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Original poster

Found a pregnancy test....

259 replies

Dad2cats · 16/05/2023 09:19

OK, so not sure what to do here. My wife and I have been together for over 10 years, married for 5. Last week I opened her bedside drawer looking for some antihistamines and at the back found a 2 pack of pregnancy tests, with one missing, assume used. I should also mention that I had a vasectomy over 15 years ago and whilst our sex life may not be the whirlwind it was when we were younger, we still average 1-2 times a week.
We don't have kids, none of her girlfriends live close by and whilst I keep telling myself there must be an innocent explanation, I'm really struggling to find one.
It's eating me up inside and whilst I know I should simply ask her, I'm worried that whatever she says will either "make it true" or I won't believe her and then it's "out" and I don't know how we come back from that.
I'm also thinking of the wider implications, we're in (what I thought was) a trusting relationship and so haven't used protection since shortly after we got together. Now all I can think is was this a one off? Is it a regular thing? Is she having regular unprotected sex with someone else? Doesn't that also put me at risk from STIs?
Not sure where to turn, can't really speak to friends or family, what do I do?

OP posts:
sprungspringv · 16/05/2023 13:46

I am so glad to read other women take pregnancy test's despite it being near impossible to be pregnant, I do the same and thought I was mad. I don't tell DH I'm doing it because deep down I know I'm not pregnant I just like it to be confirmed!

TheFeistyFeminist · 16/05/2023 13:48

Depending on her age, she may have gone from regular to irregular periods and read that peri-menopause can give her a little boost of fertility. Coupled with the tiny but not zero risk of a vasectomy still letting a few swimmers through, and she might have thought it was worth testing just to be sure?

I'm with those who have said if I was having an affair, I would not not not bring a pregnancy test box home and put it in the bedside table - testing and disposal would be done miles away.

TiredOfCleaning · 16/05/2023 13:48

yes I echo it is terrifying to be ultimately at the mercy of contraception going wrong. I had a pg scare a few motnhs ago. I have a disabled teen a younger child and am 50 years old. DH is over 60. It would be a disaster for our circumstances.

Never told DH about it (or any of the other pg scares tbh) but it was a scary and anxious wait.

Outdamnspot23 · 16/05/2023 13:50

The other thing that’s clear in this thread is how much we protect our male partners from having to think about this stuff as often as we do.

ApplesandOrangesandPears · 16/05/2023 13:57

As a female the first thing any doctor asks us is: is there any possibility you can be pregnant, are you 100% certain, we are going to do a test just to be certain. I was 11 when I first got asked that question (and frankly looked more like 8!) I certainly wasnt having sex. It was for an x-ray on my hand. It gets a million times worse when its anything gynacology related.

Many of us are taught to be so petrified of pregnancy that even when it's virtually impossible we still feel compelled to test (I've done a ridiculous amount of tests despite being on a very reliable form of contraception). I don't tell my partner because he would think I was ridiculous. I could just wait it out but I have irregular cycles and the stress I put myself under often makes my period later.

TheSnowyOwl · 16/05/2023 14:02

Regardless of whether you have had a vasectomy or not there are a huge number of very innocent reasons why a woman would do a pregnancy test. My DH has had one yet I have been asked to take one from time to time when seeing a doctor because it is often on a par to a tick box that just needs to be ruled out.

Ever heard of women being categorically told that no matter what they will never be able to have a child? On a rare occasion, that advice is wrong and they go on to become pregnant. Just because medically a pregnancy shouldn’t be able to happen doesn’t mean that it doesn’t occasionally. Often doctors won’t prescribe certain medications without knowing the woman definitely isn’t pregnant and a test can clarify that, even if she is fairly certain she isn’t.

PumpkinSoup21 · 16/05/2023 14:03

Yes to all saying Drs ask you this all the time. Maybe she has an appointment about something else and didn’t want to have to wee in bottle at the surgery because they will make you do that if there’s any indication a medication or an examination could affect a pregnancy.

I would hazard a guess that many, if not, most women have kept a test on hand at times.

ApplesandOrangesandPears · 16/05/2023 14:10

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 12:09

@MySugarBabyLove pregnancy is a "go to" reason for every single thing that happens to woman's health. We have to take pregnancy tests for literally everything and are asked if we could be pregnant regardless of our age, condition or even possibility of being pregnant.

In this scenario, considering a vasectomy may have failed while having regular sex-life sounds absolutely likely. Just google any health symptoms and add "female" or "woman" - the result first will be either cancer or pregnancy

This. And to get a cervical screening exam at my GP surgery in order to look for signs of said cancer I have to provide a negative pregnancy test first!

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 16/05/2023 14:15

Loads of posters have said that they don't tell their DHs that they are even taking the test. My mum was horrified when I told her that I'd took a test (the dipping part, not the peeing into a cup part) in front of my then-bf. She was like "why are you even telling him that you are taking it?" and I was like "because it takes two to have sex and so a pregnancy scare should be his problem too". So we are conditioned to shield this key part of being female from men, by other women. And then surprise surprise, men don't understand that pregnancy scares are a big deal for us.

TiredOfCleaning · 16/05/2023 14:21

yeah I agree actually. I never tell DH when I have a scare. I always think I'll save him the stress- why should both of us be worried after all? But actually- perhaps i should tell him. I have to go through all the 'whatifs' and pp is right about how much we protect men from that. I'm annoyed at myself now.

ModestMoon · 16/05/2023 14:36

Just to add I'm another one who takes a pregnancy test whenever I have even very general symptoms like feeling lethargic or nauseous. I do this even when the chances are extremely low - and I mean even when I've not had sex for months. Because you never know! And having a baby is such a massive deal.

Sometimes I do it just to rule it out, because I know that if I contact a doctor they will ask me this question. Doctors often insist that you take a test even if you tell them that there is no chance of pregnancy.

tailinthejam · 16/05/2023 14:42

Haven't rtft so this could already have been mentioned, but women starting perimenopause often start to get irregular periods. If she hadn't had one for ages, she may have taken advice which said that it is probably peri, but she should take a pregnancy test anyway to rule that out completely. Mine were all over the place in my late 30's and I got through a stack of tests before they finally diagnosed what it really was.

Ombrémermaid · 16/05/2023 14:45

I keep pregnancy tests in a drawer in case I’m late on a given month, or need to see the doctor about something and they ask if I’ve done a pg test. Plenty of my friends keep a stash for those reasons too.

I have an IUD in situ so doubt I would get pregnant but I have them in case. I had a hospital appt for something last month and they told me to do one before coming in, and did one there.

It might be her period was late one month and she did a test to see if she was PG?

Just ask her outright and be honest.

Hope it all goes okay.

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 16/05/2023 14:49

I hope everything works out ok…

fwiw I don’t buy this “maybe she had a scare” if you had the snip that long ago.

I’ve been sterilised, I’m occasionally late… I’ve NEVER tested. It wouldn’t cross my mind

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 16/05/2023 14:52

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 16/05/2023 14:49

I hope everything works out ok…

fwiw I don’t buy this “maybe she had a scare” if you had the snip that long ago.

I’ve been sterilised, I’m occasionally late… I’ve NEVER tested. It wouldn’t cross my mind

There's a emotional difference between you being sterilised and him being sterilised. It's completely illogical, but somehow when it's your own body you feel you can trust it more even though you actually have no control over whether your sterilisation fails.

SheilaFentiman · 16/05/2023 14:56

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 16/05/2023 14:49

I hope everything works out ok…

fwiw I don’t buy this “maybe she had a scare” if you had the snip that long ago.

I’ve been sterilised, I’m occasionally late… I’ve NEVER tested. It wouldn’t cross my mind

You wouldn’t… but at least 20 posters on this thread would.

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 16/05/2023 15:05

SheilaFentiman · 16/05/2023 14:56

You wouldn’t… but at least 20 posters on this thread would.

Show quote history

Very true. We are all just giving our view though aren’t we?

I do think that as it’s a man posting about a woman @Dad2cats is probably getting a different response then a woman would have got about a man.

“my dh was sterilised 10 years ago but I just found some condoms” there would be unanimous cries of LTB…

CoconutQueen · 16/05/2023 15:06

Most people don't clear out their drawers that often 🙄and the test could have been lurking at the back of the drawer for donkeys years. I think I still have some somewhere most probably and I haven't been pregnant for 15 years. Don't jump to conclusions.

GoodChat · 16/05/2023 15:07

“my dh was sterilised 10 years ago but I just found some condoms” there would be unanimous cries of LTB…

Because that's a completely different scenario. A man with condoms who has had a vasectomy would generally be doing so to protect himself from STI's.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 16/05/2023 15:07

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 16/05/2023 15:05

Very true. We are all just giving our view though aren’t we?

I do think that as it’s a man posting about a woman @Dad2cats is probably getting a different response then a woman would have got about a man.

“my dh was sterilised 10 years ago but I just found some condoms” there would be unanimous cries of LTB…

Show quote history

Jesus H Christ, a condom is not comparable to a pregnancy test. The equivalent would be a home sperm count test, if such a thing existed.

TiredOfCleaning · 16/05/2023 15:08

GoodChat · 16/05/2023 15:07

“my dh was sterilised 10 years ago but I just found some condoms” there would be unanimous cries of LTB…

Because that's a completely different scenario. A man with condoms who has had a vasectomy would generally be doing so to protect himself from STI's.

Indeed. And certainly the wife would be aware if they were using condoms or not.

GoodChat · 16/05/2023 15:08

ApplesandOrangesandPears · 16/05/2023 13:57

As a female the first thing any doctor asks us is: is there any possibility you can be pregnant, are you 100% certain, we are going to do a test just to be certain. I was 11 when I first got asked that question (and frankly looked more like 8!) I certainly wasnt having sex. It was for an x-ray on my hand. It gets a million times worse when its anything gynacology related.

Many of us are taught to be so petrified of pregnancy that even when it's virtually impossible we still feel compelled to test (I've done a ridiculous amount of tests despite being on a very reliable form of contraception). I don't tell my partner because he would think I was ridiculous. I could just wait it out but I have irregular cycles and the stress I put myself under often makes my period later.

I remember having to do a pregnancy test before surgery when I was 14. I was mortified and panicking in case I was pregnant even though I was a virgin Grin

SheilaFentiman · 16/05/2023 15:18

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 16/05/2023 15:05

Very true. We are all just giving our view though aren’t we?

I do think that as it’s a man posting about a woman @Dad2cats is probably getting a different response then a woman would have got about a man.

“my dh was sterilised 10 years ago but I just found some condoms” there would be unanimous cries of LTB…

Show quote history

And if he had found condoms, birth control pills or a diaphragm, that would be a more comparable scenario.

monsteramunch · 16/05/2023 15:24

@Chocbuttonsandredwine

"my dh was sterilised 10 years ago but I just found some condoms” there would be unanimous cries of LTB…

Eh?! That isn't comparable at all to a male partner finding the pregnancy test of a female partner!

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 16/05/2023 15:26

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 16/05/2023 15:05

Very true. We are all just giving our view though aren’t we?

I do think that as it’s a man posting about a woman @Dad2cats is probably getting a different response then a woman would have got about a man.

“my dh was sterilised 10 years ago but I just found some condoms” there would be unanimous cries of LTB…

Show quote history

But if it had been condoms that OP had found rather than pregnancy tests then the responses on this thread would have been very different.