Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has stopped talking to us

214 replies

BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 01:50

I'm at such a loss with how my husband is behaving. He has just stopped interacting with myself and our 3 DC. No row nothing. He says there is nothing wrong, I have asked him if he's happy etc. No answers. Last night he took the children to a firework display and my oldest said he never spoke a word to them going to or from the event or when they were there. The kids are 16, 9 and 10.
He went away for a break with his friends in March and on reflection he hasn't been his normal happy loving self since then. I have asked if something happened while there and he said no.

I am aware he made friends with girls while there. The first day he was in contact with us 2nd day we heard absolutely nothing from him. I did ask him if he exchanged contact details and yes he did. I went through his phone and I seen photos of him and his friends with them but nothing to cause any concerns only they were missing from his gallery and in a what's app to one of the girls on a what's app msg. What does rise a question is she seems to have him.blocked on what's app as there is only one tick on the message and it was sent weeks ago.

This silent treatment is incredibly upsetting for us. We haven't done anything wrong and he is not giving any ideas of what is wrong.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 05/06/2023 01:59

It could be the disappointment of being blocked after the high of the holiday. Perhaps she found out he has a wife & DC and has more scruples about that than he does. Oh dear, is the existence of a family spoiling his fun? 😏

YukoandHiro · 05/06/2023 02:08

It could be to do with the holiday even if nothing happened on it - this level of silent treatment isn't always punishment, my DH has been occasionally like this (for v short periods of time) when he has had periods of severe depression. I think the whole withdrawing from the kids thing suggests this isn't just about your relationship/if he's cheated but a bigger issue with his mental health. My DH will also never admit it when it's going on, he can't see it - he thinks he's protecting us from how he's feeling.
If he won't speak to you it's hard to know what to do but I would try to speak to him seriously about getting a dr's appointment or some counselling.

Fraaahnces · 05/06/2023 03:11

Sounds like he’s cooked up an emotional affair in his head. (If it didn’t go further when he was away.) I agree that he had a lovely adventure and now the grass is greener he is resenting being tied down by his family. I would absolutely lose my shit and let him go.

Pallisers · 05/06/2023 03:23

Objectively, he is being a dick to you and your kids.

You are asking him if he is ok and you are all tiptoeing around him.

How about changing tack and saying "you are being a complete dick what the fuck is up with you - you aren't talking to our kids or me. Talk to me or sort yourself out." If he is depressed he needs to tell you so you can support him. If he is in a pity me mode because his head is turned he needs his arse kicked.

It really struck me that your 16 year old noticed his behaviour. This isn't healthy.

daisychain01 · 05/06/2023 03:28

Your poor children.

ExitChasedByAMemory · 05/06/2023 03:28

Pallisers · 05/06/2023 03:23

Objectively, he is being a dick to you and your kids.

You are asking him if he is ok and you are all tiptoeing around him.

How about changing tack and saying "you are being a complete dick what the fuck is up with you - you aren't talking to our kids or me. Talk to me or sort yourself out." If he is depressed he needs to tell you so you can support him. If he is in a pity me mode because his head is turned he needs his arse kicked.

It really struck me that your 16 year old noticed his behaviour. This isn't healthy.

You’re right, it isn’t healthy nor should it be normalised. @BonnieB38 OP, do you think he has emotionally checked out? Your husband needs to communicate with you and if he has exchanged contact details with someone what did he expect would happen? Would you still want to be with someone who is so quick to change just because his head has turned and he somehow romanticised his meeting with this other person?

AmIbeingTreasonable · 05/06/2023 03:29

It's abusive behaviour and it's obviously deliberate.

Mummyson · 05/06/2023 03:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Thepossibility · 05/06/2023 03:44

He took them out and didn't speak to them?
That's not right. I don't care what you're going through you don't do that to your kids.
Obviously you don't do it to your wife either, but that's seriously shit for your kids.

readbooksdrinktea · 05/06/2023 03:49

What a complete twat. Imagine taking your kids out and then not speaking to them. They must have felt awful.

This would enrage me.

Mummyson · 05/06/2023 03:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mummyson · 05/06/2023 03:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mathanxiety · 05/06/2023 04:49

WTAF ^ ?

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 04:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

What in Hades is this?

BadNomad · 05/06/2023 04:50

I dont know what she's selling, but I know I dont want it. 😳

TheseThree · 05/06/2023 04:51

My first thought also was that he had imagined an exciting relationship with this other woman and is feeling the let down of being rejected and feeling tied to his family.

That said I wouldn’t mention that to him specifically. Especially since you went through his phone - it’s just setting yourself up for failure and/or hurt.

I do agree with calling out his shit though. Definitely call out his behavior.

My husband lost his dad a year ago about the time our youngest was born. I tried to be especially patient as it was a lot to deal with, but eventually after he had been an absolute jerk for a couple days towards the kids (and me) I told him he needed to check it. Obviously I knew the cause and I was as gentle as I could but I let him know that even though I understood where it was coming from, none of us deserved to be treated so rudely. He checked himself and let me help him find therapy. I gave him as much space as I could (and my family stepped in to help as much as possible too) to let him go through his feelings, but I made it clear that while angry is appropriate, it is not ok to direct it at us.

Where my husband needed boundaries given with understanding, your husband needs a swift kick. He can talk about it or he can sweep it under a rug, but he needs to get his shit together and stop crapping on his family, and I don’t think you need to be scared to tell him as much.

Londonlassy · 05/06/2023 05:07

i don’t understand the photo ( and I’m not sure I want to)

Gwendolines1 · 05/06/2023 05:10

That photo... 🥴

JennyJenny8675309 · 05/06/2023 05:11

I don’t want to understand. Why can’t I unsee that? 🫣

Remaker · 05/06/2023 05:18

Ignoring the strange photo…

OP could he be laying the groundwork for leaving?

Before he left his wife and kids my friend’s DH went very strange and distant. Then when he left he justified it by saying he was making them unhappy and he needed to leave for their benefit. Yes complete and utter bollocks he was having an affair and wanted to still frame it like he was the good guy.

Fraaahnces · 05/06/2023 05:28

@Mummyson - please remove that photo. I’m sure you love your son, but you haven’t asked his consent to have this photo shared on a public forum. It’s very weird to do this and screams of enmeshment. Respect his right to privacy.

TheKobayashiMaru · 05/06/2023 07:02

Sounds like his head was turned on holiday. Now he is giving you all the silent treatment as his life isn't as 'fun' or 'exciting' as he felt on holiday.

Gettingbysomehow · 05/06/2023 07:04

I'd definitely Italy put a stop to this. If you are an adult snd have three kids pyou don't shut them out like this.

MsDogLady · 05/06/2023 07:17

The silent treatment is incredibly upsetting for us.

Of course it is, Bonnie. This is an unsustainable and harmful dynamic. Your H’s refusal to interact is destabilizing for you and the children, and I wouldn’t tolerate one more minute of it.

The genesis of his detachment was the trip, and the key is likely the woman he messaged who blocked him, or perhaps another. Am I correctly understanding that he has deleted the photos and WhatsApp message?

I highly doubt that he is stonewalling/giving the silent treatment to friends, relatives or colleagues. You’ve expressed your concern but he dismissed you. I would tell him that his disengaged silence is cruel and damaging, particularly for the children, and that you will not accept it. Send him away while you consider your options.

ShoesoftheWorld · 05/06/2023 07:20

I'd be leaving out any considerations of another woman at the present time and dealing with what's in front of me. And yes, I would be saying 'This nonsense is upsetting me and hurting our children. I'd like you to leave, today, and only come back when you are prepared to interact and engage with us normally again.' This will likely lead, eventually, to the emergence of whatever is going on, if anything. The main message he needs is that he does not get to treat the family with such contempt (your poor children!) and keep enjoying the benefits of it.