Is it him, me or just incompatibility?

[8counts]

Been with DP for 9 years, we have been talking about marriage and moving in together.

For context, I come from a dysfunctional family background whereas his parents are still together and the whole family is very close. It was one of the things that attracted me to him.

Anyway, I feel as if I'm always his last priority. EG, family members need help with something and immediately he'll do it. If it's me then it'll get put off or just never done.

I understand it is not his fault I don't have family support and I need to make this clear, I am absolutely NOT suggesting I am put before anyone else, just that I have equal consideration. If ever he needs anything from me I automatically do it because I want to and he is part of my family, married or not.

How can I marry someone who is supposed to also be my family but I'm not afforded the same respect?

So at the beginning of the week I told him this. I'll be honest, looking back at my tone I was accusatory ( I wasn't swearing or anything, just more, you keep doing this) rather than 'hey, this is how I feel lets talk about it'.

So he told me he wouldn't be speaking to me until the end of week. I can understand him being annoyed at me if he doesn't think that's the case, but for a week? Surely a cooling off period of even a night then speak about it the next day. I feel as if I'm just being punished and once again, my feelings aren't valid.

There have been other occasions he's just not spoken to me for days if we've disagreed and it makes me feel really low and vulnerable. It solidifies how I already felt.

I feel like I'm just crazy and I'm expecting too much. I don't know what to. Is this something that is reasonable but I'm looking too much into it because I haven't had healthy family relationships?

What will he do if we disagree once we're married, just leave and stay with his parents for the week and not speak to me?

He sounded so calm and reasonable when he said it I feel like I've completely got this all wrong, but that's genuinely how I feel. I text him about something necessary a couple of days ago, tbh it didn't need a reply it was for information, but he just left it on read. Not even an 'ok'.

We're both late 30's if that matters. And I'm on the waiting list for therapy.

My ex and his brother kept us two 'wives/girlfriends apart. Didn't want us comparing notes I presume looking back. She didn't attend family events either - she couldn't be bothered with the effort of all the fakery needed to get on with the parents. I tried to get to know the family but I still got scapegoated as 'the problem' when we separated. It used to really upset me as I couldn't understand why they didn't want to get to know me/like me. I have a varied and lovely set of friends so it was strange. I don't care now. They were dysfunctional, not me. It took me a long time to realise that.

Well done for refusing to live with him op. You're far more switched on than you give yourself credit for.

You're saying you can't break up yet as he's taking your dc to activity at the weekend. Won't that always be a problem seeing as you can't drive? It shouldn't be a reason to stay with him even temporarily.

I really hope you dump this awful man. Your dc deserve to have their mother not abused like this. Imagine his face when he realises you have talked away his power to punish you? What a horrible man.

Do you think his Brothers Wife has got their number so to speak, she knows the dynamics but keeps herself a healthy distance?

Could you do that?
It takes an immense amount of self awareness to realise we are needy in a relationship. Do you realise that? Do you have a healthy boundary with someone who isn't actually your Husband? He is a partner, he hasn't given you the security/respect of marriage. Why not after nine years?

I guess what I'm saying is why haven't you married after nine years? Why do you feel his family are not important.? Of course his family are important, he doesn't have his own family unit?
Why have you decided to put your own need for a family unit last? Does he want to marry you?Hell, do you want to marry him? Would it make you feel more secure?

Of course his family are important, I just don't see how we can be a family if he doesn't treat me as such.

We could have married years ago. When we got back together he proposed, but something told me to hold off. As I say, I felt the best I ever had at the time we got back together. I felt strong and I knew he had been difficult before then, so even though I had put that down to the issues with his ex at the time, because the kids had to deal with him living with us for a while then not and contact with his kids being unreliable I didn't want to. He seemed to accept that although occasionally would say to me 'well, it's you who won't get married' if I brought up any worries about how I felt he was treating me.

Over time my strength has depleted. To the extent I've thought if I just be quiet and get married, at least I know then he should be treating me better and I'll have a point. But obviously that is a daft way to think.

@Takenoprisoner it won't change after the weekend. I guess I'm trying to put it off because it's so soon and I don't want to cause any hassle or him to be difficult. I fear that that he might only take his and blame me somehow although I'm probably overthinking.

If I leave it until the end of the weekend then there'll be no potential atmosphere in the car for them and I don't have to worry about any other clubs during the week because I'm able to get public transport to and from if needed. It's not always easy with his ex getting the kids to stuff together because she can chop and change and this is a definite so I can't do anything that might upset it.

I can't believe he has still not spoken to me. He's been texting my children. He's often away on business so it's not unusual for him not to have been here during the week but they don't normally text as much. Almost fells like another kick in the face. He's so nice and involved with the kids and if I end it it's me who will be the bad one.

Overthinking again. Sorry!

I have told him we should end things before. Then he has agreed, been really nice and reasonable, texting with the kids, taking them places and civil in communications with me. And it falls back.

It's almost as if as soon as I feel secure and happy and make future plans, it gets worse. But he has always been the one to want to do all this so why is it worse when we should both be happy?

I suspect it's because when he feels you are not fully under his control, maybe a bit unattainable, he makes an effort; then when you agree to be with him and do what he wants, he takes you for granted and shows his true self more.

The silent treatment you are receiving is by itself a good reason to break up with someone. I really hope I would split with anyone the first time they did that and never go back, though I know it is easy to say when you are not in the situation.

I've also contradicted myself by saying I felt I should just be quiet and get married and also I was happy about it now.

Both are true. The former I thought before, then recently I felt happy about it because we had been getting on so well and I told him I'd had a change of heart and would like to get married (there was a bit of a thing last year where he said in front of the kids 'when we get married' and I had to tell him afterwards it wasn't appropriate because we weren't engaged. He didn't take it very well but he probably felt embarrassed so I didn't mention it again) He was pleased, wanted to book a family holiday to celebrate but it's went downhill from there.

This is all within weeks but it's things that have happened in the past too.

None of it makes sense. Sorry, think I've tried to think over everything too much and I'm just rambling.

Bottom line is this relationship is no good for me no matter what the reasons. I'm going to keep tying myself up in knots trying to rationalise it so it's best I don't even try.

Also, you sound lovely.

And you apologize too much 😊

I think you are right. He was much better when I had more self confidence. When I don't it's worse, but then that may because I feel worse generally.

He needs to go. I will end up having a breakdown if I continue with this. Even now while I'm glad he's not got in touch, I also I can't believe he hasn't. It's the worthless feeling that's the hard part.

That's one thing you need to try and stop.

Take your sense of self worth, give it a good shake, and cut it off from anything he says or does.

Everyone deserves respect remember?

No. Please do not marry this man.
it’s one thing to stop speaking to control himself (calm himself down so he doesn’t say things he doesn’t want to, etc)

and another thing entirely to stop speaking in order to control YOU. No. He’s “punishing” you in order to train you, basically. This will get worse if you allow it.

please please leave him. this is a HUGE red flag.

Thank you again @Aria999 you are completely right.

Thank you @barmycatmum Tomorrow is a new day. And I'll start it by trying to arrange a coffee or walk with a friend instead of sitting home over-analysing!

Good for you!
it doesn’t matter if he blames you. It doesn’t matter what he says about you. Let him! His opinion is trash; he’s negated himself from having any valid word to say since he seems to think it’s ok to give you a sentence of silence like this.

I’m a bit of a brat sometimes, but I have to say, I’d write him a note that informed him it’s finished, and if he said one word, I’d have to sigh and say “it was just so nice when you weren’t speaking to me, thanks for that break. Bye.”

asshole. I’m so furious on your behalf.

what horrible kind of rotten log do these men crawl out from under, who think they can “train” women to accept such abusive behavior and then apologise for it?

I am SO glad you are getting some gumption back, it sounds like. He doesn’t get to be the smug bully if you call him on his little games and simply walk away.

Your posts make me so sad, probably because I see a lot of myself in what you are saying.

It took me 20+ years to come to my senses (with the help of mumsnet).

You are in an easier position as there are no kids in common and you are not living together, well done for holding off on that!

I really relate to the "helping others but not you"... So so hurtful.

One of the things that finally made me see my husband clearly was when he did exactly that... Refused to help me change a tyre on my car which left us stranded, but then the very next day insisted on stopping to help a guy at a service station who had a flat tyre, making us both late for work.

And of course the silent treatment which leaves you feeling so worthless and needy.

I'm now in a new relationship and realise that I'm NOT a bad communicator, NOR an over thinker, it's just that the relationship was toxic and exh was abusive.

It doesn't matter whether he loves you or not, all that matters is what YOU want and feel (this took me a long time to come to terms with as we are sold a load of crap about love conquering all etc).

Keep posting, you will continue to get great advice, and as you say, it will be useful to look back at your posts and realise you are not crazy and not imagining things.

So he told me he wouldn't be speaking to me until the end of week.

And you're wondering if you should marry him?!

Please don't!

He sounds awful.

Your life will be a whole lot worse once he's got you trapped. (And divorce is expensive!).

I feel as if I'm always his last priority
You’re making a huge mistake to even think of marrying someone who makes you feel like this.

@barmycatmum you sound amazing and a friend I'd love to have!

@jamaisjedors I'm so sorry you went through that. I totally understand what you mean. Its not the helping other people, it's the not helping me but being able to help them. I gave so much support through court, I put up with a lot for something that isn't actually my problem never mind day to day stuff. But that's what you do when you care about someone.

You have all helped so much, I honestly can't express that enough. Need to dig myself out of this hole and move on because this is not sustainable or healthy.

I'm going to continue with the mindset that no matter the reason, this is not good for me. Even if I'm wrong, my feelings about this relationship aren't. That way hopefully I stop trying to make excuses for him or blaming myself and accept it for what it is - a bad relationship that makes me feel awful. Grateful for the good times and I have learned a lot through it so it wasn't a waste.

I'm so glad I posted.

@suburbophobe @FictionalCharacter

Thanks both. I know. I've been on this thread all night and every single one has said the same. I should have reached out sooner because it's been so helpful. The kindest and straight talking I've received from strangers has had a real life effect. I'm not saying it'll be plain sailing, but I know now my feelings are valid.

Won't lie, it's scary and actually sad thinking he'll not be here anymore because the good times pop into your head. It's comfortable because I know it So I'm definitely going to build back up friendships and get out more as a starting point. I've gotten over breakups before so I'll get over this one too.

It's really heartening to see how you've gained in emotional strength just in the few hours since you first posted.

I think you'll be fine, ultimately. Taking the first step to free yourself is just around the corner.

It'll be so much healthier for your children, too.

Do not waste any more time with this man and do not marry him.

Op you sound so lovely, I wish I had a friend like you.

I hope you know you deserve so much more, your children will adapt and they’ll be fine because they’ve got you.

I hope you plan that coffee today, what other nice things can you do for yourself this weekend?

Op you sound so lovely, I wish I had a friend like you.

I feel exactly the same!

This is a good time of year to rediscover happiness in yourself by visiting new places, getting lots of fresh air and sunshine.

Treat yourself as your own best friend.

You mentioned about the moving in and marriage and it being weird that it was getting worse rather than better....its confusing but abuse tends to escalate at milestones. Moving in. Marriage. Kids. When you're totally independent of each other it's much easier to walk away when someone behaves badly. The more you start tying yourself in, the harder it is to walk away. Abusers are instinctually aware of tolerance levels and the levers of power. You'll notice they don't do it to people in their job, their outside life. Because they have no leverage there, those people won't put up with that shit. In fact, they'll behave a lot of the time like the perfect son/employee/friend.

Re weight loss, undermining you, its the same principle. If you don't feel good about yourself, don't feel confident. You're more likely to stay because you doubt yourself.

Its all about levering your emotions and other factors to keep you the subject, and therefore controllable

Oh I didnt read to the last page! I'm so glad to hear you're putting an end to it! The first day of the rest of your life 🖤