Is it him, me or just incompatibility?

[8counts]

Been with DP for 9 years, we have been talking about marriage and moving in together.

For context, I come from a dysfunctional family background whereas his parents are still together and the whole family is very close. It was one of the things that attracted me to him.

Anyway, I feel as if I'm always his last priority. EG, family members need help with something and immediately he'll do it. If it's me then it'll get put off or just never done.

I understand it is not his fault I don't have family support and I need to make this clear, I am absolutely NOT suggesting I am put before anyone else, just that I have equal consideration. If ever he needs anything from me I automatically do it because I want to and he is part of my family, married or not.

How can I marry someone who is supposed to also be my family but I'm not afforded the same respect?

So at the beginning of the week I told him this. I'll be honest, looking back at my tone I was accusatory ( I wasn't swearing or anything, just more, you keep doing this) rather than 'hey, this is how I feel lets talk about it'.

So he told me he wouldn't be speaking to me until the end of week. I can understand him being annoyed at me if he doesn't think that's the case, but for a week? Surely a cooling off period of even a night then speak about it the next day. I feel as if I'm just being punished and once again, my feelings aren't valid.

There have been other occasions he's just not spoken to me for days if we've disagreed and it makes me feel really low and vulnerable. It solidifies how I already felt.

I feel like I'm just crazy and I'm expecting too much. I don't know what to. Is this something that is reasonable but I'm looking too much into it because I haven't had healthy family relationships?

What will he do if we disagree once we're married, just leave and stay with his parents for the week and not speak to me?

He sounded so calm and reasonable when he said it I feel like I've completely got this all wrong, but that's genuinely how I feel. I text him about something necessary a couple of days ago, tbh it didn't need a reply it was for information, but he just left it on read. Not even an 'ok'.

We're both late 30's if that matters. And I'm on the waiting list for therapy.

Why are you giving him control over the narrative? You can text him and say 'of course, that's fine. Totally understand. But this is the end for me now.' Or block him.

You say you have to keep things civil for the sake of your kids who do lots of weekend activities together. That means you have to do is say hello and goodbye when you see him. You don't have to continue this half relationship or wait for him to deign to text.

His treatment of you is very, very poor. All this because you told him how you felt. Is this the reaction you want from someone you're planning on spending your life with? Life really is too short.

I'm sorry you're feeling awful.
Surely the best thing would be to text him that it's over?
And then just block him.
He does not deserve to have any power over you at all.
He's been horrible for so long that I think you've forgotten you have agency.
And you have choices, which do not concern him.

I mean, what a bastard, telling you he's still angry, so not coming over.
Who gives a shit?

You don't want him over.
So be glad, and block him everywhere.

You get to choose this time.

Thanks everyone. I know I should and I know I will when I stop making excuses.

It's this horrible sick feeling. I just want him to be nice again. Other times it's obviously upsetting but I would also be annoyed how he was acting so could think 'stuff him, he'll be back'.

Now I know there is definitely no future I feel awful. Almost like I'm already grieving it even though I haven't told him yet.

I had all this big talk about going to make plans with friends when what has actually happened over the weekend is I've not even spoken to anyone because I can't face it.

I think I should call my GP.

Ah mate I’m so sorry.

try and imagine that he really wants you, and is super positive and can’t identify any flaws to your relationship….. it might help you to then start seeing the flaws….. because you won’t be focused on wanting him to want you. You might then be in an emotional position to the challenge what the relationship was and the flaws it had. Heartbreak makes you see it all as perfect

x

Think of it like this. If you do give in and take him back his overall treatment of you will be significantly worse. You will have given him permission to treat you as non human. Whats next? A physical punishment? This is the start of a very slippery slope. Please don't go down it!

Contacting your GP is a very good idea. They can send you a self referral link for 6 weeks therapy, and I think you need that.

Stay strong, keep posting

Thank you for this, it's a really good idea because on other occasions I haven't felt this weak because I've believed he's loved me deep down and is just being an arse, as hurtful as it's been.

Now I know he doesn't because I can see his behaviour for what it is, I need to end it and that is also a lonely place to be because I don't really have any social life anymore, I was quite content with him (I know in hindsight it was a bad idea to get so reliant) Think the length of time he hasn't wanted to talk and because I was feeling secure and talking about the future only very recently it's hit harder.

Now I know there is definitely no future I feel awful. Almost like I'm already grieving it even though I haven't told him yet

I think you might be grieving for what you wanted it to be, not for what it was.

And that's okay. It's been a long time, many years. It won't be easy to change the habits of nine years.

But you'll come out of this stronger if you stop letting him walk all over you.
He hasn't been kind to you at all.
I think he'll be really shocked when you tell him - well, maybe he'll be dismissive at first because he won't believe you'll see it through. But he'll gradually see that you mean it.
He won't like it. He'll be expecting you to change your mind and ask him for another chance - but don't give him the satisfaction.

There is nothing to fear here, really. He won't come round and beat you up. If he does what he usually does, he'll ignore you.

Let him. It's his loss.

Thank you @Pixiedust1234

Everyone is so nice when I'm being so weak and stupid, it must be so frustrating to read. DC has been sent home from school unwell so I will be preoccupied today x

Havent read all of the replies but I would run like F. Someone who has taken 9 years to move in and get married...as much as people say oh people take their time, its a serious committment etc - nah 9 years just no, along with you being bottom of the list of priorities, as gently as possible, you will never be the priority and you will continue to people please and make nice just for the sake of keeping him and the relatioship. No, seriously, you deserve better, you deserve to be a priority and wanted and loved in the way you want. are you happy? Truly?

Please stop describing yourself in terms which have been dictated by your ex.

You are not weak and stupid, but he has persuaded you that you are.

Ok just caught up with the posts and you're doig the right thing. Life can be so wonderful without feeling like you are someones bottom of the list priority and you can built life for yourself. Takes time and work but it will be worth it.

Everyone is so nice when I'm being so weak and stupid.

You are not. You've just been brainwashed to think you are. Its how men like him operate.

I know you keep saying both your dcs do weekend things together so you are finding it hard to disentangle but I'm sure your dc would prefer you not to be treated so badly. You can still be civil and say hello but don't engage in conversation.

Oh...and get your dc phones and block him on them. He shouldn't be speaking to them directly ever. All communication should come through you. Block his children on them too as he will use their numbers. Same on Instagram or whatever sm the children use.

You will also not have such a lonely experience moving forward because you will start to build up your life again, develop a network again and invest in friends and yourself . It will never feel this bad and also it isn’t just about your heartbreak for him… it’s a response to you not having this network currrbtly.

it will take time but you can build that up. Pick dates into the future and book trips and visits in. Start to have s fuller calendar.
x

You are neither weak nor stupid. It's normal to feel rubbish and not feel like seeing anyone or socialising when you've had the realisation that it's over.

It takes a little time.

Just let the feelings happen and resolve with yourself that he will never be able to make you feel like this again.

You will absolutely feel better with a little time. Trust me - it actually doesn't take as long as you think. After a week or two you'll be noticing how your emotions are your own (even if they are low at the moment) and not being pulled all over the place by an insensitive, selfish prick.

You're right that it's part of grieving - so go with it and don't beat yourself up that you haven't been out partying - it's healthy to have time alone to process things. Think of it as a healing process - each day you will be a tiny bit better.

Hold in there. You're doing great

. . . and lets put this back into the stark reality: he is still annoyed with you for saying that sometimes you need help and feel like he doesn't help you?

He's angry because you spotted his toxic little manipulative ways.

I presume your kids missed out on the weekend activities you thought you were doing together?

Dump him* *immediately and unceremoniously please. For your kids and, of course, yourself. He will never help you and he messed up your kids weekend.

I hate him so much and I don't even know him!

Try to find your anger OP.

It is outrageous the way he is behaving.

OP I’m so sorry you’re still feeling like this.
His behaviour is truly awful. He is punishing you and trying to make you believe that you’re the one in the wrong. It was one bad enough to tell you he wouldn’t speak to you for a few days, but to now carry it on is just pure abuse.
Please do tell him you are not happy with his behaviour and that if he thinks he needs longer then it’s best to call it a day as you aren’t willing to play these games. He needs a wake up call. If that doesn’t give him the wake up it should, walk away with your head held high.

Your friends will reach out to you, they will understand why you’ve been distant and will want to be there for you. You will not be alone 💐

Thank you. Sorry only have time for a quick reply. I omitted something because I didn't really think it relevant after Saturday but now I think it might have affected replies and I don;t want to come across as if I'm making him out to be worse.

He text that on Sat, but on Fri he text and told me to leave some stuff outside for him to take away, that was all he said. After an initial panic on what to say I just said I had it sorted, and I then felt much more in control and thought, I can do this. I'll just get the weekend by with.

Then I got that on Sat and that was me. It was just so unexpected but maybe that's why he was still annoyed, because he'd told me he was taking stuff I'd asked him to for months and then when he finally did, I said I had it sorted so maybe it looked like I was playing games.

Sorry, OP, I can't understand any of that!

But one thing I CAN figure out is that you're still taking the blame for his bad behaviour.

No that new info wouldn't have changed anyone's replies, it doesn't change anything. He's still a dick, not your fault.

Dear @8counts , I have been following your thread and really feel for you. You are making progress at becoming aware and I congratulate you for that! It is so hard to realize and clearly comprehend that someone who should love us treats us like the shit on your shoe- as you said yourself. But you are beginning to see the light!

You are being taken advantage of and manipulated by a horrible person. This man doesn't love you at all! And he is even enjoying making fun of you, humiliating you even ( with that smirky look) because no matter how poorly he treats you you still have feelings for him. How can this be?

Do you not see ? You are so kind and gentle and want so badly for this relationship to work that you are blinded by the occasional nice things he has done for you. Whereas in reality he has lost all respect for you. And you continue to apologize for your behavior and excuse his. No! This is not right! Stop apologizing and tell him how things are going to be going forward, instead of him dictating and controlling you. You decide for yourself now.

The way he treats you is straight out of the manipulator's & coercive controller's handbook 101! Check it out on YouTube- narcissistic behavior. You have alot to learn about these types. So many women get used every day by these losers.

To get away from him for good you need to get mad, angry, furious before you will be able to find your power and start fighting for yourself. Stop worrying about what he thinks or how he reacts. Think about you and your future! If it is over , think and plan for how you are going to get on with your life.

Talk to your DC and tell them that you need to distance yourself from him and probably his DC. They will understand. Stop having him take your DC to events together. Find another way even if it is inconvenient. Don't stay just for convenience! Do you work? If not you need to get a job. That will help your self esteem. No it won't be easy at first, but it will be worth it. Good luck OP .

Put yourself first now.
We are cheering for you OP.

OP don’t go blaming yourself. He asked you to leave stuff outside as part of his game-playing, he would have hoped you’d get upset and apologise, begging him to come back, etc, but as you didn’t he had nowhere to go with it. So that’s possibly why he said what he did on Saturday, because he didn’t get the reaction he hoped for on Friday. But don’t take that as it’s your fault, he didn’t want to resolve things, he wanted to make you beg and apologise. Stick to your guns and leave him to stew on his behaviour, this time you are approaching it differently and it will throw him off balance.

I know you feel rubbish (been there myself too many times) but this will get easier. Either he will have to stop this childish behaviour or lose you. Please don’t back down, he’s gone this far now if you just allow him to walk back in without a full apology and some serious work, then he will only behave worse next time and you’ll be in bits.
Honestly I know it’s hard but you’ve come this far and even though it doesn’t feel like it you do have the upper hand right now. Just be prepared that he may sink to other tactics to upset you because it’s not going his way

From what I understand the op means that this horrible man asked her to leave out the stuff that she'd asked him to take to the skip. She'd been asking for months and now that he's punishing her, he's volunteering to do this. He thought she would be teary with gratitude at this gesture and beg him back, but she responded she'd sorted it and didn't need his help. Hence the next day he's said he won't come to stay at hers.

Op, he's playing games. Not you. I really hope you find your strength and dump him today. Your children need you to leave this relationship. He is a abusing you and he's alienating you from them. He's forming a relationship and bond with them whilst excluding you. This is further abuse of you and is harmful to your children.

Please send him a quick message saying, this relationship isn't making me happy, you've stonewalled me for the last time. We're done. My decision is final. There's nothing further to discuss. Don't contact me except to arrange to collect your things.

I know exactly why he decided to extend your punishment. You had the damn cheek to be independent and not need him to collect the stuff on Friday. He's livid that you weren't sobbing on the doorstep begging him to come back.

These men want you to be upset and in the palm of their hand. the minute your not they up the anti in a ridiculous attempt to break you. Don't break. Stay strong. Tell him to back off if he contacts you again.