Marriage in crisis due to Husband's new lifestyle changes

[Kate7418]

We are approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary, 5 sons all now adults with only one left at home. Our marriage has drifted over last 4 years and I was convinced my husband was having an affair as he works in the music business and the night time economy. He started to go to the spare room for 'quiet time'. He then decided to sleep there too. He set all his phone settings to private so you can't see when he's online. I never confronted him, just noted these changes.

We have just returned from the holiday from hell. On Day 1 he announced that in future he is changing his lifestyle. No more Mr Nice Guy with everyone, and me and the whole family take him for granted, which I admitted is partially true. He said from now on he was getting out more and doing different things and we aren't to ask where he's going or when he will be home. He proceeded to stay out until 5am on holiday, hardly speak, and made my life a complete misery where I cried alone all day.

Then we talked this new change over. I asked him if he was having an affair which he completely denied. We returned home and I've hardly seen him as he puts his new life at the exclusion of everyone into practice. After all these years of washing/ironing his clothes, making all his meals he is now making his own. He comes and goes in silence. He then said he is depressed and will see a GP. I said I will help him through it, but he is refusing my help. He is addicted to his phone, when he never used to be.

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line. I am living on edge, wondering when this axe will fall or if he will get help for his depression. He says it is not a mid life crisis but he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him. We've always had a marriage that supports the other and he goes out to pubs/clubs with me cheerily waving him on. I've never restricted him going out at all or tried to. I now feel isolated, alone and struggling to know what I can do to help him or how we can get through this. I don't want to end our 23 year marriage, but this 'new husband' is making me uneasy, unhappy and feeling on edge 24/7. What can I do?

What on earth makes you doubt his sexuality?

Is there any particular ‘best time’ to separate in terms of maximising her settlement? Should she get a job before or
after if she is seeking the maximum maintenance amount?

What maintenance?

I haven’t read the whole thread but see many are shouting affair.

To me, it doesn’t really matter whether he’s having an affair or not. He has very clearly checked out of being married. He has stopped acting like he is part of a couple, never mind a married couple. He is holding a sword of damocles over your head with his “I may leave, who knows” crap.

You don’t need to find an affair to decide it’s over, OP. I would suggest you start making some statements of your own, like “It’s clear you no longer want to be married, so when are you planning to leave?”

There is a small chance he might come to his senses if you make it very clear he can’t have it both ways. Right now he is having his single lifestyle cake but still gets to avoid the disruption of divorce.

If he doesn’t come to his senses, at least you won’t be in this awful situation, a clean break would be better than this.

Maybe this.
Not everyone who's unhappy in a marriage has to be knocking someone else off.
Could have a terminal illness and made a decision that he's going to live the rest of his life as he chooses.
Bit far fetched but possible, could be a number of different reasons but as always with MN you only hear one side of the story.

No more Mr Nice Guy with everyone, and me and the whole family take him for granted, which I admitted is partially true.

Or could even be that he's just had enough of everyone taking the piss, and by your own addmission yourself included, of being taken for granted and finally had enough.

Not by my DH but for years I'd been in the position of being taken for granted by family members no matter how many times I mentioned it my thoughts were ignored, they were literally running me into the ground.
When I finally woke up and said enough was enough they could all get lost it was looked upon by them as I had the audacity to not be at their beck and call.
It was then I realised how utterly selfish they were.

To me your DH sounds like he too has had enough of being taken for granted but is not expressing himself very well, but if he does, like you do, see yourself as one of those people doing the taking for granted telling him he has 3 months to in his eyes effectively revert back to being taken for granted of isn't going to help the situation in anyway at all.

Tin hat on here so fire away.

*What I would advise you to do op is to indulge yourself. Match his energy. Go and take up some new hobbies. Do things that bring you huge pleasure. Be selfish. Eat what you want. Embrace your new freedom.

It is a notoriously confronting time in a marriage when your dc move out and a couple who have invested so much time, focus and love look at one another and think “who are we now?”

Honestly, I don’t think your dh is doing anything wrong by breaking free a bit. I think you should do the same!*

I disagree with this. If all the DH was doing was throwing himself into new hobbies or a more lively social life then yes. But he’s gone a lot further than that - pointedly doing his own washing (but no-one else’s), saying he may leave further down the line, not speaking to the OP, moving rooms. He is showing in every way possible that he wants to be single. Except he won’t actually end the marriage as he knows it will be painful. He wants both and it’s leaving OP in a limbo.

I'm so sorry to say that he has left you.

Whether there is an affair or not, he has moved on.

The fact he's still living under the same roof is irrelevant - he's changed status from husband to housemate.

And he's done it in the most selfish disrespectful way by not telling you he's done it, and keeping you confused and distressed by his behaviour.

I would be seeing a solicitor, getting those ducks in a row, getting the house valued and looking at flats.

Time to take charge instead of being entirely under his thumb.

You don’t need to find an affair to decide it’s over, OP.
This is true, and I agree that sometimes a potential affair can distract you from the important issues - you think "Well, if I can't prove it's an affair then I can't just up and leave", even though the horrible behaviours alone are good reason for leaving. In retrospect I wish I hadn't waited so long. But like OP, I had other people telling me that the poor man was sad and I should support him. It's confusing, especially when the man himself is distracting from his own behaviour by attacking you (in this case claiming that OP has somehow trapped him and takes him for granted). You're so busy thinking about the red herrings he waves in your face that you simply have less time to consider how he is behaving.

OP, I hope you've stopped ironing his clothes.

Yes, don’t be dramatic and “throw him out”. He might want you to be the one to end things so you’re the bad guy.

Stat calm. Let the marriage be over in your head though, because it sounds like it is. Get some legal advice. Talk to a trusted friend if you are lucky enough to have one - preferably someone who has been through this and can give you proper advice and support. Detach emotionally and begin to plan your future away from him. Adjust your mindset, treat him as a flatmate for now and let things progress from there.

And yes to offering him a little holiday of his own away from the family home to find himself. You may find that you don’t miss him at all and your own head will clear.

@justanothermanicmonday1 If the house is jointly owned, she can't just kick him out

OP, you need to admit this marriage is over.

Staying and fighting will leave you feeling humiliated and drain you of confidence. You will be a shadow of yourself if you carry on like this.

They way he is treating you is reason enough to draw a line under this relationship, as painful as that may be it won't be any worse than it is now. Don't do this ' three months' thing, you are just postponing the inevitable.

The division of finances is something you should be able to sit down and work out once you both agree the marriage is over, You say you now only really have one DC that needs a roof over his head, so you should be able to get two small flats from the sale of one house that housed 5 kids and two adults.

Like everyone has said, get Lawyered up, this is a tale as old as time, they sort these things out blindfolded.

A new life for you awaits, you can start a career . You will need to work but the independence that will give you will be exhilarating.

I really like the idea of getting your fucks in a row!

An appointment with a family solicitor will help you to work out entitlement and a way forward if/when you decide the marriage is over for you. I would urge you to do this sooner rather than later. It gives you your options.

Totally agree.

He’s separating emotionally, forcing your hand.
play him at his own game, take control, you call the shots and tell him to leave

Go see a Solicitor ASAP and find out what your situation and finances would look like if/when you split. I can guarantee your husband has already done this and is already looking at his options, potentially hiding money/assets away from you. Don’t be left behind.

You know what to do. Read your OP and think what you’d tell a friend.

Sadly sounds like he's decided he doesn't want the marriage anymore but doesn't have the backbone to end it. Really unfair on you. Put your own happiness and mental health first and tell him you would like a break from the marriage to decide what kind of future you want. Ask him to kindly move out during that time. I would also start looking into a solicitor and having a think about the legal side of a divorce as I think it's unlikely he will go back to the person he was before. Sending best wishes and good luck.

Life is too short to settle for being treated badly by someone who needs to sort their own head out

He says it is not a mid life crisis but he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him. He says it's not a midlife crisis but then goes on to define a midlife crisis...

Whatever the outcome, you need to be able to stand on your own two feet - you really can't help with this. He'll either leave or come round and return to the relationship, but you trying to get in whatever crisis this is will not help and might just push him away.

I'd be protecting yourself financially by seeing a lawyer. Protecting yourself emotionally by finding things to do that make you feel good and working out what a life without him would look like.

Whether he is having an affair or not, you won't solve this by crying and trying to appease him. Invite him to move out and let you know if he decides to grow up and behave towards you with some respect. You can't then lose either way.

I think he deliberately waited when kids have grown up so he can leave the OP with next to nothing. I've heard this before. OP, you really need to go and see a solicitor!! if he worked all his life and you have been raising his kids you are still quite vulnerable financially despite the fact you can have 1/2 of everyhting you two own.

everyone who is here advocating for the husband - yes, poor man, evil wife went and had 5 (five!) children all by herself and they all have been "taking him for granted" - translation: expected him to provide for the family and to chip in at home. Man are funny creatures...

>>Time to take charge instead of being entirely under his thumb.

This place never continues to amaze me with its LTB knee jerk reactions.

Didn't you read the OP's own:

>>No more Mr Nice Guy with everyone, and me and the whole family take him for granted, which I admitted is partially true.

??

Not criticising you OP - in fact will hold fire on any advice for now clearly somewhat complicated.

It's not always an affair- can often be that they would like to be in a position to do as they please and often have single friends they envy- but they don't have the guts to end the marriage and are hedging their bets

What can I do?

Put yourself first, start making your own life - visit friends, go on holiday alone as that sounds a better option than travelling with your dh. Take up hobbies that you've put off due to the ds

Get a shit hot lawyer. Given your career has suffered as you've been bringing up your children, enabling his career, that should be reflected in the divorce settlement. Good luck.