Is it him, me or just incompatibility?

[8counts]

Been with DP for 9 years, we have been talking about marriage and moving in together.

For context, I come from a dysfunctional family background whereas his parents are still together and the whole family is very close. It was one of the things that attracted me to him.

Anyway, I feel as if I'm always his last priority. EG, family members need help with something and immediately he'll do it. If it's me then it'll get put off or just never done.

I understand it is not his fault I don't have family support and I need to make this clear, I am absolutely NOT suggesting I am put before anyone else, just that I have equal consideration. If ever he needs anything from me I automatically do it because I want to and he is part of my family, married or not.

How can I marry someone who is supposed to also be my family but I'm not afforded the same respect?

So at the beginning of the week I told him this. I'll be honest, looking back at my tone I was accusatory ( I wasn't swearing or anything, just more, you keep doing this) rather than 'hey, this is how I feel lets talk about it'.

So he told me he wouldn't be speaking to me until the end of week. I can understand him being annoyed at me if he doesn't think that's the case, but for a week? Surely a cooling off period of even a night then speak about it the next day. I feel as if I'm just being punished and once again, my feelings aren't valid.

There have been other occasions he's just not spoken to me for days if we've disagreed and it makes me feel really low and vulnerable. It solidifies how I already felt.

I feel like I'm just crazy and I'm expecting too much. I don't know what to. Is this something that is reasonable but I'm looking too much into it because I haven't had healthy family relationships?

What will he do if we disagree once we're married, just leave and stay with his parents for the week and not speak to me?

He sounded so calm and reasonable when he said it I feel like I've completely got this all wrong, but that's genuinely how I feel. I text him about something necessary a couple of days ago, tbh it didn't need a reply it was for information, but he just left it on read. Not even an 'ok'.

We're both late 30's if that matters. And I'm on the waiting list for therapy.

8counts

Think about what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. What sort of example did your parents show you?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this man now and like the others he is abusive too. Please contact Women’s Aid and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme particularly before embarking on any future relationship. Your children will also thank you for doing so.

So he bends over backwards and is fantastic to his family, and no doubt they think the sun shines out of his arse.

You on the other hand are his whipping boy.

How about you needing a little time to think things over. He won't like a taste of his own medicine.

He's a very cruel man.

In the past he's occasionally slammed doors or broken things being too rough because of his temper, but not for over 3 years so I thought things were getting better. They have in that respect.

Although one of my exes kicked me in the face and hit me with a weapon while I was sleeping (pre-kids) and I didn't leave immediately so I'm not sure my bar is set that high!

I cannot understand how someone can see someone they love in distress then look at them as if they're the shit off their shoe (pardon my language).

They can't, people in love don't do this. He doesn't love you. That feeling you feel for him, that's also not love. Romantic love doesn't feel like that.

@AttilaTheMeerkat their relationship was awful. I was glad when they divorced.

Dad went on to meet a lovely woman and has a healthy relationship. Mum has repeated the same pattern.

Dad was quick tempered and I was scared of him although I understand he had it a lot worse and was trying his best.

Mum still emotionally abuses us as adults so we eventually cut contact. Sibling relationships are damaged too because I think we trigger each other tbh, we remind each other of when we had that horrible home life so aren't as close as we were. It's an unspoken understanding almost.

@MyStarBoy yes. He is the golden boy.

It's difficult to hear. But I know you're right. That's why I'm confused because I could never do that so I don't understand it.

It's really upsetting thought. I thought he loved me. He's also said he loved exes, did he love them but not me? I know he doesn't speak to any of them but surely he's capable of love to some people, ex or kids or family, just not me!

Do you mean co dependency from my end? I feel as if I love him because I wouldn't treat him badly. I find him physically attracted, he has ALWAYS made me feel comfortable in a sexual sense. I want him to be happy, I care about his well being, I just don't want to be upset anymore.

He's also said he loved exes

Not enough to make it work with them...

Who knows. Maybe he did. Maybe he thinks he loves you.

It's what you do that counts, not what you say.

So he told me he wouldn't be speaking to me until the end of week.

Oh hell no. No no no no no. Please leave him as he will only break you emotionally and mentally.

Ditch him and don't date any man until you've had some decent therapy on yourself. For you to consider him not speaking to you as normal is quite frightening how far he has trained you. He's abusing you.

Thank you. He's been the best of a bad bunch I suppose. I guess it is frightening. I've no idea what's right or wrong. I know what I do, but I also know people are different and I've been told consistently I'm too emotional and too soft, friends and family aren't my true friends and family.. One person says it to you ok, but 3? I get that'll be down who I'm drawn to though and I think a PP might he right, I'm thinking I'm going for different but they have all reminded me in some ways of my parents. Or each other.

It is you- choosing abusive, shit men.
You need to choose yourself, what would you say if this was happening to a friend of yours?

This is the equivalent of him sending you to your room for being naughty (having emotions and needs).
Giving a set punishment time! Outrageous!
Yes he is training you to be submissive, and happy with any scraps he is willing to throw you.
Of course he wouldn't punish his family members for having emotions and needs! No-one else would put up with that ridiculous shit. Just you.

I'm glad to hear that you already have your own place and independence from this man.
I hope you see your worth.

Please learn to drive! It is pure freedom.

I've tried so many times! Numerous lessons. I've had to pull over due to panic attacks and right now I couldn't afford to continue it anyway. However I could have (and now am going to now) put a small bit away each month until I have enough to get my junk taken away instead of relying on someone. I just didn't really think it was a big ask at the time, especially if he can do it for people who do actually have a car, money to do it if they didn't want to themselves, and live closer. That sounds bitter doesn't it? It's not meant to. It's just what I've thought when I've tried to figure out whether I've been unreasonable or not. I think it's lovely he helps out, I just feel bad he won't do the same for me.

You've been together 9 years (NINE YEARS!) and not even cohabited? Unless there's some particular circumstances you've omitted that sounds an exceptionally long time to have not progressed things. And until you've lived together, it's difficult to know if you're compatible. But given his attitude, you're clearly not compatible anyway. You're not his priority, you're the opposite - bottom of the pile. That's not going to change now, it's too well established. I'm sorry, but you've been flogging a dead horse for the last 8 years. He's been future faking for way too long now.

And yes, cutting communication as a punishment like that is controlling behaviour.

Thank you. You are completely right. Even reading back what I've written and remembering things from both this relationship and my previous ones I'm saying to myself, what the hell are you thinking? I tell my friends immediately they deserve more and mean it. It clearly don't like myself as much as I like them! Easier when it's not you and you can see it more clearly.

Also, at the start no one is horrible and I guess I overlook early signs as they are so nice and acting as if they are doing everything for my benefit. I don't have a life outside the house anymore unless it's through the children and I honestly thought I was content with that. That is the first thing I'm going to try and change. A coffee or walk with a friend, maybe even join a fitness class and make new friends.

Sorry, another question. I said I've put on weight (2 stone) which I'm not happy about. When I met him I was a stone lighter than now, and when we got back together years ago I was 2 stone lighter then now and felt great. He said I looked great at the time. When I've spoken about losing weight he now says I was too thin (healthy BMI whereas now I am not) and he doesn't want me to lose weight. I thought he was trying to reassure me he didn't care I was over weight but now I'm thinking was that another red flag I missed? It would make me happier and healthier to lose it. He text me a completely randomly a few weeks ago and said it again and that he means it. I wasn't frightened in the slightest may I add, just disappointed he felt that way because I think it'll make me feel better. The 'and I mean it' sounds bad but that's not how I took it. Or maybe I did if I thought 'well, maybe try lose less then'. I definitely didn't take it as aggressive.

Sorry, I know it's frustrating to read what should be obvious to other people. I'm really thankful for what everyone has said and am trying to get it all right in my head.

Keep going with the driving! You'll get used to it and you'll be fine.
I agree don't marry him - sounds awful.
I wouldn't be so sure his family are all that either. He's learned his behaviour from somewhere and it sounds like they have some kind of hold on him getting him to do errands all the time. That silent treatment approach is horrible too- very manipulative. Could his family be like that potentially given you've never heard them arguing and they seem so fantastic yet have this psycho dependent son??
Run for the hills!

Urge. He sounds awful. Fancy refusing to speak to you for so long.

Even if your tone was accusatory, so what? He can say so and then you change your tone and move in to deal with the issues.

So he prioritises his family over you? This is so familiar. It will never change and it will get worse.

My stbexh had an unnatural relationship with his parents. If he thought we'd be late to meet them, he would speed through red lights and mount pavements to get there on time. Risking my and the dcs lives.

Do not believe that it's a healthy family dynamo because his parents are still together and that they all seem close knit. It can mean nothing of the sort. It can mean quite a toxic set up.

He's a controlling, cruel, self righteous man. You don't need that shit in your life.

Op, you sound very rational and normal. He is messing with your head.

I guess it is frightening. I've no idea what's right or wrong.
Thats why its frightening. He's trained you so well that you don't know what is normal anymore. The way he is treating you is not normal. Dont accept it.

I also know people are different and I've been told consistently I'm too emotional and too soft, friends and family aren't my true friends and family..
When someone tries to isolate you from friends and family then run for your life. Its classic abusive behaviour. Its in the handbook.

Please open your eyes. He is not a good person.

I just wanted to add my support too. I've been where you are. The silent treatment feels like being abandoned. It's lonely and painful and it's very cruel. He's basically hurting you and that isn't love. It really isn't. Love is supportive, understanding, listening, problem solving. Not ignoring, abandoning, deflecting, blaming and judging.

I got out of the ' as soon as we hug and make up everything will be better again' cycle (it's hard as that part feel like such a relief after the pain of being ignored for days - apparently this is called 'trauma bonding') by just thinking to myself: would I say this or do this to him? To anyone? It was a resounding no. I resolved there and then that I would never be happy with this person. Our children were close too but young enough (under 6) to forget about me in time, or old enough (over 12) to understand why it needed to end. You may just have to let your children now that you'll be doing activities with other friends from now on.

I really hate to think of you holding out all week for this cruel person. Please don't. Just remove him from your life. You can amke it right for your kids - they'll understand eventually. he'll start doing this to them eventually if you live together or marry.

He probably drops everything for his family as otherwise he gets the silent treatment and outcast too - he's probably had it all his life, I would put money on them being emotionally void too - 'no such thing as a problem' types. I bet his family is much more dysfunctional than you realise.

Stay strong. You sound really nice. Not too nice - that isn't possible! Listen to your friends - they are the reality.

OMG - I put on 2 stone in 18months with my silent treatment ex too! I had never put on that much in such a short time. He was constantly feeding me chocolate, sweets (even in the middle of the night!). I think he was a feeder. Trying to fatten me up so that (he thought) other men wouldn't find me attractive. I split from him a year ago and lost a stone already by just going back to normal eating.
I'm sure men are more toxic than women!

We cohabited for a short period until we separated 7 years ago. At the time it was due to the stress caused by his ex who did not want me to have a relationship with his children so kept withholding contact. She did it before with his previous partner and they ended up not lasting a year because of how stressful it was. Added on to that, he was difficult to live with at the time but I put that down to the court proceedings because I couldn't imagine not being allowed to see my own children so I understood. After we got back together I didn't feel in a rush to live together again. He did, but I felt with children involved we should keep the status quo and I have a good relationship with his despite the fact she'd still rather none of us saw them. That's a whole other thread.

Recently we have been talking about getting married and moving in together and I was really happy about it, yet now the old problems are resurfacing even more and that's why I posted because I just can't bind myself to someone full-time if this is how it's going to be and I didn't know if it's down to me. He accepted I didn't want to live with him before and I guess that's because the children were younger and as ridiculous as I am, I did not want it risk it not working again and he knew I wouldn't budge.

It's almost as if as soon as I feel secure and happy and make future plans, it gets worse. But he has always been the one to want to do all this so why is it worse when we should both be happy? Surely it's what he's wanted all this time? Now I feel I was right to hold off because nothings changed after all these years. When I think back I remember walking on egg shells constantly, but I also felt so bad our relationship was causing so much upset with his children.

I'm a fool I know, the whole thing written down sounds a mess for everyone.

Thank you so much everyone again xx

@trythisforsize The silent treatment feels like being abandoned. It's lonely and painful

This is absolutely it. You've articulated this perfectly. I've been adding more as I've went on but this is exactly how it makes me feel and why I posted about that and not everything else. Even I know that people can disagree and want a breather before continuing the discussion, but there is no discussion...I'm just 'thinking too much into it', we then don't talk then I'm so happy we are getting on again, and I'm getting that cuddle I need that I push it down until it comes up again. Really hurt me last week when I'd raised a valid concern that a family member had raised the exact same day, although they got a cuddle and kind words and I got smirk and told I'm always the problem for thinking too much. That was in private to me, the niceness to family member was in front of me and others. I actually remember thinking how nice it was he was so caring.

I've noticed that cruel men often do these public shows of affection. I now believe it's in order to discredit anyone who says he was cruel to them. So if you were to tell his family that he upset you on purpose - they just would believe it because 'he' sooo caring'. It's all a smokescreen to protect himself, and discredit you.

I would imagine they would blame me, yes. One thing I will say is no matter what, they will stand by their own immediate family. I know that sounds normal and perhaps is, but when any of them have done something completely wrong they close ranks. Husband and wife are to protect themselves and their children and vice versa, but their children's husbands and partners shouldn't be regarded as important as they regard their own marriage/family. I get on well with them when I see them at family events ,but I'm not overly involved and have noticed this. Come to think of it, his brothers wife doesn't attend any family events although she is lovely and when I have seen her she gets on with the family. Maybe there's more to it than I thought.