Is it him, me or just incompatibility?

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Been with DP for 9 years, we have been talking about marriage and moving in together.

For context, I come from a dysfunctional family background whereas his parents are still together and the whole family is very close. It was one of the things that attracted me to him.

Anyway, I feel as if I'm always his last priority. EG, family members need help with something and immediately he'll do it. If it's me then it'll get put off or just never done.

I understand it is not his fault I don't have family support and I need to make this clear, I am absolutely NOT suggesting I am put before anyone else, just that I have equal consideration. If ever he needs anything from me I automatically do it because I want to and he is part of my family, married or not.

How can I marry someone who is supposed to also be my family but I'm not afforded the same respect?

So at the beginning of the week I told him this. I'll be honest, looking back at my tone I was accusatory ( I wasn't swearing or anything, just more, you keep doing this) rather than 'hey, this is how I feel lets talk about it'.

So he told me he wouldn't be speaking to me until the end of week. I can understand him being annoyed at me if he doesn't think that's the case, but for a week? Surely a cooling off period of even a night then speak about it the next day. I feel as if I'm just being punished and once again, my feelings aren't valid.

There have been other occasions he's just not spoken to me for days if we've disagreed and it makes me feel really low and vulnerable. It solidifies how I already felt.

I feel like I'm just crazy and I'm expecting too much. I don't know what to. Is this something that is reasonable but I'm looking too much into it because I haven't had healthy family relationships?

What will he do if we disagree once we're married, just leave and stay with his parents for the week and not speak to me?

He sounded so calm and reasonable when he said it I feel like I've completely got this all wrong, but that's genuinely how I feel. I text him about something necessary a couple of days ago, tbh it didn't need a reply it was for information, but he just left it on read. Not even an 'ok'.

We're both late 30's if that matters. And I'm on the waiting list for therapy.

This is all him. He doesn't respect you and refuses to communicate like an adult. Don't marry him.

Silent treatment and stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse. It feels like a punishment because it is, and now you're sitting there wondering what it is you've done wrong, and thinking maybe you deserve it because of your tone. This is not a healthy dynamic.

I would strongly suggest against marrying such a man. How he handles conflict now is how he'll always handle it.

Gosh he sounds awful. You deserve better than this

Don't stay with someone who uses the silent treatment as a punishment and control tactic.

Echoing all of the above. He is abusive and controlling. This will never get better.

This is bringing back memories for me OP. His behaviour is not OK, and will probably only get worse if you get married.

Thank you so much everyone, you've brought a tear to my eye.

thinking maybe you deserve it because of your tone This is exactly how I feel. MY communication should have been better in the first instance.

It just feels so cruel that he knows I'm sitting here myself while he is surrounded by family (he lives with them after landlord sold the flat he was renting).

I just don;t want to be the needy, messed up person ruining things. I don't normally feel I act that way, but this time I'm really struggling because it's a cycle and with all the wedding talk.

He has said lots of times he wants to spend his whole life with me, that I just always overthink everything so it causes problems. And I do overthink a lot of things so he isn't wrong. I suppose it's because when he is worried about something I automatically try to make him feel better, but if it's me then it seems like it annoys him. Then I get upset which makes me look like I'm an emotional wreck who just cries.

Thank you again. I know it's not good even if it's solely down to a mismatch of personalities. It's really difficult because because despite these things, he's the only person who has made me feel truly loved.

Then the next minute it's like he doesn't care about me at all, and my brain can't rationalise what is happening.

From what you've said here, it's him OP, not you. It's completely unacceptable to treat you to the silent treatment for days and days to punish you for raising a valid worry.

So, does nobody think that it would be reasonable for someone to want to take a break from communicating?

I genuinely don't know if I'm making this sound worse than it is. Maybe he thinks we'll end up arguing so is trying to prevent that? I haven't been back in touch and he's not contacted me.

I think I'll end up hearing from him at the weekend. He'll be normal and if I'm upset then it makes it worse. I just think I'll feel worse if he literally sticks to the time line. As in, how could he know it will take him exactly 6 days to not be annoyed at me?

Sorry, I sound like a child here. This is my worry, I'm not mature enough to how to navigate a grown up relationship.

he's the only person who has made me feel truly loved.

Then the next minute it's like he doesn't care about me at all, and my brain can't rationalise what is happening.

A well known tactic used to keep you on your toes and focusing on his moods. Very bad for your mental health.
Read up on the cycle of abuse.

This. Never mind any of the other issues, you do not want to be with someone who does this.

Not in the circumstances.

I mean if someone close to me confessed it was them who murdered my best friend then some time to process it might be reasonable, but not in the routine course of a relationship.

A few minutes, maybe, if you need time to calm down. Not 6 days.

I mean, I could have reached out and said 'that's not how I wanted things to go, let's talk about it', but I haven't. So realistically we're doing the same thing?

Either way I don't think this is a great match. I also don't want to take unhealthy behaviours into a future relationship (although another relationship is the last thing on my mind! I would just like to know I'm normal enough that I could in the future if I wanted to if that makes sense).

I genuinely don't know if I'm making this sound worse than it is. Maybe he thinks we'll end up arguing so is trying to prevent that? I haven't been back in touch and he's not contacted me.

If he can't have a conversation without arguing that's on him. You're not making it sound worse than he is.

Is it your house or shared?

how could he know it will take him exactly 6 days to not be annoyed at me?

Again this is a control tactic. The exact numbers aren't important to him but the control is. It keeps you in suspense waiting for his approval.

If he / the two of you are really unable to discuss differences of opinion that make you feel emotional or uncomfortable without arguing, then you can't have a functional relationship.

It's not like the problem you argued about in the first place will magically disappear after 6 days.

He just hopes he can browbeat you into putting up with it.

Hence people saying he is using the silent treatment as a control and punishment tactic.

We're not living together the moment.

I suppose you're actually right there. It would only become an argument if he wanted it too. Generally that happens because I'm prone to getting tearful and I know that is probably quite annoying when you're trying to have a conversation. I'd bet most adults can manage to hold themselves together so I am absolutely not blameless here.

Think I've gotten to the stage I really don't feel as though I can continue this pattern, whether it would be best to leave or try couples counselling as a last attempt.

Honestly it's been going on for 9 years and you're the only one trying to improve things.

I'd tell him to stay gone. He's not worth your time.

I think you've had a lucky escape by realising how miserable he'd make you if you married.

Imagine this for the next 40 yrs OP - and i'd bet my boots he gets worse if you were to marry

It's impossible to judge on how un/reasonable he is on how he prioritises people because there,are no examples. It isna price you pay for close families, though. They do eat into time with each other.
But totally unreasonable to announce he won't speak to you for a week. Cheeky fucker. He's a controlling arse.
If things are great going into a marriage, they're not going to get better after the marriage. Think hard if this is the future you want.

He's not going to change. I would end it I"m afraid. Not talking to you because you brought this up is his way of saying he's not going to change. He won't. He may promise to if you end it, and he may even manage for a couple of weeks. But he'll always default to putting his family first.

After 9 years of this, he really really won't change.

Doh. Sorry.

It is a price you pay for close families.

If things aren't great going into a marriage, they're not going to get better after the wedding.

That's it.

Mostly if I bring something up it doesn't get resolved. We just don't speak then gloss over it, because I hate conflict and miss him when I don't see him so don't want to cause an argument. Just want a cuddle and for everyone to be happy!

But as you say, the problem is still there. I genuinely have tried to resolve any issues calmly, but as I say, if he gets annoyed I get upset so I think I'm overly sensitive and IF I am in a relationship maybe it would be best with someone a bit more laid back who is ok talking things through.

I pre-empt us not talking so bottle it up instead until I physically can't anymore. Again, not healthy.

He is emotionally abusing you by his stonewalling. He is punishing you. That is seriously nasty behaviour. Couples counselling is NOT recommended when there is any kind of abuse in the relationship.

You say in your OP that you are on a waiting list for therapy. It is highly likely that if you were to dump this horrible man and get rid of him out of your life, your mental health would improve dramatically and you wouldn't need therapy at all.

One example is I asked him months ago to take some things to the tip for me as I don't drive and it's a five minute drive from his (parents) house, he passes it on the way back from mine. He's not done it even though I've basically pleaded as I don't have the space and things are tight financially for an uplift.

Parents (who both drive and also live five minutes away) asked him to take stuff and he did it immediately.

It really isn't about doing things for anyone else, it's feeling like I don't matter at all. I feel trapped because of my circumstances, which are not his fault, but if you love someone surely it would be easy to do something so simple?

That's one kind of petty example but it's things like that all the time.

Another was his sister was upset about worrying her Mum about something (vague I know) so he cuddled her and told her it was ok (as a normal person would). I was worried about his Mum and he told me I overthink and cause all the problems and scoffed at me.

His family have no idea I feel this way, we get on great and I wouldn't say anything as it's not their fault/problem.