My husband has stopped talking to us

[BonnieB38]

I'm at such a loss with how my husband is behaving. He has just stopped interacting with myself and our 3 DC. No row nothing. He says there is nothing wrong, I have asked him if he's happy etc. No answers. Last night he took the children to a firework display and my oldest said he never spoke a word to them going to or from the event or when they were there. The kids are 16, 9 and 10.
He went away for a break with his friends in March and on reflection he hasn't been his normal happy loving self since then. I have asked if something happened while there and he said no.

I am aware he made friends with girls while there. The first day he was in contact with us 2nd day we heard absolutely nothing from him. I did ask him if he exchanged contact details and yes he did. I went through his phone and I seen photos of him and his friends with them but nothing to cause any concerns only they were missing from his gallery and in a what's app to one of the girls on a what's app msg. What does rise a question is she seems to have him.blocked on what's app as there is only one tick on the message and it was sent weeks ago.

This silent treatment is incredibly upsetting for us. We haven't done anything wrong and he is not giving any ideas of what is wrong.

@LadyBird1973 I agree with this. I think the guy had a thing going on during the holiday - and now feels his actual life seems a bit Groundhog Day- and the other girl isn't interested which has depressed him.

I would be fuming that he sent WhatsApp's too post holiday to a particular person

I suspect this too.

My ex starting acting like this a few weeks after getting a new job. Previous to the new job we had been together for 16 happy years, After getting the new job he turned into a completely different person to the extent I no longer knew who he was, Ignoring me, Say he got home from work, where he would have kissed me, now he would walk by me like I wasn't there without a word and go upstairs, If I spoke to him I got nothing.

After a few weeks of this, One night I turned over in bed and put my arm around him (Always had done) and he must have thought I was asleep as he moved my arm away and moved to the other side of the bed to get away from me.

I turned the light on and said "You don't love me anymore do you?" He replied no, got up, packed a bag and left.

He had been waiting for me to crack and end it.

With the new job came a younger woman, who turned his head, she was 19 to his 43, I found this out later.

He also denied there was anything wrong, and the way he was treating me was all in my head.

Bonnie, your updates have detailed additional ways that H is creating distance between himself and you/the children:

*escalating refusal to engage
*blaming you when children commented that he blanked them
*grumpiness when home
*gaslighting you that you haven’t told him things
*distance in bed
*denial of obvious behavior changes

Bonnie, your children do not live in a safe home. Whether H’s devaluation of his family is due to a crush, fling, or yearning for the single life, his contemptuous emotional abuse is beyond the pale.

You really must take definitive action right away. Get him out asap, before DD’s exams.

I’m just so sorry this is happening to you. You are so young. Move him out and you have plenty of time to move in and create a new life without him.

@WeToldYouWhatToDream that's just a terrible thing to happen. 😔 How painful.

What was the outcome? Divorce and he stayed with the 19 year old?

I’m sure your children can notice the atmosphere. Do you think your children would prefer you to deal with it after their exams or will this silent treatment make their pre-exam anxieties worse? If your husband was acting normally around others, I would point that out the next time he goes “mute” at home and ask how comes you seems so lively around others and acts like this around and the children? And that this is not normal behaviour and he has until xyz date to explain himself or he needs to move out.

Gosh OP, that sounds so hard. I could almost understand if he didn't speak to you (because it could be put down to some relationship upset) but to not speak to his kids either is very strange, especially as you say he speaks to everyone else. It does seem linked to him holiday but who knows if he won't speak.

I can only suggest asking him to see a doctor or a counsellor together. But if he won't go and this goes on then I think you have to assess where you are financially and asses your next steps. You and DC can't live with someone that doesn't speak to you. Have you thought of a break away together with you both and the DC just to see if that shakes him out of it?

With your updates, it sounds like he has checked out. I also assumed he was much older tbh. Sorry this is happening.

@WeToldYouWhatToDream

I'm sorry about your experience, the distant behaviour alone is emotional abuse, and so hurtful. It's as if your ex and OP's OH both became strangers overnight.
These men are throwing love and security away as if it was nothing.

I think your updates make it even more likely he's involved with someone else or wants to be. He never had the experience he's now seeing of being in his 20s and carefree. He wants it now.

No, She wasn't interested in him in that way, He was into her and assumed she felt the same, Left me, THEN spoke to her and told her how he felt. When he knew she wasn't interested in him I got a long rambling voicemail about how much he regretted messing everything up with me etc I had moved 600 miles away by that point to get away from him lol

I have 30 years experience of being a mental health clinician. I know of zero mental illnesses with the ‘symptoms’ your h presents with.

And ok, let’s say I’m wrong…if he really is ill or depressed it’s not safe or appropriate for him to be round the dcs - or you really, but you’re an adult so you can choose.

However this is very stressful for you and you are left having to be the adult in this scenario whilst he checks out of his real life.

please get some rl support via women’s aid or similar. He needs to be out of the family home regardless of the reason for this behaviour.

I suspect if you look back honestly you will identify shorter or milder episodes of such behaviour?

He sounds highly manipulative, again I know of zero conditions (apart from some sort of antisocial personality) that prevents him from treating his children pleasantly being able to exhibit totally normal behaviour to everyone else.

My take on this is that for some reason he is angry towards you, he has lost all respect for you, and he is an arrogant man.

You are left really with having to take control back and I’m sure this is very hard. Best wishes to you and the dc

My DH was like this when he was depressed. Would come in, not talk to anyone and then go to bed. It was excruciating for me and the children. He would flatly deny it was happening, but he was so unwell. He had a hormone imbalance that caused it and with treatment he became well again. But it was a long road and he was under the crisis team and had to move out for a period to stay with family as it was so difficult for the family.

Even now he acknowledges he was ill and is sorry it upset us but still can’t see how removed he was and how difficult it was. It’s like that part of his brain wasn’t working at the time.

Please do DM me and I can give more details if it would be helpful.

@Justalittlebitfurther
sorry to hear your dh was so unwell.

OP’s dp is his ‘normal happy self’ with people outside of the home environment so this does sound a little different. And he chose to take the dc on an outing but was virtually silent for the duration.

Possibly but my DH did manage to continue going to work and was able to hold conversations there. The distinction between MH and emotional abuse was really difficult to ascertain hence why he moved out. However, he was never like that before and hasn’t been since being on treatment.

I agree that it does sound different to my DH as he wouldn’t have taken the DC out at the time. I hope you manage to resolve the issues OP. The turning point for us was me insisting he left the family home.

These types of situations are often complex and confusing. As you rightly say the distinction can be difficult. Good to hear that your dh responded to treatment.

So even if I am wrong, and the op’s husband is sick, the children need protecting from his behaviour (regardless of its cause)

Heartbreaking, so sorry op.

His abuse seems to be applied to you all as a unit which makes me think he's got form for getting his own way behind closed doors. He's probably had the knockback, his ego is bruised and he feels he needs to give the ball another kick to regain his confidence, who knows but presently he's checked out and is being the most selfish cunt to his family.

Very nasty people do this, turn on their own families, yet denying his abuse.

The problem is op is he will not admit to you or to anyone else that he is dehumanising you all in the home, he will gaslight you by saying there is nothing wrong and if you seek support outside of the marriage he will say you are crazy.

I actually think @billy1966 has the best advice, to speak to the school and explain that this unexplained behaviour by your husband is causing your daughter to be unsettled and upset, this takes away his control of the narrative and may help your daughter get through this period.

I also think he may be pushing you to breaking point so as to kick him out for him to pretend to be single.

He really is an abusive arsehole, he clearly has no idea how profoundly this affects children, to feel discarded by your own father and see him doing the same to their mother.

Shocking.

Absolutely regardless of the cause your children (and yourself- they need you to be ok) need to be your first priority.

All the best OP.

I am a mandated parent in my daughters school through their playing hockey and tennis, and these issues have been clearly flagged, among others in the very short course we did.

This absolutely is a huge child protection issue and if she was to approach any of us for support, we would absolutely want to support her and her mum and contact school pastoral care for support for them going forward.

This is not unusual at all in schools.

He seems determined to punish and emotionally abandon all of you.

Their father’s failure to acknowledge their presence and engage with them must be so confusing, upsetting, and humiliating for your children. A shock to the system. You’ve indicated that this callous disregard has become the norm.

Such rejection can so easily be internalized and manifested as low
self-esteem and unworthiness, as well as trigger feelings of guilt and responsibility in the child, as in ‘Is this my fault?’ They are also witnessing H’s abusive treatment of you, which is a dysfunctional relationship model. The corrosive ramifications of these dynamics can be far-reaching.

This is a family crisis and should be treated as such. Notifying the schools is an excellent idea. In addition to that support, the children may well need counseling at some point.

I agree @MsDogLady and it's a tactic that many men use to appease their guilt or drive their wives to insanity, the fact he is also applying it to the children makes it all the more sinister.

Often women don't relise how abusive this treament is whilst they are being subjected to it, it is so blindsiding. It is a form of privation and is deeply harming, it is purposeful and done with intent, very cruel and shows a devious mind.

This is also the type of man who could make his children side with him, scapegoating the mother if they do not agree with him, I think he is subjecting them to this treatment so they become aware of what he will do, ie: ignoring them, alienating them in the future, if they support the mother.

I think he will start to talk to the children again and then when op eventually fights back they will side with the bully, they do it to survive, it's nasty stuff.

:(

I don’t know why you’re waiting. Your DD has already noticed and is already upset. The fact that she has spoken to you about it means that she is looking to you for answers or action.