Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

It’s a really tricky one isn’t it? I understand that stimming can be really uncomfortable for them but at the same time it will help them if they can learn to fit in when they need to. They do have to live in the real world, after all, and there will be times when stimming is expected of them.

It's just a hunch. When I see him with his friends though, it's quite obvious how different he is. He is so sociable, it's unnerving. He gets invited to parties and this year he even asked to have one for his own birthday!

That’s a lovely idea, shows how accepting and supportive you are. Trust your instincts, a mother knows when something isn’t right with them.

You can get banners for your Facebook profile to make sure everyone knows how accepting you are, too. And to raise awareness of how hard it is to have a NT family member, and how self-sacrificing we are.

It does sound like your instincts might be right, don’t be fobbed off. It’s really important to get support in place early.

I’d keep a careful eye on how he behaves at the party. Keep a diary, maybe video him in case you need it for assessment?

Play back the footage afterwards and try to watch it from an impartial perspective. If hr isn’t engrossed by watching the candle flicker on his cake, doesn’t put his hands over his ears when the singing of happy birthday starts… if he doesn’t spend the whole hour on your knee as you’d expect in an environment like that, I’d maybe pursue assessment.

If he runs around the room in circles flapping his hands, though, you may be reassured. He could just be a sensory seeking ND in which case you have no need to worry.

Thank you all, some very well reasoned advice here.
They do all like swimming and Eastenders, don’t they! It’s not a stereotype if it’s true.

My DP was diagnosed with NTD last year and now he won't stop diagnosing other people. Personally, i dont think there's anything wrong with him other than unresolved childhood issues, which manifest in this attention seeking behaviour. He seems to see NT traits in everywhere he looks and just assumes that means a person has NTD. I've told him that we're all on the NT spectrum, and that liking concerts or coffee morning in the local church hall doesn't necessarily equate to there being a "problem". He's really buying into the fad.

I love this thread - been laughing so hard!
Who knew that ND people had nuance and can speak in riddles or do satire? Not me!

I'm sorry for every one on here who's dealing with someone struggling with NT disorder. You all are superheroes and deserve a medal for your patience, support, underatanding and care. Not to talk of the many MANY adjustments you have to do in your life to fit THEIR needs! Martyrs, I tell you! <air-pats everyone on the back>

Detract from the mission

Having read all the responses, I now see that your ‘mission’ is to take the piss out of NT’s and insult them. Got you. So tit for tat based on their support for anyone who has a ND partner threads. Just goes to show, we are ALL alike...

Hey Summerclass.

I assume you've been on the mirror threads on "support for people with ND partners" telling them off for insulting NDs?

I think the way NT people talk about autistic people is exactly like the way these posts are, but inverted. If it feels dehumanizing, patronizing or infantilising....think on?

I walked in through the front door today, just getting back from a busy morning school run and needing to log straight into work. My NT husband instantly fired loads thoughts at me and then acted offended when I said I wanted my own thoughts in my head.

congrats you got it!

What I love about this thread is that it highlights the way autism is talked about and the lack of respect for autistic ways of being. It does that by turning things on their head and making us think, ‘hang on, what if NT people were talked about like that by those who are supposed to be their nearest and dearest?’ - I know I have done it, even though I am autistic myself, spoken about my autistic dc this way. I love this thread for highlighting that.

So the neurodivergent people are held to a higher standard than people with neurotypicism are? We are expected to rise above the behaviour that you engage in?

Congratulations. You have just demonstrated why this thread is needed. It's not our responsibility to be some kind of model minority whilst the rest of the world dehumanises us.

I do not usually understand sarcasm or satire so this thread has gone over my head. I do not engage in tit for tat behaviour, it is pointless to me, so yes I hold MYSELF and only myself to a higher standard.

I know my strengths and limitations I do not expect anyone else to, ND or NT.
As I said previously I do not date NT and I am just confused why so many women on here have chosen NT partners but constantly have to bite their tongue for fear of offending them or dislike their spontaneous touches. These types of behaviour surely do not suddenly appear after marriage?

Anyway it seems I am also a wrong type of ND for this thread so I will leave you all to it.

Summerclass you're not the wrong type of ND, we're using black humour and role reversal to highlight, and possibly process, others' assumptions of us (and sometimes our own assumptions of ourselves and our children).

Play back the footage afterwards and try to watch it from an impartial perspective. If hr isn’t engrossed by watching the candle flicker on his cake, doesn’t put his hands over his ears when the singing of happy birthday starts… if he doesn’t spend the whole hour on your knee as you’d expect in an environment like that, I’d maybe pursue assessment.

Reaction to a party is an excellent yardstick

@summerclass I would save your indignation for the countless other threads on mumsnet which insult, patronise and dehumanise autistic people. If you don’t like autistic people standing up for themselves and challenging stereotypes through black humour then yeah, this isn’t the place for you.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia My mind is blown by the awareness that Shakespeare wrote such a nuanced portrayal of NT behaviour in Regan and Goneril’s characterisation in King Lear. I had not considered Cordelia as one of us, but her reply to the question about love is absolutely logical and honest, even when those qualities don’t result in a good ending for her and she knows it - hm!

It is also very poignant to consider the psychological damage to the NT of being unable to stim when stressed or simply in need of an outlet. Their odd ways may lead NDs to mis-read their intentions. Maybe they would respond to gentle encouragement? They could start with a bit of foot tapping, perhaps?

My NT husband has just shown me that there is a whole HOUR once a month dedicated for NT people in our local B&Q! He's so excited, bless him. He will now be able to go there at the convenient time of 8am-9am and apparently they will be playing loud music, the florescent lights will be flashing and the staff have been told to talk to the customers as much as possible.
Its so lovely when businesses cater to NT needs like this.

(I've nominated the thread for classics. This is one for the best, but aware only a minority of us may see it this way! But it's brilliant. All the NT should read it. But not post as per OP ;) )

Wow a whole hour at B and Q? That's amazing, and like you say, super convenient. Great to see NT supported in this way.

I hear some cinemas do this too on very random showings. Frustratingly it's not always clear which one or what the accommodations are but we need tk fly the awareness flag for neurotypicalism anyway.

It's brilliant isn't it. Reading the situations in reverse is actually quite shocking I find. I knew we were treated differently and often discriminated against and treated like children at times, but seeing the total reversal is mind blowing!

I've seen those too.
A crazy golf place near me has started an NT hour, and it's conveniently in the middle of the school day so only the under 5s can go. I don't blame them really, who wants to deal with boisterous older NT children..

I'd like to nominate it for Classics too. How do I do that?