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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has stopped talking to us

214 replies

BonnieB38 · 05/06/2023 01:50

I'm at such a loss with how my husband is behaving. He has just stopped interacting with myself and our 3 DC. No row nothing. He says there is nothing wrong, I have asked him if he's happy etc. No answers. Last night he took the children to a firework display and my oldest said he never spoke a word to them going to or from the event or when they were there. The kids are 16, 9 and 10.
He went away for a break with his friends in March and on reflection he hasn't been his normal happy loving self since then. I have asked if something happened while there and he said no.

I am aware he made friends with girls while there. The first day he was in contact with us 2nd day we heard absolutely nothing from him. I did ask him if he exchanged contact details and yes he did. I went through his phone and I seen photos of him and his friends with them but nothing to cause any concerns only they were missing from his gallery and in a what's app to one of the girls on a what's app msg. What does rise a question is she seems to have him.blocked on what's app as there is only one tick on the message and it was sent weeks ago.

This silent treatment is incredibly upsetting for us. We haven't done anything wrong and he is not giving any ideas of what is wrong.

OP posts:
JennyJenny8675309 · 06/06/2023 06:10

@Fisharejumping

It was an obviously photoshopped “mother” and son with his shirt pulled up. Her hand was on his chest. It was just weird!

billy1966 · 06/06/2023 09:44

MsDogLady · 06/06/2023 00:35

He seems determined to punish and emotionally abandon all of you.

Their father’s failure to acknowledge their presence and engage with them must be so confusing, upsetting, and humiliating for your children. A shock to the system. You’ve indicated that this callous disregard has become the norm.

Such rejection can so easily be internalized and manifested as low
self-esteem and unworthiness, as well as trigger feelings of guilt and responsibility in the child, as in ‘Is this my fault?’ They are also witnessing H’s abusive treatment of you, which is a dysfunctional relationship model. The corrosive ramifications of these dynamics can be far-reaching.

This is a family crisis and should be treated as such. Notifying the schools is an excellent idea. In addition to that support, the children may well need counseling at some point.

Completely agree.

Anxiety and depression are often the result of emotional abuse as is CPTSD.

Your poor children must be internalising so much stress and confusion.

I really hope you will contact their schools, especially your daughters doing exams.

Original poster
BonnieB38 · 17/06/2023 10:48

So things have still been the same he's still very withdrawn. This morning he completely lost his head because I didn't mention I was going to be working tomorrow. He was so angry he had tears in his eyes. He let me know that he was not happy with his life and he hated me in front of our children. He called me other names and told me to look after them myself. My daughter was very upset and pushed him away when he tried to hug her. He's since texted me to day he f**ked up big time. I'm so upset more so because my kids heard him

OP posts:
SuffolkUnicorn · 17/06/2023 10:53

OP please leave him he is an abuser

LaDamaDeElche · 17/06/2023 10:54

I’m so sorry to hear that. It looks like things have come to a head and he’s going to have to talk and acknowledge why he’s been behaving like that. It’s up to you afterwards whether you think anything is salvageable. If you think it is you can’t let him off lightly just to get back to normal or he’ll do it again. This can never happen again.

SuffolkUnicorn · 17/06/2023 10:55

I grew up in a household like this along with my mother ‘sending me to Coventry’ since I was 3 it’s damaging is an understatement

Eudaimonia5 · 17/06/2023 10:55

Ok, nope! Get rid! There's no way you can have someone like that in your house. How dare he speak to you like that, regardless of whether children were present. But the fact he did it in front of the children would be the final straw.

I'm sorry you and your children are going through this.

ReturnoftheMuck · 17/06/2023 11:04

BonnieB38 · 17/06/2023 10:48

So things have still been the same he's still very withdrawn. This morning he completely lost his head because I didn't mention I was going to be working tomorrow. He was so angry he had tears in his eyes. He let me know that he was not happy with his life and he hated me in front of our children. He called me other names and told me to look after them myself. My daughter was very upset and pushed him away when he tried to hug her. He's since texted me to day he f**ked up big time. I'm so upset more so because my kids heard him

You need to take steps to end your marriage. This is a form of abuse and they do not need to witness this.

thecatsmeows · 17/06/2023 11:10

I take it that if you are working tomorrow he will be the one who will be the on duty parent? If so, I agree with @itsmylife7 ... He wants to live a single life, doesn't want family life anymore.

My father was also triggered by a trip abroad, when he came back he was like your husband, 'The Good Life' was a popular tv show at the time and my stupid father actually wanted to do the same thing...much to the horror of my mother! Him taking work abroad and her becoming (along with myself and my two brothers) a 'trailing spouse' was actually the 'compromise' they agreed on. My mother should have told him to fuck off, she basically threw our childhood under a bus to save her marriage.

itwasntmetho · 17/06/2023 12:15

Your kids already knew.

namechanged9999 · 17/06/2023 12:21

You are facilitating this by staying and you’re damaging your poor children by staying. You need to leave. They will eventually blame you for staying and putting them through this and they’d be right. Irreparable damage has already been done.

TheShellBeach · 17/06/2023 12:31

You need to be brave and put your children first, OP.
You need to leave this abusive man.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/06/2023 12:39

Cherchez la femme, op. So sorry - might be emotional, might be physical as well, but he’s had his head turned one way or the other and checked out of your marriage.

Beaverbridge · 17/06/2023 12:52

Somethings brought it to a head with him. Tell him your filing for divorce. He's maybe had plans tomo and you've scuppered them.

whynotwhatknot · 17/06/2023 13:04

what do you want op-hes not responsding to anything says theres nothing wrong apart from he hates his life

hes now taking it outon the kids how long are you going to let this go on

jenny38 · 17/06/2023 13:23

This is awful op. Your children will have these memories forever. It may effect their self esteem and their ability to form positive relationships when older. Please please leave him. He is harming your children and yourself

pointythings · 17/06/2023 13:39

Time to tell him he either sorts himself the fuck out or you're getting a divorce.

NotEverORNever · 17/06/2023 14:40

Has he somewhere he can go if you ask him to leave for a while?

Or is there somewhere you and the girls can go?

billy1966 · 17/06/2023 16:00

Those poor children.

How can you stand by and watch them being emotionally abused and damaged?

Unbelievable.

Did you contact your daughters school to tell them she is being abused?

This is so for them.

MsDogLady · 17/06/2023 16:17

Bonnie, this is outrageous. Please take action and send him packing. Your children are being harmed.

His behavior is destructive. His ongoing detachment, blanking the children at the outing, and now his verbally violent outburst — all of this is traumatizing. Your children are at great risk for suffering poor emotional health and unhealthy future relationships.

What is keeping you from telling this abusive punisher to leave?

ExitChasedByAMemory · 17/06/2023 16:45

BonnieB38 · 17/06/2023 10:48

So things have still been the same he's still very withdrawn. This morning he completely lost his head because I didn't mention I was going to be working tomorrow. He was so angry he had tears in his eyes. He let me know that he was not happy with his life and he hated me in front of our children. He called me other names and told me to look after them myself. My daughter was very upset and pushed him away when he tried to hug her. He's since texted me to day he f**ked up big time. I'm so upset more so because my kids heard him

But the question is OP, what are you going to do about it? You and the children have already had tolerate his silent treatments and for him to take them out only to ignore them completely and then he’s perfectly fine and acts “normally” around others. What has that been doing them and you? And now for them to witness him treat you this way? For your daughter to push him away when he tried to hug her. Do you think any of this normal or healthy to live for you or the children? What would you do if your daughter was to grow up one day and then told you all these things that she’s going through that you’re current experiencing? Would you tell her that it’s ok?

You need to show to your children that you’re willing to put them first and that you will not stand for that and if that means that you will separate from your husband then so be it.

He clearly hates his life since he went to his holiday abroad and probably missed having his “freedom” to meet whoever he wanted. It almost feels like he’s reaching a midlife crisis a little earlier. And he needs to see what he truly values.

Original poster
BonnieB38 · 17/06/2023 17:25

I need to set an example to my children and show them this won't be tolerated. I won't be sticking around. How could I possibly stay with someone who in front of my precious children say what he said. It's not happening. I don't want him and I most definitely don't need him.

OP posts:
Ellie450 · 17/06/2023 17:28

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/06/2023 12:39

Cherchez la femme, op. So sorry - might be emotional, might be physical as well, but he’s had his head turned one way or the other and checked out of your marriage.

Yes, this. If finding out that you were working on the weekend made him lose his mind to the point that he was crying and yelling that he hates you then it sounds very much like he had plans with someone. The reaction just doesn’t make sense otherwise.

Not to mention that crying and yelling that he hates you sounds more like teenage girl behaviour than that of a grown man with a wife. Talk about the ick. 🤢

HostaLuago · 17/06/2023 18:02

What a pathetic pile of shit he is, poor lamb clearly has found some sort of new life and thinks he can just erase his previous life without consequences.

He needs to go.

And fgs do not get this creature a father's day present.
Take care and keep safe any more aggresive behaviour, call the police.

Beaverbridge · 17/06/2023 18:25

Good for you OP. Time to put a halt to this abuser. Take charge, it's affecting your kids life's now. Even if there is another female lurking, shes welcome to him. Twat that he is.