Is it him, me or just incompatibility?

[8counts]

Been with DP for 9 years, we have been talking about marriage and moving in together.

For context, I come from a dysfunctional family background whereas his parents are still together and the whole family is very close. It was one of the things that attracted me to him.

Anyway, I feel as if I'm always his last priority. EG, family members need help with something and immediately he'll do it. If it's me then it'll get put off or just never done.

I understand it is not his fault I don't have family support and I need to make this clear, I am absolutely NOT suggesting I am put before anyone else, just that I have equal consideration. If ever he needs anything from me I automatically do it because I want to and he is part of my family, married or not.

How can I marry someone who is supposed to also be my family but I'm not afforded the same respect?

So at the beginning of the week I told him this. I'll be honest, looking back at my tone I was accusatory ( I wasn't swearing or anything, just more, you keep doing this) rather than 'hey, this is how I feel lets talk about it'.

So he told me he wouldn't be speaking to me until the end of week. I can understand him being annoyed at me if he doesn't think that's the case, but for a week? Surely a cooling off period of even a night then speak about it the next day. I feel as if I'm just being punished and once again, my feelings aren't valid.

There have been other occasions he's just not spoken to me for days if we've disagreed and it makes me feel really low and vulnerable. It solidifies how I already felt.

I feel like I'm just crazy and I'm expecting too much. I don't know what to. Is this something that is reasonable but I'm looking too much into it because I haven't had healthy family relationships?

What will he do if we disagree once we're married, just leave and stay with his parents for the week and not speak to me?

He sounded so calm and reasonable when he said it I feel like I've completely got this all wrong, but that's genuinely how I feel. I text him about something necessary a couple of days ago, tbh it didn't need a reply it was for information, but he just left it on read. Not even an 'ok'.

We're both late 30's if that matters. And I'm on the waiting list for therapy.

You've had some great advice on this thread and it's great to see you are going to put yourself first here.

I wanted to add a couple of things. Re sulking and stonewalling, I read on Mumsnet years ago someone said that sulkers do it because it works for them. They enjoy you pleading with them to stop, they take pleasure in it and the feeling of power it gives them.

My mum is a sulker. I remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach when she would inhale through her nose and purse her lips to start a sulk. She has no power over me now. I simply raise my eyebrows and make as if to leave. They only have power if you let them, otherwise they are just a silly childish baby.

The other thing is regarding the driving. I took my test so many times and finally passed it not long before I got with my ex. I was keen to drive but he undermined me so much I was a nervous wreck. I would make various attempts but it was really hard. After he left I bought myself a car and forced myself to drive and now I'm perfectly fine. Once your self esteem goes up I think it will fall into place for you.

Thank you so much! Everyone is so lovely!

You'll notice they don't do it to people in their job, their outside life

I said this to him before. How can you manage to control your mood around colleagues but not me? His answer was 'because it's my job and I have to'. I tried to explain that if he can manage it with them so he doesn't lose his job, then he can manage it with me because he'll lose me.

So it's been the same kind of thing. He kept saying I just didn't like his job so he wouldn't discuss it with me anymore. Now it'll be I just don't like his family. Neither are true obviously, I use these examples to try and get him to understand how I feel and what I'm meaning. He is a smart man so it's not something that should be confusing to understand.

And even if he wasn't, really all he has to do is listen to me and believe me.

I think he's going to be very difficult. At this moment he has no idea I've reached this point. I woke up this morning and I still feel positive. I don't expect to hear from him until at least tomorrow so that gives me time to write a list of things I'm going to start doing to improve my life.

Half of me feels a weight has been lifted and half of me feels apprehensive at the trouble this will likely cause. I need to try keep myself in the mindset that this is what is best, nothing will change with him. I'm going to reread the posts to remind myself.

He is trying to take control .you need to be ready for him when he comes back with what he has to say. Dont let him win and put the blame on to you.

Thank you. This stood out for me - they take pleasure in it and the feeling of power it gives them.they take pleasure in it and the feeling of power it gives them.

I have fleetingly thought that before but thought I was just angry because I cannot really believe he would take enjoyment out of causing me distress.

It's very sad. Despite everything I have genuinely cared about him and hoped everything would work out in the end but that is not going to happen! I've been feeling like I'm going crazy. The 'you always cause the problem because you over think' really got to me last week. It came from nowhere, the discussion wasn't even about him/us. And he said it with (and I know this sounds silly) a smirk in his eye. His eyes looked like they were laughing me. It's a horrible feeling and I hate it when he does it. I've told myself before I'll randomly do the same one time so he gets how it make me feels, but I always forget afterwards because I don't think that way inside.

Tell him its over, no discussion and refuse to engage or you’ll tie yourself in knots trying to justify yourself.

You can end a relationship for any reason or none. He doesn’t get to decide any more.

You need to retrain yourself not to centre him. Take control of your own life.

I was going to ask this. Do I tell him why? Part of me wants to let him know exactly why. To prove I know what he's been doing, I'm not stupid and it's not my fault.

But that's not going to help, is it? When he gets in touch should I just say 'I'm sorry, this isn't working for me anymore. Please only get in touch if it's regarding the kids'?

Good morning!
This thread is very long so I’ve not been able to read it all but just want to send you strength to get through what lies ahead and courage to end the ridiculous “relationship” you have with this man. If you move in together it will be the worst possible outcome for your self esteem and equilibrium. As the saying goes “Wake Up and Smell The Coffee!”
Our relationships should bring us joy. From the long and hopefully cathartic responses you have posted, clearly he does not bring that consistently to you. Most of MN responses seem to be telling you what you need to do. Get rid!
He is taking up too much headspace, is causing you anguish and is cruel.
Good luck OP.

Completely understandable that you want to say why. You've listened to this crap for so long...but, realistically, he's had 9 years to break you down, and you've had a few days to properly come to terms with what's happening. If he has the chance to argue, wheedle, talk you round....would you still be vulnerable to it? Would you end up in an argument - resolution situation? If so, I'd go for straight up, it's not working, I don't want to talk. And if her persists. Block

Does he need to still be in contact regarding the kids?

im worried he is going g to use that as an excuse to grind you down again (probably by bro h extra nice and make you feel guilty to have called it a day)

I would play him at his own game.
Tell him it's over and you have no intention of discussing it.
Then block him.
You really don't have to worry about his reaction because it's irrelevant.

If it's over, there is nothing to discuss. Luckily you don't live together or share finances so that doesn't need to be negotiated.

I'm so very glad you feel you've got a lot from posting here. Never apologise for rambling. This is a safe space for you to let it all out. And it's natural to overthink and overanalyse at this stage. It's a shock to have the veil lifted and realise how bad things have actually been. All of a sudden you're looking at the whole relationship in another light and it's a lot to process. Allow yourself the time to process it all. No one would expect you to be able to just put it out of your mind.

As for telling him why, I'd recommend keeping the breakup as amicable as possible, and telling him why could cause conflict. I told my ex why, and it was the most frustrating conversation of my life. He flat out denied everything, told me I was the abusive one, and wound me up so I got angry and emotional whilst he sat there cool as a cucumber. It was so frustrating to look back and realise that I'd given him that power one last time.

I suppose you could write down exactly what you want him to know regarding your epiphany.
Then read it out to him.
Then block him.
I have a feeling he'll be furious and try to get you back with false promises. So be wary of being drawn into discussions.
It might be better to email him.
And then block him.

Yes Op will probably go into default apologising mode and start justifying her decision, be worn down and backtrack.......

..........Or remind herself internet strangers treat her better than this supposed partner and stay strong, knowing we are all behind her.

I feel like you sound like me only 30 years earlier.

Therapy.

Theres nothing like paying over a £100 pounds an hour to an experienced chartered clinical psychologist who tells you on the first session it’s him and not you.

I haven’t looked back or needed to question myself since.

OP you don't have to understand his motivations nor explain yours to him. The bottom line is that this isn't making you happy. If he wants to understand how he broke things let him go find a therapist.

If you want to work to understand anyone more deeply, work on yourself. We can spend the rest of our lives trying to fix the broken relationships we've already endured by reliving them with the same patterns, or we can work out who we are and what we want and find we're only prepared to accept relationships that actually do make us happy. The first feels easier as it's something we subconsciously do, but the second is much more likely to work.

I’m so sorry that you’re going thru this torment.
I have been in this situation, and with a childhood trauma fueling my self doubt.

what shouts out to me is how much self doubt u have and you feel something but then put yourself in a twist trying to see if there is a reason your feeling like it. I have been there for 10 years thinking the issues are mine. Now I am out of it I can see it so much more clearly. My issues was a mix of low self esteem, childhood trauma and being with someone who was abusive and manipulative.

it isn’t easy trying to see the wood for the trees when you are in deep like u are, but just try to connect with your feelings, and try not to work out the whys ect just react to the actual feeling. Don’t let anyone make u feel this way. Take space, and as much as u need to feel confidence in your feelings. Therapy will help a lot. But it might be that you have to leave this relationship, he response to you is coke and callous and not normal. And if he can do this then he will never put your best interests first. His love means nothing if u don’t feel safe in your feelings with him.

I’ve gone in to have another relationship with someone and I have a voice and I am never scared to say anything. That is how it should be.
x

Thank you all again. I'm so sorry for everyone who has been through with this, but so glad you left and life is now happier!

Or remind herself internet strangers treat her better than this supposed partner and stay strong, knowing we are all behind her.

This is something I will definitely keep in mind.

I'm not going to pretend because I've been kindly given a wake up call and so much support that I think it'll be easy.

I have been here before and folded.

I'm so glad I posted. I will keep coming back here to reread. I will also come back when he gets in touch before I do or say anything. He knows me very well and as I was talking about the issues with his kids, it's only been recently they've started doing things together again. For a while they spoke only through xbox or whatsapp - secretly, as the Mum wouldn't allow it. So with that and the marriage talk I thought things were falling into place...which they should have been.

I'm preparing myself for the children being used. We used to do pretty much 50/50 at times when it was allowed and I did all the childcare while he worked. I care about them immensely and it's been difficult for our collective children the uncertainty over their relationships.

Now I will be the one who will appear to be potentially destroying that. I know I am not and I know my children will understand as we have a good relationship where we talk through things (how ironic me saying that when I posted about bad communication between adults!)

It seems to be very bad timing but perhaps that's the point. PP mentioned about milestones upping the bad behaviours so maybe with me agreeing to get married, plus the children involved again, he thinks I won't leave. He knows I'd never intentionally hurt them.

But I also know it is not me who has done this.

Sorry, I know my posts are very long. I've not felt able to speak to anyone in real life so it's all coming out! So many things I hadn't even thought of before are now making sense.

Thank you. Your post has resonated with me so much.

You sound just like me. I'm so happy for you that you have now found someone who makes you feel safe.

Safe is a word I use a lot regarding how I want to feel. He has sometimes made me feel safe, the only one who ever has (I'm excluding friends here only because it's a different relationship and everyone has busy lives with their own families) so that's partly the reason it's gone on so long.

I feel safe and secure then the next minute I've done something wrong that I don't understand and it's taken away. So then I just want that feeling back.

Childhood trauma is why I'm on the waiting list for counselling. Well, that and the bad relationships but without the childhood part I don't think I would be where I am now.

I also think it's why I want to help people so much and try to understand them. I don't want them to feel bad inside. However I do get that I need to practise self love, be a bit selfish at times. I used to never be able to say no to people at all! I actually had to practise. It was so difficult at first and I felt so guilty, but it definitely got better and helped my self confidence at the time.

I can't believe he's not been in touch. It seems so cruel it's helping me see things clearly while making me feel shit at the same time.

I don't agree with other posters that this silent treatment is a form of abuse or manipulation.

People need space when they have been hurt, of course it wasn't your intention but if he felt that what you said was completely wrong then it's understandable that he would want to take space from you.

I'm like you in that I come from a very dysfunctional family and my partner comes from a very tight knit family.

I don't think it's possible to have a relationship where you are both always able to communicate how you feel. Romantic relationships are the most emotionally intense , so although you might feel that he values other people over you because he does things for them at the drop of a hat. It might be because he feels a deep obligation to do so.

With me and my partner - If her family ask her to do something she does it as she knows they would be quick to chastise her if she didn't. I've not got that same relationship with my family so I don't feel any pressure to do things straight away (or at all) when asked by them.

If he trusts you and loves you he knows that you will understand that he can't always do things for you right away. He knows you understand him and he might not see it as putting them first. He feels pressure to do things by them and not by you and he would value that.

I disagree with the pp that sulking and the silent treatment aren't forms of abuse. Needing a bit of space and time after a falling-out is one thing, protracted silence is quite another. It's immature and, yes, abusive.

@8counts

yes I relate to the saying no and practicing self love.
but being so kind and empathetic to others isn’t always good as it just reflect how weak our boundaries are. And if we cannot love and care for ourself the love we give others will be unhealthy to some extent.

just keep posting, talking and Centring yourself around your one needs all the time. It’s not selfish, it’s healthy and balanced

xx

I don't agree with other posters that this silent treatment is a form of abuse or manipulation

It is a form of abuse. Anyone who works in DV services would confirm that. There's a world of difference between silent treatment and needing a bit of space. Of course it's fine to say you need some space to process a conversation. Announcing you need precisely 6 days isn't needing space, it's a sentence.

Safe is a word I use a lot regarding how I want to feel.

The thing is about safety is it needs to be a consistent. If you only sometimes feel safe, but it doesn't last and things inevitably always go south again, you're only really experiencing an illusion of safety.

Thank you for the different perspective. This is what I've been trying to clarify in head.

But ultimately it makes me feel very unhappy, so regardless of who is right or wrong I need to end this. I feel understanding should go both ways, in your relationship it does and that is lovely to hear! (I also assume when you say you don't feel the need to do anything for family quickly because of the dysfunction that you don't mean her too?)

In mine it does not. I have tied myself up in knots trying to rationalise it and see another point of view, I don't feel I'm getting anything in return at all. Not even an agree to disagree but I understand your feelings, just my feelings are wrong.

Thanks again for posting your experience, it's also helped that this is the right thing to do for me. I feel sorry for your partner that she feels she must do things for her family or be made to feel bad. I recently read about fear, obligation, guilt (FOG) with my own family so it might be worth passing that on to her to have a read?

If the lives if your children are intertwined, i would seperate them even if this will be hard for them. This man is not nice to you and your children shouldn't see this. It also means you will keep having to have some sort of relationship with him which will make it harder to move on. It's him that has broken apart these relationships with his shitty behaviour, not you.