Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage in crisis due to Husband's new lifestyle changes

219 replies

Kate7418 · 12/06/2023 19:06

We are approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary, 5 sons all now adults with only one left at home. Our marriage has drifted over last 4 years and I was convinced my husband was having an affair as he works in the music business and the night time economy. He started to go to the spare room for 'quiet time'. He then decided to sleep there too. He set all his phone settings to private so you can't see when he's online. I never confronted him, just noted these changes.

We have just returned from the holiday from hell. On Day 1 he announced that in future he is changing his lifestyle. No more Mr Nice Guy with everyone, and me and the whole family take him for granted, which I admitted is partially true. He said from now on he was getting out more and doing different things and we aren't to ask where he's going or when he will be home. He proceeded to stay out until 5am on holiday, hardly speak, and made my life a complete misery where I cried alone all day.

Then we talked this new change over. I asked him if he was having an affair which he completely denied. We returned home and I've hardly seen him as he puts his new life at the exclusion of everyone into practice. After all these years of washing/ironing his clothes, making all his meals he is now making his own. He comes and goes in silence. He then said he is depressed and will see a GP. I said I will help him through it, but he is refusing my help. He is addicted to his phone, when he never used to be.

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line. I am living on edge, wondering when this axe will fall or if he will get help for his depression. He says it is not a mid life crisis but he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him. We've always had a marriage that supports the other and he goes out to pubs/clubs with me cheerily waving him on. I've never restricted him going out at all or tried to. I now feel isolated, alone and struggling to know what I can do to help him or how we can get through this. I don't want to end our 23 year marriage, but this 'new husband' is making me uneasy, unhappy and feeling on edge 24/7. What can I do?

OP posts:
GCalltheway · 12/06/2023 20:02

He needs to move out today. I would not be tolerating this. Depressives do not party to 5am op. He is stringing you a long in case plan A doesn’t work out.

Seek legal advice and close down everything you share together. Take him at his word. He will either panic and save the marriage, or he will accept it. His treatment alone of you makes me sad. There is very little love left to save op.

Smooshface · 12/06/2023 20:05

If you put up with this shitty behaviour then there is no chance it will stop - your are currently showing him what he can get away with. Do not let him do this to you for one more minute.

My ex had a similar thing during his affair. Finally booted him out once i had concrete evidence. He was begging to return a month later after he found out the grass wasn't actually greener. I wish I'd kicked him out when i first found things out, might have had a chance to patch things up, but after letting myself be treated like shit for 8 months the damage was done, can't forgive him.

Highandlows · 12/06/2023 20:13

Like men often do he is playing that game to make you mad so that you ask for a divorce. Then he will agree to the divorce but blame you for it.

May be give him space while you get your things ready. Honestly, let go so that you focus on what will make you happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2023 20:13

He needs to move out today. I would not be tolerating this. Depressives do not party to 5am op. He is stringing you a long in case plan A doesn’t work out.

Absolutely. The way he has treated you is reprehensible. Everything the fucker owns would be in bin bags on the kerb if I were you. How fucking dare he treat you like this?

GCalltheway · 12/06/2023 20:18

Highandlows · 12/06/2023 20:13

Like men often do he is playing that game to make you mad so that you ask for a divorce. Then he will agree to the divorce but blame you for it.

May be give him space while you get your things ready. Honestly, let go so that you focus on what will make you happy.

What difference does it make if he blames whoever?! It is immaterial, she is being treated very badly that is a good enough reason right there.

Op needs to take control now, he can still save his marriage if he wants to, but what she will be doing is drawing a boundary around her expectations of their marriage, his behaviour and the respectful nature that is not negotiable.

SeanDanielorBalonz · 12/06/2023 20:18

Ugh, I want to give you a hug. What a horrid thing to do to you. You're mourning the loss of your marriage and your life partner. It will feel really shit for a while. But I agree with others, you would be better alone than with this terrible 'new man'. I wonder what your sons think of his behaviour, too.

WateryDoom · 12/06/2023 20:23

justanothermanicmonday1 · 12/06/2023 19:27

I'd just respond by saying.

"Well that's absolutely fine. If you want your freedom then go for it, I'm not stopping you nor am I asking any questions. And to be frank with you, DH, I no longer care. You have 90 days to find a new place to stay, as this house I call my home is not a revolving door for your comings and going's, and I'll also be seeing a lawyer to discuss divorce proceedings. It's a shame it's had to end this way after 23 lovely years together and 5 beautiful children, however I deserve better than this treatment. Enjoy your life, and I'll enjoy mine now I'm finally setting myself free"

Then walk out, and go and have a large glass of wine.

This is perfect. Calm, dignified and very clear.

He's an utter piss-taker. You don't get to treat your family like dirt, refuse to say where you are or when you are coming home and insist that this is a 'lifestyle change'.

Fuck. That. Shit.

I wouldn't accept that level of disrespect from my 18 year old son. Never mind my husband of 23 years.

MumblesParty · 12/06/2023 20:26

He’s been having an affair and she’s now ended it, so he’s feeling fed up and wants to change his life to enable him to meet someone else.

olympicsrock · 12/06/2023 20:29

How awful ! Whatever is going on , he is treating you like shit. You also deserve to be happy. You cannot support him at the detriment of your own happiness.

Let him move out, sort himself out and then come home if he can love and treat you with respect. Please don’t bend over backwards to do the pick me dance. My mum did for 18 months - it was so painful to watch. He left her for another woman in the end…

gogohmm · 12/06/2023 20:29

Even if he's not having an affair, wait for the "I need space, want to live apart" speech. The good news is you won't be surprised. Get everything sorted so he can't take you for a ride. I'm over 4 years on and life is great, my now dp is perfect

TooJoy · 12/06/2023 20:33

I would not be waiting around for him to end the relationship (which is inevitable).

I would be proactive and sort yourself out and tell him if he wants this new commitment free life then he needs to leave.

dogmandu · 12/06/2023 20:33

Has he brought a motorbike yet OP?

Had a little smile at this comment. It's one of the typical things that elderly men do when trying to appear young and attractive.
I was in a similar situation to you OP some years ago. I'm so glad he's gone now. The stress of having to deal with his many 'bad moods' is gone . I hope you find strength from your children.

Summerfun54321 · 12/06/2023 21:05

He needs to find somewhere else to live so both of you can work out how to move forward with all of this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/06/2023 21:27

"What can I do?"
Take control. I am seriously suggesting that you take control - of your life, of your future.

And I would start here -

"I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line. I am living on edge, wondering when this axe will fall or if he will get help for his depression. He says it is not a mid life crisis but he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him. "

He has fooled you into thinking that whether your marriage survives (or not) is within his gift. It most certainly is not. But he has convinced you that you have no say in the matter, he has convinced you that he has the control.

So - stop wondering "when this axe will fall" and start wielding the axe. Tell him to move out, you are relieving him of ALL "family commitments" and he is to consider himself free "to try new things". Because right now he is making you do the Pick Me Dance, and it is really bad for your mental health. Tell him you would prefer the marriage to be over NOW rather than be kept hanging around.

I know you want your marriage to survive, but the longer he has control of your future, the less the chance of that happening. He will enjoy the control, he will enjoy keeping you on edge and pretty soon he will cease to see you as a person let alone his wife. The best chance your marriage has is for you to step in, take control, and tell him to leave. Remove his control of you, remove the very notion of you being on the back-burner putting up with all his shite, remove everything he says he doesn't want. And let him get on with his mid-life crisis.

Tell him to leave.

Cheeserollanyone · 12/06/2023 21:30

Sorry OP. Such a horrible situation after 23 years. You know you are worth so much more than he is treating you. After 23 years, 5 DC's, he is treating you so appallingly. You deserve better. Don't be a doormat. Stop thinking about him and think about you and how he is making you feel. If he wants to come and go as he pleases, until the early hours. Let him but it doesn't mean he can treat your home like a hotel. Tell him to stay elsewhere as you aren't putting up with this treatment. The grass isn't always greener. Sending you a hug.

Quitelikeit · 12/06/2023 21:34

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I’m afraid you are about to discover something dreadful and your life will change forever.

Id suggest talking to your friends and family for support X

WonkyPicture · 12/06/2023 21:34

My husband has had bad mental health for years, he's now having a midlife crisis which has turned his crushing anxiety into depression. He had an emotional affair, I knocked him out and he's now living with his much much younger woman. I just feel pity for him, he's lost everything he ever held dear and he's now been fired from work too. He's a broken man. He says he loves this woman but DS says he's miserable all the time, keeps crying and saying he's lost his best friend, me. I agree with him but that said I get to move on guilt free.

It's hard but you should do the same as me.

Wexone · 12/06/2023 21:46

next time he out all day get the locks changed. dump all his clothes outside
get an alarm and every bit of security on that house
talk to solicitors get money sorted
and DIVORCE

MaxTalk · 12/06/2023 21:46

Maybe not an affair. He could just be bored which is fair enough.

SarahDippity · 12/06/2023 22:02

Time to briskly say ‘well,let’s wrap this up then. You should find a place to live until our solicitors sort things out.’

blisstwins · 12/06/2023 22:05

Yes. Do not be afraid. Keep your head high and toss him out. He is not depressed. He is cheating as others have said. Get over to Chumplady and you will see how unoriginal it all is. You will be fine no matter the outcome. Give him zero power.

CuriouslyDifferent · 12/06/2023 22:06

How to tell your partner you are having an affair without telling her, you are having an affair.

Get a solicitor, start divorce proceedings and shit will get real for him. and you will have your own path clearly laid out for you.

sorry, but time to protect yourself.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 12/06/2023 22:15

He's cheating on you and/or actively looking for someone new.

Get legal advice. You don't want to spend what's rest of your life like this.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/06/2023 22:22

It must be so horrible to read everyone saying ‘affair ‘
but his behaviour screams it
I totally agree to be assertive and see a Soliciter

id also ignore and ghost his ass when he’s around

time to get icily angry
he’s behaving like an total cunt
and I’m really sorry and it totally sucks x

azlazee1 · 12/06/2023 22:23

Whatever "title" he wants to give it, he does not want to be married anymore. Do you want to sit home wondering where he is all the time or what he's up to. Perhaps you should separate and see how that works for you both. You might find life less stressful and he may realize what he's lost. Even if he doesn't, you need to decide if this is the life you want to lead.