Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

chemistnightmare it isn’t his fault. It can be really difficult to live with but he can’t help it. People with neurotypicalism tend to miss the detail and just see an overall impression. I’ve heard it said that they can’t see the trees for the wood.

working to their strengths in an NT-positive way might find a niche in life where they can be happy, but they will always struggle to see the detail or to focus on one aspect of a picture, sadly.

It can be really difficult but understanding why they do these things can help us to tolerate it.

I saw a course recently 'how to help NTs communicate effectively' it's run purely by ND people with no experience of being NT, so should be perfect.

@OwlRightThen is that the AreYouThickAsWellAsStupid method? DH uses it with some of his direct reports at work.

This feels like a safe place to say that actually I really find NT people difficult to be around. I'm sorry if I've upset anyone with NT loved ones.
It's the emotional control NTs have which I don't understand. They seem to spend a day or even a week or longer, at the same emotional register. They can see a cat run over and still manage to go to work.

Also, and I'm uncomfortable saying this, I find their inability to take risks makes life rather dull and predictable. Such pitiful clinging to concepts like routine and repetition makes for a limited life. As an ADHD person, I know the benefits to mind and body of doing something new every day, even if it's just taking a different route to work. I mean, there are NT people who have never experienced the joys of setting off across the desert with a can of Coke and packet of fags. How do they know what they can achieve if they never put themselves out there?

😂

The only thing you can do with a low functioning one is to walk away.

Shakespeare wrote a fantastic play about an autistic princess and her two sisters and father with neurotypicism. It's called King Lear and it starts with a conversation very similar to the one your husband imposed on you. It's a great cautionary tale about the risks of relying on someone's ability to massage your ego as an indicator of their trustworthiness.

Is it person with neurotypicism or neurotypical person? I could just ask some of them what terminology they prefer but that would mean valuing their opinions.

I prefer "beige spectrum disorder".

Or informally "BSD hubby".

It's important to keep emphasising how disordered they are. You don't want them thinking NT is a valid alternate way of being.

Read the room!
Even if it wasn't an obvious satire thread, a thread for NDs to support each other isn't the place for you to ask for help with your relationship problems.

Sorry if that's harsh for you, I know with suffering from neurotypicality you might struggle with hearing direct communication.

Maybe you want the other cough support thread.

I find it so weird that NT's can't 'read the room' 🙄 Do any of you barge into the other thread asking for advice from NT's?

My shower has finally given up. I'm researching showers suitable for use with a combi-boiler and trying to fend off pressure from NT DH to just buy any old shower. He doesn't get that replacement appliances have to be thoroughly researched before purchasing.

I posted once on thread eight to correct the "people with autism" terminology, but I wouldn't ask them for support in dealing with a NT partner. Making them feel like the problem on their own support thread would be rude.

Definitely ‘person with neurotypicism’ or ‘person with NTD (Neurotupicality Disorder). Because we want to separate the person from their disordered ways of thinking and being in the world, recognising that they mean well underneath all that arsehole behaviour.

There is a vocal minority of very high functioning people with Neurotypical Disorder who are really just a bit quirky. They have often paid for a diagnosis because they want to be edgy and it’s the latest trend, but they are really not impacted much at all. They have taken over the conversation and decided that ‘neurotypical people’ is the way to go. Listening to them would be dangerous and minimise the real impact of NTD on those who are properly disabled by it and need to work towards behaving more like ND people for their own good and that of those around them.

I do not understand why some of you got married, had children and stay married? NT’s cannot mask so surely you knew what they were like?

I do not date NT’s no matter how much of a physical attraction there is as I know I would struggle with their behaviour.

NT’s cannot mask

Oh no, they can and do. I've had exes with NTD who were capable of communicating directly for a while and pretending to have normal interests such as railway locomotives, but then they stopped doing it and started getting upset about me not wanting to "do" Valentine's Day or go to the cinema.

NT hubby is wonderful, he "gets" me and knows when I am overwhelmed.

He cannot understand why I hate meet ups with friends after a full day of work. ...even virtual online ones at too much.

I go upstairs and switch off...i decompress.

I’ve had friends who do this, they certainly can mask. They seem to have normal, healthy interests like reading and walking outdoors, but once you scratch the surface you find that they want to talk constantly while you’re doing these things, change plans at the drop of a hat… before you know what’s happening, they want to meet up in a bar.

What’s wrong with wanting to talk to people when meeting up?

It ruins the companionable silence and distracts from the thing you met up to do.

I don’t think it does, though - surely this is person-dependent?

I don’t get why people on this thread are trying to make out that people who are ND don’t want to be sociable? I can’t be the only one who hates silence around other people, surely?

Shall we add #NotAllNDPeople and #NotAllNTPeople to all our posts or can it be left unsaid that it's what we mean?

I'm for the latter, personally.

I hate being sociable and much prefer silence around other people. One of the hairdressers in my town has advertised silent appointments. It might actually give me the incentive to go to the hairdressers after around 6 years.

My husband doesn't under the need for different cups for different drinks.
I have my morning coffee cup and evening mint tea cup.
Sometimes I come downstairs in the morning and he's using my morning coffee cup.
Why?? Ruined morning cuppa.
I also do not like unexpected touching. I don't want to upset or offend him though so mostly keep my mouth shut!