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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has stopped talking to us

214 replies

BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 01:50

I'm at such a loss with how my husband is behaving. He has just stopped interacting with myself and our 3 DC. No row nothing. He says there is nothing wrong, I have asked him if he's happy etc. No answers. Last night he took the children to a firework display and my oldest said he never spoke a word to them going to or from the event or when they were there. The kids are 16, 9 and 10.
He went away for a break with his friends in March and on reflection he hasn't been his normal happy loving self since then. I have asked if something happened while there and he said no.

I am aware he made friends with girls while there. The first day he was in contact with us 2nd day we heard absolutely nothing from him. I did ask him if he exchanged contact details and yes he did. I went through his phone and I seen photos of him and his friends with them but nothing to cause any concerns only they were missing from his gallery and in a what's app to one of the girls on a what's app msg. What does rise a question is she seems to have him.blocked on what's app as there is only one tick on the message and it was sent weeks ago.

This silent treatment is incredibly upsetting for us. We haven't done anything wrong and he is not giving any ideas of what is wrong.

OP posts:
Flippyflopster · 05/06/2023 08:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Original poster
BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 08:22

Flippyflopstar!

OP posts:
Original poster
BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 08:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Sorry I was trying to reply to someone but I didn't quote them.

OP posts:
sashagabadon · 05/06/2023 08:25

A firework display in June? Where in UK is this?

NCGrandParent · 05/06/2023 08:25

If he has any kind of history of depression (or if other signs he's depressed - is he taking care of himself? Is he speaking and engaging with others? Is he doing his usual activities and enjoying them) then I would be extremely worried about his safety. This kind of detachment can be a precursor to suicide. BUT if this treatment seems targeted, and isolated to you in family ,then it is abusive. The fact you jumped so quickly to an affair suggests the latter. In your gut, what do you think?

Original poster
BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 08:26

sashagabadon · 05/06/2023 08:25

A firework display in June? Where in UK is this?

We are not in the UK. The firework display was part of a festival

OP posts:
Flippyflopster · 05/06/2023 08:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Weddingpuzzle · 05/06/2023 08:31

What kind of comments do you want? You will get the truth on MN and from the little info you have given the comments about your DC and their treatment is warranted. I had the same kind of comments when I posted about my exH kicking me in the ribs and me being a depressed mess who couldn't look after my DC's in the way they deserved. Those truthful comments got me out of domestic abuse and my children had a better parent. Snipping at people who are telling you the truth isn't going to help. Your DH is being an emotionally abusive bastard to you and your DC. You have a choice to change this situation, your DC don't.

MiniCooperLover · 05/06/2023 08:32

OP, you say you're at a loss but I would think something happened during that holiday. Happily married men don't (or shouldn't!) take details of women they've met while away. Either something happened or he wishes it did. When he is doing this silent treatment, what have you said to him to force a conversation?

TheUnsettling · 05/06/2023 08:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

For Gods sakes, can’t you take a day off?

Good luck @BonnieB38, I reiterate what others have said in that you need to be firm that either he sorts this out or he leaves until he is ready to sort this out. My initial thought was depression, but as someone who has severe mental health issues I’ve never ignored my own children. You need to get to the bottom of this ASAP before it starts to have a lasting effect.

TheUnsettling · 05/06/2023 08:37

Weddingpuzzle · 05/06/2023 08:31

What kind of comments do you want? You will get the truth on MN and from the little info you have given the comments about your DC and their treatment is warranted. I had the same kind of comments when I posted about my exH kicking me in the ribs and me being a depressed mess who couldn't look after my DC's in the way they deserved. Those truthful comments got me out of domestic abuse and my children had a better parent. Snipping at people who are telling you the truth isn't going to help. Your DH is being an emotionally abusive bastard to you and your DC. You have a choice to change this situation, your DC don't.

This is the comment OP is referring to, not the comments giving her straight talking:

Flippyflopster · Today 07:49
Not point of thread, but bloody hell… a fireworks display in June. As a dog owner and parent of a child who is very sensitive to Loud noises, I’d have been pretty peed off if I was a neighbour to this display!

Original poster
BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 08:38

NCGrandParent · 05/06/2023 08:25

If he has any kind of history of depression (or if other signs he's depressed - is he taking care of himself? Is he speaking and engaging with others? Is he doing his usual activities and enjoying them) then I would be extremely worried about his safety. This kind of detachment can be a precursor to suicide. BUT if this treatment seems targeted, and isolated to you in family ,then it is abusive. The fact you jumped so quickly to an affair suggests the latter. In your gut, what do you think?

I know he made friends with another group on holiday but I don't believe it was anything other than 2 groups merging. He was the one that told me he met them without asking when talking about the hol. No history of this behaviour and it does seem to be targeted towards us. 😕 I have spoken to him and asked if he is depressed and he denied it saying there is nothing wrong. I'm at a loss. Regardless of what's in his head I refuse to allow him ignore my children. The fireworks display was last night I wasn't there because I was working I'm only going home now.

OP posts:
Weddingpuzzle · 05/06/2023 08:40

@TheUnsettling ahhhh. Well yes, that is a pretty pointless comment. Sorry OP, I got my wires crossed.

QueenieMe · 05/06/2023 08:41

Sulking/silent treatment a form of emotional abuse. As a child who grew up in a household with a father who would regularly go for weeks without speaking, I beg you to sort this out for your DC's sake. Tell him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable and he cannot check out of family life just because some girl has blocked him. His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know and if he persists in giving you and your DC the silent treatment, kick him out. So many times I wish my mum had done that.

MayThe4th · 05/06/2023 08:42

TBH the fact that you found a whatsapp message to a woman who hasn’t responded suggests to me that he met someone, maybe got involved, maybe didn’t, and she ditched him, perhaps because she found out he was married and now he’s sulking because of it.

That aside, for me the silent treatment is a dealbreaker up there with violence and I’d tell him to get the fuck out as of now.

SuffolkUnicorn · 05/06/2023 08:42

AmIbeingTreasonable · 05/06/2023 03:29

It's abusive behaviour and it's obviously deliberate.

Definitely

ShimmeringShirts · 05/06/2023 08:44

So he is communicating with you, just barely? I’d be telling him he either speaks or gets out, no patience for those that sit and make others feel like anxiety and worry deliberately

Booklover40 · 05/06/2023 08:48

I am aware he made friends with girls while there.

There’s your answer then.

Cherchez la femme and get ready for the beginnings of the Script soon!

BeverlyHa · 05/06/2023 08:52

Fraaahnces · Today 03:11
Sounds like he’s cooked up an emotional affair in his head. (If it didn’t go further when he was away.) I agree that he had a lovely adventure and now the grass is greener he is resenting being tied down by his family. I would absolutely lose my shit and let him go.

_

this is what seems to be. a sudden very strong emotional high towards someone who obviously is not interested in a married old man with three quite grown kids ....he is to be pitied to be honest

IncompleteSenten · 05/06/2023 08:54

Tell him if there's nothing wrong with him then he's choosing to behave abusively towards you and your children for what? Sport? And that he can pack his attitude and take it elsewhere because what he's doing to his children and you is cruel.

Kiwano · 05/06/2023 08:54

I have spoken to him and asked if he is depressed and he denied it saying there is nothing wrong.

So how does he account for the fact that he has suddenly stopped talking to everyone?

Irritatedcashier · 05/06/2023 08:55

If it's normally a good relationship and he's normally a good father I'd be more concerned he's having mental health issues.
Or worried something bad (assault etc) had happened to him on holiday.
Obviously you can't continue on like this but I wouldn't immediately jump to "he's having an affair"

BeverlyHa · 05/06/2023 08:55

QueenieMe · Today 08:41
Sulking/silent treatment a form of emotional abuse. As a child who grew up in a household with a father who would regularly go for weeks without speaking, I beg you to sort this out for your DC's sake. Tell him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable and he cannot check out of family life just because some girl has blocked him. His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know and if he persists in giving you and your DC the silent treatment, kick him out. So many times I wish my mum had done that.

and this also. your family is meant to be your war, cosy spot amidst the storms of this cruel and cold world, not the place where you get even colder

BeverlyHa · 05/06/2023 08:55

warm, sorry

Irritatedcashier · 05/06/2023 08:57

Also when I had PND I absolutely denied it.
When I was poorly with an ED I denied it.
When I was a suicidal teen, I denied it.
People don't always admit their illnesses, there's still lots of stigma around mental health conditions, especially with men.