Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

Clearly I’m the wrong type of ND for this thread…

Well take this thread with a pince of salt as 90 percent on here, don't even know which is which and are getting mixed up with every other sentence. Google would be better to check and it's 99% questionable...

That's kind of the point. This thread is a poke at those who use stereotypes to blame their unhappy relationships on ND. When the truth is there is as much variation between people with ND as there is in NT people. "My DP hurts me because he's ND." Nope.

It's a joke thread taking the piss out of the awful, long term threads here that reduce us to stereotypes and treat us all like garbage @LorraineInSpain.

Hey guys let’s not detract from the mission. This is a support thread for people who have partners suffering from neurotypicality.

One thing I've never understood about my NT DH is his need to be like a sheep and follow the herd. Take clothing for example. He doesn't wear what is comfortable or even clothing that has really nice colours or patterns, he wears what all the other NT men wear! Mainly in boring sludge colours.
Today he got blisters on his feet from wearing uncomfortable shoes.

Why on earth do they wear things that hurt and that aren't even items that they really love either. So weird.

This!

Don’t worry, if you’re struggling with a partner or family member who has neurotypical disorder, you’re in the right place.

Talking per se doesn’t indicate neurotypicality, and nd people can be sociable too. Neurotypicality is more of a pervasive thing, things that add up, and one feature doesn’t mean you need to worry.

I’m AuDHD and take off without a moment of planning, or any of the stuff I need, just like some of these NT partners. But I don’t suffer from Neurotypicality, my overall functioning is fine.

We definitely don’t want to derail this thread with an argument, because it is absolute gold.

Are there ways to tell the difference between someone who is NT and someone who is a potential abuser? Because there's such a fine line between NT people and histrionic personality disorder that I don't know how to spot the warning signs of potential abusers. They're just so unstable and undependable.

(obviously it goes without saying not all NTs are like this and some of them seem to be able to manage normal healthy relationships but we all know this is the exception)

I'm for the latter, personally.

Ditto 😀

Me too as well - shall I start another spreadsheet?

Can anyone suggest some new hobbies for my DM? She spends all her time going on meet ups with friends and family, where she talks about other recent outings with other people. It’s unproductive.

She’s probably NT although never diagnosed and I have observed no other details about her personality, likes and dislikes.

@BeastOfBODMAS you mentioned earlier that you were concerned that your toddler might have neurotypicality. You might not know unless it affected you or someone close to you, but it's worth keeping a careful eye out if you go for a diagnosis that there has been a scandal as thousands of girls and women have been misdiagnosed with neurotypicality when they were perfectly normal. Doctors misinterpreted their special interests in areas such as dance, dolls, fashion, celebrities, fiction which isn't sci-fi (especially romance or YA) music, textile crafts, cookery and makeup as an NT compulsion to conform to gender roles and lumbered them with an inaccurate diagnosis.

Do make sure that anyone involved in assessing your DD doesn't just focus on interests such as trains, but also takes account of things such as intensely focussed knowledge of every single Rainbow Magic book, or the My Little Pony cinematic universe or similar.

beastofbodmas maybe you could buy your DM some books and find a topic she’d be interested in researching? You could start off together, if you scaffold it in this way, she might become more independent in her research after a while?

Maybe build on her existing interests… so if she likes meeting for coffee she might be interested in researching food and drink? Or if she enjoys meeting her friends at historical sites, she might want to research a particular historical period?

It sounds like she has some interests already so you may be able to build on them to cultivate a deeper and more intense passion?

I heard NT women all like swimming. So it seems obvious your DM will like it as well. They all like EastEnders as well. Does she watch it yet? If not you should hint blandly at her until she tries it. Remember not to directly mention it or be clear about what you're trying to say.

This is really good advice. You definitely wouldn’t want your dd labelled unnecessarily with neurotypicalism. There are many perfectly normal ND behaviours that you can just read too much into and misdiagnose Neurotypical disorders.

Has anyone tried ABA to encourage their NT partner to stim? Mine just sits there and doesn't move. Not even a leg jiggle. I've heard other NTs say it's cruel but I think I'll be less embarrassed with him in public if he at least learns to flap a little bit when he's excited.

Can I just remind everybody that we are not trained professionals and therefore it is entirely inappropriate for us to diagnose our partners (or others)

Neurotypicality is hard to diagnose. There are a number of conditions which can appear as though the individual is NT but it is in fact due to childhood events or other circumstances.

if we keep doing this amateur diagnosing, we will undermine ourselves and will just seem like whining idiots who just want to find fault in our partners so we can blame them.

ok, rant over. Back to lego and spreadsheets.

The thing is, you can train them to flap a bit, perhaps even to lower their gaze when speaking to you, but deep down we all know they're different from us ... it's unsettling. I personally think flap-training is just a sticking plaster.

I think it's all about compassion and acceptance. I am very firm with my two DC about this and I ensure they know that whilst their daddy is the minority neurotype in our home, we all belong equally.

You sound very supportive
2 of my children are ND but I think the youngest is possibly NT.
I was thinking about getting this tshirt to show him that I support him, even though he's different.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your youngest ... do they have a diagnosis or is it just a hunch?

Maybe you're over-thinking it and they're really fine?

Could you put a bucket of Duplo in front of them d check they categorise it by colour ok?

But the t shirt is a lovely thought, and I suppose if he doesn't end up with a diagnosis you could pass it on to a NT Mamma.