the moment. Clear lack of research and planning taking place. He's suggested that we don't obsessively research where we're going on holiday and that we should "just wing it when we get there". Clearly its unacceptable not to know every attraction in the area, which days they are open, 3 available car parks for each one, where to eat and whether acceptable public toilets are available. I'm really not sure how I can cope with this slovenly attitude?

Oh and don't get me started on the mismatched cutlery he used at dinner!

Thank you . I did ask ask for genuine advice from this thread about husband and replies have been so negative!

Reading so many brilliant messages on this thread makes it clear that people in society really don’t understand neurotypicality. I think we need one-of those Chris Packham style documentaries - “Neurotypical Me” - a fascinating insight into the lives of people without autism. How a non-complex brain with limited neural pathways limits your capacity to lead a meaningful life. That plastic-surgery faced girl from Geordie Shore could present it……<<pauses>>……actually scrap that idea……Love island does the same job.

@Dustyyy 🤣😂😂🤣

Dusty that is perfect. Please don't stop!

You are all my tribe 😍🤣

I can’t tell you how happy this thread has made me.

@FatGirlSwim 🔥🔥🔥

This is my favourite thread ever on MN 🤣

@Dustyyy I've never really watched Love Island and shows like that except in passing or a few clips here and there. Your post has made me realise I should be watching them like documentaries for exactly the reason you gave. Thank you for these 'documentaries' recommendation on NT disorder. You've sparked a possible special interest and research study.

@MyWishIsMyCommand be very careful. Every 10 minutes watching Love Island severs a neural pathway. If you watch a whole series you might become NT (unless you’ve had the MMR, it offers some protection against neurotypicality I believe).

Do we have to learn about them? Can't we just avoid them and slag them off?

My children all had a double dose of the MMR for that very reason. I understand that a massive demand on the immune system can preserve the delicate pathways required for ND thinking.

😱😤 Nope. I don't think I want to catch the NTs. I'll wait for an ND person who is immune to give me a quick breakdown then.

On second thoughts, I never found them interesting when I tried to watch them, which is why I couldn't/stopped. I suppose it would be hard to sit through but for research and NT training purposes, I'll put on a hazmat suit and get the vaccine! <fingers crossed>

I can understand your frustration, believe me. Living with NT in the family is sometimes soul destroying. But I do think it’s important to be compassionate and understand that they can’t help the way their brains work and it must be awful for them too. It sounds like you’re burnt out from the caring role, maybe some respite would help so that you can feel empathy for them and remember what an incredible job you are doing.

Honestly @FatGirlSwim a lot of the time I think they're putting it on just to rile me.

@JeandeServiette hmmm you do make a strong case. I’m ok with avoidance and some slagging off, interspersed with disdain and a bit of patronising. Remember, it’s not their fault.

Thanks @Dustyyy I'll try some disdain.

So now I get it…I have been so confused for hours! The first thread that I have actually commented on 🤦‍♀️

I'm not autistic. I have ADHD. Can I still join? Dh is as NT as they come. I mean he's totally bonkers but in a very efficient and competent way. He's basically the anti-me and it's very difficult. He actually finishes jobs and expects me to do the same. Or to be able to keep socks together when washing. Or to remember every tiny little thing that has ever happened to any creature in the history of this planet. And he excels at doing stuff even if he doesn't love it or doesn't have a gun being held to his head. It's exhausting failing so badly in comparison constantly.

It can be confusing partnered with a NT which is why it's so great we have these tools to assess and understand them.

However it doesn't always work, I've been given some hope by posters above that NT can change.

Have you considered she might prefer a diesel rather than steam engine? Don’t give up on her yet, there is still hope.