My husband has stopped talking to us

[BonnieB38]

I'm at such a loss with how my husband is behaving. He has just stopped interacting with myself and our 3 DC. No row nothing. He says there is nothing wrong, I have asked him if he's happy etc. No answers. Last night he took the children to a firework display and my oldest said he never spoke a word to them going to or from the event or when they were there. The kids are 16, 9 and 10.
He went away for a break with his friends in March and on reflection he hasn't been his normal happy loving self since then. I have asked if something happened while there and he said no.

I am aware he made friends with girls while there. The first day he was in contact with us 2nd day we heard absolutely nothing from him. I did ask him if he exchanged contact details and yes he did. I went through his phone and I seen photos of him and his friends with them but nothing to cause any concerns only they were missing from his gallery and in a what's app to one of the girls on a what's app msg. What does rise a question is she seems to have him.blocked on what's app as there is only one tick on the message and it was sent weeks ago.

This silent treatment is incredibly upsetting for us. We haven't done anything wrong and he is not giving any ideas of what is wrong.

Completely unacceptable OP. How long has this been going on?

can you make plans to split?

He said he's not behaving in the way I'm saying. He said he is normal with the children but he's not. I also need to be careful and not explode because we have our oldest doing end of year exams and she's incredibly stressed

So when you say - you’re not speaking to us and you ignore me - what does he say?

have you told him the children have noticed?

I would be so angry and upset. I’ve had this from my DH after a row and it pushed me to the point of saying I was leaving unless he stopped. And that was after a row - at least I knew why! For it to be done out of the blue is torture.

Have you told him it was the DC who actually brought up his silent treatment after the fireworks display and how he's adding to the older one's stress?

On the one hand it’s a punishment for something; on the other it’s basic fuckwittage that he doesn’t know how to process emotional issues other than being a twat.

I would just tell him to get a grip or leave until he sorts his shit out to avoid upsetting the children.

He sounds depressed. Either way it's destructive behavior.
Is there somebody - family, friends - that know you both and could give some more insight? Or give him a talking to?

This is emotional abuse, how cruel of him. Your poor children. You need to file for divorce, because this is going to damage the children for sure. You don't need him, he's emotionally checked out. All you have is a body walking around the house.

I told him our oldest asked me if he was depressed during the week and he basically blamed me for putting that thought in her head. Which is completely untrue I don't discuss grown up issues with my children. He just keeps saying there is nothing wrong but yet completely withdrawn from us. He says he is not acting differently towards the children.
The thing is he is his normal happy self with everyone else. So no-one else has noticed any difference in behaviour

Agee with the very early poster who said he is either 'paving the way' to announce that he has been miserable for years and rewrite your marriage history, or he is in the depths of despair because something happened - or almost happened (or even, happened in his wishful thinking) with one of the females on holiday which was giving him a big adrenaline rush. Now that he has been blocked and realises it's all come to nothing, he is crashing and you are suffering the brunt of his misery.

Man in 40's here, i'll give my perspective.

During early covid, me and two mates were catching up on zoom calls and reminicing about our great European adventures of our 20's/30's (Prague, Berlin, Barcelona, Milan etc.) as a trio.

We resolved when things blew over to live a little and head to Amsterdam for a long weekend. We had a great time, but the great time 3 happily married with kids, slightly out of shape professional men have. Visits to galleries, sightseeing, less clubbing, more nice meal with a good bottle of red.

Whilst it was a lovely break it did rather underline the fact that the first flush of youth has departed and we are now 3 middle aged fellas - not that there is anything wrong with that - we are doing Bratislava later in the year!

I'm guessing that the OPs husband might just have gone and made a dick of himself chatting up some girl with whom he exchanged numbers, and once sober she blocked him, and he's realised his youth has departed!

But he should have got over that in around 20 minutes, and got back on with his life and counted his blessings.

If nothing happened, and he's slipped into a depression, he needs help.

Or a kick up the arse, @tonyatotter

@tonyatotter That is what I think has happened too. He was getting an adrenaline rush out of some sort of flirty exchange and now it's all come to nothing, he has crashed. Pathetic really. As you point out - that should have been a moment of 'what was I thinking?' and then back to reality. Utterly selfish to take your family down your misery hole.

Could someone please explain what was in the photo for those of us who didn’t see it? I am now dying to know. DM me if it isn’t appropriate to say on here.

I expect you're right @tonyatotter, and that's exactly what did happen.

But. That's bang out of order isn't it?!? And then to take it out on your wife and kids because you were rejected by someone you tried to chat up?!?

On what planet is that reasonable behaviour worthy of 'oh, poor you.'?

He’s either having an affair, or wants to leave to embark on one.

He may well have another phone.

I would calmly but firmly tell him he needs to move out to family/ Airbnb, at least until your DC’s exams are over. Phrase it as being on a break if you want. But he needs a short sharp shock to realise the consequences of his behaviour.

Harsh, but fair

I think he's having an affair and he wants you to do the hard work for him and end the relationship. He's making sure you're going to come off as the bad person as he's the same happy self with everyone else too. Even if I'm wrong here, he's still being a prick and you and your kids deserve better than to put up with this.

I agree terrible behaviour. Drags everyone down. Op he would have to go if this keeps up. I be so hurt here if kids were ignored.

I think possible mid life crisis or depression? Whatever it is you need to give him an ultimatum. Sort it out or go. Counselling may be a first step possibly on his own.

What he wants is for you and the kids to lose patience with him. He hopes you'll kick him out. Then he can walk away guilt free and tell everybody that he did nothing wrong and you all turned against him.

He will probably throw in some fake depression. Play the victim. Then inevitably the other woman will appear.

Sorry you're going through this op. He's a dick. A weak cowardly dick.

men do odd things but it does sound strange as he done it before .

I reckon something happened on his holiday. Maybe a one night stand. Maybe more. He is either racked with guilt or trying to justify his behaviour by creating a hostile environment in the household and rewriting your marriage history. He can justify shagging her because he's ever so miserable with you.

@BonnieB38 I think you're well within your right to call him out on his gaslighting (or, if we're being more direct: his utter bullshit). Kids noticed, you notice, that's 4 against 1 when it comes to his behaviour.

Personally, I'd tell him about my suspicion, straight to his face - that he has been like this since holiday and that it seems like something happen there...and why not mentioning his phone. He has been acting like an asshole and the whole "respect my privacy" argument only works for people who are themselves respectful. If they act weird prompting investigations then they only have themselves to blame - especially if snooping on their phone bring evidence that something did happen.

He's probably shagged someone and feels incredibly guilty

This is unfortunately quite a strong possibility