Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

I clicked "report" under the Ops post and then instead of saying there's a problem said I wanted to nominate for classics and why :) I got a reply from mn saying theyd have a look so it seemed the right way!

That's how I nominate for classics too.

At work, we've had a special trainer come in and teach us about NTs and their needs. It's been an eye opener. I had no idea there were so many people who were NT, or just how being NT can impact people. I'm sure now that Barry from finance is NT

We've been encouraged to sit with them and make social chat while working, as apparently this helps them relax and focus. A small cost to us and a huge benefit to them, apparently.

The session also covered how we need to be as indirect and oblique as possible when giving feedback, as they often find direct statements challenging and need time to process what they've heard. We were also told that some NTs need order and structure, and those of us with ADHD need to make more effort to be organised: but other NTs can only work within a less structured environment so our autistic colleagues have to use fewer systems and spreadsheets to manage collective work.

Apparently, if you've met an NT, you've met one person who is NT - no assumptions can be made and we have to spend time getting to know each person as an individual.

Quite a useful session overall and I think it will help us all be happier at work.

I read somewhere that it makes neurotypicals feel more comfortable when you pretend to like them or agree with them, but then talk about them behind their back. Maybe we could try this approach with the NTs in our lives? It’s going to be hard to put aside your honesty and learn to gossip / backstab, but if these relationships are going to work we must at least try to adapt to their world.

I know this thread is meant to be funny (and it is!) but I am now thinking that my wife actually does have a disorder - she exhibits so many of the NT characteristics described.

Does anyone else get fed up with people asking “why don’t you just leave?”

They don’t seem to understand that I’m EXHAUSTED from being married to an NT. that I’m too tried to work so I still need his money to live my life of soulful contemplation? If I left I’d have to find a job and that is not what I want at all. I just feel so trapped - it’s so unfair!

I see so many ND/ND couples and they just look so relaxed and happy with each other.
why couldn’t I have married someone more normal??

I just saw this on a wonderful group on Facebook called Allism Mums. It's a group for parents of NT children. It's a place where we can all discuss how much of a burden it is having an NT child.
I think I'm going to change my profile photo to this.

Thank you so much for starting this thread. My ex had NTD and he was just so relentlessly difficult that it wore me down over time - it’s so good to know I’m not alone. Like others, I suspect my ex was using his neurotypicality as an excuse sometimes, but knowing it was a disorder I tried to be understanding and forgiving. Unfortunately I think doing this just validated the idea that his behaviour was okay, which wasn’t helpful for either of us.

I know people say “well why did you get married to somebody with neurotypicality if you didn’t like them”, but I honestly don’t think people understand what it’s like. He was masking at first - I had no idea he might be NT, but once he got comfortable all the behaviours came out. I tried to be patient, understanding and supportive, but I don’t think people truly understand what it’s like to try to live with them.

Total inability to communicate in a normal, direct way - seemed to expect me to read his mind then got upset or angry with me for not guessing what he was thinking or feeling.
Lack of empathy - always thought his way was right, always thought his assessment of situations was correct, couldn’t see things from a ND perspective at all. He didn’t even try, tbh. No effort on his part to try to learn how to behave normally, and he didn’t seem to care that his NT behaviours were difficult to handle - just expected me to adjust and accommodate his many quirks with no effort from him at all.
Constantly thinking there was something wrong when I was totally fine - people suffering with NTD can be so paranoid! He’d read into my facial expression, or my tone of voice, or I’d be concentrating on something and hadn’t noticed that he’d spoken to me, and things would just kick off. It didn’t matter what I said, either; once he’d decided I was in a bad mood he just stuck rigidly to that assessment, and if I tried to explain or clarify he was convinced I was lying - like he couldn’t even imagine somebody communicating in an honest and direct way. (Even worse was when I asked a normal question, like asking if he’d taken the bins out yet because I didn’t know, and he’d immediately accuse me of being passive aggressive? Absolutely impossible).
AND he had no special interests. None. Couldn’t have a deep conversation about anything, no interest in finding out more about fascinating subjects. It was all gossip about other people, or fucking surface level small talk (sorry - I know they can’t help that and I did try to be understanding, but it’s so frustrating and exhausting when it’s constant!)

I have so much respect for those of you who manage to make it work with an NT partner. In the end my ex left me - I so was grateful he did tbh; I don’t know how I’d have successfully ended it with someone so heavily impacted by NT communication difficulties.

I’m in a relationship with a very normal ND man now and it’s an absolute joy - I’m so relaxed and comfortable with him. Sending love to you absolute heroes who are still managing to be so patient, supportive and understanding with your NTs. Mine nearly broke me, you are all incredible people ❤️

Thanks so much for signposting to this group. It looks so supportive. It’s great to have people who understand the strain that having an NT child places on the whole family.

I love my child but it is relentless and exhausting. Constant after school activities, other children in our house, a stream of chatter. I watch other families and feel so sad that we will never have the normal, relaxed experience of sitting about reading our separate books, in depth conversations about random things that go on for hours, or just the understanding that we mean what we say.

I have a colleague whom I suspect may be NT. He really seems to struggle and his responses are just… off, somehow.

The other day, he was giving a presentation and I asked him some detailed questions about the topic to show that I was interested and to find out more. His thought process was bizarre - somehow he interpreted this as trying to undermine him and went running to the boss. Thankfully she has no traits of neurotypicalism at all and understood completely that he was completely misinterpreting normal communication.

The other week, he asked me if I’d be interested in something and I answered ‘no, I’m really not’. He then asked if he’d done something to upset me!! I mean, how would anyone get that from a direct answer to the question he asked me? I’m doing my best to be understanding and I hope the boss will put accommodations in place for him so that he can continue to do his job, but I’m not sure how he’ll be able to work in a team if he can’t grasp basic communication? Maybe some diversity training for the whole team would help… and some coping skills / social skills training for him? Perhaps some kind of mentoring system? Does anyone else have experience of working directly with NT colleagues to share?

I have no experience of working with an NT person but I would honestly find that so stressful. Sounds like he's using his diagnosis as an excuse to be honest. He needs to fit into 'the real world' and people need to stop pussy footing around him. NT is not a disability, it's a super power!

This is so spot-on, it's uncanny. I've had just these kinds of experiences with NT colleagues. Unfortunately their behaviour and thinking processes are seemingly so ingrained that I've seldom witnessed the accommodations and interventions you suggest having much of an effect. Still I suppose we shouldn't give up hope of a positive outcome.

I have a message of hope for all mums of NT children starting school this year! There are some absolute stars in the education system - when it was suspected my child had NTD he was assigned a very special support worker who told me that she knew all about NTD because her nephew suffered from it too. Her nephew! What were the chances! The insights she had from spending Christmases with her nephew were so valuable. She'll always be a hero to me.

@EachFallenRobin that is just WONDERFUL to hear. What a stroke of luck! That definitely gives her so much expertise to share with you about your child and how to manage them. I hope you’ve been able to learn from all her experience. Because after all, NT children are all pretty much alike and she will be so familiar with the condition.

We worry so much about our NT children at school, the education system just isn’t set up for them, so it must be so reassuring to leave your child in such expert hands.

I understand though that NT children can play up to their parents and that sometimes we give too much attention to their anxieties. I believe that they are almost always fine in school once we leave, and in many cases you’d hardly know they were NT at all! They do just get on with it in the classroom with firm expectations and boundaries.

My DD’s teacher is also an expert in NT conditions and she assured me that it doesn’t help to indulge them. She has helped me to see that if you let them, the NT child can control the whole family and it just isn’t fair on their ND siblings. Before we know where we are, they’ll be forcing us out of the house every day, inviting people over, insisting we try new things and refusing the familiar things that we already like. That’s no life for anyone and it’s not really in their interests to allow them to do this.

Welcome to Blackpool (Anon.)

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a neurotypicality - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous trip - to the Scottish Highlands. You do careful and detailed research into the most tranquil places and select your favourites lego sets; The Coliseum. The Millennium Falcon. The Modulars. nice. You may learn some handy building techniques. It's all very exciting.

After months of spreadsheets and planning, the day finally arrives. You pack your noise-cancelling headphones and off you go. Several hours later, the train arrives and the driver says, "Welcome to Blackpool."

"Blackpool?!?" you say. "What do you mean Blackpool?? I signed up for Scotland! I'm supposed to be in Scotland. All my life I've dreamed of going to the remotest parts of Scotland!"

But there's been a change in the track plan. They've arrived in Blackpool and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy even better quality noise-cancelling headphones. And you must learn new ways of avoiding people as you will meet whole new groups of people you would never ever want to talk to.

It's just a different place. It's faster-paced than the Highlands, with far more flashy lights and noise than Inverness. But after you've been there for a while and got over a couple of meltdowns and shutdowns and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Blackpool has libraries....and Blackpool has a train station. It even has nature reserve..

But the few good friends you know are quietly coming and going from Scotland... and they're all emailing you about what a peaceful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Scotland, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Blackpool.

Thank you @Scautish I read that with a tear in my eye. I hope you don’t mind if I send that on to anyone and everyone living with an NT dc and then I can just say “Blackpool” if they try and talk about any issues to me.

Wow Scautish, that poem is just so spot on. Because, I mean, it just says it all ... Blackpool? Really? The grief is immense.

The other day, he was giving a presentation and I asked him some detailed questions about the topic to show that I was interested and to find out more. His thought process was bizarre - somehow he interpreted this as trying to undermine him and went running to the boss.

Fatgirlswim - oh my gosh, is this a NT thing?! This makes so much sense now! I had the same with an ex colleague and could never figure out what the problem was. He'd give a presentation and then when I showed value by asking detailed questions he'd go red in the face and hold his clipboard in front of his chest. He must have been an NT!

Hi all, just popping back in to say DH luckily isn't NT (phew!) but my neighbour is a rude ignorant arsehole. Do you think he has some "needs", perhaps a touch of NT? Not tarring people with the same brush obviously, but he is different and insufferable so NT is obviously the first thing that came to mind to explain this. Is there a hotline I can ring to check it out?

This thread has really brightened my day; I have a NT DH and four NT DC! Was quite an adjustment for me actually, because I don’t come from a family in any way NT so everybody “got” me, but my husband is a good egg and has really put in the work.

@SpikyMetalCircleMaker I know, I was stunned! I only found this out recently when reading about NT behaviour but apparently they can interpret asking relevant questions as aggressive and an attempt to embarrass them. They do seem to read things into simple communication that just isn’t there - I mean, imagine thinking someone would be asking a question for any other reason than being interested in the answer! I think your colleague must have been NT too.

I think it sounds likely. I mean, if someone is an arsehole it makes total sense to assume they are probably NT and just not capable of ‘getting it’.

I hear that in the future they will be able to screen for neurotypicality in utero. That would save so many families from the suffering that is involved in bringing up an NT child.

One NT advocate that I saw on Instagram mentioned something about not liking 'functioning labels'. What's that all about? They have absolutely no idea what families with low functioning NT children have to put up with.

A) this thread is brilliant
B) I think it may have been the final confirmation I needed to self diagnose as ND