Marriage in crisis due to Husband's new lifestyle changes

[Kate7418]

We are approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary, 5 sons all now adults with only one left at home. Our marriage has drifted over last 4 years and I was convinced my husband was having an affair as he works in the music business and the night time economy. He started to go to the spare room for 'quiet time'. He then decided to sleep there too. He set all his phone settings to private so you can't see when he's online. I never confronted him, just noted these changes.

We have just returned from the holiday from hell. On Day 1 he announced that in future he is changing his lifestyle. No more Mr Nice Guy with everyone, and me and the whole family take him for granted, which I admitted is partially true. He said from now on he was getting out more and doing different things and we aren't to ask where he's going or when he will be home. He proceeded to stay out until 5am on holiday, hardly speak, and made my life a complete misery where I cried alone all day.

Then we talked this new change over. I asked him if he was having an affair which he completely denied. We returned home and I've hardly seen him as he puts his new life at the exclusion of everyone into practice. After all these years of washing/ironing his clothes, making all his meals he is now making his own. He comes and goes in silence. He then said he is depressed and will see a GP. I said I will help him through it, but he is refusing my help. He is addicted to his phone, when he never used to be.

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line. I am living on edge, wondering when this axe will fall or if he will get help for his depression. He says it is not a mid life crisis but he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him. We've always had a marriage that supports the other and he goes out to pubs/clubs with me cheerily waving him on. I've never restricted him going out at all or tried to. I now feel isolated, alone and struggling to know what I can do to help him or how we can get through this. I don't want to end our 23 year marriage, but this 'new husband' is making me uneasy, unhappy and feeling on edge 24/7. What can I do?

Será solicitor , get organised and tell him you know he is having an affair and he should leave . That’s not a marriage , that’s a farce

So sorry this is happening to you OP. Your husband is being a selfish prick who's checked out of giving two shits about you. So going forward you need to gjve zero shits about him, be 'selfish' and make sure you get your individual finances sorted/legal shit together so you can get away from him.

I dunno, @pendleflyer , I’ve been married for nearly 25 years so I’m hardly an advocate for LTB every time something goes wrong. 😂

But, I have standards in how I want to be treated and if my husband had been acting like the OP’s for four years and had now completely withdrawn/was blanking me, I’d be looking to end the marriage. I won’t be treated so disrespectfully.

OP, your plan to take three months to assess the situation and sort things out on your end is a good one. The main thing to recognize is that he’s no longer your friend and not on your side anymore. I know that hurts, but that what his behavior is telling you. So get third party advice, talk to a trusted friend and look at the situation as rationally as possible. You need to do what’s best for you and your children, not your DH. 💐

He thinks he's been taken for granted, but you do the cooking, the ironing, etc while he goes out to have fun?
I'd be cutting my losses and talking to a solicitor about my options.

This. This isn't a partnership in any sense of the word, he wants to behave like that, he can do it on his own. Move on and let him have his mid life crisis by himself.

I think it's unforunate that many people can't find the guts to say 'I feel we have come to the end of the relationship, let's sort this out like adults' until they have another emotional bolthole ready to run to. I think it is far preferable to be 'off with the old love before you are on with the new' as the old saying had it.
Having said that, in the OP's OH's case, they may well not be having an affair, but it looks like they are mentally leaving without the guts to say so or do it in a practical way. That's not a great option either. It's neither one thing nor the other.

I’m sorry OP but you can’t salvage this. See a lawyer and start making plans to look out for yourself. This isn’t a rough patch.

In this situation (I’m very sorry you’re having) I would take a deep breath and take over the reigns. That is I would instigate a divorce and build a new life for myself. If you stay with him you will become a shadow of your normal self, you’ll be hoping for any crumb of positive feedback from him and you will be living on the edge everyday wondering what next, is this the day he leaves or the day he decides to be a husband again or just another day of his contempt ? Take control today before your spirit is crushed completely.

Worra cunt he is

He is having an affair.

Do people really say whole monologues I keep seeing "suggested" on here without the other person saying anything back or trying to interrupt?

Really sorry OP, it's a horrible situation but if you leave you'll only be unhappy for a while, if you stay you'll be unhappy forever

Op, if you are financially vulnerable please, please look into finances before speaking with your H about a deadline.

Get a list of all finances, mortgage, equity, pension, any savings.

My concern is that he is waiting for the youngest to turn 18 so you have no legal right to have anything other than 50% split of assets (that he chooses to reveal).

Legally you would be entitled to 50% to house yourself...if children are adults they are supposed to be independent, which isn't the reality.

Could you start looking at options for work?

I don't think you have much choice as he's backing you into a corner here

Sounds like he's working up to leaving or hoping you will end the marriage

Don’t join the long list of women screwed over because they didn’t think he was ‘like that’ and has always been a reasonable sort. You are about to see a side to him that will blow that away is my guess.

People don’t generally wake up and decide to leave there and then, they usually make a plan, get their finances together and make some decisions about the future long before they press the exit button. He is stalling for time - not to save your marriage but to be in a prime position. Use it to your advantage. Start getting prepared physically, emotionally and financially for the inevitable if you are not prepared to call time now.

Definitely get legal advice - the best you can afford. You may be in a much stronger position than you realise - I know I was convinced there was no way would be able to manage on my own but I'm better off in every way including financially. I do think relationships run their course sometimes and unless he snaps out of this I think that's the conclusion you have to draw.

He's trying to get you to precipitate the separation imo.

Vino is living in a fantasy world. He is taking an enormous piss. Kate deserves better.

I agree.

He may "have a mental health crisis going on" (though I think it highly unlikely), but even if so, by the time he has got through it you could be broken-heated, broken-spirited and just plain broke, @Kate7418 .

At the moment you are knocked sideways - of course you are - but give him even a year and he will have destroyed you. Your 3 month ultimatum is generous - stick to it. Or even shorten it if you need to.

He's trying to force you to be the one "in the wrong" so that he can take the high ground and keep the sympathy vote.

Bugger that!

Yeah I clicked on this thread expecting your husband is driving you mad with his new obsession with yoga and veganism... This is not that!

I agree with PP it is 100% time to start being the 'new you' and doing whatever you feel like all the time... Preferably after kicking him out!