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Original poster

My husband has stopped talking to us

214 replies

BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 01:50

I'm at such a loss with how my husband is behaving. He has just stopped interacting with myself and our 3 DC. No row nothing. He says there is nothing wrong, I have asked him if he's happy etc. No answers. Last night he took the children to a firework display and my oldest said he never spoke a word to them going to or from the event or when they were there. The kids are 16, 9 and 10.
He went away for a break with his friends in March and on reflection he hasn't been his normal happy loving self since then. I have asked if something happened while there and he said no.

I am aware he made friends with girls while there. The first day he was in contact with us 2nd day we heard absolutely nothing from him. I did ask him if he exchanged contact details and yes he did. I went through his phone and I seen photos of him and his friends with them but nothing to cause any concerns only they were missing from his gallery and in a what's app to one of the girls on a what's app msg. What does rise a question is she seems to have him.blocked on what's app as there is only one tick on the message and it was sent weeks ago.

This silent treatment is incredibly upsetting for us. We haven't done anything wrong and he is not giving any ideas of what is wrong.

OP posts:
thecatsmeows · 05/06/2023 10:08

My father was like this the last 3 years I was living at home. He only married my mother because she got pregnant when he was only 19, they then had 3 children within 5 years. He turned 30, decided he hated family life and started working abroad. After 7 years working away - and rarely coming home - he was based back in the UK for those 3 years and hated it...in that whole time, I think I probably got less than 100 words out of him. The times he wasn't at work, he'd spend either in the garden or on headphones listening to his stereo (this was late 80s). We never did anything together as a family, no days/meals out etc...my mother used to have to practically force him to take her food shopping (he could drive, she couldn't).

It only ended when he had is exit affair and left when I was 21 (I'd got married the week before). Coincidentally this was also 6 months after my younger brother had turned 18... it was pretty obvious he'd waited for that. Those last 3 years living with him were hell. The atmosphere between him and my mother was terrible, she was obviously angry at hell at his lack of interaction and used to constantly make bitter sarcastic comments to him...which he'd ignore. I think he thought if he made home life as uncomfortable as possible she'd ask him to leave and he then wouldn't be the 'bad guy'..but my mother is Catholic so that was never going to happen.

Do your kids a favour and tell him to get out.

Justalittlebitduckling · 05/06/2023 10:14

Something needs to change. Either he acknowledges he has a mental health issue and starts getting some help, or he starts engaging with you and explaining the issue and you have marriage counselling or something like that, or he moves out, at least temporarily. It’s not acceptable to suddenly behave like that.

IWantToVote · 05/06/2023 10:16

I told him our oldest asked me if he was depressed during the week and he basically blamed me for putting that thought in her head. Which is completely untrue I don't discuss grown up issues with my children. He just keeps saying there is nothing wrong but yet completely withdrawn from us. He says he is not acting differently towards the children
The thing is he is his normal happy self with everyone else. So no-one else has noticed any difference in behaviour

Why are you not discussing this with your 16 year old? She can see what is happening! Are you all just walking on egg shells.
It sounds like an extremely toxic environment and it's a massive mistake letting it continue. I really feel for you and your kids.

I'd insist on therapy or counselling or I'd ask him to leave to give you time to work out what you want and to give him time to work out what he wants.
You can't have him in the house not speaking to you or your kids. It could do lasting damage to your children.

Softoprider · 05/06/2023 10:22

The thing is he is his normal happy self with everyone else. So no-one else has noticed any difference in behaviour

So it is deliberate then OP. If this were me I would be raging. Stop asking him anything. Stop feeding him, washing for him and informing him of anything.

laveritable · 05/06/2023 10:27

Pls get him help, it could be his MH.

StarDolphins · 05/06/2023 10:28

If I had to guess, I would say he liked one of these girls & was hoping for something more, didn’t get it & is now ‘bored’ with family life.

I wouldn’t keep asking him as he’s not prepared to share what’s wrong so I would tell him to sort out whatever it is that’s wrong or leave. Treating his children & you like that isn’t ok.

He’s fine & happy with everyone else says a lot.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 05/06/2023 10:31

It sounds like he is depressed. Surely he would interact with the kids if he was cheating and not you? I would sit him down, what’s going on seriously

rainbowstardrops · 05/06/2023 10:33

If he's managing to be his usual self with everyone other than you and the children then that doesn't strike me as depression because he's deliberately targeting you guys.
I'd be telling him to either speak up, grow up, or sod off.

LadyBird1973 · 05/06/2023 10:40

I wouldn't have tolerated my husband going on holiday without me on the first place, let alone swapping contact details with other women. My experience is that when men start getting friendly with new women (not long standing friends they've had since uni for example), they start getting dissatisfied with their wives and life at home. I strongly believe that couples should have most of their fun with each other, not buggering off with their mates for extended periods. I think what's happening here is that he's having all his fun with other people and home has become about duty and work.

He's being a nasty bastard though - ignoring his family is manipulative and cruel and he seems to have no issues in causing distress to his own children. I'd be zero tolerance on this - tell him to get out of the house until he remembers his manners and is willing to behave like a husband and father!

MintyCedric · 05/06/2023 10:41

I’d be very surprised if this doesn’t ah e something to do with with his holiday and the woman he exchanges numbers with.

You say his last message to her seems to have gone unread…have you checked for other communications apps…Kik, Telegram, Snapchat etc? It may be that the conversation has moved to a less obvious location?

Batalax · 05/06/2023 10:42

When do your eldest exams finish? I can see why you don’t want to rock the boat til then, but it does seem as if he’s checked out. I’d use the time to get your ducks in a row, copy paperwork etc and possibly see a solicitor. Use the time wisely.

Sandra1984 · 05/06/2023 10:44

AmIbeingTreasonable · 05/06/2023 03:29

It's abusive behaviour and it's obviously deliberate.

Yes, it’s very abusive and emotionally aggressive, quite violent in my opinion, those poor kids… OP you need to change the locks and kick this Ar-hole out. He obviously don’t want to be there so you’ll be doing him a favour.

IWantToVote · 05/06/2023 10:45

If he is out the house does everyone seem more relaxed and happy? Might It be better for your daughters anxiety if he went away until her exams are over?

Original poster
BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 10:46

IWantToVote · 05/06/2023 10:16

I told him our oldest asked me if he was depressed during the week and he basically blamed me for putting that thought in her head. Which is completely untrue I don't discuss grown up issues with my children. He just keeps saying there is nothing wrong but yet completely withdrawn from us. He says he is not acting differently towards the children
The thing is he is his normal happy self with everyone else. So no-one else has noticed any difference in behaviour

Why are you not discussing this with your 16 year old? She can see what is happening! Are you all just walking on egg shells.
It sounds like an extremely toxic environment and it's a massive mistake letting it continue. I really feel for you and your kids.

I'd insist on therapy or counselling or I'd ask him to leave to give you time to work out what you want and to give him time to work out what he wants.
You can't have him in the house not speaking to you or your kids. It could do lasting damage to your children.

I didn't say I discussed this with my 16 year old. I said she asked me if he was depressed. She's allowed to ask questions when the atmosphere around her is upsetting her. As I already said I don't discuss adult issues with my children but if she has a question I will do what I can to try ease her mind. I think having one parent ignoring her is enough.

OP posts:
BeachBlondey · 05/06/2023 10:46

I get the impression from you, that if he was being his normal self right now, that you wouldn't be questioning why his lads holiday "merged" with a group of unknown women, and why he swapped numbers with another woman. This is completely crossing a line. You don't know what he got up to when he was there, but the swapping of numbers shows that he wanted continued contact with her after the holiday. I'd be packing his bags, tbh. How fucking dare he?

Original poster
BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 10:48

BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 10:46

I didn't say I discussed this with my 16 year old. I said she asked me if he was depressed. She's allowed to ask questions when the atmosphere around her is upsetting her. As I already said I don't discuss adult issues with my children but if she has a question I will do what I can to try ease her mind. I think having one parent ignoring her is enough.

Show quote history

I'm sorry I misread this message. Apologies for the crappie attitude 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 10:54

IWantToVote · 05/06/2023 10:45

If he is out the house does everyone seem more relaxed and happy? Might It be better for your daughters anxiety if he went away until her exams are over?

He works alot so he is not around a whole lot. Our environment is calm and happy when he's a work when he is home hes grumpy the majority of the time lately. I'm so mad. Something else I noticed lately is I tell him things and when these things formulate he argues that I never told him. Once these exams are over for my daughter I'm gonna hit the roof. I'm feeling alot of things but after last night ignoring the children has completely broken my heart. They were so excited to go to the display and would have been buzzing while there. But he was mute.

OP posts:
Original poster
BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 10:55

I'm so hurt by this😔😔

OP posts:
Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 05/06/2023 10:59

I think he needs some sort of ultimatum.

In denying his behaviour its gaslighting, so he has 3 options:

  1. cut it out immediately
  2. attend marriage counselling to address the problem
  3. leave
Nimblesandbimbles · 05/06/2023 11:01

I’m sorry OP, this sounds very hurtful. I have to say that I agree that something must have happened on the trip. The fact he is being so distant with you all since his return seems too much of a coincidence. It sounds like he resents family life after having a taste of freedom & flirting (& maybe more) with other women. What a knob.

BinnityBoo · 05/06/2023 11:15

So I'm going to weigh in on this from a different perspective,

My parents have been married for 30 years and about 14-15 years ago it was if my dad had a personality transplant and we slowly lost him over the course of a few months, he was irrational, quiet, moody, his moods changed like the wind and he would sometimes go up like a bottle of pop. My mum nearly ended up divorcing him, but he had also lost a lot of weight (which we paid no attention to, because he loves the gym). He was either spaced out not speaking to us or had a totally manic look in his eye.

It was a real tough few months in the home (my and my two siblings still lived at home at the time), we constantly walked on eggshells and we were all really jarred by it as it was really unusual.

Mum thought he was having an affair.

It turned out he was suffering with graves disease, which is a thyroid disease. He was put under a specialist, had his bloods taken and was put on appropriate medication and it was like he slowly came back to himself.

How old is he? Any other health related changes? Has he seen a doctor recently?

I know probably a bit of a reach, but you just never know.

Original poster
BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 11:15

LadyBird1973 · 05/06/2023 10:40

I wouldn't have tolerated my husband going on holiday without me on the first place, let alone swapping contact details with other women. My experience is that when men start getting friendly with new women (not long standing friends they've had since uni for example), they start getting dissatisfied with their wives and life at home. I strongly believe that couples should have most of their fun with each other, not buggering off with their mates for extended periods. I think what's happening here is that he's having all his fun with other people and home has become about duty and work.

He's being a nasty bastard though - ignoring his family is manipulative and cruel and he seems to have no issues in causing distress to his own children. I'd be zero tolerance on this - tell him to get out of the house until he remembers his manners and is willing to behave like a husband and father!

I understand that it sounds possibly strange that he went off on holiday with his friends but he never does anything for himself only work work work. So It was me that encouraged him to go. We are together a long time and I have never felt insecure or worried about him going off with anyone. I just thought it would be great for him to enjoy himself while I stayed home fully secure in myself he wouldn't do anything. So when I didn't hear from him on the second day of the holiday I was really shocked, worried at first but then seen he had been online at different times.

OP posts:
Original poster
BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 11:19

BinnityBoo · 05/06/2023 11:15

So I'm going to weigh in on this from a different perspective,

My parents have been married for 30 years and about 14-15 years ago it was if my dad had a personality transplant and we slowly lost him over the course of a few months, he was irrational, quiet, moody, his moods changed like the wind and he would sometimes go up like a bottle of pop. My mum nearly ended up divorcing him, but he had also lost a lot of weight (which we paid no attention to, because he loves the gym). He was either spaced out not speaking to us or had a totally manic look in his eye.

It was a real tough few months in the home (my and my two siblings still lived at home at the time), we constantly walked on eggshells and we were all really jarred by it as it was really unusual.

Mum thought he was having an affair.

It turned out he was suffering with graves disease, which is a thyroid disease. He was put under a specialist, had his bloods taken and was put on appropriate medication and it was like he slowly came back to himself.

How old is he? Any other health related changes? Has he seen a doctor recently?

I know probably a bit of a reach, but you just never know.

He's 37. He had a recent check up for his employment and everything was normal. I'm.just so confused at this. I'm just trying really hard to keep it calm for my girl. At night time we would be wrapped around each other, one moved the other moved with, but now he's so far over at the edge of his side he's almost out.

OP posts:
QueenieMe · 05/06/2023 11:24

BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 11:19

He's 37. He had a recent check up for his employment and everything was normal. I'm.just so confused at this. I'm just trying really hard to keep it calm for my girl. At night time we would be wrapped around each other, one moved the other moved with, but now he's so far over at the edge of his side he's almost out.

Show quote history

The more you update, the crueler his behaviour is coming across. I think you should ask him to stay somewhere else for the next couple of days because the atmosphere is stressing you and the DC out, particularly the older one and she needs to be calm for her exams. If he objects, lose your shit and tell him you will NOT tolerate him gaslighting you, that it's obvious he's checked out of family life and until he's prepared to address what's going on like the grown up he's supposed to be you don't want him around. Seriously, you need to shock him rather than pander to him.

80s · 05/06/2023 11:24

My exh acted exactly like this during his affair - and especially when the OW's husband found out and she told him she was going to try to save her marriage (they were soon back together though). I think he saw me and the kids as an obstacle to them being together. And he'd been talking about our marriage to the OW and developed a story about how I was a bitch, which clouds your view of your wife a bit.
Walking a few feet behind me and the kids, staring at phone, not taking part in conversations, dead look in eyes, only coming to bed when I was asleep, not answering the phone. He also "worked a lot" and that obviously increased during the affair.
Maybe your husband's gf has blocked him and he's sad about it.

Did they definitely meet during the holiday? Is she the only potential OW?