Is it him, me or just incompatibility?

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Been with DP for 9 years, we have been talking about marriage and moving in together.

For context, I come from a dysfunctional family background whereas his parents are still together and the whole family is very close. It was one of the things that attracted me to him.

Anyway, I feel as if I'm always his last priority. EG, family members need help with something and immediately he'll do it. If it's me then it'll get put off or just never done.

I understand it is not his fault I don't have family support and I need to make this clear, I am absolutely NOT suggesting I am put before anyone else, just that I have equal consideration. If ever he needs anything from me I automatically do it because I want to and he is part of my family, married or not.

How can I marry someone who is supposed to also be my family but I'm not afforded the same respect?

So at the beginning of the week I told him this. I'll be honest, looking back at my tone I was accusatory ( I wasn't swearing or anything, just more, you keep doing this) rather than 'hey, this is how I feel lets talk about it'.

So he told me he wouldn't be speaking to me until the end of week. I can understand him being annoyed at me if he doesn't think that's the case, but for a week? Surely a cooling off period of even a night then speak about it the next day. I feel as if I'm just being punished and once again, my feelings aren't valid.

There have been other occasions he's just not spoken to me for days if we've disagreed and it makes me feel really low and vulnerable. It solidifies how I already felt.

I feel like I'm just crazy and I'm expecting too much. I don't know what to. Is this something that is reasonable but I'm looking too much into it because I haven't had healthy family relationships?

What will he do if we disagree once we're married, just leave and stay with his parents for the week and not speak to me?

He sounded so calm and reasonable when he said it I feel like I've completely got this all wrong, but that's genuinely how I feel. I text him about something necessary a couple of days ago, tbh it didn't need a reply it was for information, but he just left it on read. Not even an 'ok'.

We're both late 30's if that matters. And I'm on the waiting list for therapy.

Would it be ok to post again here please?

Go for it OP, though you don't really need our permission 😊

If you have decided the relationship is over, you don't have to wait for him to contact you.

Message him that it's over, then block him.

"We just don't speak then gloss over it, because I hate conflict and miss him when I don't see him so don't want to cause an argument. Just want a cuddle and for everyone to be happy!"

He's exploiting your good nature. He's punishing you for daring to question his authority.

You can find someone much, much nicer than this, OP.

As someone else said, try not responding when he contacts you again. Don't answer the phone to him or respond to texts. See what happens when he has a taste of his own medicine, and find out how it feels to be the one with the power.

And think about just ending it there and then. He's horrible. What you've described is not a loving relationship.

No, he's only saying this to be emotionally abusive, I'm afraid.
The silent treatment is very cruel.

I'm feeling more confident but I don't know how I'll be when I'm certain he gets in touch in a couple of days.

Sounds like you're already setting yourself up to give him another chance, the benefit of the doubt yet again. That would keep the power firmly in his hands.

You could contact him now and say it's over.
You could be working out exactly what you want and how to spell it out when he does get in touch.
You could say you're not ready to speak to him yet and leave him the one dangling.
You have many options, don't let yourself remain his puppet.

He’s horrible, and he is abusing you.

If he cared about you and needed space, he would say “hey, I’m struggling with this and I need some time to process it. I love you and we’re going to fix it, let’s talk tomorrow when I’ve had some time to think it through”.

My ex used to do this with me, he couldn’t communicate and used to leave every time we argued. He’d block me, so I’d be in a state of panic trying to get him to talk to me, he’d come back days later and I’d just be so relieved that the original issue was never mentioned again, and I learned to keep my mouth shut when something was bothering me. Which is what he wanted all along.

There is someone out there who will make you feel safe, and loved, and not having you questioning yourself or leave you confused and upset. It’s not him.

Google the cycle of abuse, speak to Women’s Aid and make today the first day of the rest of your life x

OP - How about you tell him to get lost when he's good enough to get back in touch with you in a few days.
It's very liberating to get rid of emotionally aggressive men.

Ha sorry! I know, I'm just very grateful for everyone's time 🙂

Unfortunately can't just block. We both have children from previous relationships who are close and do activities together etc so would need to be some contact until they're able to do it themselves.

I didn't mention them as while I don't have any issues with my (at the time, emotionally unavailable) ex, 'D'P does not get on with his ex at all and I didn't want that to information to change what anyone's advice was because it's a red flag.

He has admitted to me he used to be really bad with moods when he was with her. Consequently they do not get on, although ever since I've known him he's done everything she says to ensure contact. She does also use the kids as leverage with her own family (kids told me) so the bad relationship isn't all down to him. Currently they're not allowed to see any of her family because they've fallen out. Nor his family but she stopped that years ago and he agreed to it in court so he could see them.

Sorry, don't want this to turn into blaming exes, just trying to explain why I didn't mention it so as not to sway opinions.

He actually is far better than he used to be so I guess I thought he was trying and it would all be ok, but it's not. He just raises his voice less and makes me feel stupid instead.

Oh lovely. I've been here.

So in a nutshell, you told him about something that was upsetting you and his reaction was to tell you he wouldn't speak to you for 6 days.

You are being conditioned (or have been, it's been 9 years) into not expressing any sort of upset, annoyance or worry. If you do, you are immediately punished by him giving you the silent treatment. You are then so desperate for him to be nice to you again you probably brush the initial issue under the carpet to keep from it happening again.

He is speaking to you with his actions and his silence. Forget moving in and getting married, you need to end it and if you haven't done already seek some therapy or at least do the freedom programme. This is not you

It strikes me that your default position is a mixture of apologies and asking permission.
Well, it is on this thread, and it just demonstrates what a number this man has done on you, how ground down you are, how little confidence you have in yourself.
That's really sad.
Get free of this bloke and you can breathe a sigh of relief, and blossom.

Funny thing is, he tells me everyone else exploits my good nature because I'm too nice so then I think he's looking out for me.

So confusing.

It's very liberating to get rid of emotionally aggressive men.

Isn't it just! then you look back and wonder why the fuck you put up with it in the first place!

Nope, he’s trying to turn you against the people who “exploit” you.

Who does he say does that? Your friends?

He's only saying that to make you feel foolish, I'm afraid.
It certainly isn't because he admires you.

Funny thing is, he tells me everyone else exploits my good nature because I'm too nice so then I think he's looking out for me.

He probably says it to make you think he's looking out for you.

Doesn't sound like he is, though!

So true. It's horrible how one man can so diminish and eventually destroy the woman who he should care for.

OP I hope you do carry on posting on this thread.
You should get plenty of impartial advice and support.

I won't lie, it does make me feel foolish as if I can't be trusted to make decisions on who I think are my friends (not far off seeing as I do it with him!) although stupidly I felt he was also giving me a compliment. Who doesn't want to think they're a nice person?

To PP who asked if it's friends. Yes most friends. And family although I understood the family side given the history.

I know I apologise a lot. We did separate 2 years in for almost a year and when we got back together I really did feel strong. He even told me that I was stronger as if he admired that. Although he did say he knew he hadn't been great, but now he felt like the roles had reversed - that's not what I wanted. I felt I was just setting boundaries. I want equality, not to be in charge. I told him from the off what my boundaries were and said if it didn't match with him then that was ok.

As the years have went on I feel like I'm back where I started. I barely leave the house unless it's for the kids, I don't put effort into my appearance.

To be clear, he hasn't ever told me to do these things. I think I'm just so downtrodden generally I've taken it upon myself to let everything go.

When we got back together years ago I looked and felt the best I ever had. Now I'm older, overweight and look worse than I ever have.

I know what you mean and that's how it's gone in the past so I really do want to keep posting here. I know I sound silly, a grown woman relying on strangers from the internet who have their own lives...everyone is just so straight talking in a compassionate way so it's been very helpful.

Sorry I haven't replied to everyone individually. I appreciate every single one of your comments and have read them all carefully x

I know I sound silly, a grown woman relying on strangers from the internet who have their own lives.

You don't sound silly at all. People who gaslight and control can destroy anyone's confidence. You sound like a really nice person, always ready to see the other person's point of view. Around another nice person, in a healthy relationship, you probably have all the skills you need. Unfortunately this guy has you permanently on the back foot. We're all giving you a bit of a push to fight for yourself, but we do know how hard that can be, and how easy it is to question everything, especially when you're trying to do something a new way.

I'm not going to contact him tonight though. 2 of the kids have an activity at the weekend he is taking them to. I don't want to risk any upset before that. I know he treats me as if he doesn't care about me, but if he thinks I'm serious about splitting up I don't know how he'll be. He won't contact me until then anyway so I will get myself prepared to deal with it after he's taken them (one of mine and one of his).

Does he do anything physically aggressive, like throwing things or hitting walls?

Don't do couples counselling in an abusive relationship!

And that's what this is.

He is trying to control you, to stop you from questioning him. The silent treatment is abusive.

Don't marry him.
Dump him.

Thank you so much x

I've had 3 relationships and all haven't been great. First was physically abusive, second was emotionally distant, then this one so confusing and upsetting at times, although also loving at times too.

Thinking back, each of the 3 have said I'm 'too nice', showed active dislike towards friends or family they didn't even know, discouraged me from certain jobs or training because I was 'too soft' and I'd be taken advantage of. Annoyed if my top was low cut (and I mean just a v-neck, my chest is on the bigger side so unless I wear something up to my neck you will always see some cleavage) or wore shorts.

Writing that down I'm thinking WOW. This is worse than I think, isn't it? I need to develop a healthy attitude to relationships and myself and stop making excuses.

I have always been like this. Strangely enough, none of my female friends have told me I shouldn't go for certain things, not wear certain clothes or I'm 'too nice'. One of my friends he doesn't like told me in the past that I'm a really nice person and people enjoy spending time with me, which I suppose is a bit different than 'you're too nice, people will take advantage and men will think you are interested in them if you smile while you're talking to them'. Every one of them told me that.

Honestly, this has been a complete eye opener. I'm still youngish, I can change this. Thank you, thank you.

If you need a filter for what you shouldn't put up with, try imagining a female friend telling you her partner was doing or saying any of these things.