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Original poster

Marriage in crisis due to Husband's new lifestyle changes

219 replies

Kate7418 · 12/06/2023 19:06

We are approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary, 5 sons all now adults with only one left at home. Our marriage has drifted over last 4 years and I was convinced my husband was having an affair as he works in the music business and the night time economy. He started to go to the spare room for 'quiet time'. He then decided to sleep there too. He set all his phone settings to private so you can't see when he's online. I never confronted him, just noted these changes.

We have just returned from the holiday from hell. On Day 1 he announced that in future he is changing his lifestyle. No more Mr Nice Guy with everyone, and me and the whole family take him for granted, which I admitted is partially true. He said from now on he was getting out more and doing different things and we aren't to ask where he's going or when he will be home. He proceeded to stay out until 5am on holiday, hardly speak, and made my life a complete misery where I cried alone all day.

Then we talked this new change over. I asked him if he was having an affair which he completely denied. We returned home and I've hardly seen him as he puts his new life at the exclusion of everyone into practice. After all these years of washing/ironing his clothes, making all his meals he is now making his own. He comes and goes in silence. He then said he is depressed and will see a GP. I said I will help him through it, but he is refusing my help. He is addicted to his phone, when he never used to be.

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line. I am living on edge, wondering when this axe will fall or if he will get help for his depression. He says it is not a mid life crisis but he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him. We've always had a marriage that supports the other and he goes out to pubs/clubs with me cheerily waving him on. I've never restricted him going out at all or tried to. I now feel isolated, alone and struggling to know what I can do to help him or how we can get through this. I don't want to end our 23 year marriage, but this 'new husband' is making me uneasy, unhappy and feeling on edge 24/7. What can I do?

OP posts:
YinYogi · 12/06/2023 19:08

I’m sorry but he is cheating on you, whether it’s a series of casual encounters or an affair. His behaviour screams it,

Babysharkdoodoodood · 12/06/2023 19:09

Grit your teeth.
Get fucks in a row and see a solicitor.

What are your finances like? Housing situation?

He's either having an affair or thinking about it. He's definitely checked out.

GameofStrife · 12/06/2023 19:10

He's having an affair.

YinYogi · 12/06/2023 19:10

Posted too soon.

I think you need to be The New You. The one who says ‘I’m not putting up with this treatment. Start treating me with respect, being honest and sort your issues out, or it’s over’.

Call his bluff. He’s taking the absolute puss out of you.

YinYogi · 12/06/2023 19:10

*piss!

SirChenjins · 12/06/2023 19:15

He’s having an affair - she’s just not left her partner yet. I think you need to call his bluff and say that you’re not prepared to put up with his behaviour, and then see a lawyer. I’m so sorry, what a horrible situation for you ☹️

IncomingTraffic · 12/06/2023 19:15

he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him

Tell him you’re setting him free then.

He no longer gets someone who irons his clothes and supports him and all that comes with a lovely, loyal wife.

See a solicitor. Get an idea of what you are entitled to. And tell him that you’re no longer willing to be treated so poorly.

TomatoSandwiches · 12/06/2023 19:16

Realistically what do you think he is doing until 5am?
He says he feels trapped so I would give him the freedom he craves and take some power back by arranging a divorce ( after getting your ducks in a row )

You should be fucking furious at his treatment of you, is he such a prize that you will helplessly allow him to dangle an occasional carrot of hope in front of you?

I can tell you, he is not, he has eventually exposed himself as a dud.

Sunnydaysareuponus · 12/06/2023 19:18

Take control op.
Ltb and take whatever you are entitled to .

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2023 19:19

He's having an affair and playing you for an absolute fool.

Take control here and see a solicitor at once. Don't be some doormat by allowing this twat to walk all over you.

Your marriage is over. You need to file for divorce and kick him out.

Circumferences · 12/06/2023 19:24

He's been out shagging whoever until 5am on your family holiday while complaining that you "trap him".
He's a loser who deserves no respect.
Don't respect him.

Yupiknowhowthatfeels · 12/06/2023 19:25

Agree with the other posters. He is playing you for a mug. Get in there first and leave him. He can inflict himself on whoever she is.

LillyoftheMountain · 12/06/2023 19:26

You say you don’t want to end the marriage but you’re clearly not happy so why wouldn’t you?

justanothermanicmonday1 · 12/06/2023 19:27

I'd just respond by saying.

"Well that's absolutely fine. If you want your freedom then go for it, I'm not stopping you nor am I asking any questions. And to be frank with you, DH, I no longer care. You have 90 days to find a new place to stay, as this house I call my home is not a revolving door for your comings and going's, and I'll also be seeing a lawyer to discuss divorce proceedings. It's a shame it's had to end this way after 23 lovely years together and 5 beautiful children, however I deserve better than this treatment. Enjoy your life, and I'll enjoy mine now I'm finally setting myself free"

Then walk out, and go and have a large glass of wine.

HandlebarLadyTash · 12/06/2023 19:28

Affair or planning to have one

mbosnz · 12/06/2023 19:30

The new him has absolutely no manners, respect, or courtesy for his family, and most particularly his wife of 23 years.

I wouldn't accept that treatment from any member of my family, but definitely not my husband.

Ducks in a row time. Don't let passive agressive bully boy call the shots.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 12/06/2023 19:34

Search for these threads - I don't know how to link to them! - both 2012. They will tell you everything you need to know.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Your 'new husband' is not a man you would have married or chosen as father of your children, is he? If he wants to be this 'new man' then he has basically chosen to not be your husband any more - but he wants you to take responsibility for actually making the decision.

Marriage in crisis due to Husband's new lifestyle changes
Cherrysoup · 12/06/2023 19:34

Why would you tolerate his nonsense! End it.

IhearyouClemFandango · 12/06/2023 19:35

"off you pop then dickhead".

Pamspeople · 12/06/2023 19:36

A "lifestyle change" is going vegan or getting a bike, not unilaterally announcing you're doing whatever want without any consequences! He's absolutely taking the pish, there's no reason whatsoever for you to try and fix this.

He doesn't want any family responsibilities, he doesn't get any family life. Chuck him out.

JohnOgloat · 12/06/2023 19:42

justanothermanicmonday1 · 12/06/2023 19:27

I'd just respond by saying.

"Well that's absolutely fine. If you want your freedom then go for it, I'm not stopping you nor am I asking any questions. And to be frank with you, DH, I no longer care. You have 90 days to find a new place to stay, as this house I call my home is not a revolving door for your comings and going's, and I'll also be seeing a lawyer to discuss divorce proceedings. It's a shame it's had to end this way after 23 lovely years together and 5 beautiful children, however I deserve better than this treatment. Enjoy your life, and I'll enjoy mine now I'm finally setting myself free"

Then walk out, and go and have a large glass of wine.

This with bells on!!

Stop being a door mat, it will only prolong your pain. He has zero respect for you. He is having his ear bent by another... deffo an affair.

Throw him out and ask him for his forwarding address for divorce papers.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 12/06/2023 19:50

I would put money on him fucking around.

But to treat you this way is truly unforgivable. He’s a very selfish cunt.

He said from now on he was getting out more and doing different things and we aren't to ask where he's going or when he will be home. He proceeded to stay out until 5am on holiday, hardly speak, and made my life a complete misery where I cried alone all day

dreamingbohemian · 12/06/2023 19:54

Of course it's a midlife crisis, it's practically the definition of one! Whether he is having an affair or not, you may never know, but you should not have to live like this.

I would ask him to move out for a while and get all the space he wants. You may not be able to decide if your marriage is over but you should not be treated like this in your own home. He needs to decide if he's in or out.

Duckingella · 12/06/2023 19:57

Midlife crisis: this is the script! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

It's the script all over again!

He's definitely messing about with other women;who want to bet he's on a hook up site and buggered off for sex on holiday with a hook up and does it at home.

Has he brought a motorbike yet OP?

Seriously though;time to get all your paperwork together and go see a solicitor to see where you stand legally.

MagicBullet · 12/06/2023 19:59

@Kate7418 look he says he feels like everyone takes him for granted. And I agree it’s not nice. But if he thinks that’s a bad thing, why on Earth is he doing that exact thing to you??

Because behaving like he us, treating your house as a hotel and him as a guest that can come and go when he pleases IS taking your marriage for granted. He is assuming he can du whatever he wants Wo you saying a thing about it.
And then what? He’ll have found himself and leave and you should be happy about it? Or he’ll decide that actually gone is worth the effort and he us expecting normal services to resume??

Nope. Nope.

He has given you signals before that he had an affair. He moved to the spare bedroom. He now lives his life as if you just don’t exist.
And he is refusing to discuss what’s going on….

Either he is having an affair or he has become a massive twat.

Eitger way, you’ll be better if you take control of your life.
PP are saying LTB. And be if ready in case it comes to that is always good.
Or you could gave a chat and tell him. Tell him he us taking you fir granted and is behaving as if he was single. And this is not good enough as you are still married. Tell him you are not accepting that. Demand explanations.