Marriage in crisis due to Husband's new lifestyle changes

[Kate7418]

We are approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary, 5 sons all now adults with only one left at home. Our marriage has drifted over last 4 years and I was convinced my husband was having an affair as he works in the music business and the night time economy. He started to go to the spare room for 'quiet time'. He then decided to sleep there too. He set all his phone settings to private so you can't see when he's online. I never confronted him, just noted these changes.

We have just returned from the holiday from hell. On Day 1 he announced that in future he is changing his lifestyle. No more Mr Nice Guy with everyone, and me and the whole family take him for granted, which I admitted is partially true. He said from now on he was getting out more and doing different things and we aren't to ask where he's going or when he will be home. He proceeded to stay out until 5am on holiday, hardly speak, and made my life a complete misery where I cried alone all day.

Then we talked this new change over. I asked him if he was having an affair which he completely denied. We returned home and I've hardly seen him as he puts his new life at the exclusion of everyone into practice. After all these years of washing/ironing his clothes, making all his meals he is now making his own. He comes and goes in silence. He then said he is depressed and will see a GP. I said I will help him through it, but he is refusing my help. He is addicted to his phone, when he never used to be.

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line. I am living on edge, wondering when this axe will fall or if he will get help for his depression. He says it is not a mid life crisis but he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him. We've always had a marriage that supports the other and he goes out to pubs/clubs with me cheerily waving him on. I've never restricted him going out at all or tried to. I now feel isolated, alone and struggling to know what I can do to help him or how we can get through this. I don't want to end our 23 year marriage, but this 'new husband' is making me uneasy, unhappy and feeling on edge 24/7. What can I do?

Just a thought - have you ever wondered about his sexuality, OP?

OP you know is behaviour is not acceptable, you know you are worth more than this. It is time to sit him down and tell him he either stops acting like a single man or you will divorce him, and mean it. He is making a total fool out of you, don't allow it any longer.

You need to make an appointment to see a solicitor to work out what you might be left with if you divorce. Take a bank statement and any pension statements for you both. Don't tell him yet. You will feel better once you take control of the situation. I divorced my exh after 22 years and it was the best decision of my life. It took all my strength to do and at the time I felt terrible like a failure. I was the first in my family to seek a divorce and my Mum was shocked. Once it was over I rebuilt my life. I was very lucky as most of our joint friends remained friends with me and stopped inviting him to things. He had an affair and I divorced him. His affair ended after about a month after I kicked him out. He begged to come back but I just remembered all the times he must have lied to me about where he was so refused. You need to gather your strength for what's ahead.

He was having an affair then my guess is she sacked him off because he went on holiday with his wife. Which probably showed her that his cries of ‘we are just together for the kids’ was bollocks.
The only thing his marriage and family stopped him being able to freely do is shag around. He wants to do this. If you’re okay with that then tell him he is free to do as he pleases. It might save the marriage. If I was you I’d be applying for a divorce.

If it does come to divorce, raising children and looking after parents should be taken into account when things are divided financially. If you put your career on hold to do childcare it enabled your DH's career to progress as he didn't have to leave early for school pickups, take time off to cover sick days and half terms. Not to mention the huge saving in childcare costs. Looking after parents involves time off to go to doctor's and hospital appointments, cleaning, shopping, running errands, taking on arranging people to fix the boiler or other house 'stuff', just providing companionship. Care organizations would charge £27 an hour for that. What you did had a lot of value to the family, don't let it go for nothing.

When XH's behaviour changed and he left, I tried to fight for my marriage, but XH had already checked out and that was that. You can't fight for it if they don't want to. XH wouldn't even consider counselling. Our DD had just turned 4yo.

As so many PP have said, your DH has already checked out. I went through the whole "walking on eggshells" trying to keep him happy and be the perfect wife, but it was pointless as he didn't want to be here.

You need to make your own decisions, you can't wait around for him to decide what he wants. My XH was saying "oh I might feel differently in 3 or 6 months who knows" while texting another woman and claiming that there was nothing going on (they are now married).

As much as I didn't want the marriage to end, I couldn't sit around waiting for him to pick me when it was clear that he had already picked her.

Whatever is going on with your DH, you need to take control of your own life and make your own decisions. Get some financial advice, you could be entitled to half his pension etc, so depending on values and equity etc he may choose to walk away with that and let you keep the house . There are various options, but you need to be prepared mentally and financially for whatever happens next.

He could be depressed, but his behaviour particularly with his phone, suggest that there is somebody else involved. I know that is not what you want to hear, but so many of us have been there done that.

He's having a mid-life crisis it sounds like to me. Possibly an affair but my first gut instinct on reading your post was more a complete mid-life crisis - rejection of all things previous including lifestyle norms, erratic behaviour, doing things a younger person might do in their teens or early 20's (staying out until the early morning.) Asking everyone to back off and accept the new him - this screamed a big mid-life crisis to me, as a pose to an affair. Coupled with the fact that he's vocalised he's feeling depressed - that can often run alongside a mid-life crisis. He could be, for all his bravado and dickhead behaviour, in a very vulnerable state. He needs to go to the GP to sort out the depression firstly as this is something he has talked to you about. I wouldn't throw in the towel yet, although his behaviour is ridiculous he does sound as though he's in turmoil and not thinking straight.

Don't give up on your marriage yet - you may be able to help him. He's got a mental health crisis going on.

Oh no really feel for you. Classic mid-life crisis! Does he want a motorbike as well?

I could read the entire thread but - meh. You have supported him all these years with cooking, washing and ironing and he has... done bugger all?

Leave.

Sounds like OP is understandably giving
it one last shot not just for emotional reasons but for pragmatic ones too. How much longer will the youngest be living at home?

Can someone please advise when they say ‘ducks in a row’, exactly what they mean, step by step. Not just ‘find bank statements’ but do you notify the bank and put a halt to any large withdrawals? What documents does she need and why?

Is there any particular ‘best time’ to separate in terms of maximising her settlement? Should she get a job before or
after if she is seeking the maximum maintenance amount?

Sorry to sound impersonal but OP should be equipped with the right financial advice before she gives DP a deadline. Yes she could and should go to a solicitor but is there a crib sheet she can look at now before spending money on the advice?

People always like to think this - it's a natural wife reaction - when in actually they are selfish bastards.

I think it’s a mistake to try and do anything op. I know it’s a very painful period of time for you and the temptation is to try and pin him down but either he will come through this period of turmoil or he won’t.

What I would advise you to do op is to indulge yourself. Match his energy. Go and take up some new hobbies. Do things that bring you huge pleasure. Be selfish. Eat what you want. Embrace your new freedom.

It is a notoriously confronting time in a marriage when your dc move out and a couple who have invested so much time, focus and love look at one another and think “who are we now?”

Honestly, I don’t think your dh is doing anything wrong by breaking free a bit. I think you should do the same! What your dh should have done though is communicated properly and spoken to you about how he is feeling. But so many men are avoidant emotionally speaking and go and “do” rather than speak.

Good luck op! I hope it works out for you both.

You can ask for a freeze to be put on joint bank accounts. I did this as my H went AWOL for a while. I did take money out before that to see me though. In retrospect I realise my H had been drawing out lump sums of cash for a while.

The rest https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/how-to-protect-your-finances-during-separation-if-you-were-living-together#:~:text=Ask%20your%20bank%20to%20change,agree%20to%20%27unfreeze%27%20it.

I came to say the opposite.

I would spend the next three months planning for the worst case scenario, where you will live and how you are going to manage. Look in to paid work. I would take a look through all of the accounts in microscopic detail.

Maybe a private investigator too and seek solid dependable legal advice.

I would not sit and hope for the best under any circumstances, or assume he will snap out of his so called mental health crisis. He could very well be very calculated about his departure, and is busy preparing the ground leaving you to ‘fight’ for the marriage and waste your energy and time on this, rather than facing up to reality. If this is ever going to work he has to meet you half way, putting in 50% of the effort.

Don’t be naive where he is concerned. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

You described him as a stranger and that is precisely what he is now. Protect yourself at all costs.

I believe a lot of women think like this initially. Don't give in though to sunk cost fallacy or fear of the future.

Sorry that was referring to the 23 years plus marriage.

I'd see a solicitor about a divorce. You cannot allow him to treat you this way. He cannot behave as a single man, when he is in fact, not. Better you split now, than when you're too old to be able too.

I am sorry you are in this situation. There is likely to be a woman in the wings.

Have you read about the 180? It’s worth a google.

I would explain to him something like this : ‘I love you and our marriage. I want nothing more than to keep our family together. I want to grown old with you and share my life with you. But I have realised you leaving and us divorcing is preferable to our current situation.
What you need to understand is that at some point I will no longer want to work on our marriage, at the moment I still do. Once again I love you and want us to work. But you don’t seem to want that so we need a plan as to how separating and divorce is going to look. This has obviously been on your mind for a while what are your suggestions?’

S/he that cares least wins. Strangely This is your best chance of saving your marriage. Stop being an option. Let him face reality, the life he wants. Stop being the bad guy that is stopping him having his amazing life outside your family.

He is in the fog of an affair. You are the bad guy. You need to 180 for yourself. He is creeping and sneaking around in the dark no doubt with another low value individual. To make himself feel better about his poor choices he has to vilify you.

Remember if this transpires to be an affair there is nothing you have done to cause it. If you were that powerful you would have stopped it happening. Plus you feel like shit now but your first thought isn’t ‘oh I’m going to look for a man to shag’. Throwing a grenade doesn’t heal marriage problems.

I wish you all the best.

His 'lifestyle change' is him living like he was a single man again.

I wouldn't say he's definitely having an affair - I myself am quite capable of staying out until 5am without any such shennanigans - but he's remaking his life without his wife or family in it. So there's not much point hanging in there, may as well cut your losses and move on. Which I know is really hard after 23 years and I am so sorry.

Get copies of all the finances now before you talk to him. You need his pension info, bank statements etc.

Bluntly speaking, he can't miss you if you are hanging around.

If you want to save the marriage it won't happen if he thinks that you are patiently waiting for him to get this out of his system and come home. So make him worry he's going to lose you. And that means not tolerating his crap.

Right now he thinks he's got all the options and you think you've none.

That's why he's ended the marriage in every way except officially - which means that if his alternative life goes tits up, he can always come back to you and say he never said he was ending the marriage. But his actions show you that he has done that already. He's just propped the door open to slide back in pretending he hasn't torpedoed your life at a later stage.

So now, if you aren't respecting your own self worth, he's not going to. Pull the rug from under him. Instigate a separated-under-the-same-roof lifestyle. Make it clear that the rules that apply to him also now apply to you. Go out and do your own thing and let him wonder who you are with. And meanwhile, speak to a solicitor to see what your financial situation actually might be.

Good plan with the 12 week deadline Op. Your younger son will have told the older ones what's going down, too, so DH (well, H) is now starting to have to face some consequences already. Do use this 12 weeks to backpocket a good lawyer and get all the financial and other info you need, in case you need it when the time comes.

Honestly being in limbo is worse than a bad outcome sometimes. This might be the hardest part you're facing right now. No matter what, you'll have a great future ahead. And you're setting a great example to your son's, about people having to face the consequences of their actions, how women should be treated with respect, etc.

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He's refusing OP's help.

OP has got a crisis going on, too. She's crying all day. She described herself as isolated, alone and struggling, uneasy, unhappy and feeling on edge 24/7, subdued, sad, and frightened about the future. Her husband is doing the very opposite of trying to help her. She needs to look out for herself.

We don't know what he's doing. But note that when they are having affairs, one key reason people don't react faster is that each of the individual actions - staying out late, greater phone privacy, losing weight, acting weird - each one, on its own, can be explained in some other plausible way. So you give them the benefit of the doubt. You think "I'd better not do anything rash". And you suffer for months or years, or give in and snoop (something that other people often don't understand at all).