Marriage in crisis due to Husband's new lifestyle changes

[Kate7418]

We are approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary, 5 sons all now adults with only one left at home. Our marriage has drifted over last 4 years and I was convinced my husband was having an affair as he works in the music business and the night time economy. He started to go to the spare room for 'quiet time'. He then decided to sleep there too. He set all his phone settings to private so you can't see when he's online. I never confronted him, just noted these changes.

We have just returned from the holiday from hell. On Day 1 he announced that in future he is changing his lifestyle. No more Mr Nice Guy with everyone, and me and the whole family take him for granted, which I admitted is partially true. He said from now on he was getting out more and doing different things and we aren't to ask where he's going or when he will be home. He proceeded to stay out until 5am on holiday, hardly speak, and made my life a complete misery where I cried alone all day.

Then we talked this new change over. I asked him if he was having an affair which he completely denied. We returned home and I've hardly seen him as he puts his new life at the exclusion of everyone into practice. After all these years of washing/ironing his clothes, making all his meals he is now making his own. He comes and goes in silence. He then said he is depressed and will see a GP. I said I will help him through it, but he is refusing my help. He is addicted to his phone, when he never used to be.

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line. I am living on edge, wondering when this axe will fall or if he will get help for his depression. He says it is not a mid life crisis but he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him. We've always had a marriage that supports the other and he goes out to pubs/clubs with me cheerily waving him on. I've never restricted him going out at all or tried to. I now feel isolated, alone and struggling to know what I can do to help him or how we can get through this. I don't want to end our 23 year marriage, but this 'new husband' is making me uneasy, unhappy and feeling on edge 24/7. What can I do?

The poor dear feels trapped - I'm breaking my heart for him.

I honestly think your marriage is over - he's just playing games with you. I am so sorry you are going through this - how dare he!

OP, my heart goes out to you, what a rotter your DH has become. You say you have drifted apart for 4 years, have your sons noticed the change in their dad?
Some previous posters have mentioned it looks like another woman has turned his head, it may be a man. I'm surprised he agreed to a holiday, when he treats you with such contempt.
I've no advice other than please see a solicitor as soon as possible, his behaviour should be recorded in legal speak to help you get what you are entitled to. Your heart feels like it's breaking right now, but make sure you take him to the cleaners.

This and don’t demand an explanation - just act totally indifferent and shrug

I wouldn't be wasting any more time on your soon to be ex husband. He's checked out and his vile treatment of you and your children is degrading and demeaning and you absolutely do not have to put up with it. Time to start getting ducks in a row and file for divorce. Gather as much info as you can re finances / pensions/ mortgage etc and book yourself in with a solicitor. Also might be an idea to get a health check with your GP or GUM clinic. If he has cheated then he has potentially compromised your health. Tell the scumbag you won't put up with his behaviour and if he no longer wants to be part of the family he can leave.

Perfect....except that you don't actually have the right to make him leave his home.

I don't want to end our 23 year marriage

What do you mean? It has ended.

How can you not want to take some control of the situation?

The more you sit there taking what he’s dishing out, the less he likes or respects you. And the more shit he dishes out. I mean, you can see how his treatment of you is just getting worse and worse.

The marriage is over. Show him who’s boss for once.

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line.

Oh. So he expects you to hang around on tenterhooks for weeks, months or possibly even years while he pisses around making his mind up about whether he wants to stay with you or not?

Stuff that for a game of soldiers. To be honest, you need to tell him he has to move out and once he has made his mind up, you will then let him know whether you actually want him back or not. Take control, don't give him all the cards.

I don’t like the sound of the lifestyle changes. What was he doing on holiday until 5 am? Presumably he didn’t have something arranged, he was on a fishing trip. Who knows what he hooked?

You want to have a look at Tinsel Angel s threads.

He is being awful.
Don't put up with it.
See a solicitor
Next time he tries this shit, just say "that's nice, dear", and get the divorce petition started.
You - and your kids - deserve far, far better.

What have you done or not done to make him feel taken forgranted?

and yes a new lifestyle would be a health kick or career change or similar. It would not be living like a bachelor whilst a married team

Time to get divorced and stop taking him for granted, and rely on your own finances, instead of his, don't blame him really.

There are hundreds of husbands like this on dating apps.

They don't want to lose their assets but they want hot sex.

It's revolting.

I think he’s trying to get you to leave him so he doesn’t have to be the one who did the leaving.

You should leave him. He’s horrible.

He's left the marriage, physically and mentally, and is treating you with cruelty and contempt. Find your fury and your dignity, OP, and divorce his sorry arse.

He having an affair sorry to say. Get your ducks in a row.

OP please don't model to your DCs that this is an acceptable way to behave in a marriage. Call a halt now.

He doesn't get to call all the shots, pull all the strings. Please don't wait around to see if he changes back, or until he decides he's met someone else and is leaving, or until he decides he's going to divorce you. Stand up for yourself and take the reins. You say you don't want to end the marriage, but he already has. he's made it clear that there is no longer a marriage or a relationship. The home is just somewhere convenient to sleep and have a shower.

Tell him it's over.

No, he doesn't get to be the one in charge! He's acting like a teenager, and he's all about me, me, me. Take control, he needs to get shot of this adolescent daydream sharpish and focus his mind on what he stands to lose.

If you pander to his 'depression' he gets a free pass to piss on you and your family values from a great height whilst the new version of your once loving husband wafts about looking for someone more interesting who wont demand he undertakes adult responsibilities. He wont respect you for your loving concern (personal experience) so don't waste your time. Be businesslike.

Communicate to him as clearly as possible that his behaviour is unacceptable and if he continues in this vein then he will give you the ick, and you wont be remotely worried about missing him when you boot him out. I have read a lot about mid life crisis in men as well as experienced it. It is a form of depression but there is very little you can do about it Im afraid. The only thing is to go along with their new changes. However it sounds too late for that and like he has already checked out/had his head turned sadly.

Im not sure you can do anything unless, and until, you can change the power dynamic back to being in your favour. And this is shit for you, he would have to lick my boots daily for a year to convince me that he was even worth being married to after everything he is putting you through.

With the sad voice of personal experience, I would cut my losses and dump him first. Long term its a cleaner break and less painful for you. He's likely to try to come back a few months after his eviction from the marriage, when reality has started to filter into his brain, but hopefully by then you'll be out dancing every night and not care. Such a painful time, I really feel for you.

Just don't lose your sense of who you are or your dignity in this drama that he has brought into your lives. You need to claw back his respect if you can as playing it that way will help you maintain your self respect. Sometimes men are just so totally shit and quite honestly, if they turn out to behave like this, then you will be dodging a bullet. xx

Could it be the manopause or whatever they call it now? Midlife hormone changes, leads to depression, changes in behaviour, moodiness

I'd join him. I'd start going out, doing things that are just for you because you feel like it. Make new friends or spend more time with old ones and make a life for yourself that you enjoy separately to him. I'd see a solicitor as others have suggested and I'd get your ducks in a row financially etc so that if you did need to leave or end things then you know you've the option and how you'd do it if you decide to later on. It may be an affair so tbh I'd get a sexual health check up to make sure all is good your end. But it also could be that he is depressed and struggling. But it's up to him to address that and take responsibility for it and how he's acting. Its up to you how long you're willing to wait and support him until you've had enough. If at any point communication opens up enough you feel able, I'd tell him that you accept he's telling you he's having a hard time and you are willing to be supportive but you need to agree some boundaries together because his behaviour lately is hurting you and it can't continue. Then I'd try to agree something since at the moment everything is on his terms and he's treating you terribly. If he can't show you basic respect and stick to the agreement then he needs to move out until he can be more respectful.

I'm sorry you're going through this op it sounds awful and you don't deserve it. If you decided to leave right now then you wouldn't be unreasonable.

EVERYTHING in his behavior screams, "I AM CHEATING!" If it is not yet physical, it will be, and sooner rather than later. Or perhaps he is clearing the way to cheat without remorse, so he can tell some idiot woman, "Oh, we have a dead marriage." Now or later, makes no difference, in my book. First thing to ask yourself is, "Do I want to continue to live this life?" If the answer is "no," see a solicitor. If you even think "maybe," remind yourself that he is utterly unwilling to try to change or make things better. It is, in his view, "My way or the highway." Personally, I found "the highway" to be very liberating, and took myself places that I'd only ever dreamed of while married, both physically and mentally/emotionally.

And after 23 years together, OF COURSE you take him partially for granted. It is normal. Not something to beat yourself up over. x

So treating his wife and family like shit is ok then?

He's been planning and thinking for a long time @Kate7418 but he's just announcing it now - it makes me wonder if his OW was on holiday in the same destination?
He's a total cheeky cunt acting in this high handed way. Tell him you want to end it now and move on separately. Don't be afraid of your future. Anything has to be better than this knob.

He's trying to make it your fault. Like he's just woken up to how shit his life has been for years, poor him. You can guarantee that he didn't realise his life was shit (it wasn't of course) until OW rocked up and would have never thought his life was shit if she hadn't of rocked up.

He'll tell you he's suicidal next.

Cripes OP this sounds awful - I'm so sorry.

My sister was on holiday/business with her partner in Ibiza last year, with two male friends of her DP. The friends were senior music industry executives with supposedly loving families, but both used prostitutes regularly on that holiday. My sister was struggling to look them in the eye by the end of it.