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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage in crisis due to Husband's new lifestyle changes

219 replies

Kate7418 · 12/06/2023 19:06

We are approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary, 5 sons all now adults with only one left at home. Our marriage has drifted over last 4 years and I was convinced my husband was having an affair as he works in the music business and the night time economy. He started to go to the spare room for 'quiet time'. He then decided to sleep there too. He set all his phone settings to private so you can't see when he's online. I never confronted him, just noted these changes.

We have just returned from the holiday from hell. On Day 1 he announced that in future he is changing his lifestyle. No more Mr Nice Guy with everyone, and me and the whole family take him for granted, which I admitted is partially true. He said from now on he was getting out more and doing different things and we aren't to ask where he's going or when he will be home. He proceeded to stay out until 5am on holiday, hardly speak, and made my life a complete misery where I cried alone all day.

Then we talked this new change over. I asked him if he was having an affair which he completely denied. We returned home and I've hardly seen him as he puts his new life at the exclusion of everyone into practice. After all these years of washing/ironing his clothes, making all his meals he is now making his own. He comes and goes in silence. He then said he is depressed and will see a GP. I said I will help him through it, but he is refusing my help. He is addicted to his phone, when he never used to be.

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line. I am living on edge, wondering when this axe will fall or if he will get help for his depression. He says it is not a mid life crisis but he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him. We've always had a marriage that supports the other and he goes out to pubs/clubs with me cheerily waving him on. I've never restricted him going out at all or tried to. I now feel isolated, alone and struggling to know what I can do to help him or how we can get through this. I don't want to end our 23 year marriage, but this 'new husband' is making me uneasy, unhappy and feeling on edge 24/7. What can I do?

OP posts:
Bubblyb00b · 12/06/2023 22:24

Why are you putting up with this and why is it up to him whether your marriage survives or not? As far as I can see its already over. Who gives a crap whether he is having an affair or not - he checked out.

Tell him this is not what you signed up for - he either your husband (in every way) or he isn't. And if he isn't than you don't want to share a house with some random person.

Don't let this pathetic man disrespect you. You deserve a lot more. Even being on your own is much better than this shit, believe me.

Walkaround · 12/06/2023 22:24

Affair or gambling addiction? There’s something he’s not telling you.

Shesellsseashellsunluckyshespoor · 12/06/2023 22:25

I agree OP it definitely sounds like an affair/series of affairs - so sorry
please consider seeing a solicitor and leaving him, you are worth more

Backstreets · 12/06/2023 22:25

God what a prick. I'm really sorry OP.

justprance · 12/06/2023 22:28

You need to go and see a solicitor.

Be informed. Don't be passive while this happens to you. Knowledge is power.

Soapyspuds · 12/06/2023 22:29

Get fucks in a row and see a solicitor

That sounds like a tiring day. Maybe get your fucks in a row the day before the solicitor.

Imred · 12/06/2023 22:30

Either an affair or porn, sorry 😞

Soproudoflionesses · 12/06/2023 22:33

YinYogi · 12/06/2023 19:10

Posted too soon.

I think you need to be The New You. The one who says ‘I’m not putting up with this treatment. Start treating me with respect, being honest and sort your issues out, or it’s over’.

Call his bluff. He’s taking the absolute puss out of you.

Agree.
If my dh suddenly announced nobody is allowed to ask where he is, or what he is do, l would double down and do exactly the same.

Sclover23 · 12/06/2023 22:33

Find your dignity and your inner strength and take back control. Hard as it will be, it’s time to see a solicitor and file for divorce - I was where you are 7 years ago, and there was a 24 year old he was screwing although he denied it to the end - they got together after I forced the end apparently 🤦‍♀️

I went through hell, but I’m now the happiest I’ve ever been and realise he did me a massive favour in the end, as I’ve now found my soulmate 🥰

Sending hugs xx

Paperbagsaremine · 12/06/2023 22:35

Could he have been told that he will be better off if a divorce happens after the last of the DC grows up, and is just implementing a virtual divorce with the plan to have a real one later?

BronwenFrideswide · 12/06/2023 22:35

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line.

For your own sanity, dignity and self respect please, please, don't put up with this. Take back control and make the decision to end this charade, he is playing you like a violin don't stand for it. Tell him you want a new life and he isn't included in it, he can go and enjoy his mid life crisis without inflicting it on you.

Newnamefor23 · 12/06/2023 22:35

Affair or breakdown? Or both?

Don’t LTB but chuck him out - give him the freedom/lifetime change he claims to crave.

At the moment everything seems one sided - he’s calling the shots. You have the capability to even things up a bit.

all the best

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/06/2023 22:36

He’s tucking someone else.

Let him.

See a solicitor. Tell him you are so glad that he has decided to explore life outside your marriage as you want that too so best divorce. Here are my solicitors details to pass on to your solicitor. Please ensure we only communicate via them now.

Moveoverdarlin · 12/06/2023 22:37

On Friday night, go out, don’t come back until Saturday afternoon. If and when he asks where you have been, say ‘It’s the new me, I feel trapped by family life, cooking, washing, it’s all quite frankly boring the tits off me. Watching you in pubs, is getting a bit tedious after 23 years. Time for me! I won’t be telling you where I was last night. Think I quite fancy a divorce, but not decided yet. I’ll keep you posted.’

Soproudoflionesses · 12/06/2023 22:40

Moveoverdarlin · 12/06/2023 22:37

On Friday night, go out, don’t come back until Saturday afternoon. If and when he asks where you have been, say ‘It’s the new me, I feel trapped by family life, cooking, washing, it’s all quite frankly boring the tits off me. Watching you in pubs, is getting a bit tedious after 23 years. Time for me! I won’t be telling you where I was last night. Think I quite fancy a divorce, but not decided yet. I’ll keep you posted.’

Oh this 100%!!

Ottersmith · 12/06/2023 22:43

Yes I think you need to give him the freedom he craves. Can you ask him to move out? It will be hard for you but not as hard as having him there and ignoring you. Then if he agrees you ould have couple counselling to figure out what's going on. If he doesn't agree then fuck him, he would seem to be no longer interested in keeping his marriage.

Livinghappy · 12/06/2023 22:45

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I think previous posters are right...he is having an affair and checked out of the marriage.

For some reason, which is likely to come to light later, he isn't ready to move on yet.

Start to plan finances, do this in secret as you need to plan for your future. I know this sounds dishonest but sadly your H is no longer part of your team. It is heartbreaking and sad but it's much better to be prepared than for him to take advantage of you.

Can you investigate what he is up to? You are missing vital pieces of the puzzle...he has the whole picture and keeping it from you....I wish I had investigated Ex H as it would have reduced the impact when it did all eventually come out.

I also would have planned finances better had I known of the affair (which of course he denied).

Fisharejumping · 12/06/2023 22:47

This makes for a heartbreaking read. You don’t seem to know it yet but you are worth so much more than this. It’s time to call it quits. Your husband is a cunt.

anyolddinosaur · 12/06/2023 22:52

Whether he is having an affair or not he's certainly taking it for granted that you will put up with this. Dont. If he isnt yet having an affair he's on his phone looking for another woman.

Move all his things into the spare room, stop cooking or washing for him, dont clean his room. Start planning a life without him. Then when you are ready tell him he has to leave.

You cant change his behaviour so you need to change how you react to it. Dont let him see you upset.

JobSeekingMissile · 12/06/2023 22:56

@Kate7418 listen to Beautiful South 'A Little Time' and use it to find your strength.
kick his arse out and start living for you and your kids.

user1471518328 · 12/06/2023 22:56

I'm sorry if this is harsh but you don't deserve to be treated like this, your not a doormat. You shouldnt be waiting around for him to decide to chose you again. If you can financially support yourself id pack his bags and tell him to leave or at least get some plan in place to get out of that situation. You will find happiness again but you won't if your sitting around waiting for him to decide when you can have it

saraclara · 12/06/2023 22:57

What do your sons think of his behaviour, out of interest?

momtoboys · 12/06/2023 23:00

I’m so sorry but he is definitely having an affair. Please get your finances in order. He’s stringing you along to make sure it works out with her before leaving for good.

CheekyHobson · 12/06/2023 23:05

I think you need to sit down by yourself somewhere quiet and comfortable where you won’t be interrupted. Make sure the room is a temperature you like. Make yourself a cup of tea or your favorite drink. Get a notebook and a pen or your computer and open a blank document.

Focus on getting yourself into a calm state where you can hear yourself. Take some deep breaths for as long as it takes until you genuinely feel calm. Now you are going to ask yourself some hard questions, one by one, and write down your answers. This is just for yourself. You never need to share what you write. Just be as honest as you possibly can be.

  • What’s your gut feeling about why your husband is acting this way?
  • How do you feel about him saying he’s doing this because you take him for granted and he’s restricted by having a family? Do you think you take him for granted any more than he takes you for granted? Or any more than you might expect to be granted by a 20+ year marriage?
  • What restrictions do you really think he means? Are they restrictions that sit outside what you understand to be a normal part of marriage and being part of a family (eg being restricted to sleeping with one person, or being obligated to show up for family events, etc)
  • Are you happy with this being your life? If your husband continues to live like this, how can you make yourself happy?
DoubleTime · 12/06/2023 23:06

Do you have the funds to book yourself a nice holiday somewhere you always fancied going? If yes, then do. Tell him the day before/morning of the day you leave . With a cheery smile and a big wave. Don't take his calls when you are away, and get yourself the break you need. Let him wonder, and see how you feel about staying with him when you get back.