Is it him, me or just incompatibility?

[8counts]

Been with DP for 9 years, we have been talking about marriage and moving in together.

For context, I come from a dysfunctional family background whereas his parents are still together and the whole family is very close. It was one of the things that attracted me to him.

Anyway, I feel as if I'm always his last priority. EG, family members need help with something and immediately he'll do it. If it's me then it'll get put off or just never done.

I understand it is not his fault I don't have family support and I need to make this clear, I am absolutely NOT suggesting I am put before anyone else, just that I have equal consideration. If ever he needs anything from me I automatically do it because I want to and he is part of my family, married or not.

How can I marry someone who is supposed to also be my family but I'm not afforded the same respect?

So at the beginning of the week I told him this. I'll be honest, looking back at my tone I was accusatory ( I wasn't swearing or anything, just more, you keep doing this) rather than 'hey, this is how I feel lets talk about it'.

So he told me he wouldn't be speaking to me until the end of week. I can understand him being annoyed at me if he doesn't think that's the case, but for a week? Surely a cooling off period of even a night then speak about it the next day. I feel as if I'm just being punished and once again, my feelings aren't valid.

There have been other occasions he's just not spoken to me for days if we've disagreed and it makes me feel really low and vulnerable. It solidifies how I already felt.

I feel like I'm just crazy and I'm expecting too much. I don't know what to. Is this something that is reasonable but I'm looking too much into it because I haven't had healthy family relationships?

What will he do if we disagree once we're married, just leave and stay with his parents for the week and not speak to me?

He sounded so calm and reasonable when he said it I feel like I've completely got this all wrong, but that's genuinely how I feel. I text him about something necessary a couple of days ago, tbh it didn't need a reply it was for information, but he just left it on read. Not even an 'ok'.

We're both late 30's if that matters. And I'm on the waiting list for therapy.

Silent treatment, stonewalling, blowing hot and cold, gaslighting - all forms of emotional abuse. It's not you and it's not due to poor communication or mismatched personalities. Couple's counselling will not work. Please, OP, end the relationship. You deserve much better than this.

He told you not to!
Stop putting this on yourself.

It's not you OP. This is not on you.

My ex did the same tactics. Down to deciding he wouldn't speak to me for X days. If we had a discussion he couldn't handle it, he'd get mad, storm off slamming doors and be out of contact til whenever he decided. Then we couldn't discuss it, it had to be glossed over, or else he'd twist my words and gaslight the hell out of me. Please do not marry someone who 'communicates' like this. I'm now going through a divorce and trying to juggle dc custody and it's a real nightmare at times. It won't get better. Counselling isn't what you need.

As soon as I got shut of my ex my mental health improved immensely. No more walking on eggshells trying to avoid conflict or silent treatment! I feel so much lighter. Please get therapy for yourself but to process the split, not to 'fix' this relationship.

This man is only going to make your life miserable. Take your power back and end it now. He needs a fright as he thinks he can treat you however he likes. That doesn't mean go back when he starts begging as he will. He seems to like to have you in a downward place. And after 9 years he doesn't sound like he is moving the relationship on still living with his family.
A good book to read is Susan Forward Emotional Blackmail. You will find see him and his horrible mean tactics.
Start planning stuff for your own life so you are not tempted back by loneliness as it will be hard for a while. Visit friends or take up a new interest to distract your mind. Therapy will be really helpful.
Best thing for you is to listen to your own gut...trust yourself. He is treating you badly and in your belly you know that..guess what ..you are right. Don't double think saying its your childhood etc. It's HIM. And he doesn't deserve you.

I have looked into gaslighting because when I tried to think of a solution to an issue, he acted like he couldn't understand what I was saying. It's the face, it looks like he's laughing at me with his eyes, does that make sense? Then ask slowly as if speaking to a child what I mean when I'm not a stupid person and know (believe?) I've explained myself properly.

I just don't know how he can be so different when communicating with some people then the opposite to me so I think it must be me. And it's not all the time, sometimes he'll be nice about it so it's very confusing.

But no one else makes me feel so low. I cannot understand how someone can see someone they love in distress then look at them as if they're the shit off their shoe (pardon my language). It's a horrible feeling and does remind me of being younger and how I was treated so that's why I know it's not all him. If I was a normal person he would respect me more and/or I'd have told him to go a long time ago.

if he gets annoyed I get upset so I think I'm overly sensitive

It should be ok for you to get upset. This is supposed to be your partner, who is there to support, love and understand you, not fly off the handle any time you don't maintain perfect calm.

It's perfectly possible to have a productive, mutually respectful discussion about something that has upset one of you while one of you is in floods of tears, as long as the other person is not a fuckwit.

Done it many times!

He doesn’t care about you @8counts . Not whatsoever.

None if his actions are the ones who truly loves, cares and respect you.

The control/silent treatment is just another symptom of that.

Just get this into your head.

He does NOT love you. He simply enjoys torturing and controlling you.

If I was a normal person he would respect me more

Oh OP, really it isn't you. This is who he is.

Xxx

I just don't know how he can be so different when communicating with some people then the opposite to me so I think it must be me.

And by the same token, you can communicate very well with other people so if there is a breakdown in communication, it must be him??

I am m’y DH’s world not his family or mine. We are family that come first. Silent treatment is abusive and never ever normal. It sounds like after 9years you need to run away

The more you post the worse he sounds. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's keeping you on the Blackfoot, always on the defensive, waiting for his decision about how to progress. He might be better than what you grew up with but tbh that sounds like quite a low bar.

*backfoot!

OP this really isn’t you, and sadly you won’t get through to him. I’ve had similar with my DH.

In your case, he’s punishing you for raising an issue; he’s hoping you’ll miss him, reach out and ask him to come back so he gets to swan back in without addressing the issue or his behaviour.
Him being more supportive or helpful to others but not you won’t change just because you live together or get married. You’ll just feel worse because you can’t fathom how he can behave like that when you are supposed to be a team.
You'll drive yourself mad and tie yourself in knots trying to think of better ways to approach him, or how you can change to make things better, but it doesn’t matter what you do because you’re not the one handling things in the wrong way.

Best thing you can do is wait for him to come back to you, then tell him you’ve had enough of him going off and acting like you don’t exist when he doesn’t want to deal with something, and if it happens again you won’t be sticking around. Then tell him you’d still like to address the issue you raised as it’s not resolved.
Its rubbish having to go round in circles but I forced my DH to have the discussions, so he realised no matter how long he tried to avoid it, it wasn’t going away (unless he wanted us to separate).

Thank you so much for your kindness.

Think it's hard when no one is ever all bad. I've seen him happy, upset and also he has made me feel loved. I can't imagine him intentionally using tactics. I guess I'm naive, I just can't get my head round people would pre-plan it. I thought it was solely a reaction and on occasions everyone has reacted in a way they probably shouldn't have.

I'm really sorry, I know I'm being annoying. I truly am listening to everyone and I'm so grateful for the support. I know I posted but it's hard to hear so I'm arguing with myself inwardly.

If I was a normal person he would respect me more

If HE was a normal person, he would respect you! Nit respect you more just simply respect you like he should respect any other person around him.
EVERYONE deserves respect @8counts . Not just some people. And you dint need to prove y are worthy of it. It should come as standard.

All of us strangers here understand what you are saying, and you understand what we are saying.

Therefore, you can communicate. It’s not you.

It doesn’t matter if it’s planned or subconscious though.

The end result is that he is treating you badly and you shouldn’t accept it.

Well said.

but if you love someone surely it would be easy to do something so simply?

Well, you'd think so, wouldn't you? So what does that tell you?

If he does love you, is this the sort of way you want him to show you his love?

Judge Judy has a great saying. Once men get into their 30s, they're cooked. They can't change. A boiled egg can't become a poached egg. This is who he is and you can't change the true essence of him. So you only have two questions to answer really. Is this man with his behaviours and his attitude towards you that you want to live with for the next possibly 50 years of your life? If you met a guy who put you first, listened to your concerns, calmly communicated his, showed you how he loved you, would you choose him or your present b/f?
You don't have to settle out of fear. He honestly doesn't seem much of a loss.

It's not you OP

You know it's not

Don't respond when he deigns to contact you after the 6 days are up.

You deserve better than this!

Thank you.

Yes, respect should be the default and that's how I approach things so it's very confusing the person that is supposed to love you doesn't do that.

Just reading that kind of flipped a switch. I'm not asking too much. I'm not crazy and I deserve to be treated like everyone else.

I have hummed and hawed about posting this for days while eating myself up on how I could have done things differently.

Thank you all so much. I know right now I'm feeling more confident but I don't know how I'll be when I'm certain he gets in touch in a couple of days.

Would it be ok to post again here please? Might use it as a diary of sorts to remind myself that things will be better without him.

He's training you.

Training you not to complain. Because you feel so bad when he walks off and ignores you, you will start doing ANYTHING to avoid him behaving this way. Backing down in arguments, not raising points that concern you, never complaining when he goes rushing off to give his family the attention he should be giving to you. So he's teaching you how to behave.

I had an ex who would go running off to 'help' family, leaving me alone with the children. He also wouldn't listen to my complaints, it must be because I 'hated his parents', not because I hated being left with all the children while he went off to mow his mother's lawn or help with painting her spare room. He's an ex for that, among other reasons.

Your guy, OP, is too immature and too wedded to his family to be an equal partner to you. Him being the first man to ever properly love you doesn't mean he will be the last, or the only one.

For context, I come from a dysfunctional family background whereas his parents are still together and the whole family is very close. It was one of the things that attracted me to him.

I think the truth is that while a part of you might have been aware of being attracted to him for these qualities, another, less conscious, part of you was drawn because he is abusive. You are still caught in the dynamics of a dysfunctional upbringing, which will be very difficult to recognise - but I think your tears here are affirmation of the mirroring from all of us that it is, indeed, him. Not you.

He is abusive. Whether it's entirely deliberate, entirely thoughtless, or somewhere between, it is abuse. This is what you were taught 'love' was when you were growing up, and this is what you have chosen again. It's a shitty realisation, but the upside is that you can start to make better choices. I'd recommend therapy if you're not in therapy already. A good therapist will help you to break these unconscious patterns until one wonderful day, you'll realise just what an arse he is ... and you'll be shot of him.

I don't know how I'll be when I'm certain he gets in touch in a couple of days.

But you don't have to let him get in touch with you. Ever. That's a choice you might not have thought about yet.