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Original poster

Marriage in crisis due to Husband's new lifestyle changes

219 replies

Kate7418 · 12/06/2023 19:06

We are approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary, 5 sons all now adults with only one left at home. Our marriage has drifted over last 4 years and I was convinced my husband was having an affair as he works in the music business and the night time economy. He started to go to the spare room for 'quiet time'. He then decided to sleep there too. He set all his phone settings to private so you can't see when he's online. I never confronted him, just noted these changes.

We have just returned from the holiday from hell. On Day 1 he announced that in future he is changing his lifestyle. No more Mr Nice Guy with everyone, and me and the whole family take him for granted, which I admitted is partially true. He said from now on he was getting out more and doing different things and we aren't to ask where he's going or when he will be home. He proceeded to stay out until 5am on holiday, hardly speak, and made my life a complete misery where I cried alone all day.

Then we talked this new change over. I asked him if he was having an affair which he completely denied. We returned home and I've hardly seen him as he puts his new life at the exclusion of everyone into practice. After all these years of washing/ironing his clothes, making all his meals he is now making his own. He comes and goes in silence. He then said he is depressed and will see a GP. I said I will help him through it, but he is refusing my help. He is addicted to his phone, when he never used to be.

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line. I am living on edge, wondering when this axe will fall or if he will get help for his depression. He says it is not a mid life crisis but he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him. We've always had a marriage that supports the other and he goes out to pubs/clubs with me cheerily waving him on. I've never restricted him going out at all or tried to. I now feel isolated, alone and struggling to know what I can do to help him or how we can get through this. I don't want to end our 23 year marriage, but this 'new husband' is making me uneasy, unhappy and feeling on edge 24/7. What can I do?

OP posts:
steff13 · 13/06/2023 00:43

It's definitely a midlife crisis. My husband is the same before he left. I'm sorry, OP. I didn't think I'd get through it, but I've flourished.

Grumpy101 · 13/06/2023 00:49

Take control. Set him free.

The longer you let this go on, the less of your self esteem you will have when he inevitably leaves you.

MusicInAWord · 13/06/2023 00:55

it makes me wonder if his OW was on holiday in the same destination?
My dad did this with his OW - installed her in a hotel down the road and engineered rows with my mum so he could leave and go to hers.

LadyLolaRuben · 13/06/2023 00:59

Oh OP I've had EXACTLY the same experience and he too was in the entertainment industry. He was having an affair and denied it for 5 months. He was biding his time trying to organise a new place to live and release money that was locked away in investments whilst creeping about with OW. Get your ducks in a row and get rid on your terms before he does the dirty on you

Lavenderandbrown · 13/06/2023 01:16

justanothermanicmonday1 · 12/06/2023 19:27

I'd just respond by saying.

"Well that's absolutely fine. If you want your freedom then go for it, I'm not stopping you nor am I asking any questions. And to be frank with you, DH, I no longer care. You have 90 days to find a new place to stay, as this house I call my home is not a revolving door for your comings and going's, and I'll also be seeing a lawyer to discuss divorce proceedings. It's a shame it's had to end this way after 23 lovely years together and 5 beautiful children, however I deserve better than this treatment. Enjoy your life, and I'll enjoy mine now I'm finally setting myself free"

Then walk out, and go and have a large glass of wine.

Very good advice

HostaLuago · 13/06/2023 01:23

He's a slag.

Get rid of him, and get tested.

You must be disgusted with him, that's not a husband, it's a waste of oxygen.

Pocodaku · 13/06/2023 01:27

Thu is not a lifestyle change, this is contempt and selfishness. I’m sorry, OP, but I agree with the other posters - he’s already left your marriage, but in a very unethical and cruel way. You don’t deserve this treatment. Please prepare to LTB.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 13/06/2023 02:24

I am a (retired) couples therapist. I can say to you very bluntly what I couldn't say to any of my clients. He is hedging his bets. He is planning to leave you. He either has a new partner lined up or is shopping around for one.

Your choice is to decide whether he leaves it in your time frame or his.

Isthisexpected · 13/06/2023 02:40

There was a thread on here many moons ago and the husband had flown the OW out on the last holiday with the wife because he couldn't be apart from OW. They were getting geared up to leave their spouses but there was a delay on her end it turned out, so he took out all of his frustration on his poor wife and became very nasty the last few months. It had a what the hell just happened on holiday?? title.

Bopping298 · 13/06/2023 02:46

Hi op, I'm sorry you are going through this. My father's behaviour before he left my mum was very similar. He became withdrawn and wanted to do his own thing away from my mum. He resented her cooking for him and started doing all his own chores. He spoke about making dramatic changes to his life. He tried leaving my mum for one woman who rejected him and then quickly found another who he is still together with. I get the impression that he was just casting his net wide to find someone new as he wanted to leave my mum but needed to line someone up before having the courage to do it. I also think your husband's behaviour is completely wrong and disrespectful and however difficult it may be now, you will be better off without him in the long term, I promise.

CharlieRight · 13/06/2023 02:47

I am sorry OP, but your husband has lost the plot. He is almost certainly going to leave you in order to pursue some fantasy. If he doesn't leave, perhaps because OW backs out or he bottles it, in his eyes it will be "your fault" and he will resent you and continue to treat you like shit.

Don't wait around to react to whatever he ends up doing. Act now and take control. Personally I would lawyer up, wait for the shit to engineer some excuse to storm out, let him, then immediately change the locks and start divorce proceedings. Don't for get to sort out your finances now, particularly if you have a joint account.

Geppili · 13/06/2023 02:49

He is limerent and his brain chemistry has changed.

HamBone · 13/06/2023 03:26

OP, I’ve been married a similar amount of time and I can honestly say that if my DH started to behave like this, I’d tell him to piss right off. Actually I’d get my ducks in a row legally and financially first and then tell him to piss off.

His behavior is so disrespectful, and you deserve far better. Raise your expectations, OP, and don’t let him treat you like this. 💐

Dita73 · 13/06/2023 03:47

I’m sorry but even if he’s not having an affair you need to get rid of him. You can’t possibly stay with him and respect yourself

StopStartStop · 13/06/2023 04:01

He's telling you your relationship is over, but he wants you to be the one to call it to a halt. Oblige him.

But first, get your ducks in a row. (Or your 'fucks', as upthread. Don't let him take the 'puss' any longer). See a solicitor, get everything in place, then tell him.

He's making a life without you - start making your own life right now.

stacyvaron · 13/06/2023 04:07

It's easy for us to sit in our cozy homes and you to give the speech that gives him the heave-ho, but 23 years and 5 children in, it's worth a little more work than that. He is probably having an affair, if not physical, than emotionally intimate... probably an online thing. You said it was true that the family has taken advantage - only you know what that really means. Perhaps it's time to sit calmly and have a frank discussion. Admit your part in things and invite him to discuss his. You may want things to go back to what they were, but he obviously doesn't. Ask him what the future looks like to him. For whatever it's worth to you, that's
my $.02

Shoxfordian · 13/06/2023 05:12

He’s not brave enough to end the marriage so he’s hoping you will- help him out with that - his behaviour isn’t acceptable

Emotionalsupportviper · 13/06/2023 06:07

Kate7418 · 12/06/2023 19:06

We are approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary, 5 sons all now adults with only one left at home. Our marriage has drifted over last 4 years and I was convinced my husband was having an affair as he works in the music business and the night time economy. He started to go to the spare room for 'quiet time'. He then decided to sleep there too. He set all his phone settings to private so you can't see when he's online. I never confronted him, just noted these changes.

We have just returned from the holiday from hell. On Day 1 he announced that in future he is changing his lifestyle. No more Mr Nice Guy with everyone, and me and the whole family take him for granted, which I admitted is partially true. He said from now on he was getting out more and doing different things and we aren't to ask where he's going or when he will be home. He proceeded to stay out until 5am on holiday, hardly speak, and made my life a complete misery where I cried alone all day.

Then we talked this new change over. I asked him if he was having an affair which he completely denied. We returned home and I've hardly seen him as he puts his new life at the exclusion of everyone into practice. After all these years of washing/ironing his clothes, making all his meals he is now making his own. He comes and goes in silence. He then said he is depressed and will see a GP. I said I will help him through it, but he is refusing my help. He is addicted to his phone, when he never used to be.

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line. I am living on edge, wondering when this axe will fall or if he will get help for his depression. He says it is not a mid life crisis but he wants to try new things without family commitments which apparently 'trap' him. We've always had a marriage that supports the other and he goes out to pubs/clubs with me cheerily waving him on. I've never restricted him going out at all or tried to. I now feel isolated, alone and struggling to know what I can do to help him or how we can get through this. I don't want to end our 23 year marriage, but this 'new husband' is making me uneasy, unhappy and feeling on edge 24/7. What can I do?

I simply find I can't live with this stranger who now says he wants our marriage to continue but hasn't ruled out its ending or finding someone else down the line

SO - he wants his cake, and to eat it.

I agree with others - his is either having an affair or hoping to have one and is hedging his bets in case the object of his affections kicks him into touch.

As others have said - line up your ducks, check all your finances and take the initiative. If you don't this will not only end up leaving you unprepared when he drops his "bombshell", but financially fleeced (he's probably squirrelling away cash even now - he's certainly going to be spending it if he's living as a single man) and with your mental heath in tatters.

Emotionalsupportviper · 13/06/2023 06:10

Shoxfordian · 13/06/2023 05:12

He’s not brave enough to end the marriage so he’s hoping you will- help him out with that - his behaviour isn’t acceptable

This - classic behaviour.

Then he can go to your children with an "Oh, Poor Me" storyline and @Kate7418 will be the villain.

Get in first - don't denigrate him, but tell your children what he has told you, explain that you can't live like that and it is making you ill, and you feel forced to separate from him.

This is the marital equivalent of constructive dismissal, but he is hoping to force your hand so he can take the moral high ground, the sh1t!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/06/2023 06:30

Does it genuinely matter whether he's cheating at this point?

He's treating you with contempt, purposely freezing you out of his life and constantly keeping you in an insecure state of mind in regards to the relationship.

That's not okay. At all.

What you should do IMO:

  1. See a solicitor.
  1. Yes, get those duckies.
  1. Live your life. Pick up a new hobbie, go to the theater, go on that city trip you always wanted to etc. (Whatever suits you.) He can't just walk off and expect you to wait until he (potentially) returns.
Gettingbysomehow · 13/06/2023 06:55

It's terribly hard when your husband of many years does this to you. And even worse when he can't be honest with you. All those happy memories turning to dust.
My husband did the same after 20 years. He engineered a bad argument and left in a rage. I found out he had a dream of joining the BDSM community and living the sex dream ever after.
Well of course it didn't work out. He ended up in a right mess. No money, nowhere to live.
Of course then he wanted to come back but by that time I didn't want him back so I said no.
I felt utterly betrayed that he'd leave what we had for something so stupid.
20 years of happy memories down the toilet.
Men are stupid and don't know what they are losing. The grass isn't greener.

merrymelodies · 13/06/2023 07:13

What a shithead! How dare he? Who the fuck does he think he is? I'm furious for you, OP. Don't put up with this nonsense for a moment longer. Tell him to stop being such a selfish twat or gtf out!

Iamdobby63 · 13/06/2023 07:19

So he wants his cake and eat it, live separately but still remain married and has created this scenario where you can’t complain about it because he’s told you hes living for himself now. Plus it’s all your faults as to why he’s now doing this.

Hmmm. I would say trust your instincts, even if it’s not an affair he’s up to something, no doubt about that. He’s separated himself to appease his guilt.

Honestly, I wouldn’t accept this, if he want to live as a single person then he needs to go off somewhere else and do it.

WonderingWanda · 13/06/2023 07:23

Irrespective of what it driving his 'Lifestyle changes' this no longer sounds like a marriage, partnership, relationship or friendship. It is not going to change and he is spineless because what he should do is end your marriage properly rather than leaving you in limbo. Tell him this and then end the marriage for him and start living your life for you.

Batalax · 13/06/2023 07:27

I agree, be proactive rather than reactive.