Marriage in crisis due to Husband's new lifestyle changes

[Kate7418]

We are approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary, 5 sons all now adults with only one left at home. Our marriage has drifted over last 4 years and I was convinced my husband was having an affair as he works in the music business and the night time economy. He started to go to the spare room for 'quiet time'. He then decided to sleep there too. He set all his phone settings to private so you can't see when he's online. I never confronted him, just noted these changes.

We have just returned from the holiday from hell. On Day 1 he announced that in future he is changing his lifestyle. No more Mr Nice Guy with everyone, and me and the whole family take him for granted, which I admitted is partially true. He said from now on he was getting out more and doing different things and we aren't to ask where he's going or when he will be home. He proceeded to stay out until 5am on holiday, hardly speak, and made my life a complete misery where I cried alone all day.

Then we talked this new change over. I asked him if he was having an affair which he completely denied. We returned home and I've hardly seen him as he puts his new life at the exclusion of everyone into practice. After all these years of washing/ironing his clothes, making all his meals he is now making his own. He comes and goes in silence. He then said he is depressed and will see a GP. I said I will help him through it, but he is refusing my help. He is addicted to his phone, when he never used to be.

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line. I am living on edge, wondering when this axe will fall or if he will get help for his depression. He says it is not a mid life crisis but he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him. We've always had a marriage that supports the other and he goes out to pubs/clubs with me cheerily waving him on. I've never restricted him going out at all or tried to. I now feel isolated, alone and struggling to know what I can do to help him or how we can get through this. I don't want to end our 23 year marriage, but this 'new husband' is making me uneasy, unhappy and feeling on edge 24/7. What can I do?

I love this post . This exactly.

sorry you are going through this he has checked out . He is making no attempts to save the marriage - he is also not depressed

I never say this, but in this case there is only one option:

LTB

Be strategic and get sight of all financial information (and evidence of adultery if poss) before letting him know you’re ‘setting him free’.

This.
He IS cheating.
This is exactly how my ex acted, he just became an arsehole and carefully managed what I was allowed to know.
I'd be getting my ducks in a row.
Sorry x

Well you either accept this death by a thousand cuts, still clinging on until he decides it’s over.

Or you tell him to fuck off and get lawyered up.

Strange no replies to posts.

God what a stressful situation for you. This is heartbreaking I can see. You’re clearly very very invested in your marriage and have tried so hard to support him over the years. I personally just don’t think he deserves you though. Not in any shape or form. Please don’t loose sight of your own value and of how wonderful you are in the mire of all this. It’s his problem and that means the problem is with him. He’s lost sight of all the good things in his life that being in a constant long established couple can bring. Probably because it’s so easy to take it all for granted. If I were you I would focus all my emotional energy on loving your children and also maybe find new interests. Tell him if he can open his eyes and see you and your family for all the good things and not just the bad then you’ll reinvest yourself in the marriage too. Until then though you can’t let him bring you down too. There’s a whole other generation who can use your love, support and devotion. You have a wonderful life ahead of you if you can just put yourself first. Only put your emotional energy in a place where it will be appreciated and valued. Start with the boys. Hopefully they’ll have good suggestions of things to do too. Sending lots of love and strength your way x

It’s scary, you probably don’t want to give up and think you’re throwing away the love you both once had. You’re not, he’s thrown that away. He’s done and now using you until he is ready to go. It’s over.
hard as it is you have to be ruthless, you’ll wish you had been once this is over and you’ll look back and wish you’d given what he wants sooner
All that’s happening now is him having his cake an eating it. Watching you suffer? You want someone like that? You want someone who clearly doesn’t want the same back? Hoping he’ll “come around”
You will only find peace when you take control, you’ll thank yourself and save yourself from so much more heartbreak

I think to end that walking on eggshells feeling, YOU need to take control, i stead of waiting for him to decide what he wants and let you know, you need to decide what you're worth, and how you wish to be treated and act accordingly.

So sorry OP, he sounds like an arsehole!!

Whatever the reason for his behaviour, leave him. Right now he takes you 100% for granted as he thinks you're an option. That will always end the worst for you.

Take charge, and remove yourself completely as an option. He asked for it, so he should get what he asked for and face the consequences - family life is over now, because he said that's what he wanted - and he's on his own. That will shock him into facing reality and at the very least remove this daily shitty behaviour from your life.

She was busy raising children.
Are you the husband by any chance?
I hope she goes for and gets as much as possible.

Really awful for you OP, so upsetting.

You can’t make him change his feelings and if he has checked out of family life and your marriage, he has.

Would he respond to a calm explanation that you understand this and if he feels ‘trapped’ you will understand if he is leaving the relationship. Tell him that you know you each have to take responsibility for your own happiness. But currently his behaviour is very painful for you and whilst he is establishing his own happiness you are left hanging because if his lack of openness.

Do you think he could have started a gay relationship? And been going to gay venues on hol?

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line.

My exH said something similar and I wasted over a year trying to work on the marriage. My confidence and self esteem plummeted and I became a shadow of my former self. It was all for nothing as he was having an affair.

I’m glad to be shot of him and happier now, back to the person I was. My biggest regret is not seeing what was staring me in the face and kicking him out when he said those words. Unfortunately I had not found mumsnet at this point as the ladies on here would have put me straight immediately. Listen to what everyone is saying. Take control, you won’t regret it.

Sounds like he is trying to have his cake and eat it.

If he fucks off and rents his own flat he can keep what hours he likes then, can't he? But while you live with family you have a responsibility to let them know where you are and what time you'll be in.

Do encourage the counselling. He could be depressed.
Announce your own new beginning and choose some past times that really interest you. Do not do any of the house hold chores for DH as his new life should include looking after his own meals, clothing etc.
Is there a chance of DH developing alzheimers etc?
Your sons must also be very worried. Remember to have lovely outings with them.

Awfully upsetting but you are getting good advice.

Get yourself organised.

I would take it he has met a woman or man and is intending to suit himself until he makes his mind up.

He no longer cares about you so definitely get an STD test.

Start organising your finances by getting copies of your finances.

I too would take it he has been planning this for a while.

Tell family and friends the truth.

Dont isolate yourself further by hiding from people who care about you, what is really going on.

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line.

He has already checked out of the marriage. He has ended it in his mind. He is currently looking for a new girlfriend and just stringing you along as a place to live and to mother his children for him, while he squirrels away money and plans his new life without you. He is banking on the fact that you are blind to what is going on and will not end the relationship in the mean time. This man is totally taking you for a ride but you can tell him no. Stand up to the bully who thinks he’s calling all the shots. Tell him he needs to move out and decide what he wants to do with his life. He either goes his own way or he comes back and makes an effort to rekindle your marriage and be partners. He is probably thinking that he can string you along like this until the youngest is 18 and then he will be able to keep more of the money. Do not let him take you for a fool.

How long is it until your youngest turns 18?

If he wants separate lives, then why not sell the house and part company.

My exh did these things. I snooped and here are reasons:

stay out until 5am on holiday

• missing his gf and unable to talk to her during the day so phoned when I was not there

go to the spare room for 'quiet time'

• ditto, chatting to gf - see also phone privacy settings

hardly speak

• he was vilifying me towards his gf, making me out to be a bitch, and believed his own story. When you're being nasty to someone, you have to believe they deserve it, or you would be the nasty one. And it's hard to be cheery with someone you are cheating on.

said he is depressed

• partly because her dh found out and she called it off for a while, so he was sad - partly just explaining his vile behaviour in a way that made him a poor misunderstood victim if I asked whether he'd had his head turned

Don't put up with it for too long as it does your head in.

Thank you for all the kind messages and words of support. I truly appreciate what people are saying and have taken time to think about and reflect on what you are all saying.

At this stage I am willing after 23 years to make an effort to save our marriage. Our youngest son, still at home knows how much his dad has changed and has confronted him about his behaviour. He sees how a normally feisty mum who at one time had 6 men in the house surrounding her, is now subdued and sad.

Having read your messages I am going to speak with my husband, setting out my time limit of 3 months tops for my changes, or our marriage will end. I will not let him make me walk on egg shells any longer around him. Financially he has the upper hand as I have raised the 5 children and been a carer for elderly parents until recently. I am unable to take on the house mortgage and bills on my own, and there simply isn't enough in the house if we sold it to buy 2 separate properties. This frightens me greatly.

Your messages have put the fight back in me. I thank you so much for that. I need to reconfigure my side of things and stand up for myself.

Of course then he wanted to come back but by that time I didn't want him back so I said no.

GOOD!

The number of women I've known who have taken arseholes men back because of pressure from their children or other family members, or even church communities is ridiculous.

Well done on putting yourself and your own mental health first.

Having read your messages I am going to speak with my husband, setting out my time limit of 3 months tops for my changes, or our marriage will end

Use those 3 months to prepare for the worst, then @Kate7418 - then you won't be caught napping.

That seems like a good idea. During these three months you also have time to prepare yourself if you were going to divorce. For example try to find a job if you don't have one, check up on finances and important papers.

I think this too. He is making you miserable. You don't deserve that. He's checked out of your marriage and is considering an affair if he is not already having one. He's screaming I want to be single at you. Shutting himself away from you and making his own meal.