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Original poster

Found a pregnancy test....

259 replies

Dad2cats · 16/05/2023 09:19

OK, so not sure what to do here. My wife and I have been together for over 10 years, married for 5. Last week I opened her bedside drawer looking for some antihistamines and at the back found a 2 pack of pregnancy tests, with one missing, assume used. I should also mention that I had a vasectomy over 15 years ago and whilst our sex life may not be the whirlwind it was when we were younger, we still average 1-2 times a week.
We don't have kids, none of her girlfriends live close by and whilst I keep telling myself there must be an innocent explanation, I'm really struggling to find one.
It's eating me up inside and whilst I know I should simply ask her, I'm worried that whatever she says will either "make it true" or I won't believe her and then it's "out" and I don't know how we come back from that.
I'm also thinking of the wider implications, we're in (what I thought was) a trusting relationship and so haven't used protection since shortly after we got together. Now all I can think is was this a one off? Is it a regular thing? Is she having regular unprotected sex with someone else? Doesn't that also put me at risk from STIs?
Not sure where to turn, can't really speak to friends or family, what do I do?

OP posts:
Ruth98 · 16/05/2023 12:15

Dad2cats · 16/05/2023 10:10

Thanks for the replies so far.
Possibly more detail than most would want to know but in the interests of completeness, at the time of having it done, I was given 2 choices, simple snip (just cut the tube, cauterize and sew it closed), or snip & fold (as per previous but the the tubes are folded back on themselves and sewn in that position - a bit like folding over a flexi straw and stapling in place) - not official terminology, just how I remember it. I was told that the effectiveness of the "standard" option was extremely high but also left the possibility to have it surgically reversed at a later date if i changed my mind, the second option was not reversible surgically or otherwise as the tubes reversed on themselves would be shortened eventually fuse with the scarring facing back on itself.
Worth noting that my wife is fully aware of the above as we discussed at length some years ago.
So I'm still stuck with that one, if she genuinely thought that my vasectomy might have failed, why would she not say anything and why would she continue to have unprotected sex with me?
In terms of going through her phone however, I'm not that guy so no, I won't be doing that.
@AlanJohnsonsBeemer - thank you, this is the angle I hadn't been able to see, hopefully you're right :)
@mindutopia - you're probably also right and I'm jumping to conclusions (more a reflection of me than of her)
I guess the question now is, how on earth do I broach the subject? :|

Then my thoughts would be change in cycyle or missed period (due to being peri-menopausal/stress/illness/weight loss/weight gain etc) and the first thing any woman would do is a quick pregnancy test before approaching the GP for advice (as a pregnancy test is the first thing the GP would suggest). Regardless of vasectomy etc you would have to rule pregnancy out to seek help with changes in cycles or missed periods. This isn't something I would bother to tell my husband to be honest, unless it was positive.

justasking111 · 16/05/2023 12:16

blutterfly · 16/05/2023 12:15

How old is your wife? I’m late 30s and my cycles are getting longer and more sporadic. Sometimes I can go for 2 months without a period. I sometimes start to panic maybe I might be pg so test to be sure. Could that be it?

This and it's scary as hell

Ruth98 · 16/05/2023 12:18

Also worth noting that many different procedures, drugs prescribed by the GP will require you to confirm you aren't pregnant first. I've even been asked to do a pregnancy test before taking strong antibiotics and before a smear test as it was a slightly more invasive one.

sillyonehetpes · 16/05/2023 12:21

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 12:09

@MySugarBabyLove pregnancy is a "go to" reason for every single thing that happens to woman's health. We have to take pregnancy tests for literally everything and are asked if we could be pregnant regardless of our age, condition or even possibility of being pregnant.

In this scenario, considering a vasectomy may have failed while having regular sex-life sounds absolutely likely. Just google any health symptoms and add "female" or "woman" - the result first will be either cancer or pregnancy

Yep everything is "are you pregnant".

MandyMotherOfBrian · 16/05/2023 12:23

Jellifulfruit · 16/05/2023 11:36

ok I’m a bit confused. Together just over 10 years, vasectomy 15 years ago but both discussed this procedure…? Not slating, just trying to understand the timeline

Hmmm, tbf it says they spoke about it years ago but not necessarily prior to him having it done.
On the other hand, if I was being cynical, I'd say something along the lines of...
'Fuck me, three MRA Reddit fodder threads in trending at the same time...'
This one, my ex won't let me take my child abroad and 23 year old wants to be stay at home wife...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/05/2023 12:23

This forum probably isn’t the best place to ask a question like this for a guy

Ain't that the truth Sad

I think the best thing you can do is just tell your wife you were looking for something and found pregnancy tests in her drawer and just ask is everything ok?

Sensible advice; for anyone in this position I especially liked the "is everything okay?" rather than an accusatory "WTF is this?"

ThanksItHasPockets · 16/05/2023 12:25

MySugarBabyLove · 16/05/2023 11:41

It’s far more likely that she’s having an affair than the vasectomy has failed. Op absolutely is not wrong for considering this.

Show quote history

Equally it’s much more likely that she’s had a late period than that she is having an affair! Strange logic.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 16/05/2023 12:29

MySugarBabyLove · 16/05/2023 11:49

Why not? Aparrently all she has to do is say that she wanted to be sure and then he is the bastard for being suspicious.

Show quote history

I have never had an affair.

But I have taken quite a few pregnancy tests even though I knew that the likelihood of pregnancy was basically zilch. Based on my personal experiences:

Yes, a late period is much more likely than an affair. But an affair obviously isn't impossible.

I think OP should just calmly ask his wife whether everything is okay and that he saw the pregnancy tests.

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 12:31

Realistically, if she had a late period or some other health alignment, the first question at the GP would be "is there a possibility you may be pregnant" and this is how the conversation would go:

wife: no, my husband have has vasectomy
GP: have you done a test?
wife: no, my husband have had a vasectomy
GP: here, take this test and a cup and go to the loo at the end of the corridor, we'll just make sure it's not pregnancy
Narrator: wife went to pee in a cup and nothing else was discussed or tested as this pointless conversation and pee-test took well over half of the appointment time. She will need to come back in three weeks time to the next available appointment

Algor1thm · 16/05/2023 12:32

I know a couple who fell pregnant almost a decade after the husband had a vasectomy. They continued with the pregnancy and currently have a primary school aged child and 3 adult children! It happens. Your wife is either pregnant (most likely by you) or knew it's not 100% guaranteed and had symptoms of pregnancy so took a test just in case your vasectomy failed. Just ask her?

MyGrandmaLizzie · 16/05/2023 12:33

A friend of mine (early 30s) got pregnant by her DP who had a vasectomy several years prior. He got tested and it had failed. So it does happen.

philautia · 16/05/2023 12:33

Realistically, she's had symptoms of a pregnancy and was worried or hopeful.

I had a Mirena coil for 5 years and in that time, took at least one pregnancy test a year as I had symptoms of early pregnancy.

I highly doubt she is cheating on you. Condom packets with condoms missing, yes you'd have a reason to suspect something (but again, there could be an innocent explanation) but this is nothing, honestly.

Pinkbonbon · 16/05/2023 12:34

What's the expiry date on them? Maybe she had them fot years and took one just for funnies. Or wanted to know how they work so she could talk about it with a mate going through something.

More than likely it was a 'just incase' thing though. If I'm having sex I do a pregnancy test every so often just incase. I think every woman does if her period is late. The terrors of womanhood.

blackpearwhitelilies · 16/05/2023 12:35

My husband found my pregnancy tests in exactly the same scenario. I'd got pregnant on the Mirena coil which is when he had his vasectomy. My period, which had always been regular, was late and I panicked. As he has to put up with me being quite anxious and panicky generally, I didn't want to tell him that I was panicking about this. But as the odds of getting pregnant after vasectomy were comparable to those of getting pregnant on the Mirena, this seemed reasonable to me. It may be something like that.

lisamcgrane · 16/05/2023 12:36

I second just being honest with your wife and asking her op, I’ve also taken pregnancy tests when it’s unlikely to be the case and always have some in a drawer and husband knows about them. Although of course cheating is always a possibility I think your wife probably also just had a late period and wanted to check - good luck pal hopefully it’s just what most of us think 🙏

Unicorntastic · 16/05/2023 12:41

Sorry if it’s already been said and I’m repeating but how old is she? Peri menopause can feel like pregnancy symptoms sometimes.

misslooloo · 16/05/2023 12:41

I’ve previously had a medical procedure where I HAD to have a pregnancy test beforehand. The GP forgot to give it to me at the pre apt and drove them to my house and handed two over in person, despite me reassuring her I could not be pregnant. The unused one is still at the back of my bedside drawers which I guess my husband could find one day!

ChateauMargaux · 16/05/2023 12:45

I once convinced myself that despite using condoms, rarely having sex, having regular periods and two negative pregnancy tests, that I was one of tiny percentage of people for whom periods continued and that I was past the time in 'my pregnancy' where HCG was high (this is not a thing!) and begged the doctor to do a blood test... I was convinced I could feel the baby move and was therefore 5 months pregnant. I wasn't... but it didn't stop me buying the tests.

Nannyfannybanny · 16/05/2023 12:46

"People" cannot get pregnant after vasectomies, women can

Hankunamatata · 16/05/2023 12:47

If she is starting menopause her periods could have become irregular so she took a test. I never trusted dh vasectomy so still use contraception too

MsRosley · 16/05/2023 12:47

How on earth do you broach the subject? You take a deep breath and ask her outright. Tell her the truth, that you found the pregnancy test by accident and you'd appreciate an explanation.

InSpainTheRain · 16/05/2023 12:48

My advice would be don't jump to the conclusion that she has slept with someone else. I get absolutely paranoid about being pregnant. There is no way I can be - I'm 58 now - but I've always been this way. If my period was late, or I felt "wrong" I'd just take a test to stop the worry. I have never strayed from my husband, there is no way for me to be like this, but pregnancy is a big worry so I just take a test. She may be the same.

ActDottie · 16/05/2023 12:48

Her period was probably late and she panicked. I think 99% of sexually active women have probably taken a pregnancy test at some point in their lives to reassure themselves they aren’t pregnant.

blahblahblah1654 · 16/05/2023 12:50

Why is the first conclusion you jump to that she's up to no good?

BrokenBonesStixStones · 16/05/2023 12:53

allthewoes · 16/05/2023 09:28

I would assume her period was just late and she thought she should check just in case (people have got pregnant after vasectomies!)

💯 this