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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it him, me or just incompatibility?

207 replies

8counts · 18/05/2023 18:02

Been with DP for 9 years, we have been talking about marriage and moving in together.

For context, I come from a dysfunctional family background whereas his parents are still together and the whole family is very close. It was one of the things that attracted me to him.

Anyway, I feel as if I'm always his last priority. EG, family members need help with something and immediately he'll do it. If it's me then it'll get put off or just never done.

I understand it is not his fault I don't have family support and I need to make this clear, I am absolutely NOT suggesting I am put before anyone else, just that I have equal consideration. If ever he needs anything from me I automatically do it because I want to and he is part of my family, married or not.

How can I marry someone who is supposed to also be my family but I'm not afforded the same respect?

So at the beginning of the week I told him this. I'll be honest, looking back at my tone I was accusatory ( I wasn't swearing or anything, just more, you keep doing this) rather than 'hey, this is how I feel lets talk about it'.

So he told me he wouldn't be speaking to me until the end of week. I can understand him being annoyed at me if he doesn't think that's the case, but for a week? Surely a cooling off period of even a night then speak about it the next day. I feel as if I'm just being punished and once again, my feelings aren't valid.

There have been other occasions he's just not spoken to me for days if we've disagreed and it makes me feel really low and vulnerable. It solidifies how I already felt.

I feel like I'm just crazy and I'm expecting too much. I don't know what to. Is this something that is reasonable but I'm looking too much into it because I haven't had healthy family relationships?

What will he do if we disagree once we're married, just leave and stay with his parents for the week and not speak to me?

He sounded so calm and reasonable when he said it I feel like I've completely got this all wrong, but that's genuinely how I feel. I text him about something necessary a couple of days ago, tbh it didn't need a reply it was for information, but he just left it on read. Not even an 'ok'.

We're both late 30's if that matters. And I'm on the waiting list for therapy.

OP posts:
OrbandSpectacle · 19/05/2023 12:21

I will also come back when he gets in touch before I do or say anything.

Yes do that, don't be bullied or rushed into a response

Or......get in first and tell him its over.

Original poster
8counts · 19/05/2023 12:30

yellowsmileyface · 19/05/2023 12:01

I don't agree with other posters that this silent treatment is a form of abuse or manipulation

It is a form of abuse. Anyone who works in DV services would confirm that. There's a world of difference between silent treatment and needing a bit of space. Of course it's fine to say you need some space to process a conversation. Announcing you need precisely 6 days isn't needing space, it's a sentence.

Thank you. I would completely understand needing a bit of space, let's talk about this tomorrow type thing. Not nothing for a certain amount of days that has been unilaterally decided. I have no idea if he's sad, angry or anything. Just cut off. He knows this will be upsetting me, he just won't know I've reached the end of my tether. It seems so disproportionate from what I actually said that he must know I'll be upset.

Not sure why it's upset me so much this time though. Maybe because of the wedding talk and the kids. It's mentally exhausting and I can't commit to someone where I don't know if I'm going to be cut off the next morning if I say something I don't realise is wrong.

Funnily enough my sister does this too. It could be anything simple, like I didn't think of booking a restaurant for x time instead of y time then I get berated for causing problems. Or I should have known she wanted to do z so why didn't I check. Unsurprisingly they do not get along and both have told me it's because they don't like how the other walks all over me! She had the same childhood as me, her way of dealing with it is just different. Different reactions.

@yellowsmileyface yes it does need to be consistent. I need to remember that. Guess I thought some is better than none, but that makes it all the worse because you don't know where you stand.

My thread sounds awful, like a soap or something. Think I need to cut contact with more than him (already have with Mum last year), concentrate on my children and start living a life without all this drama.

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 19/05/2023 12:37

Late 30s together 9 years and never lived together how very odd in itself. Anyway I wouldn't be marrying it doesn't exactly sound amazing anyway and he treating you like that is a joke. Move on.

MsGrumpytrousers · 19/05/2023 12:41

"I'm a fool I know, the whole thing written down sounds a mess for everyone."

You don't have to apologise, you know. This is what Mumsnet is for, and it's what it does best.

And no, it's not stupid of you at all. This is how counselling works. You talk about what's been happening and you realise that you were so trapped in the situation that you hadn't seen it from the outside and realised how awful it was. Sometimes nobody else needs to say a thing – just the act of talking or writing about it to new people is enough for you to see a different perspective.

Nobody here who understands abusive relationships thinks you're stupid – they can see how this man has manipulated your good nature.

I've been following the threads and seeing you gaining strength and confidence. I think once you've shaken off this dead weight of a partner, you're going to find that you can fly.

Original poster
8counts · 19/05/2023 12:45

OrbandSpectacle · 19/05/2023 12:21

I will also come back when he gets in touch before I do or say anything.

Yes do that, don't be bullied or rushed into a response

Or......get in first and tell him its over.

I understand what you're saying but it won't be straightforward. He will initially act like he doesn't care and I'm just being unstable randomly breaking up with him. I've been through this with him before and it makes me feel like crap. He'll say he just wanted space, I'm being ridiculous and tell me to go back to the GP.

If I don't say anything he might hold out on contacting me for longer which gives me more time to get my head round everything.

Pathetic I know, but I've been here before so I know how it'll play out and I need the weekend to go smoothly for the kids sake. Plus once he realises I'm serious he'll start trying to resolve things, if I put it off I have more time to prepare for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
8counts · 19/05/2023 12:50

MsGrumpytrousers · 19/05/2023 12:41

"I'm a fool I know, the whole thing written down sounds a mess for everyone."

You don't have to apologise, you know. This is what Mumsnet is for, and it's what it does best.

And no, it's not stupid of you at all. This is how counselling works. You talk about what's been happening and you realise that you were so trapped in the situation that you hadn't seen it from the outside and realised how awful it was. Sometimes nobody else needs to say a thing – just the act of talking or writing about it to new people is enough for you to see a different perspective.

Nobody here who understands abusive relationships thinks you're stupid – they can see how this man has manipulated your good nature.

I've been following the threads and seeing you gaining strength and confidence. I think once you've shaken off this dead weight of a partner, you're going to find that you can fly.

Thank you so much @MsGrumpytrousers (love the name btw!)

@LadyJ2023 we lived together for a short period at the beginning of the relationship. Sorry, my responses have been rather long so might be hard to find but the explanation is in there somewhere. You are correct in your assessment though. It is a joke.

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 19/05/2023 13:21

OP, wishing you a wonderful life, free of all this angst. MN is amazing for letting people.have an outlet to talk (type) it through, and work it out for themselves.

Needmoresleepmorecoffee · 19/05/2023 13:40

8counts · 19/05/2023 12:07

Thank you for the different perspective. This is what I've been trying to clarify in head.

But ultimately it makes me feel very unhappy, so regardless of who is right or wrong I need to end this. I feel understanding should go both ways, in your relationship it does and that is lovely to hear! (I also assume when you say you don't feel the need to do anything for family quickly because of the dysfunction that you don't mean her too?)

In mine it does not. I have tied myself up in knots trying to rationalise it and see another point of view, I don't feel I'm getting anything in return at all. Not even an agree to disagree but I understand your feelings, just my feelings are wrong.

Thanks again for posting your experience, it's also helped that this is the right thing to do for me. I feel sorry for your partner that she feels she must do things for her family or be made to feel bad. I recently read about fear, obligation, guilt (FOG) with my own family so it might be worth passing that on to her to have a read?

Show quote history

No to be fair I do things for her straight away - but we do live together so it's sort of hard not to do things straight away.

Worth mentioning that although she is from a nice family dynamic I can't stand her mother! So although I like the fact she has a stable family I don't see myself as being a part of her family really. It's more me and her have a lift together rather than me being a part of her family. I think although her parents want me to be a part of their family dynamic I just don't see myself as part of it.

I wonder how much that might play a role in your relationship? Do you just slot into his family or see yourself as an outsider?

The thing is my partner does understand that I don't just fit in (and have no desire to) and while for things like childcare it is important to keep my relationship with them going - I could just as easily have nothing to do with them and be happy.

People from nice well functioning middle class families often can't understand what it's like for us. I think her mother doesn't get me or understand that i just don't want to spend my free time with them.

Original poster
8counts · 19/05/2023 14:27

@OrbandSpectacle I am going to PM you.

OP posts:
Original poster
8counts · 19/05/2023 14:42

Needmoresleepmorecoffee · 19/05/2023 13:40

No to be fair I do things for her straight away - but we do live together so it's sort of hard not to do things straight away.

Worth mentioning that although she is from a nice family dynamic I can't stand her mother! So although I like the fact she has a stable family I don't see myself as being a part of her family really. It's more me and her have a lift together rather than me being a part of her family. I think although her parents want me to be a part of their family dynamic I just don't see myself as part of it.

I wonder how much that might play a role in your relationship? Do you just slot into his family or see yourself as an outsider?

The thing is my partner does understand that I don't just fit in (and have no desire to) and while for things like childcare it is important to keep my relationship with them going - I could just as easily have nothing to do with them and be happy.

People from nice well functioning middle class families often can't understand what it's like for us. I think her mother doesn't get me or understand that i just don't want to spend my free time with them.

Show quote history

It's actually me who is from the middle class family, not him.

I would like everyone to be close, but that includes myself. He does not want to be close to mine and I don't have an issue with that (the feeling is mutual). It's how he treats me, not how he treats them if that makes sense.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 15:42

He'll say he just wanted space, I'm being ridiculous and tell me to go back to the GP

OP, it doesn't matter what he says anymore. You do not need to go back to the doctor and you are not being ridiculous.

You're about to take an important step in your life, and his reaction to it matters not a jot. You do not have to deal with the supposed fall-out.

Just tell him it's over, you do not want to be contacted again, and then block him.
You'll feel a great sense of satisfaction if you finally get the upper hand.

Aria999 · 19/05/2023 15:45

He'll say he just wanted space, I'm being ridiculous and tell me to go back to the GP

🤷‍♀️ You have decided you don't want a relationship with a person who needs 6 days of 'space' after every difficult conversation.

You are right OP, he will, but you don't need to justify yourself to him. I see the temptation. But close him down.

I think even though it might be hard in the kids, initially a complete break from all contact would be a good idea for you.

Grenola · 19/05/2023 15:46

Also just to touch of breaking it off eith your kids involved

i didn’t think it is damaging at in the simplest sense for you kids to see u go thru a breakup. You are modelling heskthy behaviour by stoooing something that isn’t good for u, my kids have seen me have a breakup after my divorce, they did see my dad and we did talk about why it is good to end things.

just because you have been with him doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. You don’t need to justify the time lost ect.., things can stop being ok for u. And you are aloud to respond by ending it

Takenoprisoner · 19/05/2023 17:57

Op be aware re him being overly in contact with your children. He is further humiliating you and tormenting you. He knows it will hurt you more.

And even more sinister, he is alienating you from them. Read up on parental alienation. It's a well known abuse tactic. He is trying to ice you out and come in between you and your children. You really need to come down hard on this and say he has no right to contact you if he's giving you the silent treatment. He can't have any access to your children if he's refusing to engage with you. Depending on your children's ages, I block this abusive man on their phones, or explain to your dx what is going on and ask them to block him.

Takenoprisoner · 19/05/2023 17:58

*he has no right to contact your dc if he's giving you the silent treatment

Takenoprisoner · 19/05/2023 17:58

You and the dc come as a unit. He's undermining you to them. Don't let him

User63847484848 · 19/05/2023 18:04

The problem is… what happens over the years is that you get afraid to speak your mind/bring things up for fear of him reacting in this way and so you keep it inwide instead which isn’t healthy.
also you never talk things through properly and resolve things, you’re probably so relieved when he starts talking to you again that you don’t want to rock the boat by bringing up the issue again.

I know because I’ve been there, for 20 years and have recently left and it’s amazing but I’m slowly processing what a number he did on me.

Longtitude · 19/05/2023 20:01

Thanks for this thread OP. I am in a shorter, but very similar relationship. Talk of marriage and then a significant row over something spurious and weeks of things not being ‘right’ before I’m finally forgiven and being allowed back ‘in’.

its soul destroying and makes you question yourself and overanalyse yourself wondering what you could have done differently in order to avoid the detachment cycle.

reading about attachment theory and narcissism and borderline personality disorder is helping me understand him, and myself.

I’m not ready to leave, not yet, but therapy booked in and my eyes have been opened and I think me leaving will be the outcome unless he can listen and take on board some home truths…which I’m fairly confident he will not.when I’m ready and strong enough though.

I’m really rooting for you, You are doing so well, hang in there and stay strong and use this thread to remind you when he tries to make you think it's because of some flaw in you. Its really not.

ScorpioSphinx · 19/05/2023 21:00

Another one saying thank you for this thread OP. I've read every word of it. I have the same issues as you (low self esteem, childhood trauma, previous emotional abuse) and my DH is exactly like your partner. Reading your posts has been like reading my own thoughts and feelings written down so I've had the same sense of relief from the advice that's been posted.

I've tried to talk to mine tonight and been left reeling by it yet again all getting turned into a discussion about how it's all my fault and absolutely no engagement from him on my concerns about his behaviour. He tells me I'm crazy and hormonal and the one in the wrong, every time. I know I'm in for a miserable weekend of not being spoken to now and wish I hadn't said anything.

Admiring your strength and hoping that if my relationship doesn't improve I can find the same strength.

Longtitude · 20/05/2023 11:09

ScorpioSphinx · 19/05/2023 21:00

Another one saying thank you for this thread OP. I've read every word of it. I have the same issues as you (low self esteem, childhood trauma, previous emotional abuse) and my DH is exactly like your partner. Reading your posts has been like reading my own thoughts and feelings written down so I've had the same sense of relief from the advice that's been posted.

I've tried to talk to mine tonight and been left reeling by it yet again all getting turned into a discussion about how it's all my fault and absolutely no engagement from him on my concerns about his behaviour. He tells me I'm crazy and hormonal and the one in the wrong, every time. I know I'm in for a miserable weekend of not being spoken to now and wish I hadn't said anything.

Admiring your strength and hoping that if my relationship doesn't improve I can find the same strength.

Socrpio. Deep down somewhere you KNOW its not you. Have you looked into inner child work? If you’ve childhood trauma then it might really help. Dont let him wreck your weekend, the sun is shining and this is your weekend as much as his!

Seems theres a few of us…maybe we need to set up a separate support thread ..

Pixiedust1234 · 20/05/2023 11:45

@8counts
Wishing you strength for this weekend. I sincerely hope he doesn't release you from your "punishment" and contacts you so you can continue to see why you don't actually need him in your life Flowers

@ScorpioSphinx .
I know I'm in for a miserable weekend of not being spoken to now and wish I hadn't said anything
Turn this around. Embrace the silence and do something you want to do, whether its a walk or a coffee or a shop. Use this as a minibreak to see what it could be like without him berating or nitpicking you. Dont pander to him, you don't need him ❤

TheShellBeach · 21/05/2023 16:36

How are you getting on, OP?

Redshoeblueshoe · 21/05/2023 20:36

He sounds like my XH. The silent treatment is horrendous.

Original poster
8counts · 22/05/2023 08:54

TheShellBeach · 21/05/2023 16:36

How are you getting on, OP?

Not wonderful. Thank you for asking.

He normally stays on a Sat night and messaged Sat to say he wouldn't be because he was still annoyed.

I have felt sick with anxiety, pathetic and empty for days. I haven;t said anything about anything yet but if I'm being honest, I just want this bad feeling to go away.

OP posts:
OhamIreally · 22/05/2023 09:16

He's really enjoying himself this time @8counts please don't let your resolve weaken.
Think how awful you feel now - are you going to feel worse than this if you tell him it's over? Make this the last time he treats you with such contempt.

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